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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to force a haircut on my daughter?

302 replies

pictish · 12/03/2021 15:36

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

OP posts:
crayolacom · 12/03/2021 15:51

@bridgetreilly

Appearance very much does matter! I wouldn't want people thinking my child is neglected because they have rank hair.

She's 12, not 3. No one will think she is neglected. They will think that she doesn't bother to do her own hair.

That maybe true within your narrow life view. Not everyone's
helpfulperson · 12/03/2021 15:51

I have hair that length and wash it once a week. It gets brushed and pulled into a ponytail each morning. That's it, no styling needed. Or as mentioned french braids done once a week

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 15:52

There is a compromise here, yes get it cut shorter like 4-6 inches shorter so it is still long by everyone's definition but easier to manage.

sunset900 · 12/03/2021 15:52

I found with my DD that greasy hair is inevitable (puberty? Not sure) and she came out of the phase of not being too worried about it in her own time. They quickly seem to move from not caring at all to wanting hairdryers, straighteners and make up and taking hours to get ready so you really just move from one pita to another.

Hagqueen · 12/03/2021 15:53

Former hairdresser here, so have seen a lot parents trying to force haircuts on children - don’t do it.

It will do more damage than good and (I know this will be contested by some!) its her body and her choice. Don’t be the person that violates that.

Keep encouraging, keep on top of your partner to do that same. Offer haircuts and talk about the benefits of shorter hair but don’t force.

crayolacom · 12/03/2021 15:53

I wouldn't insist on a cut, but I would insist on washing twice a week otherwise removal of phone etc

Original poster
pictish · 12/03/2021 15:54

@helpfulperson

I have hair that length and wash it once a week. It gets brushed and pulled into a ponytail each morning. That's it, no styling needed. Or as mentioned french braids done once a week
Do you? Is your hair incredibly greasy like a teenager’s? DD’s is and I don’t think she’d get away with that. It would smell revolting for a start.
OP posts:
Stellaris22 · 12/03/2021 15:54

YABU. I say this as someone who grew up with a parent just like this. The issue here is your attitude to insisting your daughter has an appearance to your liking, not hers.

And long hair doesn't need washing every day (no hair does), it'll just make it greasy.

activitythree · 12/03/2021 15:54

@pictish

Make a hairdressers appointment (as soon as an feasibly can) and take her to it? I wasn’t planning on holding her down, no.

Well if you can't get her to brush it how will you get her to sit for a haircut Confused

User17930472 · 12/03/2021 15:54

Why can’t you wash her hair in the evenings, let it dry and then plait it over night and in the morning all she needs to do is remove the plait or plaits? Repeat plaits in the evening as washing everyday will only strip the hair of oils it needs to remain healthy.

There is a way around this you just sound like you can’t be bothered to really help her and you want the long hair gone. I really don’t see how hair that long can get so greasy in a day...

Original poster
pictish · 12/03/2021 15:55

@Hagqueen

Former hairdresser here, so have seen a lot parents trying to force haircuts on children - don’t do it.

It will do more damage than good and (I know this will be contested by some!) its her body and her choice. Don’t be the person that violates that.

Keep encouraging, keep on top of your partner to do that same. Offer haircuts and talk about the benefits of shorter hair but don’t force.

Thank you...actually your hairdresser’s perspective is appreciated. I suppose this is something you have good personal experience of.
OP posts:
GladysTheGroovyMule · 12/03/2021 15:57

Is she showering and brushing her teeth or is is just her hair that’s neglected? Fwiw my daughter is a bit older than yours and used to fight against washing her hair or even brushing it at times. She’s changed off her own back and is much better now.

No way would I force her to have her hair cut but I would insist it is brushed every day and washed every day, 3rd day with a warning that if it gets very tangled she have to have knots cut out of it. I had to do that for my daughter before and she was very upset by it but neither of us could get a brush or comb through them so they had to go. She wasn’t left with bald spots and she’s got tonnes of hair but she’s lucky where it had been cut wasn’t more noticeable. In fact that’s probably when she changed and started taking care of her hair better.

GreenClock · 12/03/2021 15:57

Does she brush her teeth/wash her face etc or is it just the hair?

