**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

[Zara0123]

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

What I would do is this:

Don't question him about it any further yourself.
Make an urgent appointment with the doctor.

Depending on the results of the doctor's visit, I'd go to the police.

Yes has he used the word bumhole before? That's quite specific. My son calls it bum he wouldn't know bum hole.
I've re read your op and I am feeling more anxious by the fact he was tearful when he came out of nursery etc. Perhaps call nspcc for advice now

Stay calm, even if the worst hasn't happened its upset your son
I would speak to the nursery before I sent him in again and see what their records show, what was recorded, by who, when etc
Then make your decision

I also think you need to report it. NSPCC would be good for advice on whether to raise it with nursery directly or police / social services.

Occasionally DD will say ow when I wipe her bottom, usually if she's not staying still and it's sort of a clash of movements. But it's just on the moment, she's never brought it up later.

I'm really sorry OP, you must be beside yourself, I can't even imagine

It needs investigating. If this is not something he’s said before, doesn’t generally have a saw bum then it’s a worry. I speak to nursery and contact the police if necessary.

I can’t believe the number of
People on here that are just saying ask the nursery. And I can’t believe you’ve come here to ask either. Phone nhs 111now
And get him
Checked out and explain your concerns.

Sorry about this situation OP. Hopefully it's just something innocent and your son hasn't come to any harm.

Does his bum look sore?

I think the only way you’re going to be talked down is if you take him to be examined by a medical professional tbh.

The important thing to remember is whatever happened was significant enough to still be causing a child distress and pain several hrs later. I am really sorry OP but I would recommend as a SW you take him to a&e. He needs to be examined to check there is no medical explanation that is hurting him and for the paediatricians to decide whether this was non accidental or not.

You need to report to social work and/or police. This needs to be properly investigated and hopefully it is innocent.

I agree - take him to a&e

Ime police. Do not continue to talk about it with ds..
Your ds needs to see he is believed however young..

You need to report tonight..

Call 111 and explain. It does need investigating, unfortunately. I'd be sick if I were in your shoes, makes my blood run cold. Don't send your DS back. I hope you're ok and get the support you need

@Jojobees

Is it possible your son was a touch constipated and the poop hurt and caused a little tear, meaning when the Nursery worker wiped he’s hurt him further. Please do not rush to call the police, as your son isn’t saying that nursery worker was inappropriate but absolutely speak to nursery in the morning.

I don’t mean to sound rude, but two year olds will not be able to express that someone was inappropriate in such a way that it’s clearly inappropriate behaviour.

In your position OP I would feel it was explicitly my job to act on what my son is saying. You know your son best and if it isn’t something that he would usually say I would contact the head of the establishment immediately.

I think it’s excellent that your son has trusted you enough to tell you upfront what has happened. He needs to see you take him seriously. Is it still a safeguarding rule in nurseries that staff should change nappies/conduct personal care in pairs? Could you establish whether or not this man was on his own with DS without pressuring your son?

I think this needs reported to social services for a s.47 investigation. Don't trust the nursery or the manager to do anything to address this sufficiently. The will always try to minimise and protect their reputation above all else

This, please do not go to the nursery, if abuse has taken place all you will do is give them a chance to cover thier tracks. Contact the police ASAP

Get him physically examined by your GP ASAP.

You must absolutely get your little chap checked over at A&E and I would be calling SS/Police. I would afterwards call the nursery manager and ask to speak to their safeguarding lead. If the person is the safeguarding lead then go above, whether that is a chair of the nursery committee or a safeguarding person in your local authority.
I'm so sorry for you and your little boy. Hopefully it's totally innocent and a wiped bottom that felt a bit sore, but your DS seems very distressed and so it warrants further investigation.
Also, any incidents where your child was hurt or upset should have been reported to you when you collected him.

Yes I also meant to say that you need to take him to A&E but also need to try and keep DS calm about it.

I understand why you are asking here - because you don’t want to believe what could have potentially happened and you hope to see lots of posters saying yes this happens all the time etc etc. That’s natural, no one wants to accept that something could have happened to their child in a place that’s supposed to keep them safe.

It’s likely that nothing bad has happened. It’s possible that something bad has happened. DS needs to see that you believe him, that it’s serious when people touch their genitals and that you, as his parents, will always act to keep him safe.

You’re doing a good job OP, even by coming here to ask instead of just dismissing it.

I would take this seriously and trust the signs - the change in behaviour - he normally likes this person, he is normally happy at nursery and you saw very clearly that there had been a change today.

I would also be concerned that he was so distressed getting into the bath some hours later. Even if the carer had wiped him and not been gentle enough, I would be concerned that the pain was still acute enough to make him scream.

NSPCC helpline is open until 10pm

I agree I would be wanting him seen by a doctor, they are able to tell this sort of thing arent they? Correct me if I’m wrong.

I would also want to go above the nursery’s heads (and I wouldn’t be sending him back) BUT, if it IS untoward, by not telling the nursery then the member of staff has the opportunity to continue being a potential risk to children? If I found out that this had happened at my sons nursery and the parent could have done more to protect the other children I can honestly say I would be furious, as I’m such most others would be to?

@steff13

What I would do is this:

Don't question him about it any further yourself.
Make an urgent appointment with the doctor.

Depending on the results of the doctor's visit, I'd go to the police.

This 100%

If the nursery worker has accidentally hurt him a little when wiping or he has an anal fissure, going to the police could blow this guys world right open over something that could be innocent.

Shit sticks and this could ruin his life.

I would make urgent GP appt, discuss concerns with doc, ask for an examination and be guided by the outcome.

Did he maybe have a sore bum anyway?

Would also like to add, I wouldn't be sending him to nursery until I had a clearer direction from the GP.

Don’t wait. Forensics don’t last for ever.

Get the police involved now.

This is why I'm so uncomfortable with nurseries stopping their open door policies and being able to meet new staff members due to covid.
I can't offer any different advice from the other posts, but I hope you and your toddler are ok.