to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

Right so...a few people have raised sensory issues and ASD now.
I do suspect Dd as possibly being somewhere on the autism spectrum. Her older brother (ds2) is diagnosed (he is 13) and has HF autism. My dh won’t seek a diagnosis for himself but I’d bet my last tenner on him meeting the criteria for one.
Dd does indeed wear soft, baggy clothes and loves heavy blankets, soft toys, lying down...and drawing, painting, drawing, painting. As I said in the OP, her artistic skills are notable, she has talent. She’s a very quiet girl but maintains friendships well etc.
I do wonder if the reluctance with the hair is a sensory thing. I’m glad I posted here. I was becoming anxious that someone might flag her up as being uncared for, ie, neglect. I also worry that other children will spurn her because she looks so dishevelled much of the time. I think good basic hygiene is important.
I won’t cut her hair. Thanks to those who were able to help. I’m not arsed about the salty posters...I’ve been here years, skim reading that stuff is fine.

@Crazycakelady17 @crayolacom you made me tear up! Thank you 🥺 I was 14 when she was born and I just remember being so in love with her instantly. We have always been close. At 5ft 2 she is now as tall if not taller than me and my DH always laughs when I see her and she clambers on my lap for a "sister cuddle" 😂

I'd concentrate on the washing.

If she cuts it but doesn't wash it, it's still an issue.

Surely if it smells, people would start to avoid her? Sorry but I still remember a girl in school who smelt bad and we were sure it was her greasy hair. Her brother was embarrassed. My parents knew her parents - they said they couldn't get her to cut it or wash it.

She obviously did wash it sometimes and then seemed really pleased that people were happy to talk to her, but not to understand why.

Anyway, what you need is a good conditioning. It’s hard to comb everyday when it is painful

If you washed her hair at night and braided it while wet, would it look nicer in the morning ?

Another one for braids! After she’s showered, towel dry her hair and put it in a tight french braid. It will be out of her face and she’ll touch it less = less grease! One or two days wear of the tight braid and then she can take it out, use some dry shampoo (batisse is the best one I’ve used) and have wavy hair for the second/third day.

@pictish

Right so...a few people have raised sensory issues and ASD now. I do suspect Dd as possibly being somewhere on the autism spectrum. Her older brother (ds2) is diagnosed (he is 13) and has HF autism. My dh won’t seek a diagnosis for himself but I’d bet my last tenner on him meeting the criteria for one. Dd does indeed wear soft, baggy clothes and loves heavy blankets, soft toys, lying down...and drawing, painting, drawing, painting. As I said in the OP, her artistic skills are notable, she has talent. She’s a very quiet girl but maintains friendships well etc. I do wonder if the reluctance with the hair is a sensory thing. I’m glad I posted here. I was becoming anxious that someone might flag her up as being uncared for, ie, neglect. I also worry that other children will spurn her because she looks so dishevelled much of the time. I think good basic hygiene is important. I won’t cut her hair. Thanks to those who were able to help. I’m not arsed about the salty posters...I’ve been here years, skim reading that stuff is fine.

Cross posted

Similar to me tbh

But I liked washing my hair in a nice hot shower. Is your home very cold by any chance? Trying to think what might be putting her off.

Is it worth stopping washing it all together? If left long enough hair can be self cleansing. Many many moons ago at school, a friend stopped washing hers.

It was disgusting for a good couple of months but I'd did end up incredibly glossy and looked clean.

She would have been about 13 at the time and her hair was long. It could possibly be the path of least resistance?

I also worry that other children will spurn her because she looks so dishevelled much of the time

I honestly don't think teens notice that kind of thing unless someone really stinks. I look back at my school years and in hindsight I can see some kids were totally neglected and a real mess, but it never occurred to me at the time.

And really, we all had greasy hair. Though you couldn't tell under the 2 inches of gel we all put on it for... reasons?

Could you bribe her?
Will she use dry shampoo?

Have you tried not making an issue out of it? Do her friends not say anything?

Does she have sensory issues? Autism?

I wouldn't do anything to cause her distress. Pretty soon some child in her peer group will say something and she will clean up overnight

You mentioning you've spent a lot of time and energy on it over the years suggests to me that her attachment to the hair comes from you. Now you want rid of it and she doesn't, so that has backfired.
I would continue to encourage her to wash it. Personal hygiene is important, appearances less so.

I can see that a really drastic haircut would upset the daughter but I haven’t seen anything to say that this is the OP’s plan. Even cutting it to waist length would make a difference to the condition and how easy it is to wash and brush.

It isn’t cruel to say that a child has to have manageable hair.

I'm so relieved you aren't going to force a haircut on her. I can relate to your DD's deep attachment to having long hair. I actually hated it when my mum washed and brushed mine so I was pretty keen to learn how to do it myself, I remember the relief of being able to deal with my own hair once I'd been shown. It did make my arms ache at first though! Maybe your DD has the same ache, you can explain to her that as her arms get used to handling her lovely long hair they will strengthen and no longer ache.

