To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

That's one of the hidden joys of divorce, that you no longer have to pander to the EX in laws.

Any interaction between the ILs and the children should take place during HIS time, and with him making the arrangements. You need never see them again unless you want to.

No, you shouldn’t need to host Christmas.

For birthday parties, if you invite lots of people, then it may be a nice gesture, if ex is also attending.

FcuK that . . .get a new virile young lover and while your family enjoy their kids/grandkids at every opportunity it'll release you to get on with your new life. . Don't let them tell you any different 😂

Absolutely not, I was with my ex-husband for 18 years before we split up and as much as I love my in-laws, I never hosted them for Christmas etc. My sons were teens by then, but my daughter was only a year old. We switched each year, one year I would have her Christmas day and he would have her Boxing Day, then the following year we would switch round. Don't let anyone force you into doing something you don't want, and shouldn't have to do!

Um. It's March. Why are you stressing about Christmas? Tell them to do it themselves.

@cadburyegg

Wow thanks for all the responses

Not to drip feed but a major reason behind the split was me being taken for granted, treated like a little housewife etc. So this suggestion takes the biscuit tbh! Ex and I get on well but that doesn’t mean I want to be hosting everything still. He has moved into a small 1 bedroom flat with no physical space to host more than about 4 people so I understand why he wouldn’t invite a lot of people round to him but there’s no reason why in laws can’t host them.

His housing situation going forward is not your problem. If your DM or PIL think that everyone should be entertained together, then they should be hosting....

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

Exactly what I said!!!

Absolutely no fucking way would I be doing that, completely understand why you did last year op with covid restrictions etc but no chance in hell would I allow it to continue

For birthdays etc he can take them separately to see his parents unless you have a big party outside of the family home (soft plays, community centre etc in which case id invite) but otherwise no way!

Isnt it obvious that if the MIL wants this then she hosts and invites everybody so she does all the work.
Or maybe they were just thinking of an easy freebie every year??

Isnt it obvious that if the MIL wants this then she hosts and invites everybody so she does all the work

The OP hasn’t said it’s the MIL that wants this, has she?!

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

Couldn't have put it better myself.

That 1% must be your in laws and your Mum. No way you host any more, your ex can throw them a party on his visits

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

^^^

Your mother is wrong

I get on really well with my ex in laws but don’t host them when my DDs with me for Christmas but I do invite them to DDs birthday parties and meet up with them weekly (pre Covid) however you should in no way feel obliged.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius just my opinion, if it meant spending the day with my kids I’d do it!

Are your in-laws on here? Who could the 2% be that think YABU?

Do you realise your ex is likely to get the children ever other year. Maybe he can invite you to his house next year if he has the children.

Husband should host and you and children can visit, you if you want too, but i understand and expect them to want to see the children Christmas day as previous.

This is brand new territory for you and you husband. I guess you need to decide on what works for your family? Would you rather be alone on Christmas when your ex husband and children are having Christmas Day together or would you rather enjoy the day together as one family but now don’t have to have the pressure of the perfect day! so split the workload....your parents desert, his parents the starter, you the meat, ex husband the condiments.

Kitdeluca1 the OP has said she doesnt spend the time with her kids, everyone else has fun, sitting around playing with the kids while OP is in the kitchen..

While they are still your children's grandparents, they are no longer your relatives, and you have no obligation to host them whatsoever. There are a few things you can do going forward. Invite your ex (IF YOU WANT TO), but not his parents. Do make the children available for a visit with them during the holiday season, though. Don't invite the ex, but set up a day for the children to spend with him and his parents. Or, continue to host both the ex and the paternal grandparents, but make this a "pot-luck" type thing. Tell them way ahead that you will be making the main, bread and one side dish, and that they need to bring "X" dish to the feast. Tell your mum the same thing to make it totally fair. ALSO, let them know that you will be assigning cleanup tasks...or do it ahead of time. LOL, send out a chore-list to everyone, along with dishes to bring, and tell them that if they do not reply by a specific date, you will assume that they will not be attending, and prepare a full meal for yourself and your children, but it will not cover extras for company.

Everyone involved will, at this point, yell, scream, gnash their teeth, and generally act as if you stomped a small, furry animal to death in front of them. Hang tight, stick to your guns. They will either fall in line or they will stay home. Should they agree and then (a) fail to produce, or (b) produce, but with a horrid attitude, let them know that this was the last Christmas gathering at your home.

Let him bloody host and slave in the kitchen over his family as you’ve done more than bloody enough.

As blacktothepink said
And agree with Mamanyt

He should now be hosting these things with his family when he sees the kids. Maybe when there are major events, milestone birthdays then a party altogether makes sense but make sure it's in a hall somewhere and he goes half.