AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

Get your husband to thank HIS sister for the stuff for HIS baby.
Then put it in a cupboard and don’t use it; I’m a huge fan of second hand baby kit but if she wants to make amends for her husbands behaviour (I assume he’ll never change) she needs to woman up and explicitly say he’s a dick and she’d like to distance herself from his opinions and make a relationship with you herself. A few old muslins won’t cut it.

@Returnoftheowl

Your husband should be the one to thank his sister. It's not up to him to force a relationship between the pair of you.

Agree - and as well as saying "Thanks for the stuff", he should say "Do you want it back when we're finished with it?" And keep the text.

If she says' "Yes", stick it in the loft and give it back (unused) in 6 months. If she says "No" send it to the Oxfam shop immediately.

It doesn't sound as though you socialise with them - she'll never know you've dumped it.

As you are soon to have your new baby the last thing you want is animosity in the family (even if it is all from their side) so say a thankyou, stick it at the back of the cupboard and carry on as before.

I get it

I’m an ethnic minority married to a white man who has a racist mother and brother.

Anything I got from them for the kids felt like I was indirectly saying ‘you’re so kind to give me these items and I’ll accept them whilst I ignore your behaviour towards me’ . It was almost like telling them their behaviour was okay by accepting their ‘gifts’. I don’t know if I’ve explained that properly?

The stance I took was to accept the items not because we couldn’t afford them but because I was acknowledging their thoughtfulness. But I continued to pull them up on their shitty behaviour and didn’t have a close relationship with them and still don’t.

If they want to gift the kids clothes (they were second hand and new) then so be it. But being racist horrible people was a separate issue. I learnt to appreciate the nice part of them but not to bow down to the horrible part.

Of course they used their nice thoughtfulness as control. ‘Can you believe we give her so much and she’s not even close to us’

‘I’m not close to you because you say horrible hurtful things about my ethnicity but I appreciate you have made the effort to give the kids things which are useful’

YANBU for not wanting to be friends or accept gifts from the racist couple. Your husband can thank them if he wants to. He shouldn't request that you talk to someone who was so rude to you and pretend nothing happened, that totally denies your feelings.

YABU wanting to get all completely new stuff for your baby. You will literally use it for a few months and that's it. It's nice to have some new stuff of course, but not accepting anything second hand, even stuff like a few babygrows or muslin, is a waste of money and bad for the environment. Really, why do you care if it's grey? It's only for wiping up sick anyway!

@houseplantlover

He's a racist pos and she's an enabler. Silence is violence and she is complicit. You owe them nothing. Don't text her.

Agree with this. She must tolerate or agree with his racism to still be with him. I very much doubt it only became apparent when he boycotted the wedding. I would leave a partner who was racist, no question. And I’d take a very dim view of my sibling if they stayed married to such a vile bigot.

Send a thank you text, it's only polite. Put stuff in loft or throw away.

If it was all in fair condition, fair enough but it's not.

Why can’t he say thank you?
He sounds patronising. Has he ever pulled them up on their racism or does he ignore it and hope that it goes away?

I’d probably keep them and just say thanks for the baby stuff. Is she expecting it back? I was grateful to have lots of spares because babies are messy!

@MrsWooster

Get your husband to thank HIS sister for the stuff for HIS baby. Then put it in a cupboard and don’t use it; I’m a huge fan of second hand baby kit but if she wants to make amends for her husbands behaviour (I assume he’ll never change) she needs to woman up and explicitly say he’s a dick and she’d like to distance herself from his opinions and make a relationship with you herself. A few old muslins won’t cut it.

Absolutely this. If I was your sister in law and was genuinely mortified by my partner’s behavior, I would be making more effort to reach out to you.

Your sister in law is not your brother in law. They are two totally different people. In fact your sister in law is more likely to be like your husband in character due to shared genetics and upbringing.

I suspect what you know of brother in laws behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect he is full of hatred generally and it’s not solely about race. I recon your sister in law is dealing with lots of his crap and walking on eggshells.

you’re reading too much into her not mentioning her partner. This box of items might be the best she has and her motives could be kindness and wanting to build relations.

Send a brief thank you and ask if she wants it back when you have finished, if no just set aside for emergencies/getting a dog

If you already had everything you needed, I don’t really think you should have accepted her things. Now you’re in an awkward predicament, I’d personally just stash the box away somewhere and give her it back in a few months. Your DH should thank her and he should understand why you find building a relationship with her so difficult.

I'd keep it in the box, you never know when you may be grateful for it.
(I ran out of clean babygrows a couple of times at 4am.)

