AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

Ouch, you do sound a bit precious about the whole wanting everything new, and should be grateful that she has given you stuff. I think the issue with her husband needs to be thought of as a separate issue.

It’s good manners to say thank you, be the bigger person. Fuck him and his racist views, you’re better than that OP. You have little to do with them, let it stay that way and keep it civil, knowing you have got the measure of him, and her (for sitting silent - you never know, she might feel trapped in a relationship with him; he does sound particularly awful).

@MrsTerryPratchett

Send a thank you note to the sister-in-law - you are thanking her for her intention and thoughts not the actual product.

Wifework at its finest. OP doesn't want it, doesn't want a relationship, doesn't feel grateful but has to message to say thanks. The man does want it, does want a relationship and wants thanks to be expressed but doesn't have to message.

This is one of the very many reasons we still need feminism.

Wifework? It's just being polite. Also "send a thank you note" doesn't say who in their household has to send the thank you.

Do some people actually split every single task in their household via which side of the family needs to be dealt with?

'Someone' at their house can thank, store, return or bin.

It takes into account the feelings of the SIL without any significant burden on either DH or OP.

It preserves the potential of a future relationship with SIL for her sake despite her husband.

It's not your job to send the thank you, if you don't want to - your husband can.

Neither is it your SILs job to manage her husband. He sounds awful, but she can't be expected to be responsible for him.

@Returnoftheowl

Your husband should be the one to thank his sister. It's not up to him to force a relationship between the pair of you.

This. I'd tell him to f off. It's not his place to force you to be warm toward her.

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Why do you have to be trotted out to send the ‘thank you’ text?

Why can’t your DH just send it? She his sister. It will be his baby. It’s his relationship to maintain, not yours.

Why do you - the person on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour - have to be the one to send it?

That’s absolutely not OK.

Exactly this. He's the baby's father; let him thank her.

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods.

It's silly to be precious about babies in secondhand clothes, especially as we want to preserve the planet for our children.

However, it is perfectly reasonable not to want hand-me-downs from racist and estranged family. Personally, I'd send a thank you text (the politeness is hard to quell in me, what can I say?), put the bag away as suggested, and carry on as you are.

I wouldn’t have anything to do with SIL in your position so your DH would have to send a message of thanks if he wanted one sent.

If someone with a long track record of not condemning her racist husband’s remarks towards me sent me a box of old worn out hand me downs I wouldn’t be particularly grateful. I would almost be suspicious that it was a snub.

I wouldn't have a relationship with them either, as they don't sound nice, but not sure a text about box of baby clothes that you said you wanted is the right medium to convey this. I'd just let DH text thanks or send a simple text "thanks for the baby clothes", then pass on/bin the stuff as appropriate.

I wouldn't look too deeply in to the quality of the items. I'm sure SIL, despite her problems, didn't pick out the nice clothes and send you the worn ones as a sign. People just throw stuff in to a bag and give it to you.

I advise you as a person having used items in the attic. Take it! Once the baby is here you realise that having some second hand items is useful. Things I didn't need I passed on others.

I’d leave the thanks to your DH.

Now might be a good time to have a good conversation with him about your feelings about your SIL because if he’s trying to push a better relationship between you then presumably that means he’s expecting her to have some sort of relationship with your child. More important to find out his intentions about that than some second hand bits.

I realised once I had my children that people passing things on is not always kindness it is because you have all this stuff you need to get rid of. I was delighted to pass stuff on so don't overthink what kind of response you owe her as I am sure she is glad to get rid of it. If she is generally ok despite her husband just see it for what it is and either use or bin or keep for charity . I don't see the harm in you sending a quick thank you text as it is for your baby jointly with husband and then it is dealt with and needs no more head space.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods.

I used second hand goods, does that mean my babies were worth less?!

You are entitled to buy new. But don't suggest that somehow makes you a better a mother, it's just a choice.

Op just leave him to text. What her husband has done is disgusting, I wouldn't have any relationship with her unless she acknowledges that.

@emilyfrost some people don't have a choice

Its your child do what you like. If you may need to return it after then shove it up the loft and send it back as and when. You never know you might find some bits useful.