Timeforabiscuit · 12/03/2021 15:57

What worked for us was;

Changing up the plans for the evening so shower, hair wash and drying happened before any family TV in the evening (they hated washing in the morning).

Washing is an non- negotiable, same as toothbrushing - if they didn't actually wash there was a natural consequence type punishment.

Building their self esteem - mine hid behind their hair and clothes, so we paid attention to what they were wearing, offered compliments when they looked nice or tried something new. Being able to see their face was a big thing for communication, so we encouraged posture and how to talk to people.

Let them choose smelly toiletries, strawberry scented etc choose their own clothes, hairstyle.

If your daughter wants to keep her hair long, she'll need to maintain it or have a more manageable style - which would she like to do? Part of maintaining would be to have any split ends taken off at the hairdressers - so if she gets used to going for that, that can pave the way for a shorter style if she wants.

Hastybird · 12/03/2021 15:58

Have a conversation with her to outline your concerns that her hair appears dirty and crucially listen to hers? You may actually find that she doesn't like the shampoo, it takes too long to dry, basically a myriad of reasons that will be solveable. Until you understand that you won't see a change in behaviour. And yes if you cut her hair off without her agreement you're massively overstepping. It may be she has no concerns and just CBA, but still in which case you revert to what solutions work for solving your issue of looking dirty (french braids, dry shampoo, etc etc). On the other hand, you could just let it go, as others have said, this is unlikely to be an issue that lasts long into her teens.

activitythree · 12/03/2021 15:58

Please don't do this, you will not be supporting her right to bodily authority at a very precarious age.

This is a key point btw. What she will learn by not having a forced haircut vastly outweighs end benefit.

partyatthepalace · 12/03/2021 15:59

I would focus on getting her to wash it and tie it back reasonably tidily rather than cutting it, as cutting it won’t solve the problem, and will just end in bad feeling.

Puberty can cause very greasy hair - assume you’ve tried a dry shampoo to get to 2 days without washing?

12 is a hard age, she is still half a child - I think the only thing to do is have her wash it at night early evening, then you only have to supervise a brush and pony tail in the AM.

crayolacom · 12/03/2021 16:00

Yep, wash in evening sounds like it solves the problems

Lightout · 12/03/2021 16:00

If she has poor personal hygiene, being the length that it is, it will probably have excrement in the ends if it gets in the way when toileting

Hagqueen · 12/03/2021 16:01

@pictish Yes. In all honesty, I wouldn’t do it if your child vocalised that she wasn’t happy to do so and I would be happy to tell you that.

It might be nice, if you can get her there, to have a consultation and a blow dry or similar, figure out what she wants and how to make her life easier, without any cutting to start with. Someone whose not a parent might have more impact, because as we all know, parents aren’t cool haha.

Like everyone has said, it will pass. Even if she doesn’t get to the typical dress to impress teen stage, she will grasp that there are certain minimum standards to be held!

Original poster
pictish · 12/03/2021 16:01

@GreenClock

Does she brush her teeth/wash her face etc or is it just the hair?
Yes she washes face, brushes teeth etc daily (has to be reminded every time but does it) and showers every second night. It’s just the hair.
OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 12/03/2021 16:01

@pictish may I make the suggestion of using extraordinary clay shampoo and conditioner it's been very good for my teens greasy hair and then using dry shampoo in between if needed I found that washing and drying it twice a week was enough with that shampoo.

purplecorkheart · 12/03/2021 16:01

My mother did this to me. She did not like long hair and told the hairdresser to cut my hair into a bob. I have never forgotten or forgiven her totally for it. I did not speak to her for weeks. After that my Dad used to bring me to a shopping centre that had a number of salons. Neither of my parents knew which salon I went to.

Timeforabiscuit · 12/03/2021 16:01

Also is there a tactile reason your daughter doesn't want to wash? Ours was temperature (victorian draughty bathroom) so for a couple of weeks we made sure it was really warm, towels on the radiator, new pyjamas warmed up too (proper over the top!).

crayolacom · 12/03/2021 16:01

@Lightout

If she has poor personal hygiene, being the length that it is, it will probably have excrement in the ends if it gets in the way when toileting
What the fuck! Such a mumsnet response
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