to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

Just came across this thread. I hope you have sorted DDs hair problem out.

When I was about 13, I could almost sit on my hair and my step-mum (a hairdresser) said she was just giving me a trim, but she lobbed my hair off into a shoulder length bob without me realising (about 18 inches it was). I think it was a power thing with her, I hated her for it and I always thought what gives her the right? So having been there myself, I suggest you don’t do that to your DD because she will feel the same way I did.

Your DD sounds a lot like me at that age. My hair was greasy, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to wash it, it was because it always seemed greasy even after washing it. I obviously didn’t have the correct products for my hair, but one would have thought my hairdresser step-mum would have known that, but instead just chopped my hair off into a bob simply because she could. There wasn’t any real reason, just because she felt like it. Very cruel imo!

So, in my experience having been there myself and now as a reasonable adult, I would firstly sit your daughter down and have a friendly chat to get to the bottom of the issue, because there may be a simple solution that you could both work on together, e.g. a new hair care routine, different products, french plaits, etc., but if it turns out that she is just being lazy then my advice would be to book an appointment at the hairdressers for 2-3 weeks time. Tell her when it is and make it VERY clear that you will be taking her for a haircut either way, but how much is chopped off will be decided by whether she maintains good personal hygiene or not. If she does, great, then she will walk out of the hairdressers having had a reasonable trim to tidy up the split ends, but if the greasy hair persists, then get the hairdresser to cut her hair to mid-waist length (so a good 8-10 inches off if her hair is bum length and be sure to donate the hair). Strict, I know, but doing so and sticking to your word will set the record straight, loud and clear, that you are serious and her hair will still be long but easier to manage. She will be upset at first, but I suggest not budging. She would have had her chance to walk out with a trim and not following through with your word won’t sort the problem out.

Once cut, I would then immediately book a follow-up appointment at the hairdressers for another 6-8 weeks time. Sit down and have another chat with DD and explain again why it was necessary for her hair to be cut shorter. Make it clear that if she doesn’t pull her act together, then the next haircut will be just below her shoulder blades. Again, stick to your word. I would imagine she would definitely listen this time, but if not, she will definitely have learnt her lesson after the second haircut if you stick to your word. If not, another haircut for 6-8 weeks to her shoulders, then bob, with the same conditions each time.

After she starts caring for her hair, I think it would be reasonable to let her grow her hair, but still make regular trips to the hairdressers for trims to tidy up the split ends. I would take her after every half term at school.

It really should not need washing on a daily basis., even if she is into puberty.

Make sure she is using sulphate free shampoo and silicon free conditioner (kind natured is inexpensive and good and sold on boots.com and the like) and it should only need washing a couple of times a week.

Set your expectations to a reasonable level. She doesnt have to be appearance focussed - clean & relatively tidy is ok. Tell her it must be either brushed or tied back each morning.

Encourage her to plait it/have you plait it when wet after washing in the evening. this will stay in a while and keep it neater.

My dd is 11 nearly 12. She washes is x2 weekly buy tresaeme shampoo and conditioner it's really good. Aside from that give her the brush and get her a headband bandana jobs a good un

kids at school will definitely make comments. I left high school 2 years ago and trust me, I’d rather be shot than go into school with long greasy hair

Cutting it won’t make it any cleaner though, will it?

Could she wash it the night before and then braid it with supervision? I know you say she should be doing it herself at her age, but kids do things in their own time and she’s clearly not there yet.

Please don't make her, against her will. She will hate you, and the fact that you have control over her. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Find a way of bribing her, or get someone else - auntie, friend's mum - to see if they can persuade her.

Or isit just getting like a darker blonde and making it look greasy. My dd had highlights and looks so much better. If she is blonde get her osmo super silver shampoo. When she washes her hair don't 4get it need washing x2 with shampoo before conditioner.

Oh great. Another zombie thread.

