AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

I can completely understand that the box of baby clothes would have horrible and negative associations for you about the appalling treatment and racism from your BIL. It does not bode well that she has married a racist and has seemingly never pulled him up on his behaviour. I could never EVER even be friends with such a person so to marry one you have to in some ways be sympathetic to such views.

Your husband has thanked SIL, I would now just put the box in storage until the time comes when you can give it all to a charity shop.

OP, you've posted about these people before and also mentioned how your PIL have minimised BIL's racist behaviour for an easy life.

These people are not worth your time, they are not willing to challenge racism. Do not thank this woman and make it clear to DH that you don't want anything from them. You don't these people anything, least of all validation.

*you don't owe these people anything

Re: your BIL he sounds horrible and it's not surprising you feel how you do but for the sake of your baby and your husband maybe you can be the better person.

Wow. Love how it's always on us minorities to accept hateful views, rather than expecting the people who love us to challenge racism. Incredible.

You could just text her and say thank you, and put the stuff in a cupboard and buy your own. It doesn't have to be that deep.

So OP should pretend she is using grotty old stuff to appease a racist and his apologists? What a joke.

"So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent."

I think the second hand clothes are the least of your family's problems.

It is difficult to see why your SIL would stay married to someone with such abhorrent views but none of us on here know her or her situation.

The baby stuff is easily dealt with. Just text thanks but we have so much stuff and dont need it now, do you want it back or shall we pass to the charity shop/regift?

I'd have nothing to do with SIL or her husband ever.

Will she expect to have a relationship with your DC? Is your H going to expect you to suck it up and facilitate this?

She's the kind of person who say's 'I'm not racist, my sister in law is black, I'm related to a black person'

You may be grateful, a few weeks down the line, to have spares even if not white and fluffy. Ask dh to send a thank you text and put away what you would prefer not to use. Items like bottle warmers may be useful and easier to wipe over as required.

You may be grateful, a few weeks down the line

Grateful for things bought by an open racist?

Wow, I am genuinely blown away by the responses here. I posted this as I was in bed last night, read the initial responses and went to sleep, expecting that would be it. Really didn't expect this thread to receive so many responses, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and comment.

The comments have helped me to differentiate the issue with SIL's husband and the gift gifting into two separate categories. When I do that, I realise my issue with the gifts is not the quality of them, for which I am now grateful, but the fact that they are, technically speaking, also from SIL's husband. I genuinely think that is why I am so put off by them - I don't want anything in my life that involves him and all these baby products are things he would have bought and used too. Someone on the first page explained it well:

Seriously, you’re meant to get excited about the cast-offs of a child whose father prevents you or your DH having any relationship with due to racism

Some of you have asked why I accepted it despite the issues with her husband. Honestly speaking, I accepted for the sake of DH. He adores his sister and has a good relationship with her (which is why he is keen for us to be close), and there he was excitedly running through the list of things she was offering. As he was telling me, I can honestly say I was thinking "but, they're his stuff, they're tainted, I don't want to put our baby in things that have his bad energy in it", but I tried to put that to one side for DH's sake, hence why I accepted. DH then asked me the question if I'm ok with this stuff knowing that it was used by SIL's husband and I told him I am viewing it as her and the nephew's stuff, not her husband's stuff as well (which is how I've viewed every other gift from her over the past couple of years). And that is what I was telling myself. Essentially, someone was offering us a gift, it's the first time someone has offered second hand baby stuff to us, and I felt terribly rude turning it all down simply because of SIL's husband.

Someone questioned if I'm sure his behaviour is racist and whether it is a clash of personalities instead - yes, there is no doubt whatsoever. Please don't question my racist experiences and blame it on a clash of personalities. There has never been a clash - I have not spent enough time with him for there to be a clash in the first place! I do not need to list out everything he has said and done, which is actually in your face open racism rather than subtle racism, to justify me calling his behaviour racist. Comments like that continue to silence people on the receiving end of racism and it is not ok.

Finally, some of you remember my previous post and the advice given then. I am working on being more vocal with my DH about how I feel about SIL's husband and the fact that my SIL has never once acknowledged it to me directly or that PIL have downplayed the whole thing. DH is genuinely one of the most kind hearted and gentle people I know, and he is very close to his family, so it's hard for me to essentially be negative about his family when he doesn't have a negative bone in his entire body. I have brought it up a few times when the time is right and he recognises my pain but doesn't know what to do. We live several hours away from all of them so don't see them that often, which makes the whole thing bearable. I think if we were closer and I had to see and spend time with my in laws regularly, this would be causing serious issues in our marriage, so I am at least grateful for that.

