Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

292 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 15:35

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 13/03/2021 09:50

@cadburyegg

Have you come back and said what you plan to do?

You’ve said it’s your mum that thinks you should continue slaving in the kitchen and waiting on the in laws (and her) every year-but what do you think your DH and his parents think?

iwannafurloughmydp · 13/03/2021 10:04

@cadburyegg

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

Tell your mum to fuck off

There is a reason you are divorcing and it is obvious that it includes your in laws.

Don’t be a people’s pleaser.
Of course you should not invite them for any occasion !

Be happy !

JonSnowIsALoser · 13/03/2021 10:26

Tell your mum it would be even better for the children to see their dad hosting a big family gathering - it teaches them what healthy relationships and fair division of labour are all about.

JonSnowIsALoser · 13/03/2021 10:28

... He can host together with his parents if lack of space is an issue at his place.

JonSnowIsALoser · 13/03/2021 10:29

But most of all enjoy your newly single life. It rocks, speaking from experience FlowersWine

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/03/2021 10:32

So your mum will be expecting your exh to host her for all these occasions aswell, yes?

girlywhirly · 13/03/2021 12:02

OP, do you like doing the full traditional meal? If not, this year might be the perfect time to pare it back to something more manageable and quicker for yourself and the DC. If you are inviting just your DM, you can let her know in advance that this is what you will be making, and if she isn’t happy with that she is welcome to host at her home with all the preparation and cooking it entails. I think her reaction will tell you whether she’s taking advantage.

iwannafurloughmydp · 13/03/2021 13:36

@JonSnowIsALoser

But most of all enjoy your newly single life. It rocks, speaking from experience FlowersWine
Hahaha love your name !

Exactly ! I was single mother with 24 years old and I loved every moment of it.
Enjoy, kick them all family members bum off and enjoy your new life !
Make sure the ex pay for it.
Don’t let anyone dictate your life from now on, specially the ex for visitations and trips... you are the boss !! If not under your rules, it won’t happen :)

Localocal · 13/03/2021 17:59

We did Christmas with the ex when the kids were little. It was nice for them. But you must inform your ex that he has to help with the meal.

Nettie1964 · 15/03/2021 10:16

You sound like you don't want to do it. So don't. Make a plan that works for you. Time for your big girl pants😁

Newestname001 · 15/03/2021 12:12

@Justmuddlingalong

Maybe your DM can host and cook for you all this Christmas? ExILs and all. Tell her you'll bring dessert.
This ^^ sounds a great suggestion! I'm sure that would also be great for the children. 🌹
Original poster
cadburyegg · 06/10/2021 16:31

Shamelessly dragging up this thread again because it's been playing on my mind a lot.

H has a new job which means he may well just get Christmas Day off (although he also has the 23 Dec off as holiday and we are doing a Santa visit with the kids that day). My dad died at the end of March and I refuse to let my mum spend the day alone (I am my mum's only child). It seems unfair to have just my mum and H over without the in laws, I refuse to cater for everyone again. I'm sure in laws will complain about not seeing the children Christmas Day too.

I honestly don't know what to do and it's making me feel a bit ill.

Suggestions as to what to do?

OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 06/10/2021 16:42

Have your mum and ex over in the morning so they can see the kids open their presents and do an Xmas brunch.

Then off ex can fuck to his parents/his house where he can put Xmas turkey together with all the trimmings for them, while you stay home with your mum and do a traditional/ non-traditional dinner / whatever you fancy.

You'll need to work out whether the kids stay with you or go with him. Or stay with you for a bit and join him later but think about every Xmas you are going to have going forward.

If you don't host the in-laws this year, they will never automatically expect you to again.

If you host them this year, you get a crappy Xmas AND they'll expect you to host again in 2022 so you've still got the same problem but in a different year.

FangsForTheMemory · 06/10/2021 16:53

Say you're booking a restaurant, everyone pays their own way, who wants to come.

WellLarDeDar · 06/10/2021 17:00

Just tell them outright you don't feel comfortable hosting exH family. Sometimes just being blunt and honest is the best way. Say to exH 'what do you want to do about Christmas this year as I don't feel comfortable hosting your family'. Maybe has the kids Christmas Eve and you have them Christmas day?

Allfednonedead · 06/10/2021 17:03

Surely the whole point of getting divorced is that your no longer married to him. That means they aren't your in-laws any more and you absolutely don't have to accommodate them.

If your ex wants to see his children and his parents on Xmas day, that's grand. He can come to yours for present opening, then to theirs for dinner or whatever.

But don't try and pretend everything is fine and normal by including him for Xmas dinner, and DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER skivvying for his in-laws.

There is no god-given right for grandparents to see their grandchildren at Christmas. I was very close to all four of my grandparents, but didnt ever see them at Christmas until I was grown-up and my American granny spent Christmas with us.

Why would you inflict that on yourself?

ChaosMoon · 06/10/2021 17:03

Forget what should happen. What would you like to happen?

The above suggestions are good.
You could invite them for a couple of house after you've finished Christmas dinner, being very specific about times.
You could offer for them to join you for a Christmas morning walk.

I'm sure there are loads of other ideas too, but what would you actually like?

When you work that, you can email them saying something along the lines of: "of course things will be different this Christmas but I'm sure you'd still like to see the kids. Your be welcome to join us for [very specific thing] if you like."

ChaosMoon · 06/10/2021 17:04

And if you don't want to see any of them, that's fine too.

DappyApple · 06/10/2021 17:06

Tell ex and in-laws you are not hosting dinner this year. Perhaps they can come over in the morning to watch dcs open presents for an hour or two and then leave. You then have dinner with your mum.

Last year was different as you had only just split, everyone was trying to adapt, but if you don’t set boundaries this year it will continue with your resentment growing.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 06/10/2021 17:06

Have your mum over for dinner with you & the kids. H can then come over after dinner, pick up the kids & take them to his parents for the afternoon & tea. No need for you to host him or his parents.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/10/2021 17:06

Have your ex over in the morning to see the kids opening their presents etc and then let him go to his parents and you have Christmas dinner with your mother and kids

Jangle33 · 06/10/2021 17:09

Just tell them what you are/aren’t prepared to do. Isn’t that the point if being divorced.

Teacupsandtoast · 06/10/2021 17:12

Ex can come round and see the kids open their presents, take them to his folks for a little while, return them to you then he can have dinner at his folks. You dont need to host anyone but your mum! In fact, he can just come round then go to his folks - they can see the kids another day

Howshouldibehave · 06/10/2021 17:13

seems unfair to have just my mum and H over without the in laws

Bizarre sense of fairness here?! If you’re not very careful you’ll end up in the kitchen all Christmas because you don’t want to be ‘unfair’ to anyone.

Have your mum over all Xmas day (or you go to hers) with the kids and you and your mum can cook together.

Then the kids can go to their dad/in laws on Boxing Day and do Christmas 2 there without you. You can go shopping/put your feet up/sleep.

You’re mad if you end up having them all round yours just as if you’ve never split up.

andweallsingalong · 06/10/2021 17:15

Agree with the rest don't host H he can eat with his parents. Up to you if you want him over for present opening or don't have him over at all and split the day so you both have time with the kids.