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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The men I know feel like this too ...

999 replies

Givitarest · 12/03/2021 08:07

This "Every woman you know" meme is trending on social media. But men are in danger from violent men too and, in fact, are much more likely to be a target. With reference to Jess Phillips, if a politician were to read out the names of all the men who had died at the hands of other men, as well as the women, it would be a very long list indeed. If society has "just accepted" dead women then we have just accepted dead men too.
I fear for my sons' safety, and give them very similar safety advice as I would if they were daughters. My husband has always taken similar measures to the things on this list (whilst also avoiding walking behind lone women etc) and has had more negative personal experiences than I have. So can people please stop sharing memes that demonise men? It is 'misandry' ... the antonym to mysogyny ... and the movement against violence will not win widespread support unless it is more appropriately framed.

OP posts:

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LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 06:25

I agree that men are the perpetrators but you are basically saying my husband's life doesn't matter as much.

Nonody has said anything of the sort!!!

WizardOfAus · 15/03/2021 06:54

@mellongoose

I am sad that we are framing this as a woman only issue. I agree that men are the perpetrators but you are basically saying my husband's life doesn't matter as much.

Jesus Christ. No one has said that. What a ridiculous fucking statement. May I suggest you read the last 40 pages to understand what women are REALLY saying?

MessAllOver · 15/03/2021 06:55

I think the point people are making is not that men don't matter, but that violence against women (which is different in nature to man-on-man violence) is a men's issue. So it is men, not women, who have to sort it out. Every man who stands around and doesn't speak up while others make sexist and misogynistic comments about women is part of the problem. Because it begins there.

LakieLady · 15/03/2021 07:37

I just feel myself that you can get more out of someone If you are a bit kinder. It’s like automatic to feel a bit defensive.

I think it's been going on for too long for being "kind". Men need to understand that if they're not part of the solution, they're part of the problem.

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 07:38

Sorry, what sort of comments are you talking about? So because someone makes a joke or comment about a woman that is somehow linked to murders and rapists? Riiiiight.

I used an example the other day about Tom hardy on CBeebies. On twitter I read lots of comments from women. “I would” said one suggesting out loud she would like to have sex with him. “Boom I’m pregnant” said another. Should women stop talking like that too? Do they not influence their sons when they speak like that, objectifying a man based on his looks alone? Not many women were talking about Tom hardy and his acting ability. They were nearly all sexual related comments. We ALL have a responsibility to teach our kids respect. Not just men for gods sake.

LakieLady · 15/03/2021 07:40

Oops, posted too soon. How many decent men are prepared to challenge other, not-decent men about their attitudes, their "banter", their disdain and disrespect for women?

mellongoose · 15/03/2021 07:42

[quote WizardOfAus]@mellongoose

I am sad that we are framing this as a woman only issue. I agree that men are the perpetrators but you are basically saying my husband's life doesn't matter as much.

Jesus Christ. No one has said that. What a ridiculous fucking statement. May I suggest you read the last 40 pages to understand what women are REALLY saying?[/quote]
Not ridiculous in the slightest.

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 07:50

2021

This is not Tit for Tat.
Women talking about fancying Tom Hardy is not the same as a man stating that he wants Keira Knightly to choke on his dick.

You consistently fail to see the consequences of mens misogyny and objectification of women and girls. You for reasons I cannot understand insist on making men the victims of male violence against females.

I agree with you every parent has a responsibility to raise their children to be respectful.

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 07:50

What sort of comments are you on about?

Why is saying you find Tom hardy on a kids tv show “erotic” yup I found that gem of a comment on Twitter... why is that ok?

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 07:51

Of course its ridiculous mellon because not 1 poster over 40 pages has said anything even close to your statement.

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 07:54

Why is saying you find Tom hardy on a kids tv show “erotic” yup I found that gem of a comment on Twitter... why is that ok?

I didnt say it was ok. However will those comments lead to men being raped, murdered by women? Will that comment lead to men losing out on promotions? Will it lead to men being the majority victims of domestic violence, harassment and sexual assault by women?

WizardOfAus · 15/03/2021 07:56

@2021ismyyear

What sort of comments are you on about?

Why is saying you find Tom hardy on a kids tv show “erotic” yup I found that gem of a comment on Twitter... why is that ok?

Ahhh, so you’re back to Tom Hardy again @2021ismyyear.

I think you have a thing for him. Better not tell your husband! 😉

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/03/2021 07:57

@Chant353

I agree with OP. I fail to see anything useful from this. Will this piece make any of those planning on attacking women make them stop and question themselves? Yes their are bad men out there, and women (and men) should take precautions when walking alone. All I see in this piece is virtue signalling and promoting victimhood culture.

The problem is that posters began trying to make a single point clear.

A single poster kept coming back with the most trite of responses.

