AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

How the fuck is your DH managing to turn the mental somersaults he must be doing, in order to have a 'good relationship' with a sister who is ok with her husband refusing to allow him near their child because he's a racist and disapproves of his wife?

Omg!

He does not have a good relationship with his sister.

He's not 'not negative' - he is afraid of being cut off and ok with being a nodding dog to the RACISM shown towards his wife and so he is being a complete coward.

Seriously he doesn't see his nephew because her husband won't let it happen and his sister is ok with that and apparently that's all fiiine?

I would not be fine with him having a lovely 'close relationship' with his sister - ie fake shit 24/7 - in these circumstances. It would be a kick in the teeth from my DH. And I'd also hate to have a H with so little backbone or courage to stand up for me, or what's right.

I mean, this isn't just you, her foul racist H is actively preventing a relationship between your DH and his nephew, and he's there smiling and showing his belly and his major concern here is that YOU should be making his horrible racist-apologist sister feel good?!

Fuck that, those clothes would be in the fucking bin.

Open your eyes to your coward DH.

Just send her a quick polite mssg saying hope your well, thank you for the baby items. And leave it at that. You won't become best friends Due to some hand me downs. She is just as awful for allowing her twat dh to get away with treating her brothers wife in that manner and not even apologising to you for it, her dh actions do have consequences upon her too.
There's no way I could build a relationship with someone like that.
Don't use the stuff she gave, leave it and eventually give it away in charity.

O would probably send a quick message saying the box has arrived, thank you

Then think about what happens going forward. Does she expect a relationship with your baby? Despite denying you one with your nephew? Because that is where I would think, you can fuck right off you hypocritical two faced twat.

And I'd be pointing this out repeatedly to your DH as evidence of how wrong he is to try and force a relationship on you with someone who thinks so little of you

Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry for what you have experienced

I have a theory

When having first baby, people have a tendency to go over board with buying of stuff. Blankets clothes muslins, etc they spend eye watering amounts on equipment which is only really useful for a few months and some of it not useful at all.

Most of it is either not used or used for a very short time: when the baby or babies have grown up, you end up with piles of stuff and realise that it's all a total waste of money and it's literally £100s of stuff that you feel guilty about. Plus you have a sentimental attachment to it but no further use

What you gonna do? Give it away to a a friend or give it to charity shop or bin it?

Just say thanks and keep it for an emergency You're doing her a favour by taking it off her hands.

Not the other way round.

But pls don't be precious about stuff. It doesn't have to be new to be the best/ think of the planet

In the nicest possible way, I think you're overthinking it - your BIL is a racist wanker; your SIL (whether she agrees or not) is enabling him and not calling him out on it; and your husband is doing the same AND wanting you to appear grateful?! It's no wonder you're going round in circles but whatever you do, a) I guarantee your BIL will still be a racist twat and your SIL will have her nose put out, and b) your husband will still want you to thank them for it. WTF.

I guess my point is, the second-hand baby clothes are not the problem here.

@YoniAndGuy

I mean, this isn't just you, her foul racist H is actively preventing a relationship between your DH and his nephew, and he's there smiling and showing his belly and his major concern here is that YOU should be making his horrible racist-apologist sister feel good?!

Fuck that, those clothes would be in the fucking bin.

Open your eyes to your coward DH.

Completely agree.

OP says her husband is so easy going AKA for he has zero character or backbone just like his sister.

Silence in the face of such vile views makes them complicit.

Why you are with such a weak man and giving your poor child such a weak father god only knows.

Your husband will have a mixed race child, how exactly will he deal with that?

Will he apologise for it?
Will he walk away from you both in the face of the type of shit your BIL's view?

I wouldn't give apologists like your husband a cup of tea, not to mind a child.

Women excuse weak, pathetic men with zero character like your husband as "easy going".

Easy going my arse.
They just are selfish and dont care about anyone except themselves.
They stand for nothing because they care for nothing.

You are lyi g to yourself about who you married.

I'm a white woman and if I heard that shit from MY husbands family there would be murder.

It's called simple decency.

You married down OP, really down.

Be very careful for your child bringing it into such a foul family.

Wow. Love how it's always on us minorities to accept hateful views, rather than expecting the people who love us to challenge racism. Incredible.

@Slidepastthevoid I'm not suggesting the OP should accept hateful views. Her husband is challenging racism by marrying her and loving her despite his family's racism. OPs SIL is doing the same by tentatively offering friendship.

Angry confontation isn't the only way to challenge hatred. Lastly, how dare you presume I'm not a "minority" - that really is racist.

@squirrelloveranon the 'us' could include you here - it's you who assumed that I thought you were not a minority. I was saying that presumption that us as the minority should always try to be the bigger person is not what works for me. I don't think that way, you can if you want to, everyone has different ways of dealing with the racism put upon us. My mother often says to me why can't I be the bigger person - I say how can you not be angry and challenge?

And if you think I'm being somehow racist, fine. That is up to you. But I don't have the constitution to rise above - if you do, great.

And I don't think the OPs husband is somehow 'challenging' racism by marrying her - to me, that is a racist assumption. I certainly don't think any white man who dates me is doing it to challenge racism

Who knows what the sister's motivations are. Unless she told me straight up that she found her husband's views embarrasing I would think she was ok with them.

I would send it back. Get your DH to say that while you appreciate her sending it, on reflection after everything that has gone on you understandably don’t feel comfortable using it. The problem is them, not you.

I wanted and had all new things for my first too. You're entitled to want that if you're able to afford it.

