Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

Its probably best to respond to posts people actually make. If you want to invent things and then argue against them, you could do that all in your own little head and save the rest of us the annoyance of having to read your posts to no-one.

It's probably best to not try and police what points people can and can't make on a public forum. Equally, it's probably best to learn not be so fucking unnecessarily rude.

@Youseethethingis

As expected, you completely missed my point. Not sure how when it was so explicit, but I was specifically talking about the step-parent/child relationship. Not the parents

You missed Lucies point that the parents are the ones with the greatest power/influence to make the relationship between steps and kids into what it ends up as.
Dripping poison = bad relationship
Speaking positively = good relationship
Obviously not as simple as that and everyone will play their part but the parents do set the scene for anyone in their child’s life, for good or ill.

Thank you!

I wouldn't expect anything. But if they decided to draw a picture/get a card or something I'd think it was lovely.

I get my dad's partner and mum's partner thank you cards for father's and mother's day because I want to. I would feel different if they expected it.

The truth is most (I think) people start out wanting to make an effort with their partner's children and depending on the many variables outlined upthread it might turn out well, it might not. Most children (and a lot of adults tbf!) are not going to have the insight to recognise the larger dynamics at play as to how a relationship between step parent and step child pans out - by the time they are old enough chances are the step parent has withdrawn for the sake of their own mental health and the child will have no reason to question what's happened because all they'll assume is that their step parent was never interested.

This is absolutely spot on and summarises my situation quite well actually.

I think it is a level of respect from the child recognising its mum or dad and the responsibility they bear being that childs parent, which is why I would be upset about my children giving cards to people other than their parents. I am not anti step mum/dad and hope that my children if they have a stepmum/dad get on well with them and they care for each other and celebrate special times, but i would be upset if my children bought them a card on the mum/dad day because that step parent will never have had (and nor should they have had) responsibility for the child (arguably neither has their dad...but thats a different story!) in the same way as their parents. I recognise there are exceptions like with absent parents where a step parent takes on probably more, but that would not be the case for my children.

As expected, you completely missed my point. Not sure how when it was so explicit, but I was specifically talking about the step-parent/child relationship. Not the parents.

Eeerm, nobody missed your point. We are aware you were explicitly talking about the step parent/child relationship, the point several made in response was that SP/SC relationships are NOT just dictated by which one out of those two puts effort in. There are other things at play in the vast majority of cases, not least of which being the SC themselves not wanting a third parent. Sometimes this will be in an antagonistic way, sometimes not. Sometimes nobody involved wants the SP to have more involvement.

It depends on how any given family views mother's day really. Some will see it as a day solely for your mother, others celebrate wider relationships too.

For example, I always send a card and flowers to my grandmother's. And our DC always send the same to theirs too, separately from us (so mine and DHs mum). My Dad isn't married but on father's Day I get a card for my step dad. He's never had a hugely parental role in my life but I appreciate what he does do and the relationship we have and that he has with my children and so I'm more than happy to express it with a bit of card. Again, I also send a card to my grandad on father's Day.

So for our family, mother's day or father's Day has never solely focused on one person's mother. Just any one with that type of relationship that you'd like to show some appreciation to.

I buy a little something and a card for my sons stepmum. She doesn't try to be their mum but she does love and care for them, nice to be recognised. She never expects but always appreciates the thought and sentiment of it.

If you care for them and consider them as your own children then you should be treated as such but it is on your OH to organise this. I have 4 children, 2 are from a previous relationship, their dad is still in their lives probably more so than most other dads who seperate along the road. My husband is just as much a dad to his step-children as he is to his own children. He doesn't even refer to them as his step-children they are just his children or childA etc. Because of this he gets the same treatment as their dad for fathers day.

I'm a step mum, and my step daughter has never done anything for me on mother's Day. She lives most of the time with her real mum. I would only expect something if her real mum wasn't in the picture and I was the only mother figure in her life. Rather conversely, my father had a daughter from a previous relationship, whom my mother has never met, who wants to send her a step mother's Day card and present. Which seems pretty weird to me! So maybe I'm not the best person to judge this...

It depends on the relationship and how your SC feels. I buy for my step mum - because my mum spent many years bitterly trying to make my step mum out to be horrific. My mum does nothing bar a call or text. She has spoken to her GC 3 times in the last 12 months. I disagree that it should only be about mum only. Our kids decide and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by at party for sensing cards to whoever they like. It's pure selfishness to expect.

My step children always did get one for me on mothers day.
Done off their own back and always used to put a lovely post on fb too. It was always appreciated but I never expected it.

Surely depends on the family set up and very much an individual thing.

I did the whole Father’s Day thing for my stepdad every year. But he was a goddamn legend!

It would be lovely to be recognised but that’s up to your partner maybe a small bunch of flowers or something token like would be a nice touch. Your not their mum, you do exist and have to care for them all the same. It doesn’t have to be one way.
All of these nasty comments are a bit over the top. I’d rather my child cared for and showed appreciation for that than be snubbed.

I always gave my stepmother flowers, chocs, whatever.
I get tearful on MD when DD doesn't.

I think being a step-parent is a really hard job and it takes someone special to be a good step-parent. However, I don't really agree with m/f day. It's lovely to get a small present or homemade card from DC but I think it's a bit grabby to expect something.

It's tricky and I think differs between families with no real right or wrong.

I have always gotten my stepmum a card and some flowers because I appreciate the special and distinct role she has played in my life, but I spend the day with my mum.

I'd love it if there was a dedicated stepmum day though!

Its a tricky one - really depends on the individual family I think - for example I have had a DstepF in my life since I was 11ish - we get on great. I respect him and value our relationship - heck he even walked me down the aisle WITH my DF but he isn't my DF. For fathers day my df always got a Card with Dad on it etc and I would usually pick a more generic card for DstepF often with a joke on it and just write an appropriate message inside. My DStepM has never had a card from me. I don't really think of her in that way- she is my DF's Wife (he remarried when I was a young adult) she doesn't push a relationship with me like like anyway.

I'm not a stepmum but my ds has a stepdad (my husband) and a stepmum (his dad's partner) ds sees her most weekends and she is very nice to him and he has a lot of respect for her I encourage him to get her a small gift and a bunch of flowers just to show his appreciation x

I have always bought for my step parents because to me they both act as extra parents to me! X

I always send a card from my boys to their stepmum. She’s lovely. I also drop her a quick thank you for all the effort she makes

I am a mum....3 DCs the oldest is 10. My husband never organises anything for me from them as "you're not my mum". I've had time to get over it and I don't do anything special for him for fathers day because of it.

I am the adult stepchild of a wonderful Stepmum who only came into my life after my own Mum died. I wouldn't dream of not recognising her contribution, not just to my life, but also to those of my children, on MD.

I do something for my stepmum. I get her a card ( just a general pretty one) and a plant. I only started a few years ago when her mum died and I wanted to help make the day less painful for her. My mum knows and knows my reasons. I do feel a little guilty but my stepmum struggles on that day so I wanted to mark it

@MRSGGG that's a very odd approach for him to take!