**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

[Zara0123]

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

[quote TubbyUnicorn]@RootyT00t I've reported it - but also asked all of your minimising posts to go - equally hideous to be honest, equally speculation.[/quote]
I don't agree I've minimised anything, or that mine is anywhere near, but if it makes you feel better MNHQ are welcome to delete as they see fit.

I reckon this thread might be zapped anyway, as despite your agenda against me, the whole thing is speculation (I assume you approve of the speculation you agree with, weirdly enough).

Hi, OP. What a difficult situation to be in

When my DD was in nursery she told me that her key worker had hurt her "in the bum" while she was on the toilet. Like you I went into panic drive, alerted everyone that needed to know, DD had an examination (nothing out the ordinary found). After talking to my DD a bit more (while this staff member was undergoing investigation!!) after she said "yes XX she hurt my bum. XX wipes really hard, but XX wipes it softer"

After all that it was just that my DD preferred another member of staff wiping her to her key worker and nothing sinister was going on.

Please do take other posters advice RE getting your DD examined. It's better to be safe than sorry

@Ikeameatballs

Please contact your local authority’s children’s services ASAP, ideally tonight.

They should lead on investigating this concern and organise an appropriate medical assessment (not your GP) and link with Police and Nursery. This would be considered as an investigation for what is known as the LADO, they investigate safeguarding concerns against professionals (as opposed to concerns about parents/carers) alongside the Police and health services.

This is the best advice Hope all is well with your little boy

Zerrin13 that is a horrible comment.
The vast majority of men would never hurt a child.
Why shouldn't a man work in a nursery, if he wants to?

I think the whole men working in nurseries debate is for another thread tbh.

@TubbyUnicorn I'd love to know what youce reported for being minimising, but I think you'd struggle, since I haven't.

Contacting SS and Police isn't an overreaction, exploring situations like this is our job. I'm a DS in Child Protection. Terrifying as it is for parents and guardians, this is a common enquiry. So what would I do? Contact the OOH team with SS now or wait until the office opens in the morning. They will hold a strategy discussion with Police and may both visit you and your son the same day. They will gently speak with your son, possibly without you there, only to get a clear account and because you're a witness to his initial disclosure. I'd not be overly concerned about A&E as they might arrange for a Child Protection medical. SS will also notify the LADO because of the position of trust the man is in. And no, I wouldn't tell the nursery either. Not for any nefarious reason, just to let Police and SS obtain as sterile an account as possible.
The likelihood is that it's innocent but no chances will be taken. Maybe there's a training or breach of protocol issue.
Yes, he will probably be suspended whilst the investigation continues. Frankly, that's as it should be.
To reiterate - NOT an overreaction to contact the authorities. Also, please note down as accurately as possible what was said and answers to any other questions.
I'm sorry that you are having to even think about this.

I am sorry for the distress that you and yout DS are going through just now.
I would try to have a look at the child's bottom to see if there is anything like a fissure or any bruising. My first involvement of an outside party would be to get someone to check the child's bottom. He may have done a huge poo which hurt or cut him. In this case he might have internal cuts and these should be seen by a nurse or dr in case there is a poo problem. You could tell the nurse/dr what the child has said so that they alerted to look for any other possible explanation for a child with a sore bumhole. If the child is in bed asleep at this time I would getting them up because I could not sleep myself until I had done all I could to get this investigated. A & E would be a starting point.
Involving police or social workers could wait until all poo problems are discounted.
So sad for you and little DS

I hope your ok OP. You've had lots of advice and I would agree a visit to a and e or the gp asap tomorrow morning before speaking to the nursery. Maybe a call to NSPCC for advice. The results of the above could guide next steps.

I wouldn't trust the nursery to handle this what do ever and they may try to minimise anything out of fear.

I would be going to A&E tonight to get the child checked out, they can support with referral to police or children's social care from there and advise what's best.

You need it looking at from a medical perspective.

