to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

@pictish
If it hurts when you or she de tangles it, conditioner and a tangle teaser brush is a game changer.

My DD11 sounds very similar. Few sensory issues and very long hair. We're not quite at puberty yet but not far off it. She keeps her hair clean and showers frequently however hates brushing her difficult, curly/straight combo hair so it can appear unkempt. I pick my moments and we seem to keep on top of it (just).

I'd love a good 8" cut off which she is very resistant to so I have gained her agreement that in return for a tidy up and trim of the split ends, I will treat her to a semi-permanent colour/hair chalks but done at the hairdressers (when they eventually open again). She's looking forward to the idea of it so I'm hoping she will agree a shorter length herself with the hairdresser who knows her well.

How often does she actually wash her hair?

Obviously not as often as you'd like (daily) , but does she actually wash it?

I agree that peer pressure will probably make her want to improve her hair hygiene.

I am glad you aren't forcing the cut, OP!

It sounds as though you have been caring for it until recently in Aug and you suddenly stopped, rather than gradually getting her to do it over the years? If so could you do a bit of coaching with her now, alongside her rather than nagging or instructing? That might be impossible. Also could you say to her that you love her hair and won't make her cut it short but suggest that she goes for a mid back length, maybe with layers, while she gets the hang of washing and say it is up to her whether she wants to grow it long again - it won't take long to grow. Or take her to a stylish salon such as Toni & Guy (when they open) and see if she will agree to them doing her an uber stylish mid back cut and give tips on care?

You're not forcing her to get a hair cut. You're forcing her to maintain her personal hygiene, which as her parent is your responsibility. She's old enough to be expected to do this, and if she doesn't then the consequence is the hair goes.

Mornings dont work so move hair washing to evening. 3 nights a week (hair really doesn't need washing more), good wash and condition, comb through, then into two plaits (damp) before bed.

In the morning she can take the plaits out (if she wants), add a hair band or bobble if she wants. Minimal effort.

I would be concerned that she does not want to take care of herself. Does she have low self-esteem? Or depression? If so, that is more important than her actual appearance. As her mother could you address how she feels about herself rather than emphasise how she should look, which is basically more for you and other people than for her, at the moment?

@cansu

I think you need 5p make it inconvenient for her. So every night before dinner, she must wash it, condition, comb and leave to dry. If she dislikes this regime, then her other option is to have it shoulder length and she can then do it every two to three days. If she doesn't cooperate with the wash schedule and won't have it cut, there is a consequence. It is not about being fashionable. It is personal hygiene.

If she washes it but doesn't style it/brushes it, that's not lack of personal hygiene.

When I was 4 my parents got my very long hair cut into a bob, I still remember it as quite traumatic tbh.

Pp suggesting “ not washing “ it..

Urgh nope.
Hair is still WASHED but not using soaps or shampoos
Fullers Earth is used I heard, but unwashed hair does smell of old sheep.(festivals in my youth smelling it on other people.
Indian hair care is amazing using various potions
Indian women have beautiful hair, often very long and mirror like gloss.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I also worry that other children will spurn her because she looks so dishevelled much of the time

I honestly don't think teens notice that kind of thing unless someone really stinks. I look back at my school years and in hindsight I can see some kids were totally neglected and a real mess, but it never occurred to me at the time.

And really, we all had greasy hair. Though you couldn't tell under the 2 inches of gel we all put on it for... reasons?

Teenagers most DEFINITELY notice that type of thing!!!!!

It could be the hormones. I had very long hair that my mother persuaded me to have cut into a bob when I was about your daughters age and I had a limp bob that looked greasy by morning if Id washed it the night before. it was dreadful, so dreadful that when I suggested cutting my hair after my first born she said no it'll look dreadful like it did when you were 12!
After my second DC my hair was managing to become greasy within 12 hours.
A tangle teaser brush, leave in conditioner. Shampoo for coloured hair I have found is better even though I don't colour my hair, dry shampoo the same colour as my hair and I plait mine when its wet.
I've an undercut at back and when I get fed up of it I cut 6 inches off!

1981 and I was seven or eight. My mother took me to a hairdresser who proceeded to cut my beautiful long blonde curly hair off because my mum could not be arsed to brush it any more and she was a fucking Lady Di sheep. I ended up with a mouse brown Lady Di cut. The Lady Di cut on a little fat kid, I looked a right twat.

I still resent her for it and she's been dead forty odd years.

I would try and compromise on just below shoulder length hair.She keeps the majority of the length but all the weight will have gone and it'll just need a quick brush.

From the perspective of someone who was a bit like this as a child myself, please don't force a haircut on your daughter.

"She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that." - this kind of attitude is the exact opposite of what your daughter needs and it completely invalidates her experience and feelings.

She is probably going through something. How close are you with her emotionally? Can you talk to her about why she doesn't want to look after her hair, and really listen to her, without it becoming an argument or a nag?

