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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
FullofCurryandparatha · 12/03/2021 20:04

What I’m saying is, knowing what I do about being a step-mum...you absolutely DESERVE a present

But you don't know that. Some step mums are great and deserve presents. Some are absolutely awful and deserve a slap in the face with a wet fish.
It's as odd to assume a SM is a paragon of virtue as it is to assume she is a wicked witch. She could be either or anywhere in between.

SemperIdem · 12/03/2021 20:05

I have a step dad, has been in my life for 20 years. I’ve given him “dad” cards for all events for years now. I was an adult when I decided to do that. We’re close, he’s just as much a parent as my biological two, in my eyes.

However I appreciate not everyone’s experience is the same.

My daughter now has a step dad and a step mum. My partner is very actively involved in her life, he loves her and she him. He does get step dad cards. Her step mother is fine, doesn’t show much interest in her but isn’t unkind. If her father chooses to recognise her on Mother’s Day that’s up to him, I’m not bothered.

Worthless90s · 12/03/2021 20:06

I always get my stepmum a card and a present because honestly I don’t think I’d be the woman I am today if she hadn’t been in my life and helped raise me.

I love her so much and I think she is the best thing that has ever happened to my dad and my family, she fixed his broken heart and kept him very present in our life. She is less than 10 years older than me but she came into my life when I was little. She is a wonderful role model and I strive to be as kind natured and loving as her. Smile

jentinquarantino20 · 12/03/2021 20:07

I would have thought a bunch of flowers and a thank you card isn’t unreasonable

FullofCurryandparatha · 12/03/2021 20:08

I would have thought a bunch of flowers and a thank you card isn’t unreasonable

Or it might be. You don't know. do you?

shelllouise · 12/03/2021 20:10

My son has a step-mum and we buy her a card and gift every year. We used to get one that said, You're like a mum to me. Now we just get a mum one.
She's like a mum to my other 2 children as well. They've been going to stay with her and my son's dad on weekends and in the holidays for years, whenever my son went to stay. The card is written by all of them.
I have 6 step-children myself. Some of them buy me gifts, all of them wish me a happy mother's day.
It's lovely of them and I appreciate it so much, especially as their mum has died so the day is hard for them all.

Archie2011 · 12/03/2021 20:11

We send flower off the children to my husbands step mum as they’re her grandchildren too x

Bobbi73 · 12/03/2021 20:14

I think it depends. My friends birth dad was a terrible father. Really bad. Her step dad was a wonderful kind man and she always bought him fathers day card as age said he was her dad in all the ways that count. If their mum is still in the picture, I think it's unlikely you'll get a card. Do they treat you on your birthday etc.?

Frankola · 12/03/2021 20:14

I'm a step mum and have been for 12 years.

After about 3 years I started to get mother's day cards and gifts. My SD did this off her own back, I never mentioned it for the same reasons many say here.

I think its down to each family. If your SKs want to get you something I don't see why not. But it should be their choice and not expected.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 12/03/2021 20:18

Surely it should be

Younger children - Dad buys a card and present for SM.

Older children - Decide for themselves what they feel comfortable with.

If a child decides they would rather not then the step-parent should accept that.

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2021 20:20

@FullofCurryandparatha

What I’m saying is, knowing what I do about being a step-mum...you absolutely DESERVE a present

But you don't know that. Some step mums are great and deserve presents. Some are absolutely awful and deserve a slap in the face with a wet fish.
It's as odd to assume a SM is a paragon of virtue as it is to assume she is a wicked witch. She could be either or anywhere in between.

It's also quite odd to think she's likely to be either, or fixate on the few that are wicked witches or paragons of virtue, as the vast majority will be somewhere in between. It only serves to feed the damaging perception that if she isn't a paragon of virtue, she must deserve a slap in the face.
Snowdrops28 · 12/03/2021 20:22

You absolutely deserve to be recognised! I’m a step mum and my step daughter will always say happy Mother’s Day and will get me a card and flowers! Her mum usually gives her money or helps her choose something for me.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/03/2021 20:24

My step children give me a card and a gift on Mother's Day, they do the same for their step dad on Father's Day, neither their mum nor their dad find this objectionable in any way, in fact they are delighted they do so.

