to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

@Indecisivelurcher

I don't think you should make her get it cut. If you take her to the hairdressers she's either going to cry, which is going to break her trust and mess with the hairdressers head, or she's going to hate you. Can you wash it on a Sunday night and a Wednesday night and French plait or double Dutch braid it when it's wet, make them really tight and indestructible so she can leave in for 2 or 3 days. If it doesn't last that long then her hair will look wavy rather than messy. Give it a couple of years and I'm sure she'll care more about her appearance, probably too much.

I agree with this, I had bum length hair until I was about 10 and my mum would french or Dutch braid it after washing. It gets less tangly like that so if they start to get messy it can be brushed and re-plaited quite easily.

I think the suggestion up the thread that she washes it and then either you or she plaits it is a good one. And maybe on the second day some dry shampoo might work? Along the roots. It’s it’s in a plait that’s all it should need. That way she might get away with washing it every second day.

I wouldn’t force a drastic cut, I think it could cause a real rift between you.
A couple of a inches off would be a good compromise and might help.
I completely agree with the self care aspect of this though.
Looking clean and tidy IS important as is wearing deodorant and not smelling.
This isn’t about her appearance as such but about taking care of her body.
I have similar arguments with my 10 year old.
She just doesn’t see herself the way other do.
I think you’re just going have to keep on insisting on the washing and the brushing
I agree that an evening wash and then 2 tight french braids should hold and look good for the next day??
I have to say that a 12 year old with dirty unbrushed hair would look neglected to me.

If her hair is that greasy when it's long it'll be just as greasy when it is short (I have fine oily hair too that needs washed daily)

I wouldn't threaten to cut it at this stage but I would make her take a shower and wash it daily. Before bed every night if no time in the morning, then dry shampoo in the morning. It's just basic self care and you have to make her do it.

Have you tried dry shampoo ?

I used to wash t hair daily and it would get great really quickly. Over lockdown I stopped and started using dry shampoo.

Now I’m washing my hair 1 (sometimes 2) times a week. Using dry shampoo on other days and my hair is not at all greasy and is much less fly away and Lasts in styles longer.

I think that the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She obviously has not cut her DDs hair already, and has been stressed about it.

As PPs have said, you need to agree a plan with her in terms of agreeing to a program of washing and/or braiding, or she gets it cut to mid back length. Ask her what she thinks is reasonable, and go from there.

But I think you can be quite firm about telling her that her hair looks dirty, and that people will judge her. You would be doing her no favours by just ignoring it.

Good luck OP. I completely understand. I'm having similar discussions about by DC and showering...

Choose your battles OP. I am 40 and still recall all of the times my mum had a go at me about my hair. I still remember her and my granny complaining about the fact that I left the house with curly hair when I was 10 years old. I had not attempted to straighten it like they desired (this was pre GHDs as well! Bloody idiots!)

It will only end in tears and your DD will hate you for it in years to come. But if you want that, then crack on my all means.

@seadreams

I wouldn’t do it. She would never forget it and it could easily ruin your relationship. You should be teaching her that she has ownership of her own body and nobody (including you) has a right to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Talking about personal hygiene with her is a far better option.

Also washing your hair everyday is totally unnecessary and is basically training it to be greasy. Every other day is more than enough!

Sorry but no. That's a myth. Some hair does need washed every day, it doesn't make oily hair worse. It is what it is.

You haven't responded to the other hygiene questions - is she washing her body regularly, using deodorant if needed, cleaning her teeth twice a day?

She just might need more reminding about this while her mental view body care needs catch up to her body's maturity.

Care for her like the child she obviously still is rather than the teenager you are picturing.

Explain that now her body is changing she's going to need a new routine and then help her implement that. I would suggest you get her to shower and wash her hair every night before bed. Then you help her brush and comb it through and plait if for bed when it's still semi damp. It will still be neat and in it's plait most likely then when she gets up so will be neat for school.

