AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

Not acknowledging such a gesture would be a weird thing to do, let's face it. Who receives some hand-me-down baby stuff and doesn't say thank you? It's just social politeness.

No-one’s suggesting no acknowledgement - but why does it have to be delegated to the wife to do? DH can easily say thanks.

I, personally, can’t imagine a scenario, where I wouldn’t directly thank someone - but I don’t have a racist in-law to contend with.

I think just text her a quick thanks then bin it all and don’t mention (even to DH) that you have done. Problem solved.

You were ok with the thought of the second hand items that had been handled by racist BIL until you saw them.

I don't think you can use BIL as the reason you are now repelled by them.

I think your H should at least thank his sister for the trouble she went to to get the things together and box them up. If you don't want to contact her that's very understandable.

If I were your H I would strongly suspect that BIL is a mean and difficult man to live with, and I would try to keep avenues of communication with SIL open in case she ever needs help/ support. I think she is trying to do that from her end.

About the items themselves - take them out if their box and give them a good wash, then put in storage. You might have a week of projectile vomiting in your future. You never know what may come in handy.

@InkyHands - be wary of giving any of this stuff away. There is a very good chance you will be asked for it back so she can give it to someone else. (It’s a trap.) You will be the worst person in the world. Either store it in perfect condition, or give it back graciously. If not, you will never hear the end of it, and you will be the ungrateful bitch who threw out her generously “loaned” items.

I think nowadays people use the racism card too often. Maybe the husband is not racist but just doesn't like this person (regardless of their race). You can actually not like someone of another race and it's not due to their race but their personality but people always have to involve race in it these days. I have friends who are of different races that I like and some I dislike and it's nothing to do with their race!!

people use the racism card

You know, any time I hear people use the word "card" in this way- racism, sexism, homophobia, disability- I just think "arsehole".

@baddernaus maybe they do, but if you bothered to read the OP's posts you would know that this is not the case here

DH should send the text - she's his (racist enabling) sister, and baby things are not automatically wifework. Sit down with him and go through the things and when you get to something particularly manky, speculate out loud whether she would have given them to a white friend for their white baby, or is it just OK for a mixed race baby to use manky rough old tatty grey towels and things. Cleaning rags as an olive branch? Meh. I'm all for second hand and most of the stuff we use is second hand but there are limits.

@powershowerforanhour

people use the racism card

You know, any time I hear people use the word "card" in this way- racism, sexism, homophobia, disability- I just think "arsehole".

Indeed. I think the same when I hear people saying everyone is racist these days, for literally anything.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for not wanting any of it.

I wanted only new stuff before our only baby was born and when he was tiny. After the first couple of months I was grateful for everything anyone passed on.

I would tell your husband to say thanks and then stick it all somewhere out of the way and see if you want any of it in a few months. If her husband has been a racist dick to you and she hasn’t stood up to him then it’s totally not your responsibility to fix the relationship with her.

@Baddernaus

Yes, him being against our relationship and boycotting our wedding because I’m not white and am of a different religion is me just playing the race card. Him banning his son, DH’s nephew from having any sort of relationship with DH because he doesn’t want a toddler to have anything to do with anyone from my background is just him not liking me for reasons other than race. Him being hostile to me every time I’ve seen him and insulting and attacking my race and religion to my in laws, telling them DH should have married someone white, is just me saying everyone is racist these days, for literally anything.

People like you are the problem. I shouldn’t have to explain everything he has said and done (the above being a high level summary) to explain why he is racist. It is people like you who condone racism and allow it to perpetuate and then say “oh but I have friends from other backgrounds” that are shameful. You should have been ashamed of yourself when accusing me of playing the race card when I already explained that his behaviour is undoubtedly racist.