I had my hair cut very short once, when I was 5 or 6, not against my will, but the very next day after the haircut I got ill with a tummy bug, and I think my young mind certainly equated getting my hair cut short to becoming poorly. The mind can make associations that seem bizarre to anyone but the individual. It might be worth having a conversation with your DD about any bad experiences she's had following anything to do with a change to her hair.

Hair definitely doesn’t need washing every day, washing it everyday only makes it worse. I’d suggest putting it into tidy french or Dutch braids after washing it, those can stay in for a few days and tend to hide greasy hair well. It be be greasy at first but if she keeps the routine of maybe going two or three days between washes it will eventually become much less greasy. She could get a few inches off just to tidy it up if she wants to but she’s old enough to decide for herself. She’ll most likely grow out of this stage soon but for now if she’s fine with having messy hair then leave her be

I think I would leave well alone. My children have all gone through various stages of being untidy and unwashed to bring obsessive about how well turned out they are. Peer pressure always worked for me. I could say something until I was blue in the face. A comment from a friend or someone at school always carried far more weight. I was always very careful about which battles I picked with teenagers.

I could have written this post two years ago. DD’s hair wasn’t that long but thick and wavy. She was 11, puberty broke out and overnight she got really bad BO, spots and greasy hair.

She was ok with showering but the hair was a mess, she just wasn’t thoroughly enough and it took tons of tries to find the right shampoo/conditioner.

It got so bad, it was very smelly and we had more than one huge row.

I took over, we swapped to washing hair in the evening and every couple of days I washed it to ensure it was actual properly done. We then braided it overnight and it was ok in the morning to be put in a ponytail for school.

The biggest difference was a haircut, she got a proper cut with layers, not just shortening the length. It took out lots of weight and DD felt it was more manageable. I suggested it after talking to the hairdresser we both go to and pointed her to various hairstyle websites for her to get ideas. But it was on her timetable, I think it took 2-3 of her thinking about it but I want3d to make sure she wasn’t pressured.

Give her suggestions but no threats. Work with her to find a rhythm and let her browse hairstyles for inspiration if she wants to.

Honestly can't see what difference it wing shorter will make. It won't be brushed or any cleaner. I wouldn't make her cut it but I would insist she washes it. My ds can't seem to style his hair (also 12) and would just stick a hood up when going anywhere if I let him. I also have to insist that he washes it and he has short hair.

Maybe pitch it at what appeals to her. Would she consider donating it to something like the Princess Trust? I can't see any reason not to have at least a decent trim to get rid of the most tangly bits.
Otherwise the suggestions to plait it the night before and leave it that way seem sensible. Maybe get her a few nice clips for the stray hair.
I can see why you are concerned. She might not care but she is the age where other kids start to notice and sadly it's the kind of thing bullies pick up on

I can sympathise because my 11 year old DS can be absolutely rank. I’m looking forward to him discovering the opposite sex and actually caring about his looks. Right now he really isn’t bothered what he looks like so he’d gladly go a week or more between showers if I let him. His hair is getting very greasy now, it needs washing at least every other day not to look like a chip pan. He wouldn’t even brush his teeth unless I prompted him which annoys me to no end, it’s just so gross. I have to ask him whether he’s changed his underwear most days too after I caught him wearing the same pair for 3 days running once (he’d put the same pair on after a shower ffs).

@pictish
Is your daughter depressed?
Stepmum lopped my shoulder length hair off as I screeched when she unknotted it.. it was thick and fine and tangled a lot where it rubbed my collar at school.

It never got greasy though just knotted at the back.
As a rebellion at 15i grew it out and it was my pride and joy for many years but long hair needs a lot of care... conditioning and drying takes ages.
Give her an ultimatum..
She cares for it herself, of it gets lopped off until she can be faffed with the intense care long thick hair needs.
But glossy hair is beautiful 💕

It isn’t cruel to say that a child has to have manageable hair.

No, it would have been cruel had OP forced her to do it, at what other points would OP feel able to over rule her DD's autonomy and after that theres no fully gaining that trust back youll forever be 'watched'

God you lot are soft. Lifelong trauma over making your child be hygienic? Cut her hair when she is sleeping. Or wait till she hears rumours from her peers that she is a.stink ball. That'll get her moving into the shower

I think you need 5p make it inconvenient for her. So every night before dinner, she must wash it, condition, comb and leave to dry. If she dislikes this regime, then her other option is to have it shoulder length and she can then do it every two to three days. If she doesn't cooperate with the wash schedule and won't have it cut, there is a consequence. It is not about being fashionable. It is personal hygiene.

You have my sympathy OP, I have boys who had long hair until they were well into their teens, and DS1's looked like the end of a broomstick by the time it was eventually cut. He has HFA and suffered horribly with bullying at school, so it worried me even more.

I would never take the step of forcing a cut, it's a line I wouldn't feel right crossing in terms of bodily autonomy, but I understand why you want to. There were the same issues around refusing to wash or brush it and it drove me up the wall. I would say it was worth sticking it out in our case though - when he did eventually make his own decision to have it cut, he was so proud of his new style and has developed his own "look" with clothes etc. He's now happy in his own skin and I'm glad we held on and let him grow into himself in his own time.