In addition, and not to panic you. But sexual abuse does start in "innocent" situations such as wiping bums as that is a way in, test the child to see how they react. It also is a marginalised excuse for the abuser.
Your child have been very precise in what they've said and has continued to express pain. Please take them to to A&E.

Hopefully it turns out to be ok. But get professional advice.

Hope OP has taken her darling son for medical attention.

Theres no way wiping your bum would create that reaction. Sorry but this sounds very serious. Call the Nspcc for advice.

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrible conversation to have with your child and I’d react the same way. As a young child I used to often say I preferred my mum going in toilet with me because my dad hurt my bum. I do think that’s how a young brain thinks about it? But I’d absolutely want to make sure.

*You think she should call the police and say what? My child says he wiped his bum and it hurts?

What is a red flag? The child has literally said his bum is sore.

The man could well have hurt him without meaning to.

Just a few examples of your minimising posts RootyT00T

I can’t believe the amount of “contact the nursery” posts I’ve seen 😳😳 NOT the right thing to do!

Please contact the appropriate authorities and have DS examined immediately. Best case scenario - it’s perfectly innocent and someone has been a bit rough when wiping or something! Worst case scenario - then at least DS has mentioned it and you can do something about it!

If this were the other way around and the nursery had concerns regarding you or your DH then they would have a duty to have this investigated ASAP by the authorities. You have even more of a duty to do this as his mother.

I hope it’s perfectly innocent and I hope you and DH are ok! I can only imagine how you must feel

Hang on.

You think she should call the police and say what? My child says he wiped his bum and it hurts?

If that's not minimising nothing is!

@TubbyUnicorn

*You think she should call the police and say what? My child says he wiped his bum and it hurts?

What is a red flag? The child has literally said his bum is sore.

The man could well have hurt him without meaning to.

Just a few examples of your minimising posts RootyT00T

The first one was my point that she needs to go to a and e first to get the injury checked so she can tell the police what she's dealing with.

The second one was in response to someone who said there were many red flags in the child's words. It was a genuine question.

The third one is an absolute fact, it's not minimising.

I've never once minimised the seriousness, or said to ignore it or anything like that. You just have it in for me.

@Laiste

Hang on.

You think she should call the police and say what? My child says he wiped his bum and it hurts?

If that's not minimising nothing is!

Again, this was to say to go to a and e first. It's not minimising anything.

I think a medical examination is sensible to establish the cause of this pain and for your own peace of mind. They will be able to advise you what to do if they feel something untoward has happened. I am hopeful that it is just constipation that has left his bum area sore and the man was just not gentle enough when wiping it.

Can I just suggest to the posters arguing that despite best intentions you are being incredibly unhelpful?
When OP reads through these comments she will now be trawling through bickering trying to find words of support that she came looking for.
Please have some respect for OP and her situation

Yeah, you're right.

Best of luck OP I hope it all resolves 💖

OP, I'm so sorry for you. This must be incredibly stressful. I wanted to say that I think medical attention and contact the safeguarding hub in your area. It may be innocent, but that isn't for you to decide, so let professionals investigate.
In reality, if he is due in tomorrow, you will have to either give an excuse or tell the truth about his non attendance. There should be a designated safeguarding lead at the nursery who will have to contact the safeguarding hub anyway if you report to them. Whatever happens, you can't do nothing. It will eat you up.
In my experience, 2 people don't have to be present in the toilets, although when I worked in a nursey (4yrs ago) the doors to toilets were always kept open, unless vistors/parents were present. There was a form we had to fill in, with time, why we were in the toilet with the child; nappy, clothing change, help wiping, etc. We would specify if a child had to have cream on, needed help etc. We were allowed to go in alone with a child though.

Where has the child said this man wiped his bum? I can't see that in any of the OPs post. Those were not the words the child used... that is the version you have assured yourself has happened.

The red flags were in everything the boy said and what op said about his behaviour and mood.
So implying its only his bum was wiped is minimising.
Maybe you didnt read it all properly.
Anyway this thread is not about you so I for one will not be engaging with you any further.