**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

[Zara0123]

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

Don't send him back.

Call the police.

Call the nspcc or whatever similar for advice.

Take child to a+e also

Just go to a&e and explain. They'll be able to examine him properly. Evidence of constipation and an anal fissure in the normal positions they occur in would be very reassuring. Any evidence of unusual injuries or sore areas would be able to be professionally documented. If you leave things but continue to have suspicions it will impossible to be get back to now to gather evidence.

I agree with people saying getting him checked at A and E.

If he has had to have his bum wiped, another adult will have been present as that is the requirement and it should have been recorded. Ring CS/ police and NSPCC and log your concerns. Even if it turns out not to be sinister , better to be safe than sorry.

In terms of taking him to A&E, I don’t know if that will cause more trauma than not? I would take guidance from all the professionals. above.

Do you have an emergency contact number/ email address for the manger/ DSL? If so, contact them as well.

To answer one of your questions, no there is no rule about 2 adults in the toilet. It would be totally impractical.

However, that doesn't negate any of the good advice you have had on here, seek medical advice immediately. They will take the lead and make any reports that they think are necessary.

You just concentrate on supporting your ds, which I'm sure you are doing already.

Please contact your local authority’s children’s services ASAP, ideally tonight.

They should lead on investigating this concern and organise an appropriate medical assessment (not your GP) and link with Police and Nursery. This would be considered as an investigation for what is known as the LADO, they investigate safeguarding concerns against professionals (as opposed to concerns about parents/carers) alongside the Police and health services.

Really helpful to hear from people with expertise on this thread actually. Hope you are able to do as they advise and that your son is ok OP. Really do. Will be thinking of you.

Also, now you’ve had all this advice and hopefully now what to do I would ask for this thread to be removed as if action is needed I wouldn’t want this on the internet.

@Zara0123 Please contact the police urgently, they have specialist officers who will be involved. There are specialist centres where your son can be examined.

If you do not want to contact the police you can call the Out of Hours Child Safeguarding Social Workers - they have different names depending on where you are.

Do not contact the nursery, and do not question your DS further.

A&E now. They have a designated paediatrician who can check him over, and may have a safeguarding team who will speak to him.

Do not speak to the nursery before this has happened. If you're not seen by a Dr by tomorrow, say he won't be in nursery and do not take him in. When you have been seen, follow PP's advice and speak to designated safeguarding lead at nursery and explain everything. They will launch an investigation and may have the police involved.

Do not worry about the member of staff in question. Their career is not your responsibility.

I hope this isn't what it seems to be, and that you and your little one are okay xx

Jamboree01, where is this a requirement? I've worked in childcare for 15 years and never had to record taking a child to the toilet, (nappy changes, yes, not toileting though) and never needed a second person there.

And when you go to a&e and speak to the doctor or anyone make sure your son isn’t in ear shot, as you don’t want to plant ideas/concerns which he may then repeat as his words

No more advice to give, PPs have covered everything I would say. Just wanted to handhold really. What an awful situation for you

Pastoral lead in a school here. I would say get him seen tonight, explain you are fully aware it could be totally innocent and an anal fissure or it could be something sinister. They will examine him and can advise what to do and will notify relevant authorities including police if necessary, or of course reassure you if there is an obvious medical reason.
Do remember that by far the most likely explanation here is constipation and fissure, not abuse. Of course you should get him checked out but try not to panic. It's worth letting the medical staff know about your own history so they are aware you might need additional support to cope with any trauma.

Will be thinking of you but yes do get thread deleted ASAP and move forward with advice of professionals right away

@Goldylion seriously ? You'd call the police ? I think talking to the nursery manager first might be more useful.

Just another thought as well - I was a teacher ina primary school. If one of my pupils, especially 3-4 year olds, hurt themselves to the point of distress then I would have a quick word with whoever picked them up. Any accident, be that a fall in the playground or bumping heads or trapping a finger in a drawer, would have been recorded in our accident book and a copy sent home.

Does your son have some sort of home/nursery communication book? Is there a handover routine? I would have expected it to be mentioned then if it was an accident, like ‘I’m ever so sorry Mrs X but I am DS’ keyworker today and while I was helping him wipe his bottom I must have wiped a bit hard and he says it hurt. I just wanted to let you know.’

What a horrible situation op
Poor little ds, please don't wait for a gp appt tomorrow. A and E will be best placed to examine him tonight and will guide you as to next steps. Will be thinking of you all x

Yes contact CS immediately. LADO will be alerted. Calling the police doesn’t mean that they will land at your door but it will mean that they have a log of your concern from you. It is best to cover all bases but contact Children’s Services first.

I can’t imagine how you must be feeling but hopefully it was not sinister. You are right to be concerned and you are looking out for your little one 💐

Agree with other pps get him checked at A&E, make sure he is ok, they will be the best to deal with this. If they think it’s something untoward go from there.

I agree it’s very hard for men in this role and the last thing you want is something not true to ruin his career. But you know your son better than anyone else, trust your mum instinct, what ever it’s telling you x

Professional help immediately. The sooner the better you have proof to hold him accountable too

@nolovelost

You need to contact the emergency safeguarding team. You'll find this on your local council's website. I've had to do this regarding a child. They answer out of hours. A&E tonight. How your child is acting and the things he's said are red flags. Don't leave it.

This. Please don't just leave it til the morning.

Ring 111 who will tell you to go straight to a and e. He is either hurt or something has happened either way he clearly needs medical attention. I cannot believe people are actually saying to wait until tomorrow. Go to a and e and then they can take the lead and inform the police and so on if necessary.

@elephantasia

I think this needs reported to social services for a s.47 investigation. Don't trust the nursery or the manager to do anything to address this sufficiently. The will always try to minimise and protect their reputation above all else

This and do not send your son in - GP urgent appointment tomorrow. If he has been abused - swabs etc

@Whippyflipp worst advice to contact the nursery manager, if it's something sinister they may also be involved (small, but possible, chance).