Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL owes us £7k. Should we take him to court?

191 replies

cally8019 · 10/03/2021 16:07

Backstory

Me and DH have been together 25 years, married for 20 in the summer. We have 4 DC- 22,18, 11 and 9 and twins due in May.

I have never got on with my mother and father in law- DH has had brief, informal contact with them with the DC but I haven’t seen my MIL for nearly 18 years.

Completely different story with BIL- he cut of his parents (they are very controlling and narcissistic- DH and BIL have an elder sister who was very clearly the favourite for a long time and I have never even met her) and me and him have always got on really well and he was a great support to us with the children growing up, starting our businesses etc. If he babysat or did a days work for us- we would always pay him even if he insisted we didn’t.

Anyway....fast forward to 6 months pre lockdown. BIL separated from his long term partner and came to me and DH for a loan of 10k. Keep in mind this was a week after me receiving a sizeable inheritance and a house from my grandmother. We move him into the house (rent free on the premise utilities etc would be his responsibility) and gave him the loan to get a solicitor to help fight for shared custody of his children.

So naturally it is 18 months later- and we have received 3 grand back, despite assurances he would pay us back within the year. We have a son we are financially supporting at university, 2 in private education and we have literally virtually ZERO income at the moment as both our businesses while they can function in lockdown we aren’t getting the clientele. We are literally living off my grandmothers inheritance which will run out in about 4 months time.

He has been working, has money to splash about on expensive toys for his DC (he spent at least 2k on them at Christmas), isn’t paying rent (thanks to us) and is walking around in designer clothes. Don’t get me wrong we aren’t going without and neither are our children- but he is taking the piss. Then last week- booked a fucking holiday to Disney world “because my babies have missed so much this past year” for Christmas time. Not being funny but the price of that holiday could of paid us off!

When we text/ring it’s constant excuses I’m not working (he is according to his Facebook business page), it will be next month yada yada. We can’t physically go round obviously and it is 200 miles away that he is now living.

DH won’t talk about it. He wants to just “leave it” when he can’t fucking see we are going to be up shit creek very soon and this money would at least buy us 2/3 months!!!

OP posts:
GU24Mum · 10/03/2021 19:04

The heart of the problem though is your DH. He needs to be on board and he needs to get on the case urgently with your brother. Without that you aren't going to get anywhere. I've been involved with some family dramas and ultimately, if the one person with any say doesn't step up, you're stuffed.

I think your e-mail has the wrong tone too - sorry!

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2021 19:04

Yep I like occa but wouldn't threaten legal action just yet

oil0W0lio · 10/03/2021 19:05

all that stuff about 'you did this you did that' will just be used by him to tie you in knots with OP
you need to be more strategic, he has been!

Porridgeoat · 10/03/2021 19:05

Paragraph 3 and 4 work really well. You lay out your situation and explain wht the cash needs to be returned urgently.

Paragraph 1 2 and 5 are preachy, officious and threatening. Are you intending to get his back up?

You need to appeal to his better side. Get him to empathise. Tell him your finances are in a worryingly difficult predicament and you could loose the house. Please can he pay you all the cash this month even if it means taking out a loan.

oil0W0lio · 10/03/2021 19:10

You need to appeal to his better side
he dont got one!
this man has made off with her cash and is living rent free in their property, he now owns them and is laughing at them

occa · 10/03/2021 19:13

Too many unfortunatelys in mine. Must proofread better. Blush

But make it shorter and more factual. Personally I wouldn't threaten legal action either, that's pretty full-on when you haven't even discussed it properly yet, by the sounds of it.

It really doesn't matter what he's spent money on or even what your financial situation is so try to take the emotion out of it. All that matters is that he committed to repay you and he hasn't. He needs to find a way.

Porridgeoat · 10/03/2021 19:13

Start nicely, then go the legal route

MintyMabel · 10/03/2021 19:27

Plenty of people giving plenty of options but none of them ever seem to work. What exactly did you want to do with a house you won’t sell and won’t rent out?

In which case, you shouldn’t have given him money you couldn’t afford to be without.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2021 19:29

Why aren’t you telling him straight? Lawyers tend to give 14 days. So...

Dear Moneygrabbingtosser

The outstanding balance of £7k we leant to you is now overdue. We will need it in within the next 14 days otherwise we will be forced to default on (our dc’s) tuition fees. Please organise for this to be paid in full by Thursday 25th March 2021. Bank details are xyz.

Additionally I am no longer in a position to continue to allow you to stay rent free at my property (include address). To this effect I am instructing an estate agent to visit the house to ascertain a figure for sale and rent.

I am sure you appreciate we have been subsidising you for some time and anticipate you are now ready to move to more permanent accommodation. I am expecting this to happen within the next 4 weeks.

I look forward to receiving payment in full.

Regards

SunshineCake · 10/03/2021 19:35

Attaching all the screenshots is very confrontational.

ScoobyCat · 10/03/2021 19:36

Just tell him that you need the money back now, even if it’s in an email-

Hi BIL,

We are struggling for money and urgently need the 7k that we lent you, please can you let us know when you can transfer it over ?

No need for waffling on, it will just make him defensive.

You also need to get some advice about your money because it sounds like you are heading for real financial difficulties.

