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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

292 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 15:35

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

OP posts:
VintageStitchers · 12/03/2021 08:41

What about when your ex meets someone new or you have a new partner? Will the partner’s parents be invited too?

You’re separated so you no longer need to facilitate any relationship for your children with the in-laws, that’s entirely your ex’s responsibility.

The fact that they treated you like the hired help would mean I’d definitely not be inviting them to any family events ever again.

anon666 · 12/03/2021 17:38

I'm so thrilled that there is a 99% endorsement of you not being pressured into this.

Smile
Elle2018 · 12/03/2021 17:40

@BlingLoving

hahaha. I love this. Of course you are not being unreasonable to say no. Of course, there is the downside that you will most likely have to share christmas and other holidays with your ex so he will have them one year and you the next, and you might not be willing to do that. But, assuming you can make it work, I absolutely agree that there is no reason for you to be hosting big family events for your in laws any more if you don't want to.
Exactly this. I did this with my ex for a while after we separated to make sure the kids knew they weren’t going to have to choose between us but ultimately you need to move forward in a sustainable way and continuing to host your ex in laws and ex husband will not / cannot last. Yes the Christmas’s I don’t have the kids is pretty rubbish for me but the kids still have a great day so that’s all that matters.
Gilld69 · 12/03/2021 17:46

id invite them round to see them on their birthdays but maybe not at xmas, if you move on to a new relationship or ex does then that would become uncomfortable obvs, but only you csn decide how youll manage future celebrations , but as ling as kids keep a good relationship with their Gps thats all that matters

Flatoutonsofa · 12/03/2021 17:46

What an odd suggestion! I can only imagine that one of the plus sides of separation/divorce is not seeing exPILs that you aren't fond of. It's your husband's responsibility to maintain a relationship between the children and his parents. Sounds like your DM doesn't want to accept the new situation.

Tiredwiththeshits · 12/03/2021 17:55

I would celebrate at home with your ex husband with however works for you. Then if the in-laws want a party just say that would be lovely, kids can go to dads and have a get together, or offer to meet for a picnic they bring their own and you all sit together to celebrate? Or do something where you go out for a meal?
Makes sense last thing you need is to be waiting on them hand and foot. Or a huge bowl of pasta and garlic breads! And a birthday cake. I wouldn’t do 3 course craziness. Children will realise they get to see them and celebrate but you need to be involved too. Hope all goes well.

Tistheseason17 · 12/03/2021 17:58

YANBU
Just say, no.

CowCuddler · 12/03/2021 17:59

One of the many perks of separations imo!

Do Christmas (and everything else for that matter) by YOUR OWN rules from now on. Starting now.

LipstickLou · 12/03/2021 18:01

Good God no. The game has changed. If you would like to see your in law's that is great but this coming Christmas is team mum. I would say after all the upheavel of the last year I would like to host myself for the children and me. Invite them if you wish but do a safari meal. (I do the turkey, you bring the sides and pudding). I am on strike this Sunday, I recommend.

Idontknowhowtodothis · 12/03/2021 18:05

Sod that.
Birthdays... if the Ex is involved, then yes, maybe... if they were involved anyway.
But Christmas, hell no. Tell your mum she can host them!

dementedmummy · 12/03/2021 18:06

Unconventional view here.
Husband and i split 4 years ago and because i dont feel i should be penalised for missing out on time with my children because he chose to enage in unacceptable behaviour which caused the split and im paying for everything, i have the kids every birthday, Christmas and big event. Their father gets invited as do my ex in laws and my parents. I host his family Christmas morning for breakfast and mine for dinner (in non covid19 times!). We go out for dinner for celebrations with both sides of the family involved. This works because neither DH or i are seeing anyone nor have done since we split and we feel it works for us and our kids. We also are now on very good terms so there is no animosity. The difference between my situation and yours is i love to host and liked my inlaws before the split. If i didn't like to host, this would not be happening. I would like to think i would be gracious enough to invite the other half if dh had a girlfriend but honestly i dont know that i could cope with all the questions from all and sundry about why i was doing it and the disapproving looks from my parents (the answer to which would be ive moved on as has dh and everyone else should do too instead of interfering in a marriage which ran its course!)

