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Original poster

**Trigger Warning** Talk me down... 2yo saying he was touched at nursery

354 replies

Zara0123 · 10/03/2021 18:42

Name changed.
Potentially I'm being unreasonable because there is a history of sexual abuse within my family (not involving me or dc directly) but it's made me very anxious.
Ds is almost 3. He goes to a private nursery 3 days a week. A man started working there as a nursery nurse a few months back.
DS really likes him, talks about him fondly etc. We obviously don't really know him due to Covid we haven't had the opportunity, plus ds has a different keyworker who comes outside at handover.

Today ds came out and didn't look himself. He immediately started asking for daddy which is out of character. He was tearful. I bathed him when we got home and as soon as his bum hit the water he started screaming, saying " hurt my bum today after I did a poo. Dont touch me mummy. hurt me bad. He not my friend now. He hurt my bumhole when he touched it".
He wouldn't sit down or anything I ended up getting him out and just cuddling him till he calmed down. He let me put cream on him.
We have had dinner and his dad has tried to talk to him. He just keeps repeating that he hurt his bumhole and he isnt his friend. He is saying he was using tissue so I just don't know whats happened. He is not a kid who ever complains about anything! And he doesnt suffer with sore bum.

I feel sick, but I know I'm potentially being o.t.t. Would i feel this way if he said it about one of the females? Probably not.

What would you do?

OP posts:
sleepyhead1980 · 10/03/2021 20:37

Praying this is all just innocent but I agree he needs checked out. If anything untoward has happened they would hopefully be able to tell (or maybe explain the pain from a medical point of view). It could certainly be innocent but I accidentally hurt my kids when I'm doing things like dressing them etc (maybe accidentally scratch them with a nail or nip them) and they are annoyed for a minute then they get over it. The fact he was still upset at the end of the day and his behaviour was different as a result is concerning. I do hope it's nothing though and I would try to stay as calm as possible until you know more.

nevernotstruggling · 10/03/2021 20:38

I'm guessing the op has gone to a and e. I hope so

Maryann1975 · 10/03/2021 20:38

@FortunesFave Why? What if this man has done things to other children

If he hasn't then all good. If he has then not telling nursery would put other children at continued risk
IME the safeguarding board move very quickly. If the op reports this tonight, the staff member could be suspended within hours. It’s not like they have to track an unknown person. Op knows the name and address of the setting, ofsted will hold records of the managers/owners of the setting and once he is under investigation he wouldn’t be allowed to continue to work there.

To speak to ANYONE at the nursery would put the whole case in Jepody (if there is a case). You never know who is friends with who, if more than one person is involved, how many children are involved etc. If someone tipped him off he has a chance to cover his tracks, work on his best liars face and practise his story. The best people to deal with it are those who are trained to deal with it (safeguarding team/police/child protection unit) not the nursery manager who will probably want to protect her job and income, reputation of the setting and possibly her mates job.

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:38

I'm hoping she has...and that all is above board. I think we are all United in that.

Marypoppinsbrolly · 10/03/2021 20:38

I agree about A&E first/GP first and calling NSPCC helpline, they'll know how to advise you.

Marypoppinsbrolly · 10/03/2021 20:39

I also REALLY want to echo, please please don't send him back until this has been investigated.

SquirtleSquad · 10/03/2021 20:40

I think A&E tonight is the best course of action. Make sure they know you bathed (or tried to bath) him.

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:40

[quote Maryann1975]**@FortunesFave* Why? What if this man has done things to other children*

If he hasn't then all good. If he has then not telling nursery would put other children at continued risk
IME the safeguarding board move very quickly. If the op reports this tonight, the staff member could be suspended within hours. It’s not like they have to track an unknown person. Op knows the name and address of the setting, ofsted will hold records of the managers/owners of the setting and once he is under investigation he wouldn’t be allowed to continue to work there.

To speak to ANYONE at the nursery would put the whole case in Jepody (if there is a case). You never know who is friends with who, if more than one person is involved, how many children are involved etc. If someone tipped him off he has a chance to cover his tracks, work on his best liars face and practise his story. The best people to deal with it are those who are trained to deal with it (safeguarding team/police/child protection unit) not the nursery manager who will probably want to protect her job and income, reputation of the setting and possibly her mates job.[/quote]
Your last sentence is unhelpful, libellous, escalating nonsense.

wouldukissafrog · 10/03/2021 20:40

Just here. For the handhold.

This absolutely needs looking into, your DS trusted you to confide so, it must be followed up urgently

But also try not to jump from 0-100 without a fact find.

JosieJarker · 10/03/2021 20:41

It didnt direct it at you because this is not about you, its about a worried mother and a little boy who is in pain.
Ive no idea what the police would ask thank god I've never been in such an awful situation.
Its not ops responsibility to ask the nursery anything.
The relevant people can do that in the right way if its needed.

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:42

Incidentally, despite the title, the child never actually said he touched him.

These things can escalate. OP has said herself she has a history.

Everyone is so quick to jump in the belief they are being helpful. Does anyone honestly think convincing her something has taken place is helpful?