I used to feel very defensive of my mum when she would tell me to brush/ cut my hair. What was underneath it was I felt like she totally did not get my personality, and that I was going through a phase where I wanted to show everyone how superficial I thought the world was and how I didn't think appearance should matter. My mum was the opposite and always cared a lot about appearance, and it used to drive me mad that she cared so much, because I thought she wasn't seeing the real me.

I was basically rebelling, and if my mum had taken time to sit down and talk to me like an adult about my actual feelings, she might have got somewhere with me.

If she'd have forced a hair cut on me I would have completely resented her and I would amost certainly have found other ways to rebel.

So my advice is, talk to your daughter - don't nag her - treat her with respect. She's a human and at 12 she is actually old enough to make these decisions for herself, whatever you think about them.

@wizzywig

God you lot are soft. Lifelong trauma over making your child be hygienic? Cut her hair when she is sleeping. Or wait till she hears rumours from her peers that she is a.stink ball. That'll get her moving into the shower

Cut her hair while she’s sleeping?

Children aren’t here to project an image we want to the outside world. Get the fuck over yourself calling people soft because they understand and respect a 12-year-old knowing she doesn’t want a haircut.

Greasy, long hair has no impact on physical health. The daughter washes regularly and brushes teeth regularly. Her hygiene is fine.

Has anyone needed an operation for dirty hair? Has anyone does from greasy roots? Good grief.

Anyway, OP, dry shampoo, at the roots only. If she’s willing.

Is she maybe not rinsing the shampoo out thoroughly enough? DD has thick hair and she hasn't got the hang of how hard you need to rub and how long you have to rinse for.

@crayolacom

I wouldn't insist on a cut, but I would insist on washing twice a week otherwise removal of phone etc

Yes this .

Just read about potential ASD - absolutely don't force a haircut on a child with ASD.

If she has sensory issues then that needs to be dealt with sensitively and at her pace. And in the same way as my previous post, start with a heart to heart conversation as equals, acknowledging that it is her hair and it's her decision.

Would she let you cut a few inches off to tidy it up?
The main thing is to deal with is washing and hygiene. Kids WILL notice at school and take the piss. I can still remember to kids who smelled at school 39 years later ☹️. I couldn’t let my child end up being one of those kids.
Make it a non negotiable- hair washing has to happen twice a week end of story. Incentivise her with something she likes, online stuff if she’s not into clothes, make up etc.

How does she usually wash her hair? I hated washing my long hair in the shower as a child, and my mum was always nagging me to cut it. A total game changer was watching my older cousin wash her long hair in the bath - she scouted down and lay back and all her hair fanned out and washed really easily and then when she got out it wasn't tangled up. I've done that ever since and it's so much easier. I find when I wash my hair in the shower the weight hurts my head and it gets very tangled.

@TooYoungToNotice I stopped washing my hair with shampoo during the school holidays when I was in year 11 and the same thing happened - about a month of disgustingness but then it went so lovely that people kept asking me what hair products I used to make it so nice and shiny! I still brushed it regularly and wet it in the shower though. The only reason I broke the cycle was I got my hair styled for my prom and then had to use shampoo to wash all the hair spray and crap out the next day, but I'd love to get back into it one day...

To OP - Maybe it is just a case of waiting until she naturally starts noticing boys (or girls, whatevs) and naturally wants to look after her hair more... or, harsh as it may sound, maybe if any kids at school do comment on it then she'll start wanting to take more care of it. But I also think parents sometimes have to just accept we can't control everything our children do. You can make a rule that she has to wash her hair every however often because that's basic hygiene, but you can't force her to style it a certain way, even if that means other kids start to shun her - at her age I think that's her choice to make and her lesson to learn (and her choice to decide whether she cares or not...). All you can do is make suggestions about what is considered socially normal and let her know honestly what the consequences will be when she's older if she turned up for work looking like a scruff... but remember she's many years away from that yet so basically I'd say don't stress too much and let her find her own way...

I went with lots of different dry shampoo and nagging/reminding for once a week hairwash and hair tied back for school - mostly ponytail but then she started doing other things. She looks after it fine now though wants it cut short which will have to wait till end of school year.

DD1 also started plaiting hair for bed - which helped stop it tangling.

Youngest still at this phase though hair ins't as long just past shoulders by very thick and flyaway- every so often we have huge knots - so have loads of conditioners around - and detangle sprays - and I focus much more on the teeth cleaning which she remains difficult about. Again once a week wash is enough usually - it can get greasy to end of week but not so bad a ponytail isn't possible.

Can't say DS is easier with hair though as he has many scalp and skin issues and getting him to use the treatments or wash his hair can be just as bad and cutting it can be an discussion.

All three at times have looked really scruffy at secondary - no-one seems to have thought them neglected by us.

Invest in some dry shampoo and washing it no more than 3 x a week !
Don’t make her cut it off it’s like another poster said it’s her hair and it’s not harming anyone more of an embarrassment for u , I’m a hairstylist and I’ve heard many clients over the years telling me when their mothers made them cut their long hair it’s such a shame that these woman don’t forget the horror of it . Give her a year or so and you won’t get her to leave it alone she will soon be preening it x