AIBU to not want second hand baby stuff from SIL

[InkyHands]

NC because this could be outing. I know how precious I sound...

DH and I are expecting our first baby soon. We’ve already bought most of the things we need and last week SIL (DH’s sister) offered us a bunch of baby stuff - towels, muslins, sheets, blankets, bottle warmers, and so on. Generally speaking, I’ve not wanted anything second hand. This is our first baby and so I naturally have new parent syndrome and want everything to be the best and new. I’ve also been buying things that we can use re-use when we have a second child, so I’ve been going for good quality, popular brands, etc in the hope that if we have number 2, the items will still be in decent condition to use again.

But when DH ran by me the list of things his sister was offering, I actually thought great, these are things we will need, I can maybe keep her things at my parents so I have supplies and stuff there. So I agreed that she should send it across.

The box arrived a few days ago, and I’m not too happy with what she sent. Everything looks old and well used. The towels are rough, anything white now looks grey, and so on. I’m actually really disappointed and don’t want any of it.

What I’m not sure of is whether I’m disappointed because of the quality, or because it’s from SIL.

There is also another issue with SIL. So...her husband is a racist who has a massive issue with me. I’m an ethnic minority and from a different religion whilst my DH, his family and SIL’s husband are all white. After DH and I got engaged, SIL’s husband made it clear he’s against our relationship, boycotted the wedding, stopped DH from having any relationship with his nephew and wants nothing to do with us. TBH, after all that he said and did, we want nothing to do with him either so it’s just about bearable as we don’t live anywhere near each other.

But naturally, I can’t stand the guy and because of all that, SIL and I are not close and don’t speak that often. She has tried to build a relationship but I’m just not interested. It genuinely hurts me that she has never once acknowledged to me that her husband is a shit and the way he has behaved is not ok. Part of me actually wonders if she agrees to some extent, which has enabled him to be so open about his views but that’s a whole other post!

So when this massive box of baby stuff arrived and we opened it, I was gutted by what was inside. I genuinely don’t know if I was put off by the quality of the stuff, but as I kept looking through it I was thinking this is stuff SIL’s husband has bought and used, I don’t want it.

DH would like me to message his sister to tell her how grateful we are. He is really keen for me to build a relationship with her, and he admitted that him asking me to message her is intended to make her feel good so she doesn’t think we don’t want any of her stuff because of her husband. Except that is how I feel - I don’t see why I should make her feel better when she’s not done anything to make me feel better.

But equally, maybe I’m using her husband as an excuse for not wanting second hand stuff for baby and being a bit of a snob. I genuinely don’t know! DH could tell I wasn’t excited by any of the things she sent but I’ve not expressly told him I don’t want it. To be honest my plan is to just never use it...

AIBU for not wanting it and never intending to use any of it? And to not tell DH or anyone that’s what I’m planning to do...

Tell your husband the stuff isn’t useable for your baby.

Then decide together what you want to do with it, keep it or return it. Whatever you do don’t throw it out as she may want the box of stuff back in future and you’ll end up owing her for whatever she claims the value of all the stuff is.

I wouldn’t speak to SIL, if her husband feels able to express his racist views so strongly in front of the family the family are likely sympathetic and privately agree with the views.

My DH is white and his family of a different faith from me. But they’d never express racist views to me. Because they know full well it would be the end of any kind of relationship with DH and they’d never see our DC again.

I think you need to speak to your H how his family has made you feel and point out that racism isn’t something you can sweep under the carpet especially since they aren’t even bothering to hide it. He does realise the contempt shown you will extend to your DC right because your baby will be mixed race.

Having trouble with the number of people who are OK with the SIL racism enabling, and think op owes anything to the SIL to be honest.

I’m surprised you speak to her at all given her husband’s racist attitude. She either enables it or agrees with it. Your husband can contact her if he wants, you shouldn’t ever feel you have to

@Greenbks

I’m sorry your BIL is a racist. I too am an ethnic minority married to a white person who has admittedly said parts of his family are racist.

I put down YABU bcos I don’t see how the two subjects are connected. Your SIL sent you a box of baby clothes, you said yourself she has tried to build a relationship but you are not interested. the gracious thing to do would say thank you, it doesn’t have to be a gushing text, and no one is asking you to communicate with BIL- you’re not having to thank the BIL. And I of course understand the reasons why you wouldn’t want to.

I have it reverse in my husbands family- I have a perfectly fine relationship with the non racist partner bcos they are fine with me (atleast to my face) and keep engagement to a minimum with the other partner.

On my side of the family my dad is the one who has never spoken to my husband but my mum loves & talks to my husband. She can’t change my dad and has accepted he is the way he is but that she will have a relationship with who she wants.

My husband and I don’t penalise or punish people who are associated to racist ppl bcos it’s not as black and white as that, and since you seem to be doing that (apologies if I have got this wrong- it’s what I got from your post but understand it’s a very small snippet into your world) are doing that with your SIL to be completely honest makes me a little sad especially as she does try to make an effort. You don’t need to be best buds with her and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or a snob (your words!) in not wanting to use the second hand baby stuff but a thanks costs nothing.

Agree with every point made here x

OP you have a DH problem and need to have a talk with him.

Tell him that as his sister is married to a racist and as she will not bring her son around to see either of you but particularly him, that you do not want anything to do with her and her husband. Tell him he is welcome to thank his sister for the baby items himself as he her brother and the baby is his as well. If he wants to maintain his relationship with her you won't stand in the way.

There are racists on my DP's side of the family and I have nothing to do with them. My DP respects me enough not to try to force me to have any relationship with them and has extremely little to do with them himself. Though in his case they don't try to communicate with him unless it's to blame him for not contacting them on their terms.