I never asked for it nor expected it and I thoroughly appreciate it, when they were very young their mum would buy the card and their dad did the same for their step dad, now they are older they do it themselves, it's their choice neither their dad nor I force it.

nowbringmethathorizon · 12/03/2021 20:32

I get my stepmum a card and flowers and a "Nana" card from the kids. Same as I do for my mum.

She's been my stepmum for 30 years so it feels right to me but I wouldn't begrudge anyone having a different opinion.

LucieStar · 12/03/2021 20:42

Some step mums are great and deserve presents. Some are absolutely awful and deserve a slap in the face with a wet fish.

This isn't specific to SMs. I'd change this to some people. Smile

Idontknowhowtodothis · 12/03/2021 20:50

@ingogweeto who said anything about OP's DSC disliking her?!
You say its the father's choice to have us in the child's life... its also our choice to begin a relationship with a man with a child/children knowing that we will have to step up and parent that child - some have sole custody, some 50/50, some weekends, but whatever the situation, that child will look up to the stepmother to some degree!

tommyhoundmum · 12/03/2021 21:13

I have a ward and am her guardian. I get a card and gift each year. However, if her mother were still alive, I would not get anything.

Incogweeto · 12/03/2021 21:17

@ingogweeto who said anything about OP's DSC disliking her?!
You say its the father's choice to have us in the child's life... its also our choice to begin a relationship with a man with a child/children knowing that we will have to step up and parent that child - some have sole custody, some 50/50, some weekends, but whatever the situation, that child will look up to the stepmother to some degree!

You can feel it for the vibe of her post. I don’t think choosing to start a relationship with a man with kids makes you a parent to them. And they don’t have to recognise their dad’s wife as anything, as long as they’re polite.

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 12/03/2021 21:46

I buy my stepmum a stepmum card and gift every birthday, Xmas and mother day. She’s done a lot for me, my brother and sister over many years, including our own children (her step grandkids) It’s not unreasonable to be thought of by the very step kids you think a lot of. YANBU OP 💪🏻

Barney60 · 12/03/2021 22:02

Im a step mum ive had cards/flowers ect every year, as has his mum, id be gutted if i didnt get acknowledged.

Namealreadyinuse1 · 12/03/2021 22:10

I’m a step mum to 4 (2 adults and 2 teens). I won’t receive anything, perhaps a text off the 2nd eldest as she did last year and I really appreciated it. In fact the 2 youngest are with us this weekend (we did ask their mum what she wanted to do in terms of swapping weekends). As the youngest 2 have never acknowledged my birthday I won’t hold my breath for anything being different this year. I do a lot for them all and just once in a while it would be nice to be appreciated.

SkedaddIe · 12/03/2021 23:13

I think it’s a shame that DP doesn’t organise it. If he took the lead and bought cards etc I doubt the dsc would refuse to sign it.

Or is that not the point?

I was brought up in a religious (and African) background so it’s always been Mothering Sunday not Mother’s Day. So sisters and aunties get recognised too for their involvement in help raise our children.

AmigoingcrZy · 12/03/2021 23:18

I dont understand everyone saying "they have a mum, and its not you". We send cards to grandparents, mums, step mum, even my "adopted" granny. Just because you celebrate one doesnt mean you can't celebrate another. We only buy gifts for my mum and DHs mum but we buy cards for everyone else. Its a nice gesture and shows appreciation of those who "mother" you in any and all ways!

purpleme12 · 12/03/2021 23:20

but not everyone does it that way....
it is ok to take it literally too....

Cloudyrainsham · 13/03/2021 00:27

I’m a step mum, have been for 27 years. For the last 2 years my stepdaughter has brought me a card and present. She never did before that though. We get on really well but I’ve never expected anything even though I do absolutely loads for her. She already has a mum.

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