To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

It's not unfair at all. Stop thinking like this. Just have your mum over. If anyone asks why, explain that she's on her own. If anyone suggests coming too say, " no thanks, I don't fancy hosting loads of guests. It's a quiet one for us." Stop thinking of others and feeling guilty, it will serve you no purpose. The ex in laws and ex husband could invite the little ones over on boxing day and spend time with them that way. They don't need to be in your house and be a part of your Christmas day. That's just weird.

Just ask your mum over!! It's simple. Then your ex can see the kids on the 23rd and he can take the dc to see his parents in between Xmas and new year, the next time he sees them.

Nobody should expect you to host your ex in-laws!! Nobody.

Simple, you either share Christmas day with your Ex H and sort of do half each, eg Christmas eve to lunchtime xmas day then xmas day to Boxing day and so on and alternate each year. Or you continue to host him when the kids are small. I'd go for the alternate years option, I think. Then my Mum & I could have a quiet Christmas for part of it and look forward to when the kids are back. Either way refuse to host EX il'S It's not your issue. I'd probably with the kids too, change traditions slightly so you're not stuck in the kitchen and have a buffet or something really easy and simple!

However, if your mum keeps saying things like…My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together

I wouldn’t invite her either.

It is not your job to facilitate your inlaws relationship with your DC'S. That is entirely on your ex H. Invite your mum, agree with ex H how and when he will see the DC'S and leave any other arrangements to him and his parents. As far as the inlaws are concerned, not your circus, not your monkeys. Ditch the guilt and have a lovely Christmas.

This is the main perk of getting rid of the knob! No more in laws to cater for.

Go out for dinner instead?

Why can't the in-laws or your mum host lunch, and you all just have the meal together?

Could you not just explain to them that you don't want to end up doing all the work? Would you be happy to host them if they all chipped in, or don't you want to host at all?

I've catered for my large family before and got them all bringing dishes - so one brings the veg, one sorts the roasties/pigs in blankets, one makes dessert, I've even had one doing the turkey before now.

Another option is just have your mum for dinner and have the ex/in laws round in the morning or in the late afternoon/evening?

Sounds like my mum was. She had 'internalised misogyny' stamped on her forehead.

No. Thank. You.

Unfair? Lady, you are STILL shouldering all the emotional labour of a relationship that is over.

If DH has Christmas Day off then you have them Christmas Eve, Boxing Day

Next year swap that round or, if you are still feeling generous and his shifts don't fit, do whatever gives the kids most time with both parents.

Or do half days.

ANYTHING but change it up, stop doing what you have been doing. Do what YOU want!

My suggestion:

1. Go to a restaurant
2. Go scandanavian and have your mum over on xmas eve where you cook. Invite xh and ex pil round xmas day and serve turkey sandwiches. Minimum time in the kitchen on xmas day and very little washing up. Plus youll get through a lot of the turkey meat.

Just have your Mum.

Your ex can go to his family.

Maybe invite him over in the morning to see DC.

Of course next year he may well want the kids at his parents, with him.

As is usual when parents have split.

OP, there is no way you should be hosting everyone. Perhaps frame it as it being time for ex-DH and in-laws to start creating their own new traditions now that the family dynamic has changed.

Can I also suggest that you have a look at some counselling post-divorce? This pattern of being taken advantage of is still repeating in your life despite the relationship ending. It may be a good idea to address this before it has a chance to repeat in any new relationships

My suggestion would be have your main Christmas meal in the evening on Christmas Eve you could invite your DM and she could stay overnight. Tell H and ILS that they can call in Christmas Day whenever it suits them but there will be no big meal. Buy a load of party food, a Christmas cake and some snacks the DC like then everyone can graze on them throughout the day, all you need to do is open the packets and warm things up. If Christmas Eve doesn't work for you then switch the main Christmas meal to Boxing Day.

Don't host H and PIL. Invite them round for present opening in the morning if you're feeling generous but make it clear that no Christmas dinner will be forthcoming.

You can get Christmas dinner boxes delivered that you can just pop in the oven. I'm very tempted to do that this year so I can just play with my DC for most of the day rather than cooking.

After exH left, I made a conscious decision not to buy gifts from the DC for the in-laws, not for Easter or Xmas or birthdays or anything (The DC were very young), or organise meeting up.

That was for ExH to sort out. All of it. It was such a relief to be out of their time-consuming and expensive 'gift loop' and 'get together' loop when I was trying to come to terms with rather unexpectedly becoming a single parent.

Fuck that shit.

Also as this is the first Christmas without your dad I’m assuming that this might be quite difficult for both you and your mum.

Please don’t feel guilty for not hosting ex and his parents.💐

I do agree with everyone above but I just want to add a word of caution. It is not a given that you have your children every Christmas Day. Many divorced couples take it in turns. If you don’t want to end up in a situation where your ex has the children every other year, you may need to change things gently rather than be too drastic. Lots of good compromises suggested above.

Thinking a bit more it does complicate things if you do invite exH as then PIL's are excluded rather than him having part of Xmas with them and the kids and you having part of Christmas with your mum and the kids

Your Ex can host his parents for his own Christmas celebration on a different day.

You celebrate with your family on your day, Christmas day this year.

Too bad if they don't like it. Not your problem.

You aren't having your mum and ex over. You are thinking about this wrongly. Try and think of it as : You are having your mum over. You are graciously coparenting with your ex. If you weren't, you wouldn't invite him, would you? You don't coparent with PIL.

Your mum comes to you
Your ex comes round Christmas morning to see the kids open presents, stays till 12 then go’s to his parents

His parents can see them boxing day with your ex

@Howshouldibehave

seems unfair to have just my mum and H over without the in laws

Bizarre sense of fairness here?! If you’re not very careful you’ll end up in the kitchen all Christmas because you don’t want to be ‘unfair’ to anyone.

Have your mum over all Xmas day (or you go to hers) with the kids and you and your mum can cook together.

Then the kids can go to their dad/in laws on Boxing Day and do Christmas 2 there without you. You can go shopping/put your feet up/sleep.

You’re mad if you end up having them all round yours just as if you’ve never split up.

Yep all of this. Sorry about your dad.

Yanbu but only because I loathed Xmas with my in-laws. Mil was a terrible cook,DH and bil sat on their arses and were treated like kings while I had to help pay table,load dishwasher and serve them pudding! Then they and fil would retire to another room to get pissed and I was left to listen to mil bitch about her pals/neighbours/immigrants. When I put my foot down and said no more they never spoke to me again.
Have a lovely Xmas the way you want to do it.