AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

You should send a quick text to say thanks as you instructed your dh to agree to have the items. The fact that they are not to your taste is irrelevant. As for your bil being racist and potentially having bought some of those items, well why didn't you think of that before? You could have told your dh that whilst sil's offer was lovely you have everything that you need already. Not saying thanks makes you look petulant when you think you are coming from a place of higher ground. I remember your posts about your bil and yes I would not want to have any contact with your sil in general if she can't stand up to her dh but your bigger issue, which I and many other posters commented on was your dh's need for you and his sister to be close.

These issues will keep coming up unless you get the strength to tell your dh you want nothing to do with sil as her dh is racist and she either can't stand up to him or won't or at worse shares some if his views.

In general I do not think you are being precious about not wanting second hand items for your firstborn. I didn't want any from other people either especially things like towels and muslins which were likely to be well worn. I bought new but have reused the items for my second child and will now use again with my third. I will then donate the better quality items like coats, party dresses and jeans.

Yanbu. I agree with you because of the racism. So they send a token box of items and you are now expected to be so grateful enough that the racism is swept aside. And accepting the items means that the racism is now accepted but everyone will tip toe around it.
I think I read your other thread op.
I would be the most upset at your dh. Why is he even so eager to please racists? And the audacity of him to want YOU to smooth things over.
I feel if you let this go without an acknowledgement of this issue then it's going to be more problems down the line.

@Italiangreyhound

Agree with cabingirl

"Send a thank you note to the sister-in-law - you are thanking her for her intention and thoughts not the actual product.

Pack them all in a box and put in the attic.

About nine months after the baby is born - message her to see if she wants anything back or you can pass on when you don't need anymore.

Either give back or bin."

Good luck with your baby.

This^ Donate to charity if she doesn’t want anything back.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods.

What my child is worth to me is a reason I don't want to destroy the environment he will have to live in.

Second hand baby stuff is great...you'll soon see babies just puke on everything.

Racists are awful and you don't have to pander to them or their spineless spouses. Explain that you won't be building bridges with someone who treated you that way. Because...why would you????? If any nicer folk offer you stuff... I would grab it...but I'd tip hers in a skip anyway. Because she's so so so close to being as vile as her husband.

You shouldn't have agreed to it if you didn't want it. I'd let your DH thank her and then just keep it in a box for emergencies/see if you can get rid of it.

OP I'd reply this myself in this instance for a practical reason:.

Hi DIL, thanks for the baby things. Would you like any or all if it back when we're finished with it?

Use it or don't, it actually doesn't matter (I found it good to have extra backup baby clothes for poonamis..). But knowing if she wants things back is very important! If she doesn't you don't even need to keep it. If she does then even if you do use it, you know those are the pieces not to get any pop stains on!!

As for her being married to a racist, well I'd have a very hard time ignoring my DB getting married to a racist. You can't truly be anti racism and have it at home and (inevitably) have your own child subjected to it. Unless she didn't realise he was racist until after they had kids, then she's tolerated it. You don't need to make any effort and you're not overthinking etc. But I would make clear what she's expecting with the baby things as there's a potential for future difficulties that could be avoided by asking now.

By the time you are weaning baby you won't care so much about having nice new clothes as they will get destroyed!

Give it back. Say thanks for the offer but you have all the stuff already. Symbolically you’d be putting a racist next to your baby every time you used it. By accepting it you’re accepting them into your home life. Sounds silly but I’d hate it.

Side note: second hand baby stuff is great normally.

Thank sil for the clothes

Wash the clothing and put in lots of conditioner, tumble dry fold and put away

If you don’t use it or if you find you do so what, decide later. If you never use it then send it back afterwards with a thank you note

Sil might not be married for ever but will be dh sister still

Also don’t put it in the garage etc. These people tired to boycott your wedding which is beyond rude. You can make a polite excuse and return their belongings to them.

@InkyHands
I agreed that she should send it across
Yabu. You accepted her offer. Now be polite and thank her.
If your political position re her husband was an issue you should have declined.

