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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
MollyMinniesMum · 12/03/2021 18:59

I’m with you, step Mum for over 18 years now, sacrifices made, money earned... not so much as a birthday card here, Mother’s Day wouldnt cross their minds sadly

Bourbonbiccy · 12/03/2021 19:06

It obviously depends on the children.

I looked at my Step mum as my fathers partner, who became part of my family, she was lovely and we got on well, but she wasn't my mum, I had a mum and that day was for her.

I think if you want a special day to be appreciated, it's not Mother's Day, maybe do something lovely on another day to celebrate your family and make that a tradition.

Goodiebagh · 12/03/2021 19:11

My son (14) has a great relationship with his stepmum who hes known since he was 6 and he does us both a card which i think is lovely

Hankunamatata · 12/03/2021 19:13

Would you even be seeing them on mothers day? Surely they are with their mum?

Peggyrose3 · 12/03/2021 19:15

I always send ny step mam a msg to show my appreciation for all things she has done She been with my dad since I was young so Iv grown up with her in my life but I spoil me mam much more as it’s really all about her . I also send a nice msg to me mother in law wish her a lovely day just show bit of appreciation.

blackrimmedspecs · 12/03/2021 19:17

Not at all unreasonable, depends very much on individual relationships. I think particularly in long term family arrangements that of course step parents role should be appreciated and the bio parent should encourage an acknowledgment of a different kind of significant relationship, but yes step mums are mums, the relationship are different but important none the less.

TonyGates · 12/03/2021 19:20

My step children are adults, and were young adults when I met my DH. I've never received anything, nor would I expect to. I'm not their mum. However one of my happiest memories was quite a few years ago when my SD happened to call in on Mother's Day. She gave me a bunch of daffodils and said 'because you wouldn't have anything otherwise'. It was a one off gesture and she probably doesn't even remember it. She's a mum herself now. A lovely one.

Incogweeto · 12/03/2021 19:26

No way. And tbh feeling entitled to a parent’s place in their lives will only make them dislike you more. I think it’s really weird to want a slice of the recognition due to their real mother and to be bothered enough to post about it. You’re not their mother.

My stepmother isn’t my parent and won’t ever be. She was dad’s choice not mine and I’ll treat her kindly and politely like I’d treat any adult.

Dagnabit · 12/03/2021 19:27

I think it depends on lots of things so impossible to say.

I buy both my mum and step-mum a Mother’s Day card because my step mum brought me up and I call her mum. I haven’t lived with my biological mum since I was about 3 and didn’t see much of her growing up. However, my dad died many years ago and (step)mum remarried - I don’t buy her husband a Father’s Day card, although he’s nice enough.

SaphiraBlue · 12/03/2021 19:29

I have a son and a step son. I buy my son’s step-mum a Mother’s Day present and card from my son (he’s 11) she’s been in his life since he was 5yrs old and my partner buys me flowers for Mother’s Day to say thank you for everything I do for both boys. I don’t get a card or present specifically from my stepson but I’m ok with that.

I think every situation is different and you and the children should do what’s right for you all.

SaphiraBlue · 12/03/2021 19:31

I’ll also add, my son’s stepmum has no children of her own, so she only receives anything from him.

Exhaustedpanda · 12/03/2021 19:38

It is difficult and depends on the situation I guess.
I would always do something for my step dad for Father’s Day, but my biological dad wasn’t really around too much.
I think that probably makes a difference. They probably appreciate everything you do for them, but Mother’s Day will be mainly about their mum if she plays a major role in their lives.

caringcarer · 12/03/2021 19:39

I am a foster carer and my 3 adult DC buy me a card and gift and my foster son who has lived with me for 9 years buys me a mother's Day card out of his pocket money. When he was at primary school and they made home made cards for Mother's he refused and said he wanted to make me one. He is supposed to see his biological mother 3 times a year but he is lucky to see her once in 2 years. She just doesn't show up for him. He used to get angry but now he says he doesn't care whether she turns up or not. He refuses to send her a card now.

TheDuchess1979 · 12/03/2021 19:40

I’ve had my two step children since they were 7 & 11 years old. They are now in their 30s. I’m afraid I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve received a card and my step-son lived with us in his teenage years. I’ll get a text asking if I’m having a nice day with their dad and my own dc (their half-brother).

What I’m saying is, knowing what I do about being a step-mum...you absolutely DESERVE a present but don’t get your hopes up 😉

needadvice54321 · 12/03/2021 19:40

[quote Nameandgamechange123]@Youllbeoldertoo

'They have a mum. It’s not you'

I also thought this was really mean. I don't think it's unreasonable for being recognised as a step mum at all. I always get my kids to at least get a card for their step dad on fathers day - he works so hard to be involved and it is a TOUGH job to care for kids that are not your own.[/quote]
Exactly

DH treats DS as his own, does as much for him as he does for his biological son. If it wasn't for DH then I'm not sure where DS and I would be now. He's done all of it, totally taken on the "dad" role without the name. Whilst I've never forced DS to buy him a card, I did gently encourage it.