Kitdeluca1 · 12/03/2021 18:09

Unpopular opinion but I do sort of agree with her, it is nice for your kids to have everyone round all together. The alternative would maybe be ex has his parents at his house and that also means spilling the children’s Christmas in turn you and ex lose time with them. I’d probably suck it up fir the kids!
When I was 16/17 I had a boyfriend with that set up his dad was always round I thought it was strange at the time but now I’m a mother I see that it was just so they both got the big days with their kids and it was no you have morning I have afternoon type of thing.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 12/03/2021 18:13

The children will get used to a new normal. Definitely do not put your own happiness and chance to enjoy special occasions with your children to one side, just to suit any of these people.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/03/2021 18:19

But what about @cadburyegg‘s Christmas, @Kitdeluca1? Why should she spend every Christmas running round, waiting on her lazy arse ex, his lazy arse parents, and her lazy arse mother? Why should she ‘just suck it up’?

oil0W0lio · 12/03/2021 18:34

She said it would be "better for the children"
sounds like a threat, 'do as I say or the kids will get it'
laugh at her and tell her she can do it if she loves it so much

SSCCLL · 12/03/2021 18:42

Absolutely fucking not. Enjoy your Xmas and birthdays from now on!

CharityDingle · 12/03/2021 18:45

It's your decision, not your mother's. It's an ideal time also whatever you decide, to put an end to the doing of all the work. There can sometimes be an element of martyrdom when it comes to Christmas hosting.

Not saying that applies to you, I hasten to add.
Next Christmas, let everything be different, in a positive way.

Bibidy · 12/03/2021 18:46

I think it makes way more sense to just alternate Christmas and have separate celebrations, not just because it will be better for you but also because realistically it will need to happen at some point when you or your ex get new partners.

Better that you start the new way now when there's no one else about to get 'blamed' for it.

tryingtosleep · 12/03/2021 18:47

@WombatWomb

Why can't your ex do the hosting and invite both sets of parents.
Just that
Bibidy · 12/03/2021 18:48

@Tiredwiththeshits

I would celebrate at home with your ex husband with however works for you. Then if the in-laws want a party just say that would be lovely, kids can go to dads and have a get together, or offer to meet for a picnic they bring their own and you all sit together to celebrate? Or do something where you go out for a meal? Makes sense last thing you need is to be waiting on them hand and foot. Or a huge bowl of pasta and garlic breads! And a birthday cake. I wouldn’t do 3 course craziness. Children will realise they get to see them and celebrate but you need to be involved too. Hope all goes well.
I wouldn't even say OP needs to celebrate with her ex-husband tbh!

She should celebrate with her family and he can celebrate with his, on whichever day they have the children. OP & fam could have Christmas Day one year, ex & fam have Boxing Day, then vice versa the next year. This is what my DP does with his ex and it's totally fine - the children get 2 Christmases and to see both sides of the family, and there is no awkwardness for anyone.

PamDemic · 12/03/2021 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/03/2021 18:55

@MyLittleOrangutan

No way! You will have to alternate Christmas, as is only fair, but no you are not obligated to continue to be taken advantage of by a family that you divorced.

It wouldn't be better for the children to be in a tense environment where people are taking advantage of their mum and she resents it but won't stand up for herself.

By all means alternate Christmas - but make sure it isn't your DM one year, and your ex-s parents the next.

Make it he and your DM come to you one year (if you want them too), and you go to your ex's with his parents the next (and you don't stir your *rse even to get a sherry!)

Chickychickydodah · 12/03/2021 19:02

Your ex can do it now. You don’t have to have them round anymore.

billybagpuss · 12/03/2021 19:02

Hell no, and if that’s your mums attitude go and spend Christmas on a beach in Barbados.

anamazingfind · 12/03/2021 19:03

This must be a universal ...Fuck that!