Let you DH send a text to your SIL and don't give them any headspace at all.

I don't think I can address the racist aspect of your post, but can I just advise you keep the stuff from SIL, and use some of it to wipe up awful messes (and yes even your lovely first time baby will make them) and you can then throw the dirty item away.
Honestly muslins etc are never without use with a young child.

Let DH text her a thank you. And don't use the stuff if you don't like it, SIL will never know anyway. And you don't have to be close with SIL or friends or chatty or anything.

I think shes offering an olive branch. Her much loved baby things have been passed onto you and that shows she likes you / wants to build a relationship with you. It'll make things a lot worse to snub this gift.

Yep. Change has to start somewhere. And you're about to have something in common. Motherhood.

Stick it in the loft and forget about it until it's time to return it. If she offers anything else just say no thank you.

Your husband can say thanks to her. She's his sister and you aren't his secretary.

I'm a big fan of second hand but I can understand why these things seem tainted by the awful racist husband.

I don't think you owe it to SIL to accept her friendship. She enables a racist FFS. If she asked me why I would bloody well tell her. Your BIL sounds vile.

I think you should thank her for the baby stuff as she took the time to sort it, box it and post it to you for free. It’s good manners to thank her even if you don’t like it.

Her husband being racist has nothing to do with the baby clothes.

You knew they’d been used so wouldn’t be in pristine condition. You accepted them. Why disappointed when you only planned to use them at someone else’s house anyway?

Babies mess up nice clothes very quickly so it’s good to have a load of spares. Think baby poo, vomit, curdled milk, food stains once they start weaning. You’ll be changing your baby’s outfit multiple times a day and washing on a high temperature, so even the best brands don’t stay soft and stain-free for long!

There’s nothing wrong with secondhand, I think you’re coming across as quite judgemental about it. Your SIL did you a favour but the items aren’t good enough?

Your husband's sister has chosen to be with this vile man.

Why did you accept the offer?
I wouldn't want anything from their racist home.

I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do in any way with someone who chose to be with someone who held such views.

Your husband has a real cheeky pushing this on you.

Is he a bully?
I cannot imagine any decent man not being appalled at this.

I wonder why you married him.
For his sister to be with someone so repugnant is strange.

I would judge the family and I would judge them accepting him.

Does the rest of your husband's family happily socialise with this pig?

Because you are the company you keep.

If they socialise with them, they accept his views and behaviour.

I hope you have family and friends who support you OP.

Because I really would worry about being anywhere near people who hold those views or tolerate those that do.

Do not send any text if you don't wish to.
Do not accept anything more from his sister.
Your husband is responsible for his relationship with his sister.

But I would not have married a man who would maintain a relationship with a sister who had married such a man.

Your BIL views are shocking.
How anyone could live with someone who held those views is beyond me.

I certainly wouldn't want any child of mine within a 100 metres of such people.
Ever.

YANBU, it's your baby and you have the right to use what you want for him or her. You don't have to use worn, shabby stuff just because someone has been "kind" enough to give them to you. (people often can't see how old and worn their old stuff is).
You could just say thanks and not use it. People gave me lots of unsuitable secondhand stuff in poor condition for mine and I just gave it to the charity shop, the really grotty stuff went into textiles recycling.
Your child, your choice. New mums shouldn't have to put other people's feelings first.

@FictionalCharacter

YANBU, it's your baby and you have the right to use what you want for him or her. You don't have to use worn, shabby stuff just because someone has been "kind" enough to give them to you. (people often can't see how old and worn their old stuff is). You could just say thanks and not use it. People gave me lots of unsuitable secondhand stuff in poor condition for mine and I just gave it to the charity shop, the really grotty stuff went into textiles recycling. Your child, your choice. New mums shouldn't have to put other people's feelings first.

their *own stuff

Get your husband to thank her then have a conversation with him about why you don't want a relationship with her. If her husband is a racist then frankly it means she is ok with his views, so I personally (also an ethnic minority) would not want anything to do with either of them, and would be very pissed off if my H wanted me to be sister sister with a white supremacist.

I would send message thanking her for the kind thought, however you have what you need and should you return or donate to charity.
Hateful man (BIL), I'm very sorry to hear that.

Just say thank you. Your SIL is trying to be nice and you are naive. Babies shit and puke and can get through loads of outfits and towels in one day. It really doesn't matter if they're not brand new.

Re: your BIL he sounds horrible and it's not surprising you feel how you do but for the sake of your baby and your husband maybe you can be the better person.