DS's dad knows and is very grateful to DH. He's never been that interested in DS's life (his choice - he was encouraged to) and knows for that reason DH has stepped up. It's a bloody tough job bringing up someone else's child, I'll be forever grateful to him

needadvice54321 · 12/03/2021 19:42

Forgot to add - whilst I don't particularly like DS's Dad, I have always helped DS to sort him out a card and gift. He is his Dad, even if I think he's a Wally.

Flatoutonsofa · 12/03/2021 19:43

I'm really surprised at how many people think it's unreasonable to hope for some kind of thank you on Mother's Day. Sounds like you do a lot, and besides, step mum is a mum kind of role. I really hope you get a bunch of daffs or something. I'm sending you a virtual hug and a virtual bouquet for Sunday.My mum passed away last year so I have a vacancy.

MrsTophamHat · 12/03/2021 19:43

I completely understand why some mums feel the way they do about posts like this from step mums

I have been a step mum in a previous relationship that ended over a decade ago and I thought i was the business, and I would have agreed with the OP at the time.

However, now that I am married and have children of my own I do not think that I could stand happily by and watch my precious children give a mothers day card to another woman, irrespective of how nice she was to them. Birthdays and Christmas would be one thing, but assuming their mother is in their life and they have a good relationship I just don't think it would be right.

Life admin and mopping up tears does not a mother make.

Exhaustedpanda · 12/03/2021 19:46

Also just to add after reading some of the other comments my step father has absolutely been more of a dad to me than my biological one. My children see him as their grandad and he loves them like they are his own. I do not think you are any less of a parent just because they are not biological your children, if you have been in their lives that long I’m sure you mean just as much to them but they may not want to hurt their mums feelings on Mother’s Day, or maybe they just think you know they appreciate you anyway, teenagers don’t always think x

Jayne35 · 12/03/2021 19:47

My Mum gets a card and bottle of wine or chocs every Mother’s Day from my half brother who is in his 50s now. I think it’s lovely and I don’t see why step parents shouldn’t be recognised.

Saxineno · 12/03/2021 19:48

My husband has a step mum, she was the OW and his dad left his mum for her when he was 18, but his dad forced him from say one to recognise the day with care and gift.
Years and years later, dad left step mum, and we've cut him off as realised how narcissistic he is, but still will do doorstep visit with step mum tomorrow and a card and flowers and garden ornament. Love her to bits. Funny how things change.

Our Mother's Day card says something about step mums can be nice, Disney portrays them all wrong

TheRosesAreInBloom · 12/03/2021 19:51

“Mothering Sunday is a chance to say thanks for all the things our mothers do for us and is always the fourth Sunday of Lent”

The usual raft of ill-thought through, nasty comments on this thread. Above is a broad definition of what Mothering Sunday is about so if you are any kind of (decent) ‘mother’ figure, you can and possibly should be celebrated so YANBU OP. Some step mums will be the only mums some children have. What about foster mums, I hope they are allowed to be celebrated too 🥴.

I’m a step mum and my grown up step daughter has for many years given me a small gift and card which usually says ‘you’re like a mother to me’ ...it’s very touching 😊

HighPressureDays · 12/03/2021 19:52

I’m a step mum and I am quite involved in the kids lives - helping with schooling, offering advise, facilitating sleepovers etc.

My preteen SDD decided to create a separate day for me where she gets me a card and a little gift to show her appreciation. This was her idea and I’m more than happy with this.

In general though I think it would be nice for step children to get something for their step mum Mother’s Day if they want to. But it’s a obviously not compulsory.

It also obviously depends on the role you play in their lives. My partner gets his step dad a card on Father’s Day as his step dad was more involved in his life than his actual dad.

R2G · 12/03/2021 19:52

Yanbu, it is a nice gesture. The main focus is mum and spending the day. But a card and bunch of flowers to you would be appreciated, can your husband not organise that

KingdomScrolls · 12/03/2021 19:59

My husband's biological father is a waste of space sperm donor, his stepfather is his dad in every way other than biology, he recognises him fully on father's Day. My grandmother is my mum's stepmother, she will be fully recognised on mother's Day even though my mum was close to get biological mother, my best friend is a step mother, she gets in very well with the biological mother of the children and they live with her 50% of the time she will be absolutely spoiled on Sunday and two of the children are now young adults. There isn't a finite amount of love and appreciation. If you play that role for them it's nice if they recognise that