Hi @pictish

A little off topic here, but just thought I'd mention it. I used to have very greasy skin/hair, but it reduced after I started taking Vit B, 6 and 12 I believe are the ones needed. I just take a super B and it worked very well for me.

Oops sorry just saw it was a zombie.

@CherryTwin

Never heard of plaits being known as pleats before. Why not use the name that they're most commonly known as?

West of Scotland- pleats or pigtails

@CherryTwin Apologies, I hadn't noticed how old this thread was

My daughter has very long hair that she is too lazy to brush properly because her hair gets very tangled and it takes ages to brush it properly. If she doesn't brush and plait it at night every(!) night it's a nightmare in the morning. I make sure I brush her hair properly every night myself and make a plait. I think you have to with hair that long.

It looks beautiful when it's properly brushed though. I don't want to force her to cut it (even though I also threaten to do so!)

Zombie thread.

I have bum length hair, and for years I hates brushing it, it gets so full of knotts.
Now I swear I never knew this till last year, brush the bottom few inches, then move up a few inches and brush down, keep doing this till the whole length is straight, also use conditioner, putting it up means less washing and also get some dry shampoo...

God you lot are soft. Lifelong trauma over making your child be hygienic? Cut her hair when she is sleeping.
That is abuse.

I was rank at that age. My mum tried to encourage me to take some pride in my appearance to no avail. I just wasn’t interested. She’d send me shopping with her credit card and say I could get whatever I wanted (within reason) and I’d come home after half an hour because I hated shopping.

Going shopping with friends didn’t help. I just felt uncool and immature in comparison because they knew what they wanted and I didn’t. Perhaps if a cool, kind young woman or older teenager had taken me under her wing I’d have learned to take some interest but tbh it seems a stretch of the imagination for me to have ever given a damn!

I don’t know why I was like this. I was being perved on by a neighbour which made me uncomfortable but I don’t think my lack of interest was because of him. I’m 33 and still not that bothered though I do have some basic standards of hygiene and self respect because I don’t want people to pity me. I think I’m just not that interested in aesthetic things. I believe it’s what’s inside that counts. A good friend says it’s like a test: if you can get past the scruffy exterior you get to the true prize of the magic within.

Sounds like you have a good compromise. Hope she likes the layers and it becomes more manageable. I feel your pain but I think what you are doing is absolutely the right thing. Hopefully once the hormones settle it will become less oily.

Oops old thread!

Well done braids stay in for longer than a day. Can you braid it for her every few evenings? There are YouTube videos showing how.

Oh sorry so it is an old thread, I didn't realise because it came up in 'trending now'. The dates are tiny when you don't have your lenses in!

Do zombies have long greasy hair?

It won’t make it ‘cleaner’, no, but it will be easier to manage and teach her that if she wants long hair, then she must maintain good personal hygiene. If she doesn’t, then I a haircut is a reasonable step IMO.

You need to look after your child in the morning.
My son would go to school with a campsite style just out of bed look if I let him. (Some kids do). I dont let him as Im a parent.

Also everyone slacked off in appearance in lockdown

Thirdly your misremembering your independence as a youth. I bet your mum did more than you remember.

Finally, the polished teen look is very parentally supported, and expensive, and doesnt naturally occur. eg have you had her eyebrows microbladed at £250? This doesnt happen to be what I do as a parent, but I see a lot of it and they do pressure (encourage) their girls to believe in it from an early age, but perhaps no more than I press mine to do after school sports.

You need to let it go. Yes remind her each day to brush and to regularly bathe but don’t push it. I was your DD, very long greasy hair, I was a nightmare brushing it, my mother cared more about my image than I did, I fully blame all my body image issues on her. Don’t do that to your dd.

If it bothers you that much turn one night a week into a nice bath pamper night with the 2 of you doing face packs and you can brush and treat her hair without making a big deal out of it. My 9yo absolutely hates brushing her hair but will happily sit down and let me brush it while we are watching a movie or chatting.