Oh and what you and I are dealing with is more common than you realise in mixed ethnicity relationships. I have friends who also have no interaction with some/all of their spouses/partners family due to their racist comments and actions. Some of their children interact with these relations and like all non-white children are clued up on racism from a young age anyway.

@ladygindiva

Having trouble with the number of people who are OK with the SIL racism enabling, and think op owes anything to the SIL to be honest.

I’m not, racism isn’t pretty excepted around here read if you read the threads.

There’s always outrage if you call out racism though. The racists hate being called racist.

is accepted

Your DH could message her and say thanks, I don’t know why you should have to do it. If you don’t want to use the stuff then put it in the loft or at the back of a cupboard and don’t use it. I can’t believe she puts up with such a vile DH though, how can anyone tolerate that kind of behaviour. Just have as little to do with them as you possibly can.

Make a statement and chuck it all in the trash. I would, and I wouldn't care what anyone thought about it.

Being a racist is obviously never OK.

But...you do sound a bit precious. Second hand stuff is an amazing way to save money when you have a baby (and as they grow up). We were so thankful for the 2nd hand stuff we were given, and honestly there is so much stuff they use for a short time and then it's just shoved in a cuobaord.

Just tell her thanks, put it away and forget about it.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Make a statement and chuck it all in the trash. I would, and I wouldn't care what anyone thought about it.

That's incredibly wasteful. Why would you not offer it on free cycle or similar, someone else could use it, someone who doesn't have the negative association of the stuff with the person?

@MuddleMoo
Yes I agree with this - your OH can thank them if he really wants. It's cruel to expect you to do it.
It wasn't cruel for her to accept the offer in the first place, but it's cruel to acknowledge the arrival of it!
How ridiculous.
If she had such a moral issue, then she should have refused from the outset.
She sounds entitled with the whole, all new etc. She opted to accept the gift. Now stop being so entitled and downright rude and acknowledge the gift. Whether any good or not is irrelevant! Basic decency, manners and etiquette.
This whole racist stuff is only relevant if she hadn't accepted the offer in the first place!

I’ve been given loads of second hand stuff over the years so I completely get where you are coming from. I normally just accept it and then providing they never want it back, keep a few bits either donate to the charity or put it in the bin.

We once got given a coat from a 3 year old that was all tatty and not even washed. It was covered in mud so I just threw it away

[quote BusyLizzie61]@MuddleMoo
Yes I agree with this - your OH can thank them if he really wants. It's cruel to expect you to do it.
It wasn't cruel for her to accept the offer in the first place, but it's cruel to acknowledge the arrival of it!
How ridiculous.
If she had such a moral issue, then she should have refused from the outset.
She sounds entitled with the whole, all new etc. She opted to accept the gift. Now stop being so entitled and downright rude and acknowledge the gift. Whether any good or not is irrelevant! Basic decency, manners and etiquette.
This whole racist stuff is only relevant if she hadn't accepted the offer in the first place![/quote]
OP agreed to her OH accepting it. This wasn't on condition that she would then have to write a thank you message. He can do this, I'm not sure why he is trying to make OP thank his sister and push the realtionship when he is perfectly capable.

I agree OP shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place though.

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Why do you have to be trotted out to send the ‘thank you’ text?

Why can’t your DH just send it? She his sister. It will be his baby. It’s his relationship to maintain, not yours.

Why do you - the person on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour - have to be the one to send it?

That’s absolutely not OK.

This. It’s not your job to normalise any of this

I think shes offering an olive branch. Her much loved baby things have been passed onto you and that shows she likes you / wants to build a relationship with you. It'll make things a lot worse to snub this gift.
You don't have to use them, unless your DH objects. Baby is his child too and if he does object to you alienating his family it could end in divorce.
Racism is never ok but are you sure its racism, and not a clash of personalities regardless of skin colour. Eg elitist snobs who turn their noses up at peoples ways of life?

Just say thanks and never use it. Or use it for when you’re doing messy play so basically like an apron.

Yanbu for not wanting to use a racists hand me downs. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It's fine not to use the stuff and whilst her H is absolutely vile it seems that your SIL is reaching out.
So whilst I wouldn't have anything to do with her H at all a simple text message to say thank you to your SIL might be a good thing. The fact that your husband is conscious of it means that his sister knows full well that her H behaviour and views are intolerable and not acceptable. But she probably has a hard time admitting that to anyone because she then has to face what type of man she has married.

Your husband has also missed out on a relationship with his nephew and you might find his sister now is thinking the same will get reciprocated.

I think you potentially have a lot of power with a simple thank you text!

I agree with others who have said it's your husbands job to thank his sister.

The baby stuff is a red herring. Stick it back in the box and either bin it, donate it or shove it in the loft. Then, because you’re a decent and bigger person, thank her for the gesture in a message.

However, your SIL’s husband is a racist cunt and your husband needs to tackle that or you need to entirely cut them out or both. Do not subject you or your baby to that horrific attitude.

You’re very PFB about your baby, and that’s probably normal, but don’t get fixated on newness and brands and cost, when it comes to it, that really doesn’t matter.

Ok on point one, I agree with others, your wimpy husband should thank his sister.

Ever heard the phrase 'it's the thought that counts"?
DH says thank you, you put the stuff away and either return it or pass it on, depending on your arrangement, when it's feasible that you're done with it.
You will probably find yourself using something out of it at some point but it doesn't matter if you don't.

Sorry should have been clear it's the thought on the part of the SIL that counts. Sounds like the BIL doesn't have a decent bone in his body, possibly the SIL is painfully aware of this.

But agree with PP the BIL is a different issue entirely and I hope you find a resolution to it that means you aren't subjected to such behaviour again.

He's a racist pos and she's an enabler. Silence is violence and she is complicit. You owe them nothing. Don't text her.