**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

[Zara0123]

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

What a worry for you. My 3yo son once said, completely out of the blue, I don't like Uncle Ed, he hurt my willy. Uncle Ed (not his name) was his godfather, a long standing friend of DH, married with 2 children. He also had a predilection for little boys - I'm not saying this is what has happened, it could be totally innocent, but act on what you know now

Sending a supportive and socially distanced hug.

Can I just say that my dd is almost 3 and uses a potty or toilet. The nursery staff do not wipe her (unless she was in a mess) They get her to get tissue and wipe herself. It's possible that your child had a big pooh which hurt, and then the guy wiped which felt uncomfortable. If you child does not suffer from constipation recently, and is not constipated tomorrow, I would be concerned. Even if the guy didn't mean to, nobody should be wiping bottoms roughly so it hurts. My 3 yr old, would have said the pooh hurt, and then told me it hurts when wiping. I would have then reassured her, so she knew I wasnt hurting her deliberately. I'd like to think that the nursery should report this to you also. If this is innocent and your child had simply just had a big poo which hurt, I'd like to think the nursery would inform you. The fact that your 3 yr old is saying the wiping hurt is very worrying. Trust your child. Nobody can blame you for safe guarding your child. Log it with the nursery manager, and ask what the procedure is. I would also insist that your child wipes themself of another member of staff assists. Once you've raised a concern, they will be very cautious.

@Zara0123

The first thing you need to do is to take your son to
Accidents and emergencies at your local hospital.

(So its on the hospital records , about what's happened to your son etc.

Do not tell the nursery what you are doing though op.

He didn't seem himself. He was tearful. I work in safeguarding and this in and of itself is enough to set alarm bells ringing loudly in addition to the information about the employee hurting his bum. And if there was an innocent explanation for what was clearly an upsetting incident, then I would have expected to have been given that information when I collected him from nursery. I would be calling your local police for advice and not setting foot in that nursery again.

Sleep and think again tomorrow - really?!

@VintageDiamonds

That’s quite poor advice and going against what a safeguarding social working and 2 others is safeguarding are suggesting.

Making comments like this can be very damaging

I work in early years. I think you need to get professional advice from someone in child protection. Your local safeguarding board (google for your area) will have a phone line you can phone If you are worried about a child and you can talk through your concerns. I would either phone them or the nspcc for advice. They will be able to talk through what has happened and advise you what to do next, be that a medical examination or whatever they think best.

I think if you do nothing, this will play on your mind for a very long time and you will always worry about what happened today/tonight. If it turns out to be something completely innocent (a pp suggested your ds might have been constipated and has torn slightly as he pooed, it’s a possibility), but I think it better to get the situation investigated properly for you and your son.

Thank you so much for the responses. I can assure you I've read every single one and i am fully on board.

I am still in denial that my worst fears could have come true. He is due back tomorrow.
So worried about potentially ruining this guys career if he has done nothing wrong, hardly any men do this job - I actually thought it was nice that ds would have a bit of a male lead - i guess scenarios like this is what put men off.

Is the rule of 2 adults in the loo a thing? We asked ds about who was in the toilet and he just named the man and another child, (female).
Worrying we have done more harm by asking him so much now.

Really appreciate the advice, just putting other dc to bed then will speak to dh on next steps to take tonight.

I would definitely call the nursery OP and explain what's has been said, as well as ask as a PP mentioned about what their process is I. E. If two people attend when taking children to the toilet. I would also take your dc to the doctor to be looked at incase it needs to be reported at some point. If there's any evidence of anything, you want their professional opinion, and it down on paper ASAP.

Im so sorry OP. I really hope it is innocent. You must be very worried.

I agree with previous posters.
This could be an innocent thing (eg child constipated and sore) but also could not be.
Your son and other children may need protecting, I would call the NSPCC helpline as advised and be guided by them.

I hope there is an innocent explanation, OP, but I do think this needs to be taken seriously at this point and checked out. Do not speak to the nursery. Firstly, don't bathe your son again just yet. Secondly, gather together any clothing and nappies from today and the towel used after the bath and bag them up separately - do not wash them just yet - later on, do the same with what he has worn after his bath. Next, ring the NSPCC for advice and take it from there. If it were my DC, I would want him checked over but I think it is important that this is done calmly and in the right way - you need expert advice.

Don’t mull over it. Act now. Get a doctors opinion or two if needed. Call the relevant safeguarding professionals. Work out exactly what has happened.

It is so important that you take what he has said seriously. You should contact your local authority safeguarding team.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Not here to give advice as I’m not sure I would even know what to do here but getting him seen by a medical professional is definitely a start. I hope you and your son are OK, I really do.

How horrible for you all.
I would recommend hospital. He needs to be seen. I know it won’t be nice (for any of you) but he needs assessing.

Seconding @OverTheRainbow88’s excellent advice

Op I have PM you
.

@VintageDiamonds, if you had tried to tell someone that you had been hurt by a person who is supposed to be carrying for you would you expect them to "sleep on it" or would you want them to help you there and then?

There is no way I could sleep wondering if my child had been abused by someone I put my trust in - I don't know any parent who could!

Hi- I am Senior Management for a Nursery Group, in a role where if something like this came to light I’d be directly involved and this is what my advice would be.

(1) have your child seen by a medical professional ASAP.
(2) based on their considerations, speak to the police.
(3) contact the Safeguarding Lead at the nursery, explain your concerns. They will likely suspend the member of staff and launch an investigation - depending on police involvement. They will also be bound to report that to their registering governing body. Their investigation may be paused or work at a delay depending on how the police proceed.

Do not worry about ‘over reacting’ or causing issues. At the very least, your son has been handled less than gently and that needs to be assessed and addressed approximately. The nursery (and any good EYP, regardless of their position in this) will understand the process and the need for any cautionary action.

It might be that for every 100 allegations along the lines of this, 99 end up being not what they seemed... but it’s the 1 allegation that ends up being true that the process is there to uncover and ensure is dealt with to prevent any further incidents.

@Cookiecrumblepie

Don’t mull over it. Act now. Get a doctors opinion or two if needed. Call the relevant safeguarding professionals. Work out exactly what has happened.

Hear hear.

OP definitely don't sleep on it . And please don't contact the nursery.

@Zara0123

Thank you so much for the responses. I can assure you I've read every single one and i am fully on board. I am still in denial that my worst fears could have come true. He is due back tomorrow. So worried about potentially ruining this guys career if he has done nothing wrong, hardly any men do this job - I actually thought it was nice that ds would have a bit of a male lead - i guess scenarios like this is what put men off.

Is the rule of 2 adults in the loo a thing? We asked ds about who was in the toilet and he just named the man and another child, (female).
Worrying we have done more harm by asking him so much now.

Really appreciate the advice, just putting other dc to bed then will speak to dh on next steps to take tonight.

I work with vulnerable adults. There is a clear and fair process for if an allegation is made, and I assume the same is true for childcare. The safety of your child and every other child in that nursery is paramount while somebody qualified investigates what may have happened. I really feel for you, OP.

Also OP, not to sound patronising or anything, make a mental note of anything dc says about his tummy, and keep an eye out when he next needs a poo. Maybe he was just constipated. But don't, as I've learned with my DS the hard way (3) plant a seed that you are looking for something as you will never get a true story out of them after that.

Best wishes OP.

He needs to be seen by the duty safeguarding paediatrician. Take him to A & E now.