After a week or so - get her to do her own brush through and plait. If she finds the routine too onerous then suggest things would be easier with a trim / shorter cut.

@crayolacom

Yep, wash in evening sounds like it solves the problems

She does. I spent years washing in the evening and pleating for her. She won’t let me do that now. She’s 12 and knows how to do it herself.

Maybe just wash after tea and once dried plait it at bedtime for her to sleep in?
It may last 24 hrs for school even.

If not dry shampoo and a brush in the morning.
She need to be up for DH to supervise the brushing if she can’t be relied on to do.

Here is my test: does she wash her teeth properly (floss, toothpaste etc) every day?

If so, then really should is her hair really hurting? If she is also neglecting her mouth hygiene, then there might really be an issue here to be concerned about. Teeth will rot and gums bleed if not cared for

Hair, not so much.

For the record, my mother used to worry about my hair and lack of concern for my outward appearance. In lock down, I have started using the 'curly girl' method. Don't really have very curly hair but it has always seemed stupid to me that we use shampoo / detergent on hair then condition it all in again.

Curly girl method (google it) is much gentler. My hair has got longer on lockdown but regularly lasts two weeks. Dry shampoo if you find it itchy between washes.

Meanwhile, chill out. It's all good.

You would be wrong to force her to cut it. But equally you are wrong to not provide that care because you and your husband feel she "should" do it.

She has things still to learn, she won't spontaneously decide to take full responsibility without guidance.

I have a 14 year old mildly autistic sister who didn't care about hair, showers, brushing teeth, wearing deodorant etc.

At her age I couldn't be more different, I loved everything "girlie".

Her mum (my dad's ex) literally pinned how down on the sofa when she was 12 whilst her hairdresser friend snipped my sisters hair to her shoulders and then a blunt fringe.

She was and still is distraught 2 years later and is terrified of hairdressers.

My Dad went mad (rightfully) and my stepmum then taught her how to wash her own hair, showed her pictures of rotting teeth and blatantly told her she smelt of BO in the kindest way possible and she needed to wash her underarms and bottom/front every day.

They bought he deodorant, no tears shampoo and conditioner (her mum used to Chuck anything on and it run in her eyes which made them sore), a pair of straighteners as her hair is very thick and body wash.

She came to sleep at my house a couple of years ago also and you couldn't help but notice she doesn't have a bra on, she was fully developed. She'd never had a bra fitting. I text her Mum to have permission to take her (why she didn't do all this is another sorry), took her to M&S where she had a lady measure her over her T-shirt and I bought her some comfy first bras.

She now always looks lovely and clean and smells nice, she washes her hair twice a week, she puts it into a ponytail if it's a little greasy in between washes and we always make a pint of saying "ah your hair looks lovely like that" or "what toothpaste are you using? Your teeth are so white" and she loves it.

I think a little consideration, teaching and reminding goes a long way.

Can you not braid her hair in the evenings and that way it either looks presentable the next day or is easier for her to undo and brush/restyle

Oh sorry I see you have tried that

Lightout
If she has poor personal hygiene, being the length that it is, it will probably have excrement in the ends if it gets in the way when toileting

What the fuck! Such a mumsnet response

The reason I suggested it, that as a hairdresser, it’s not pleasant for us cut grass hair that is so long that it does interfere with toileting.

No need for the WTF response. If anything this comment was a mumsnet response.

Grass???🤷‍♀️

My daughter had almost thigh length hair. Every single person commented on it. But my gosh was it a bloody nightmare to look after. It was long dark and very thick. It was absolutely stunning. But it took me a good hour to brush. She’s younger than your daughter.

She wouldn’t cut it. Any time it even got slightly wet. It knotted. And still everyone said. Wow. You hair!!!