Text her. Thank you for the baby stuff but your husband is still a racist shit bag and this will not make up for his behaviour and your silent endorsement of it.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods.

I can’t quite believe I’ve just read that

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Why do you have to be trotted out to send the ‘thank you’ text?

Why can’t your DH just send it? She his sister. It will be his baby. It’s his relationship to maintain, not yours.

Why do you - the person on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour - have to be the one to send it?

That’s absolutely not OK.

Yes I agree with this - your OH can thank them if he really wants. It's cruel to expect you to do it.

A friend handed down some muslins in similar condition. I used them to line DD's changing mat as she would wee every time her nappy was taken off! Then I could keep the nice new ones for everything else.

I'd leave the thank you message to your DH.

I'd also make it clear now that you don't want further hand-me-downs from SIL.

@emilyfrost

YANBU. I would never put my child in second hand clothes, nor would I use any second hand items like muslins/bibs/bottles etc. She is worth much more then second hand goods.

Are you implying babies who have to use 2nd hand stuff aren't worth as much!?

Explain to oh that you will never build a relationship with an extreme racist enabler and you will protect your kids from this .

HE can thank her it's his baby too,

Make sure he gets clarification on weather they want the Stuff back ( if they haven't finished with kids this could cause drama later)
Donate to a refuge etc

All my baby stuff was second hand btw all my kids clothes are from relatives but not nazis

I think you are being precious. We use 4th handed stuff and yes it’s not looking brand new fresh but it’s clean. You’re brand new stuff will look like that soon!!!

The racism is a totally different issue and needs to be addressed and that’s totally unacceptable and vile

Heck I wouldn't have a friendship with someone who stayed married to a vile racist. And no one should expect you to. Yanbu and tell your dp to thank his racist enabling sister himself. Then bin the stuff.

OP my background is very similar to you. I’m an ethnic minority married to a white family. My SIL’s husband has always been pleasant to me though, and did attend my wedding, but voted BNP so make of that what you will.

It’s your baby and you can do what you like. But I do think with the baby items you’re being very precious about it. Babies grow so fast and get messy quickly you’ll find yourself churning through stuff in no time. Things are also expensive so I thought it was nice they were willing to give you stuff for free. Just more stuff going to landfill at the end of the day!

Obvs racism is never OK. Your DH should be the one to talk to SIL and her husband about this, and not you. Is SIL trying to offer an olive branch? Racism for a lot of people is very difficult to talk about and maybe your SIL genuinely doesn’t know how to go about it. If she has only been kind, I wouldn’t punish her to spite him. But get your DH involved to talk to them.

I got far too much stuff from my SIL and we have pretty much the opposite taste. Admittedly a lot has gone out. However when your kid is unwell/weaning/going out in the mud its handy to have some outfits you are happy to get wrecked. Also if you are ever putting your child to nursery you very quickly become less precious about what they wear because everything comes back filthy and stained. Also it is handy to have a wee back up bag of clothes for the times when the washing is building up and they go through yet another vest.

I don't blame you for wanting all new stuff. I didn't want all my sil second hand stuff so I told her I didn't need it.

You shouldn't have accepted the stuff to begin with especially as she's married to a racist and doesn't appear to have tried to distinguish herself from her racist husband to you.

But as you've accepted her stuff, it's the polite thing to do and say thanks. It's 2 seconds of your time

DH can send the thank you note, as the baby is his as well as yours. You put the box in the loft and give her it back if she ever asks for it. And if she correctly infers that the reason you're a little cold with her is because of her racist husband, that's all to the good. Maybe it will once spur her to talk with him about it, or distance herself from his comments when they're out in public. And I would tell that to your DH as well. He should be protecting you from this nonsense. You should absolutely not have to make yourself uncomfortable to save the feelings of SIL or racist BIL. It really gets up my nose when people behave as though it's worse to let someone know they are a racist (or married to a racist) than it is to actually be racist.

just say thank you
no one will know if you use it or not.