Cherrysoup · 10/03/2021 19:45

Leave out the bit about the presents, that’s unnecessary. Don’t tell you will rent if he doesn’t do such and such. Tell him it’s going on the market, you’ll be up to view the property as soon as you’re allowed to see agents to put it up for rent. He has to go. He can’t stay there, what with owing the money and taking the piss as he does.

oblada · 10/03/2021 19:45

I don't have a solution for you OP however do think this "legal action' through. Assuming you win the next step is to recover the money. This would involve bailiffs or an attachment to earnings order. He doesn't own a property and given he lives in your house he may not have that much that the bailiffs would be allowed to take. Is he employed somewhere? If so then attachment to earning would be an option.
Just think it through before threatening to make sure it's worth pursuing.

Re your email - way over the top. A quicker - you owe us money, we are really struggling and need it back, would be best. No point criticising his spending choices really as it's neither here nor there. He can do as he wishes with his money but he should be repaying you. Focus on that.

Wiredforsound · 10/03/2021 19:56

Your email is terrible. Don’t sent it. You’ve made it emotional and you come across as a spoilt brat. Just tell him you need him to vacate by x date and/or pay the full amount or you will have the matter over to your solicitors.

Veterinari · 10/03/2021 20:02

@ScoobyCat

Just tell him that you need the money back now, even if it’s in an email-

Hi BIL,

We are struggling for money and urgently need the 7k that we lent you, please can you let us know when you can transfer it over ?

No need for waffling on, it will just make him defensive.

You also need to get some advice about your money because it sounds like you are heading for real financial difficulties.

Yep this.

Leave out the criticisms in his spending and the threats
They aren't constructive

Also speak to your husband

GreenlandTheMovie · 10/03/2021 20:02

@cally8019

I don't see how im coming up with excuses when it is illegal for me to travel there at the moment- and I don't have the money to pay an agent!
Its not illegal to travel to market or maintain rental properties. So you can travel to your property if you are carrying out work with an intention of getting into a state where you can rent it out in future (to someone else preferably).

Your email is far too long and too detailed. And tell him when the phone call will be, don't ask him.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 10/03/2021 20:06

We have plenty of Facebook messages, texts/what’s app with him clearly agreeing it was a loan not a gift.

OP, make sure you have screenshots of all these messages, in case he tries to delete them.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/03/2021 20:06

Screenshot those messages before they disappear.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/03/2021 20:07

Sweet Jesus don't send that

Keep it short and precise

BIL - we urgently need to discuss a repayment schedule for your outstanding loan. We are really struggling. Let's zoom on Sunday? 10.30?

HTH1 · 10/03/2021 20:12

@Mummyoflittledragon

Why aren’t you telling him straight? Lawyers tend to give 14 days. So...

Dear Moneygrabbingtosser

The outstanding balance of £7k we leant to you is now overdue. We will need it in within the next 14 days otherwise we will be forced to default on (our dc’s) tuition fees. Please organise for this to be paid in full by Thursday 25th March 2021. Bank details are xyz.

Additionally I am no longer in a position to continue to allow you to stay rent free at my property (include address). To this effect I am instructing an estate agent to visit the house to ascertain a figure for sale and rent.

I am sure you appreciate we have been subsidising you for some time and anticipate you are now ready to move to more permanent accommodation. I am expecting this to happen within the next 4 weeks.

I look forward to receiving payment in full.

Regards

This is good.
Dragongirl10 · 10/03/2021 20:15

Op you are missing something important here, BEFORE you send him anything you need to speak to a property lawyer..
I am a Landlord and you are in a risky situation trying to remove him as you have no legal documentation, l am not sure of the ramifications, your rights and his, but you need to know all the facts before you do anything....he may have squatters rights, which could cost you dearly, he may have other rights due to Covid.

I do not know the law, but the outcome of a lawyers advice may well dictate your actions, so please spend the money for an hour of advice, it may save you many thousands of pounds.

Lorieandrews · 10/03/2021 20:17

@Dragongirl10

Op you are missing something important here, BEFORE you send him anything you need to speak to a property lawyer.. I am a Landlord and you are in a risky situation trying to remove him as you have no legal documentation, l am not sure of the ramifications, your rights and his, but you need to know all the facts before you do anything....he may have squatters rights, which could cost you dearly, he may have other rights due to Covid.

I do not know the law, but the outcome of a lawyers advice may well dictate your actions, so please spend the money for an hour of advice, it may save you many thousands of pounds.

I said this

Tenants are protected with 6 months eviction. It depends how long he’s been there. Plus if he pays rent. This will further impede them

percheron67 · 10/03/2021 20:35

He is taking advantage. Make him move out, stop supporting hime and then come to an agreement about the money. He has you on a piece of string whilst he is living in your house. Are you certain he is not running up huge utiluty bills?

St0neChat · 10/03/2021 20:40

I agree
Send him email & registered letter & phone call stating the facts
You lent him X
He owes you Y
You need the full amount by X date or Y per 1st of each month
You don't need to say why you need the money
You don't need to mention that you have seen him spending
You could say that you have been generous in letting him stay rent free, but due to non payment of the loan, circumstances have changed & you need payment

Your DH should be supporting you

You are allowed to travel for work purposes & this falls under "landlord"

DropDTuning · 10/03/2021 20:43

Gosh, twins!