to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

Ask. We would wash it. Then plait it. Tight. Would last up to 3 days. Or bunches. Or french plait. If you do it when wet. It will stay good longer.

Can you talk about negotiables and non negotiable? She does have to have it washed and brushed daily but she can choose style (plaits, bunches, pony, leave it down). Could you look at different hair styles together to see if there is one she likes?

@wishes1111

I have a 14 year old mildly autistic sister who didn't care about hair, showers, brushing teeth, wearing deodorant etc.

At her age I couldn't be more different, I loved everything "girlie".

Her mum (my dad's ex) literally pinned how down on the sofa when she was 12 whilst her hairdresser friend snipped my sisters hair to her shoulders and then a blunt fringe.

She was and still is distraught 2 years later and is terrified of hairdressers.

My Dad went mad (rightfully) and my stepmum then taught her how to wash her own hair, showed her pictures of rotting teeth and blatantly told her she smelt of BO in the kindest way possible and she needed to wash her underarms and bottom/front every day.

They bought he deodorant, no tears shampoo and conditioner (her mum used to Chuck anything on and it run in her eyes which made them sore), a pair of straighteners as her hair is very thick and body wash.

She came to sleep at my house a couple of years ago also and you couldn't help but notice she doesn't have a bra on, she was fully developed. She'd never had a bra fitting. I text her Mum to have permission to take her (why she didn't do all this is another sorry), took her to M&S where she had a lady measure her over her T-shirt and I bought her some comfy first bras.

She now always looks lovely and clean and smells nice, she washes her hair twice a week, she puts it into a ponytail if it's a little greasy in between washes and we always make a pint of saying "ah your hair looks lovely like that" or "what toothpaste are you using? Your teeth are so white" and she loves it.

I think a little consideration, teaching and reminding goes a long way.

I know this isn’t your thread wishes but you sound like an amazing sister

So you want to forcefully do something to her /her body/her appearance because... what? People might think badly of you? You don't wanna be the mum of the messy hair kid?

Go ahead! She'll love you forever and be eternally grateful.

At about 10 I had bum-length hair. One day my mum took me for a haircut - I anticipated a cute shoulder length bob or something...I came out with basically a short back & sides and I looked like a boy. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to cover it.

@cabingirl

You haven't responded to the other hygiene questions - is she washing her body regularly, using deodorant if needed, cleaning her teeth twice a day?

She just might need more reminding about this while her mental view body care needs catch up to her body's maturity.

Care for her like the child she obviously still is rather than the teenager you are picturing.

Explain that now her body is changing she's going to need a new routine and then help her implement that. I would suggest you get her to shower and wash her hair every night before bed. Then you help her brush and comb it through and plait if for bed when it's still semi damp. It will still be neat and in it's plait most likely then when she gets up so will be neat for school.

After a week or so - get her to do her own brush through and plait. If she finds the routine too onerous then suggest things would be easier with a trim / shorter cut.

Yes she is meeting all other hygiene requirements because I still mum her into doing so.

I used to do her hair every morning until I started a new job last August that starts early, by which age she was old enough to brush and tie a ponytail by herself.
I didn’t think it was going to be an issue. It is.

@Lightout

If she has poor personal hygiene, being the length that it is, it will probably have excrement in the ends if it gets in the way when toileting

I think we have a peek response here 😂😂😂

Greasy hair and puberty go hand in hand. I wouldn't cut it if she likes it long. Do you think she actually understands the importance of personal hygiene and body changes she is going through? You don't want to make her self conscious but equally you want her to be able to look after herself and be presentable.

Maybe have a look at some styles together and see what she likes. Like others have said, hair doesn't need a wash daily. Is it her shampoo / conditioner? Are you conditioning to the root as I find it always leaves a greasy residue if I go to the root so only condition from the mid-point.

Remember she is still a kid, still learning so don't be too harsh

[quote Lorieandrews]@Lightout

You do know that even at a young age. When it started to become so long she could sit on it. We taught her to hold her hair up or bring it round the front. Not sure why you think a 12 yr old will have hair with excrement on it.[/quote]
That's exactly what I was thinking.

No 12 year old is going to shit on their own hair. They'll be used to moving it out of the way for many different reasons and the toilet is just one of them.

Would she be willing to get 7 inches cut off and donate it to the little princess trust to make into a wig, she might feel she is doing something rewarding and a child will benefit in return for her having her hair cut.

you can't force her to cut it no .But I think not terrible to offer some sort of incentive to get it trimmed at least .
If she wants to have it long it has to be maintained and looked after and that means
a. regular washing
b. regular brushing and/or put into a ponytail eg for school (is she not having to go in person now or soon?)
c. regular trimming. Even if she agreed to have the smallest of trims at the hairdressers (once open), she might in time be persuaded to have a bit more cut off.

No, you can't do this.

Compliment her when she looks good. Aged 12 / hitting puberty, she's probably just beginning to feel self conscious about how she looks, and it's a good time to be on her team

Please don't do this to your child, she will never get over it. I didn't.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

So you want to forcefully do something to her /her body/her appearance because... what? People might think badly of you? You don't wanna be the mum of the messy hair kid?