Sending clothes isn't building bridges though. It's fly tipping. She needs to start a conversation with you about the racism her family have shown you. And have that conversation with her pig of a husband. And your DH needs to fight with you not play peacemaker here

The people wittering on about accepting the clothes, and what’s good for the environment - the point is way up there ^^ sailing over your heads.

The racist brother-in-law is awful and creates all sorts of problems which will continue, what a knob. However, you do sound quite snobbish and precious, there is no 'naturally' wanting new and best for your first baby. Many, I would increasingly hope most people, don't buy into the baby industrial complex and the wastefulness associated with it (my own personal bug bear is baby towels, surely a towel is just a fucking towel). I think its a lovely think that people share these items which are used for a short time, I bought very little for my children and what I did I happily passed on.

You're massively overthinking this hon. Of course you want nice new stuff right now. In 6 months you won't give a shit. Put the box away in a cupboard, I guarantee you'll pull it out one night and thank god for it when you haven't done the washing and you need something/anything to dress them in. Good luck xx

People give you stuff you don't want when you have a baby. Just put it in the loft and say thank you. I couldn't socialise with a racist. But I would probably not stand in the way of DH having a relationship with his dsis. I hated my BIL he's an utter pig. But 20 years later they're divorced. So I'm glad I kept the relationship going with dsis.

The clothes are irrelevant really - second hand stuff may well come in handy even if it's not your preference (we bought nothing new at all). but....that's pretty extreme racism and you shouldn't be expected to pretend everything's ok. Your DH and your SIL don't seem to have accepted the issue and I think you should tell your DH that he is free to have whatever relationship he wants with his sister, but you don't feel comfortable being friends with someone who's husband is an open racist. He can send the thank you text, it's just as much his baby.
I also think that when you have a baby you become super protective and things that you might have let slide before make you very emotional or angry. You are going to have a mixed race child so hopefully your husband will stand up to his family for them more effectively than he does for you, otherwise it is going to cause you a lot of grief.

I also think you should start being much more honest about your feelings. Tell SIL you cannot be friends with her because her husband is a racist. Tell your husband the same. It seems that your feelings are more offensive to your husband than the original racism. That is all wrong.

I also think that when you have a baby you become super protective and things that you might have let slide before make you very emotional or angry. You are going to have a mixed race child so hopefully your husband will stand up to his family for them more effectively than he does for you, otherwise it is going to cause you a lot of grief

I did wonder if this was a big part of why I feel how I feel. SIL gave me some of her maternity clothes, so second hand clothes for me. I've not used any of it because her style is very different to mine but some of it was clearly old and well worn (the jumpers and blouses) and I wasn't in the least bit offended. I've just tidied them away and intend to give them to charity after we're done having children (would give away now but keeping just in case she wants them or asks about them).

SIL has also bought me gifts on birthday, Christmas, etc and she always signs the card with her and her husband's name and I have always viewed her gifts as being from just her rather than the two of them, so have always been grateful and touched despite the issues with her husband. That is why I thought I could take the same approach to the baby stuff, because that's the approach I take when she gives me something.

But I think it is because I want to protect this baby from such hatred that I don't want the baby stuff. I know the baby isn't even here yet, but I don't want the baby to have anything to do with SIL's husband. If I use this baby stuff, I'm using hand me downs bought and enjoyed by him.

I was initially unsure whether I was being a second hand snob or if my issue was who previously owned the stuff, and this thread has helped me realise it's the latter.

Op, choose your battles, say thank you, she is just trying to be helpful and to be honest with a husband so racist and nasty, how do you know she is not a victim as well?

Say thanks and put all the stuff away and... forget about it. If the only thing it takes to reduce the likelihood of further aggravation is saying thank, I think is a thank you well spent, your peace of mind is more valuable than that

I am all for second hand kids cloths (eBay - best way to get smart stuff), but if it’s knackered then no - just Chuck it out - white gone grey is grim.

So sorry you have a racist fucktard in your in law family. I doubt your SIL meant anything but to be helpful, so it would be nice to text a quick thanks - but if the bigger situation boils your blood (and no one would blame you) - tell DP you’d prefer him to do it.

I would feel the same, I wouldn’t want the stuff at all. To be honest although your SIL may be a victim of some sort, I don’t think you should have to hide why you don’t want to. It is outrageous the way you have been treated and your DH needs to show zero tolerance of it. I am very short of storage space so my wish would be for it all to go back and SIL will just have to understand, but I suppose if you didn’t want to do that and have space you could just put it away and not use it.

BIL sounds vile, absolutely vile.

Tbh, provided she isn't one of those awkward people that wants her second hand stuff back, I would just get rid of it. You go through early baby stuff really quickly and it's not the sort of time when people would notice if they never see your baby in them, the way they perhaps would with an older child. I doubt she'd ever notice.

But there is obviously a wider issue going on and you would be entirely reasonable to have no relationship with her generally.

It's fine that you don't want to use stuff that's tainted by your BIL somehow.

But as you've said, your DH loves his sister, and he clearly wants to do everything he can to maintain the relationsip. As a pp said, one day SIL might leave her awful DH, so your DH wants to be there for her. If she ever wants to leave him, she's more likely to do so if she has family support, after all.

So do what anyone would do when given some baby stuff. Say thank you, and if you don't want it, just store it away somewhere. She's not local so she won't know you're not using it.
Not acknowledging such a gesture would be a weird thing to do, let's face it. Who receives some hand-me-down baby stuff and doesn't say thank you? It's just social politeness.