@mainsfed

So OP should pretend she is using grotty old stuff to appease a racist and his apologists? What a joke.

Well really the OP should have said no in the first place surely? Boils down to the fact she was happy to use stuff from a racist and his apologists when it suited her?

Your husband should send the text saying thanks, not you. If he wants the text to be sent, why can’t he just send it.

I’m not fully understanding the issue with SIL. I get that BIL is racist and think that it’s very unreasonable for anyone to try to make you have contact with him. However, I wonder what the deal with SIL is. Is she trapped with BIL because she has a family with him and intertwined finances etc etc? And therefore finds overlooking his racist ways a better alternative than not being able to live with her kids all the time (ie if they divorced?). Or do you think SIL is also racist but does not actually voice these thoughts like BIL does.

The other thing is that it’s difficult to know whether SIL just dumped a load of her old poor condition crap on you, as a kind of fuck you or whether she genuinely thought that the stuff is decent and that she’s doing you a favour. Either way I think stick it in the loft so it doesn’t bother you any more. And get dh to say thanks if that’s his wish.

@Brunt0n

OP has explained why she said the s, for the sake of her DH. Her DH should never have out her in this position. But it’s not too late, it can be sent back.

But well done for ignoring the racism.

[quote mainsfed]@Brunt0n

OP has explained why she said the s, for the sake of her DH. Her DH should never have out her in this position. But it’s not too late, it can be sent back.

But well done for ignoring the racism.[/quote]
When did I ignore the racism?
OP has a DH problem, if they're racist towards her, why is he not doing something about that?

I also think, form hereon don't agree to things with regards your H's family just to please him as it hurts you.

He needs to face up to the fact his racist family is causing you and your DC harm. Because their attitude will be harmful to your non white DC.

@Brunt0n because you’re focusing on why OP initially agreed, not OP’s reasons for not wanting to use the stuff.

Babies do three things a LOT:-

Poo
Wee
Vomit

You will spend the first year of your baby’s life clearing up bodily fluids. It is very useful to have some old towels / muslins to do so with. I could have cried the first time dd’s beautiful, fluffy, pure white towel got stained.

Of course - some people would also get a certain level of pleasure from the thought of items being bought by a racist being used to clear up your (presumably) multiracial child’s excrement.

[quote mainsfed]@Brunt0n because you’re focusing on why OP initially agreed, not OP’s reasons for not wanting to use the stuff.[/quote]
I understand entirely why OP would want absolutely nothing to do with those people, who sound vile, even if the baby stuff was diamond encrusted (which sounds impractical but you know what I mean 😁)

Fair enough Brunt, think we’re on the same page.

Honestly, if SIL and BIL are racist, I wouldn’t be surprised if this box of stuff is either a token to “prove” that they are “better than you are” by stirring up trouble or sending their old, unwanted crap over to you because your PIL are nagging them to “Prove” that they’re not arseholes. What I think you need to do is write a lovely card thanking them for their generosity, but let them know you already have all of those things already. As you don’t want to double up, and you don’t know if they want to keep them for the next baby, you’re giving them back so they can decide what they’d like to do with them.

My SIL lent me loads of baby stuff and some was in good condition and some less so. I just used the stuff I liked and put some away in storage then gave it all back with effusive thanks. She has been super kind, but she's married to my brother, so closer relationship and I like her husband!

YABU wanting all brand new stuff for your baby. As pp have said, new mums choose completely the wrong stuff and new babies then grow really fast, totally pointless. Plus next baby might be opposite sex, etc. There must be something in the bundle you can use. I felt that if I tried to do lots of second hand and hand me downs I could let myself off the hook about the disposable nappies, but I still feel guilty about all the new stuff we have ended up buying overall.

It doesn't matter what the clothes are like. There are far more important issues at stake .
What counts is that yourhusband's sister is reaching out and trying to mend fences , to include you and the baby in the wider family. That family connection is what is best for the baby; it will last all his life, unlike some designer outfit.

. Neither you, OR his racist uncle, should get in the way of your child's birthright.

       Of course she knows her hisbands racist views  so she's actually making a stand against him.  Thank her  and  say something nice about  wanting your child to know and love his Auntie.

      Babies grow out of everything so fast and it really doesn't matter if his  vest and night babygro are a bit grey.

She's not really making a stand against her husbands racist views by staying married to him is she? She's tolerating them, and expecting op and her child to do the same. I'm sorry, but fuck that.