Go ahead! She'll love you forever and be eternally grateful.

Ha ha this, and in time she will be a poster on MN with 'my mum forced me to cut my hair so she didn't look bad'. Please spare both your dd and future posters .

Fwiw I've straight, fine hair if I wash it every day it gets greasy instantly. So wash twice a week and absolutely no hair products as they make it worse.

You seem determined, could you compromise and let her choose your haircut in return?

I’ve got a similar 12yo.

I require hair washing when necessary or before special events. Daily is not actually good for long hair.

I provide dry shampoo.

I require hair brushing once a day so long term knots or mats do not form.

She will not tie her hair back or use clips. This is a sensory issue (she does have a diagnosis)

Beyond that i stay out of it

Hatred of both hair cuts and hair brushing is a surprisingly common issue for girls with sensory issues. Does she also insist on super soft clothing, love heavy blankets, etc?

Can I just say, that as a hairdresser, I have cut hair that has had excrement stuck to the ends. It’s not pleasant for anyone.
It she has low self esteem, self worth, poor personal hygiene, then lifting her hair out of the way is not on your priority list.
The poster did comment that it smelt awful as well.

My daughter hair has some curls in the back of her hair so it gets tangled easily. I told her if she doesn’t comb it frequently, and keep pulling her hair out from tangles , she might develop some bald spots. She let me cut it short to cut off the damaged split ends

My 12 year old daughter is the same so I feel your frustration but forcing her to cut it is not the way to go. Decent french plaits will last for days. I always brush my daughters hair every evening and plait it up for bed. This tames it a little. Hair is washed every couple of days to manage the grease. I’m hoping there will come a point when she starts looking after her hair but we are not quiet there yet.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

So you want to forcefully do something to her /her body/her appearance because... what? People might think badly of you? You don't wanna be the mum of the messy hair kid?

Go ahead! She'll love you forever and be eternally grateful.

what a ridiculous and goady post.

Would you say the same of brushing teeth, or showering?

You would be a neglectful parent, borderline abusive, if you'd left your kid being unkept, and become the target of nasty comments (or bullying) for having bad breath or bad BO.

Sometimes some of us do things in the best interest of the child, not because of what the neighbours might say

Would she be willing to get 7 inches cut off and donate it to the little princess trust to make into a wig, she might feel she is doing something rewarding and a child will benefit in return for her having her hair cut.

I was going to suggest that. My DD had bum-length hair - none of the issues described by the OP, but when she was a few years older than OP's DD she started to feel that having it slightly shorter would make life easier (she was into gymnastics and it was getting far too bulky to put into a bun!). She heard about the Little Princess scheme so decided to donate her hair - ending up with about 10 inches trimmed off, and what was left was still below shoulder length! You don't need to cut it completely short in order to donate - it just needs to be a minimum of 7 inches (I think).

Wasnt there a father who cut all his dd hair off to a short back and sides cos she had highlights put in her hair. He destroyed her self confidence, and the internet turned on him. Her mother supported her daughter, and if I remember , she had hair extensions put in for her dd.

There is greasy hair shampoo, dry shampoo, hairdressers who will style it as the girl wants. Real friends love you just the way you are. Ie her school friends.
This is more about you wanting to be seen as a good caring mother, which you are already, and you dont need anyone approval of you.
I know this, because my mother hacked off my long hair, because she couldn't be arsed to spend time on me. She also cut up my teen clothes. Which I made myself, and they were long and in no way indecent. Just a fit of madness on my mums part.
Try to see things from your d perspective, not yours.

I voted yabu because most hairdressers will refuse an appointment if they think the child is being coerced, it comes with the training these days.

I do understand your concerns. Other than you doing her hair at night for the next day, so that it is at least clean, I don’t have any practical solutions.

As long as you don’t think there are other issues at play, from a psychological standpoint, then try adopt a wait and see approach.

Op what are you going to do when YOU force your daughter to have HER hair cut... she's heartbroken over her hair and still doesn't look after the hairstyle she then has??..
I don't think the reason she isn't looking after her hair is because its long... maybe talk about it with her calmly. Also the comment about it being greasy long hair... she's still a child and even if you were on the ball at that age, she might need an extra push to get in the bath/shower... I understand that you and your husband have work but she's still your child and is very much a child at 12, maybe get her into a routine that you can have a check list for. If the checklist is met every week, she can pick a treat for herself at weekend... then that way it meets both your needs. She won't lose her hair and you won't have to worry what she looks like

Surely she doesn't need to wash it every day? Especially if it's long. I agree though, basic grooming and neatness. Can you 'persuade' her with something else e.g. if she gets it cut to a more manageable length, washes an agreed amount and ties it back she gets some kind of reward? Can you bring in some kind of light punishment if she doesn't e.g. take her tablet/phone away for a while?

My twelve year old son also has an aversion to hygiene. We have agreed on acceptable measures (showers, haircuts, washing etc) and if not, certain privileges are removed. We find this works.