Eventually she did cut it and she loves it. She went from thigh length to a Bob. The whole lot. Lopped off. It’s amazingly easy now to keep tidy

However I would never of forced her to do so. She will become an age soon where she will want to look after it. People will comment. They shouldn’t. But it’s how the world works sadly. I say stick it out. Let her decide. I imagine it’s similar. People go your hair!!! It was my daughters absolute wonder. Her crown as such.

Anyway. I’d never cut it. I think you should stick it out. She’ll either do three things. Leave it. Look after it. Cut it. I think it would be unbelievably cruel to cut it if she doesn’t want it and would cause some serious problems between you both. It’s only hair at the end of the day. I’m thinking of shaving my head. Ha. Just let her be. But beware of underlying causes as to why she does t look after it. Could just be lockdown.

I'd give her the choice: show me she can maintain her hair properly over the next 3 weeks/ a month ,or give up and get her hair cut.

Entirely her choice, but she is old enough to understand decisions have consequences. Either she can be trusted or she is too young and needs a cut.

It doesn't need to be anything else than a friendly discussion.

My mother did this to me. She did not like long hair and told the hairdresser to cut my hair into a bob. I have never forgotten or forgiven her totally for it.

Same.

Hair does not need washing every day. She showers and she has body confidence. Leave her alone.

No, you can 't force a haircut on a 12 year old.

What does she say when you suggest cutting her hair? What about when you remind her to wash it?

Can you spend some time with her chatting about hair, taking care of personal hygiene, hormones and appearance? Maybe look at some images of young women and see if any of the hairstyles appeal. Perhaps let her choose some new shampoo and conditioner to encourage her to take care of her hair.

@Lightout

You do know that even at a young age. When it started to become so long she could sit on it. We taught her to hold her hair up or bring it round the front. Not sure why you think a 12 yr old will have hair with excrement on it.

@wishes1111

I have a 14 year old mildly autistic sister who didn't care about hair, showers, brushing teeth, wearing deodorant etc.

At her age I couldn't be more different, I loved everything "girlie".

Her mum (my dad's ex) literally pinned how down on the sofa when she was 12 whilst her hairdresser friend snipped my sisters hair to her shoulders and then a blunt fringe.

She was and still is distraught 2 years later and is terrified of hairdressers.

My Dad went mad (rightfully) and my stepmum then taught her how to wash her own hair, showed her pictures of rotting teeth and blatantly told her she smelt of BO in the kindest way possible and she needed to wash her underarms and bottom/front every day.

They bought he deodorant, no tears shampoo and conditioner (her mum used to Chuck anything on and it run in her eyes which made them sore), a pair of straighteners as her hair is very thick and body wash.

She came to sleep at my house a couple of years ago also and you couldn't help but notice she doesn't have a bra on, she was fully developed. She'd never had a bra fitting. I text her Mum to have permission to take her (why she didn't do all this is another sorry), took her to M&S where she had a lady measure her over her T-shirt and I bought her some comfy first bras.

She now always looks lovely and clean and smells nice, she washes her hair twice a week, she puts it into a ponytail if it's a little greasy in between washes and we always make a pint of saying "ah your hair looks lovely like that" or "what toothpaste are you using? Your teeth are so white" and she loves it.

I think a little consideration, teaching and reminding goes a long way.

She's really lucky to have you caring for her!!

I would start with aiming for a compromise - washing twice a week and help with detangling. Maybe a slightly later bedtime with a specific programme you watch together on those nights.

I think at this age it can often come down to lack of self esteem and self confidence and so many things parents try to do to help can just make these worse.

Learning these skills is not necessarily linear. I help my 14 year old more with her hair now than when she was younger now that she does curly girl method. We both use Palmolive olive oil shampoo, it's the only thing that has felt good for my hair and let me extend from daily washing to once every few days. She won't need me to help forever, but when she first embraced the curls it took a lot of time for us both. It's worth it to get hair she finally loves and takes pride in, rather than scraping it back into a frizzy ponytail which was all she wanted to do when she was younger.