Our first child we had loads and I mean loads of hand me downs palmed off on us which I accepted to be polite, I made use of about 1% of it. We got brought so many gifts esp as its the first born we didn't need any of it. We are now second time around have a loft full of baby things from 1st child and people are still offering more hand me downs. I've been grateful but honest that we really don't need it, thanks but no thanks. The fact is we have things from 1st born we don't need but with covid etc no one wants it, charities are not interested, even the local baby bank is bursting with items and has refused it!

With regards to the racism that is not and never will be acceptable and dont blame you for not wanting to make contact personally. I'd just let DH deal with it.

You’re definitely not unreasonable for how you feel - he sounds like a true turd, and it’s not your responsibility to build a relationship with either of them. You would be completely entitled never to speak to either of the racist arseholes again.

I think the matter is slightly complicated by the fact that you’ve already accepted these items - it makes it harder to refuse them on principle. For that reason, to save yourself from further stress, I would get your husband to send a very brief message of thanks (certainly no need to express how very grateful you are - a quick, basic thank you will do) then stick the stuff in your attic if you think your SIL will one day want it back, or donate / bin if not. There’s no reason in the world why he shouldn’t be the one to thank his own sister, it’s not your job (particularly given how absolutely awful they have been to you).

Wow! Can you let me know where I send my children back to? Seeing as my circumstances drastically changed after I had DD2 - I became disabled, DH had to become my carer we both had to leave well paid jobs. We had no choice to buy second hand (although I bought second hand for DD1 through choice). Maybe you should have a think about things like that before you make sweeping statements.

@maxineputyourredshoeson

Wow! Can you let me know where I send my children back to? Seeing as my circumstances drastically changed after I had DD2 - I became disabled, DH had to become my carer we both had to leave well paid jobs. We had no choice to buy second hand (although I bought second hand for DD1 through choice). Maybe you should have a think about things like that before you make sweeping statements.

Sorry that was in reply to emilyfrost

I’m sorry your BIL is a racist. I too am an ethnic minority married to a white person who has admittedly said parts of his family are racist.

I put down YABU bcos I don’t see how the two subjects are connected. Your SIL sent you a box of baby clothes, you said yourself she has tried to build a relationship but you are not interested. the gracious thing to do would say thank you, it doesn’t have to be a gushing text, and no one is asking you to communicate with BIL- you’re not having to thank the BIL. And I of course understand the reasons why you wouldn’t want to.

I have it reverse in my husbands family- I have a perfectly fine relationship with the non racist partner bcos they are fine with me (atleast to my face) and keep engagement to a minimum with the other partner.

On my side of the family my dad is the one who has never spoken to my husband but my mum loves & talks to my husband. She can’t change my dad and has accepted he is the way he is but that she will have a relationship with who she wants.

My husband and I don’t penalise or punish people who are associated to racist ppl bcos it’s not as black and white as that, and since you seem to be doing that (apologies if I have got this wrong- it’s what I got from your post but understand it’s a very small snippet into your world) are doing that with your SIL to be completely honest makes me a little sad especially as she does try to make an effort. You don’t need to be best buds with her and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or a snob (your words!) in not wanting to use the second hand baby stuff but a thanks costs nothing.

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods

This, on the other hand, is a profoundly stupid comment.

Your baby isn’t worth more than any other baby just because you dress her in new clothes. For those of us who give a shit about the planet, second hand clothes are brilliant. They’re also much more affordable for parents on a lower income.

Babies don’t wear out their clothes, and some of us want to minimise our contribution to landfill for the sake of the planet our babies will grow up on.

I assure you my son is worth just as much as your daughter, even if he’s not the first child to have worn his dungarees.

It is silly to want everything new.

What isn’t silly, and I think is often missed on these sorts of threads, is wanting to buy things you personally like and would choose. I have no objection to buying a second hand item that’s to my taste. I don’t want to just be given stuff that I don’t like.

Choosing baby items is one of the nicest parts of having a baby and it isn’t unreasonable in any way to want to enjoy it.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Send a thank you note to the sister-in-law - you are thanking her for her intention and thoughts not the actual product.

Wifework at its finest. OP doesn't want it, doesn't want a relationship, doesn't feel grateful but has to message to say thanks. The man does want it, does want a relationship and wants thanks to be expressed but doesn't have to message.

This is one of the very many reasons we still need feminism.

This. In spades.