Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

It's Mothering Sunday so anybody that fits the mothering role should be recognised especially in this day and age when the amount of blended families, same sex couples is huge.

Wow.... so much anger on this post... I can only guess there's lots of mums on her who don't like their kids step mums!
My DP has 50/50 custody of his DD and to be honest, her mum is more about being her mate than being a 'parent' (courts words, she was instructed to go to parenting classes) so effectively, even thought I'm not her mum, I have the same time based influence on DSD as her mum (probably more as according to DSD, "mummy's always out)...
It's nice that I get a bunch of daffs and a card she's drawn, but I guess it depends on what mothers day means to you. If you want to be spoiled and showered with gifts, yes YABU, however if its a little token of acknowledgement, then No, YANBU.

Definitely always buy cards and presents for my Step-Mum and Step-Dad on Mother's / Father's Day. They have been part of my life for many years and I appreciate what they have done for me. To me it would feel wrong to exclude them.

My elder two children buy cards and gifts for their Father and my Husband (their step-dad). You are NOT being unreasonable at all. However, (depends on their age) maybe their Dad should shove them in the right direction maybe.

I’m definitely one of the minority who didn’t want a Mother’s Day card from former dsc.
I technically did deserve an abundance of recognition and thank yous given the amount of stuff I did for dsc usually in place of my ex, but I was just so mentally and emotionally drained by stepparenting that it become something that I didn’t really feel like celebrating, least of all on Mother’s Day when it was a special day for me and my children. I think a card from dsc would have felt like a reminder more than anything else, especially if ex wife arranged it.

I had a step dad growing up & acknowledged both my dad & stepdad on father's Day. Both were there for me if needed.

IMO it shows you respect & appreciate what a step parent does for you

I think it very much depends on circumstances. I always get my SD a present for Father's Day but he was more of a dad to me than my own dad was. Whereas I never got my SM anything. She was nice enough but I never really seen them at all growing up and we rarely spoke etc.

In your situation I would definitely think they should get you at least a card, it sounds like you've been a very active parent in their life, however, ultimately it is up to them and what they would see as normal

Hi I’m a step mum. The children lived with me for a long time, youngest 5 when she moved in. I have never been called mum, they have a mum, but I was “mum” to them for many years. They are grown up now and I have a good relationship with them. They have a relationship with their mum, I get a card and present every year and really appreciate it, but it’s their mum they take to lunch, not me. I’m not their mum but I’ve played a significant motherly role to them. I think it depends on the whole family dynamics.

I always send my stepmum a card for Mother's Day. My mum died a long time ago and she and my dad got together after this when I was in my late 20s but I would never occur to me not to send a card. She's lovely and is now the only parent I have

I married a man whose first wife died aged 27. Her mum lived very nearby. She welcomed me with open arms and did so much for us. I used to give her flowers every Mother’s Day.

Last Mother's day my step daughter, who was grown up when I met her dad, bought me a gift. I was surprised but very moved by the thought, especially as my own sons tend not to bother. I think it's a really kind thing to do.

My lovely step-daughter always acknowledges me as well as her real mum. She came to live with me and her father when she was 15 as she didn't like her mother's new partner. If you are an acting mum, albeit part-time, surely stepchildren should show some appreciation.

@Devlesko

Dh, always gets one for his Dad's wife. She wasn't a step mum to him as he was a teen and soon left home. It usually says on mothering sunday or some such

Same here. I don't even like her very much but I always get her a card

@Youllbeoldertoo

'They have a mum. It’s not you'

I also thought this was really mean. I don't think it's unreasonable for being recognised as a step mum at all. I always get my kids to at least get a card for their step dad on fathers day - he works so hard to be involved and it is a TOUGH job to care for kids that are not your own.

My step son lives with us full time. I do his washing, cook his dinner, talk to him about school, show him I care etc. He's 17 and I don't even get a birthday or Christmas present so it is highly unlikely he would do anything Sunday.

Family dynamics play a part.

My step kids always treat me on Mother’s Day. My kids treat my DH.

@PandemicPalava yes, yes it is...its just his way of saying "I can't be bothered". Birthdays and Xmas I have to choose what I want and also often actually order it myself. It hurt in the beginning bit now I just go for the more pricey options

I think it would be nice to be acknowledged for all you do for them. I have 3 Children and their Father has a partner (not married so not ‘officially’ step Mum) But, she’s lovely, and loves them and takes an interest in them and good care of them when they’re at their house etc I always mention her if I post on social media on Mother’s Day, as it’s not just me raising my children, they have a lot of great females in their lives who I believe deserve recognition.

If their biological mum is out of the picture then maybe, if not then YABU

YANBU I have a step dad and I always recognise him on father's day, in my family we also recognise Godmothers and grandmothers, I think it's polite and just kind to recognise anyone that has been there for you

I’ve sent flowers to DH’s stepmother. Mainly as it keeps the peace. Also we go there to stay every few months, meet for family meals every couple of months and go on 1 or 2 family holidays every year. She isn’t a mother, but would be offended if we didn’t acknowledge her. I don’t send a card.

I don’t acknowledge my own stepmother on Mother’s Day, as I was already an adult and moved away when she met my dad. She’s just a person who tags along when I see my dad, so there’s no reason to recognise Mother’s Day. She has 3 of her own DC who can do that.

So I think it depends on the type of stepmother relationship.

Not read full thread.

I have 2 daughters and one SD. SD has her mum so never thought about it really. I just assumed that as long as their biological mum or dad is in the picture for Mothers Day or Fathers Day then it's about them and that relationship. Different I guess if one of them isn't in the picture any more for some reason - maybe, even then I wouldn't be expecting anything as step mum. It's complicated though isn't it. I don't do much "parenting" with SD as such. Her dad does all the organising, disciplining, etc... and I deal with my two. So I think to SD I'm just this friendly auntie-type who lives in the house with her dad. There's not really any sort of maternal relationship there. Hope that makes sense. She's incredibly close to her mum.

YANBU. You are a mother too, albeit not a birth mother.

I would give you the exact same card and small gift as my own mother.

@Cracklepops
That really made me smile. Such lovely behaviour from both of you. I’m sure she must have so appreciated that you continued to make her such a welcome member of the family.

I was very lucky to be acknowledged on Mother's Day by my step-daughter but I always made sure she would have a card and present for her mum if we'd had her on Mother's Day (with her mum's permission which I would always check before the date).