Posters engaged to try to explain.

Now this is a thread full of women appearing to sy that all men are bastards.

I suspect that was the point all along!

Occasionally it helps to remember what the orginal message was

Yes, some men see this. Some men do stand up to the bollocks. But it is lilely that most men do not.

As has been said THAT TOO is a result of toxic masculinity. Even the nicest of men can't stand up and tell his Billy Banter mates to shut up and be respectful because of the feared backlash.

We all benefit from being able to say quite clearly that men are the aggressors in our society.

Don't flinch from it. Don't make excuses for it. Don't seek to be seen as "the man who is different"

Acknowledge it as a truth and do all of the small things to counter it.

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 08:01

I can honestly say the men in my life do not talk like that about women! Choke on dick etc? I’m sorry, if you know men that speak like them YOU have a responsibility to call them out

The men in my life speak in a similar way to me about people they find attractive. I literally don’t know anyone that would talk like that about women. Maybe I’m a freak!

Who is my husband meant to call out? Down the pub he is more likely found talking about our kids and what reading group our child is in

There are some really decent men out there! My dh reminded me what his university dissertation 20 years ago was about... it’s quite outing so I won’t say the title but it was basically exploring powerful, lead women in tv and film. It’s a really interesting read and my dh, even back then before he had a wife and daughter thought that it was important women characters were powerful and didn’t just get “saved by a man”.

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 08:07

Choke on dick etc? I’m sorry, if you know men that speak like them YOU have a responsibility to call them out

It was a comment on twitter actually.

If your husband never ever comes across male friends or male family members that talk about women and girls in derogatory or abusive ways then great he has nothing he needs to do.
However we know there are men who do talk this way and they will have male friends and male family members so the request is that they call them out.

WizardOfAus · 15/03/2021 08:09

@2021ismyyear

I can honestly say the men in my life do not talk like that about women! Choke on dick etc? I’m sorry, if you know men that speak like them YOU have a responsibility to call them out

The men in my life speak in a similar way to me about people they find attractive. I literally don’t know anyone that would talk like that about women. Maybe I’m a freak!

Who is my husband meant to call out? Down the pub he is more likely found talking about our kids and what reading group our child is in

Oooh. Gold star to your hubby on his dissertation! ⭐️

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 08:13

We ALL have a responsibility. Not just men. I will chat with my kids about consent. My dh too. It’s a PEOPLE problem.

Perhaps females and males should stop making violent porn if that is an issue here?

Perhaps the Kim kardashians of the world should stop making images of her pouring champagne into glasses balanced on her bum or filming intimate acts with her boyfriend. I personally am more interested reading about the legal work she undertakes or watching videos about how she applies her makeup.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/03/2021 08:14

I can honestly say the men in my life do not talk like that about women!

Ah! Maybe I can help you there. Ask any bar maid and you will get the same answer. Men in men's company are always markedly different from when in the company of wives, mothers etc. Always! Even the most decent of them.

They may not join in with the 'banter' but they rarely call it out. They have their own issues with toxic masculinity, as I suspect many psoters here are getting quite tired of pointing out to you.

But, should you DH frequent a pub I can guarantee he won't be talking baout reading kids and reading groups. Men go to pubs to get away from that kind of chat... they will have that in passing, check in with each other initially, but it isn't what they talk about.

And I hate to break it to you but your DHs diss theme, way back then, was quite a common one. From Working Girl to Aliens, Star Wars to Silence of the Lambs, Fargo, Thelma and Louise and The Terminator.

Strong women on film were multi facetted and had been the focus of some quite intense late night discussions on TV. From Mark Kermode to Barrie Norman, lots of film critics were happily discussing it!

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 08:15

Oooh. Gold star to your hubby on his dissertation!

So when there is a decent guy out there you take the piss. YOU are part of the issue. Toxic masculinity... I’m not sure taking the puss out of a man doing good is helping

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 08:16

It is not just a people problem!

We have identified those people who are the problem. Men. So let's start there.

KK doing photoshoots to promote herself should not mean she should then be subjected to sexual harassment! JFC are you one of these who think drunk women in short skirts deserve to be raped?

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 08:17

Yeah.... I’m sure Kim did that shoot because it was artistic. She’s a very clever woman she wanted to get attention.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/03/2021 08:18

@2021ismyyear

Yeah.... I’m sure Kim did that shoot because it was artistic. She’s a very clever woman she wanted to get attention.

From who?

LastRoloIsMine · 15/03/2021 08:21

She’s a very clever woman she wanted to get attention.

Of course she wanted attention. Her job literally is being in the public eye. However that doesn't mean she deserves to be blamed when men discuss her in vile misogynistic ways, threaten her with sexual assult.

2021ismyyear · 15/03/2021 08:22

Well what she achieved was attention from men and women. She “broke the internet”

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