MinesAPintOfTea · 10/03/2021 20:43

The majority advice is take the child to hospital and get the doctors to take a look and see what they think has happened. This can easily be done without the child being distressed more: “we are just going to let the doctor check if you need medicine for your owie” would be Age appropriate and get a professional view that either reassures OP or (hopefully not) provides evidence that will not be possible in a couple of days.

babbaloushka · 10/03/2021 20:43

Tak ehim to be assessed at A and E they'll have a safeguarding practitioner, do not wait.

Namechange1991x · 10/03/2021 20:45

If that was my son, I would be getting hold of the nursery ASAP and also not sending him back. This is why I do not want my 1yrold son going to nursery. I don't want anybody changing him that isn't me or his dad. I don't care if that's OTT.

MrsCaptainJakeBallard · 10/03/2021 20:45

I hope you are ok op, it must be extremely worrying. I just wanted to mention that DD had constipation a few weeks ago and was screaming & wouldn't sit in the bath saying her bum hurt so there may be an innocent explanation.

You've been given great advice by professionals above & I think the best thing to do is go to A & E and let them check your ds over. I really hope there's an innocent explanation for you Thanks

Dita73 · 10/03/2021 20:46

Get him to A&E. They’ll (sadly) be familiar with situations like this and they’ll know what to look for and the correct course of action

Namechange1991x · 10/03/2021 20:46

Also agree about a&e. I'd take him there right now.

Sweak · 10/03/2021 20:47

If you do feel uncomfortable with calling the police then go to a and e. I think after reading the other posters comments that's really sensible. I think you need to do tonight though. Surely there is a certain time frame for these things? I think you need to take some sort of action tonight. It's more than likely innocent, but you just don't know and he's distressed. Ignore anyone minimising, he doesn't have the language to explain what's happened either way. You need a professional.

notanothertakeaway · 10/03/2021 20:48

I work alongside child protection. Not in UK

On this thread, there is some really good advice from professionals, and some well meaning but terrible advice from others

I would suggest take your child to medic centre. They may reassure you no cause for concern. I expect they would contact police if appropriate. Don't contact nursery for explanation. Make a note of what your DS said to you, but don't ask him any leading questions. Police are trained to interview children properly

Maryann1975 · 10/03/2021 20:48

@RootyT00t Do you not think the polices first question would be what have the nursery said?!. That might be the polices first question, but I think once the op explained why she had gone to the police/safeguarding team first, they would understand her reasons for doing so.

Child falls over and grazes their knee or comes home with a child size bite mark on their arm, definitely, speak to the nursery tomorrow, that is not a major drama, it happens. If a Child comes home upset and at bath time Is screaming saying that staff member hurt his bum hole when he touched it and it still hurts now, that is a completely different scenario!

I reckon child protection are like doctors. They would rather be contacted 100 times with things that turn out to be innocent, to make sure they catch the one actual crime that has been committed. (In the same way a doctor would rather see 100 babies with temperatures that turned out to be nothing, but actually see the baby with the potentially fatal illness, than all the parents stay at home worrying until it is too late to help the seriously ill child).

Houseofvelour · 10/03/2021 20:48

Another agreeing you should get him examined asap.
It may well be nothing but I wouldn't take the risk. If anything has happened, the sooner he gets looked at, the sooner they could find evidence.

JosieJarker · 10/03/2021 20:48

Well something obviously has happened because the boy is in pain and distress.
Not necessarily the worst case something.
But at the very least the worker needs training how to be more gentle with the children.
Ive changes and wiped little bums thousands of times, not once have I ever hurt a child doing it.
The worst case needs ruling out before anything else.

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:48

@notanothertakeaway

I work alongside child protection. Not in UK

On this thread, there is some really good advice from professionals, and some well meaning but terrible advice from others

I would suggest take your child to medic centre. They may reassure you no cause for concern. I expect they would contact police if appropriate. Don't contact nursery for explanation. Make a note of what your DS said to you, but don't ask him any leading questions. Police are trained to interview children properly

Thank you for sensible advice from child protection.
notyourhandmaid · 10/03/2021 20:49

You can take it seriously without accusing anyone (for now). Talk to the manager there in a non-confrontational way - how they handle this will tell you a lot about the dynamic there.

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:50

[quote Maryann1975]**@RootyT00t* Do you not think the polices first question would be what have the nursery said?!*. That might be the polices first question, but I think once the op explained why she had gone to the police/safeguarding team first, they would understand her reasons for doing so.

Child falls over and grazes their knee or comes home with a child size bite mark on their arm, definitely, speak to the nursery tomorrow, that is not a major drama, it happens. If a Child comes home upset and at bath time Is screaming saying that staff member hurt his bum hole when he touched it and it still hurts now, that is a completely different scenario!

I reckon child protection are like doctors. They would rather be contacted 100 times with things that turn out to be innocent, to make sure they catch the one actual crime that has been committed. (In the same way a doctor would rather see 100 babies with temperatures that turned out to be nothing, but actually see the baby with the potentially fatal illness, than all the parents stay at home worrying until it is too late to help the seriously ill child).[/quote]
I don't disagree, but I do disagree with some of the posts.

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