To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

I did wonder what it would be like having grandparent help. Everyone seemed to assume we would have (midwives and HV assumed we had without any evidence! People at church didn't offer any help as they assumed we had family making us meals etc when DD was newborn). We only have one grandparent still alive, she's 4 hours away and not interested in being involved - she only saw DD 3 times in 2019! I would have loved someone to have taken DD for an hour or two especially in the early days but I only got a break when DH was at home, whereas other mums had a mum or MIL giving them a regular help out each week so they could do things like an exercise class without the baby. I do think my severe PND was partly because of the lack of support.
It wasn't so much babysitting for a night out that we struggled with, it was cover for things like me having dentist appts - DH had to take a whole day off work to cover one ten min appt!
Once DD started nursery it became a lot easier as we basically paid for the support we lacked - we budgeted for a few extra days in nursery in case one of us was ill (pre-Covid!). With hindsight I really wish now that we'd paid for a half day or two in nursery for DD from tiny, as they took them from six weeks and it would have given me so much more support than we had.
Of course, we didn't have to contend with opposing points of view (although my DM is a nightmare for telling you how it should be done on the few occasions we see her!) but our lack of support has been a factor in not having more children - have no idea who we'd have even left DD with to go to the hospital to give birth to another!

Yes i didnt think about it much pre dc, but have missed having parents/ in laws around so much. I'm very envious of those who get help, it must make such a difference.

Df is dead and dm has dementia so cant help. I have to help her. Makes me so sad as they are local and would have loved to be grandparents. Pil are miles away and have visited once in 8 yrs- no support at all.

A factor in having dc2 by elcs was having no one to look after dc1 if i went into labour at night. And what makes me most sad is knowing my dc will never have a close relationship with a grandparent.

I know no one irl who never has help from any grandparent. In lock down a lot of friends have said how hard it has been without grandparents to help and i think welcome to my world. Moan over now!

I wish we had more family help but we don’t. What some people are describing here sounds so alien and it makes me sad.

We never expected or asked for regular childcare. We are very happy with nursery but my god, I’d love to have a couple of hours with my husband once every few months during the weekend to get jobs done or get a break.

My parents moved hundreds of miles away by choice when my first was a few months old. I had to smile and pretend I was happy for them when they suddenly announced the move and showed me photos of their new house but inside I was breaking. I was so sleep deprived and totally desperate. I will never forget that. I promised myself there and then that I would do all I could to help out with my grandchildren when the time comes.

PIL live a 40 minute drive so closer but not very close by. I have local friends whose parents live very near PIL who (pre Covid) visited every week for the day. They complain they visit them too much!

I make a very conscious effort to not stand in the way of my children and their grandparents relationship but it’s changed my relationship and feelings towards them all.

I lived with my parents, DH and DD from when she was 7 months - 13 months. As much as we wanted our own place, I miss having them around so I could have time to shower in the middle of the day, or just sit down by myself for a while. Then we moved 80 miles away 🤔

I am the Granny that I wish I could have had. Daughter 48 pay for my apartment and I am chief of staff. Doctors appointments, Dentist, kids to school and pick up, pick up sick kids from school, swim lessons, drum lessons and so much more. Buy groceries. I know how much it means to her and the kids know to call me if they need essentials. I love it! Makes my life meaningful. Other GP-never help. Don't want to be tied down but never do anything.

Yes - I feel like I made a big mistake to move so far away from parents when mine were smallish. I moved away from an area where many people lived who didn't live near the grandparents. I assumed that would be the same where I moved to. It's difficult not to feel some envy when everyone else around you has that help and support.

What I found most irritating though was people's refusal to pay for babysitters ever because they relied on grandparents all the time - so social plans had to be made around grandparents' availability. Whereas, even when I lived near mine we sometimes used babysitters too. Plus, there was never any need for reciprocal helping each other out. Mine are way past the babysitting age now and really I just miss my mum being near so I can enjoy her company - especially during this past year of lockdown.

But yes, life is so much easier with dependent children if you have someone you can rely on to help out when you need it - even if it is just someone to give one a lift while you are busy picking up the other child in a different part of town.

I lived far away from my parents, so they could not help. DH's parents were local, but never offered once to have DC. I think one of them picked DD up from school once in an emergency. That's it.

I have DGC's now and my biggest wish is that I could have retired or worked part time when my DGS's were little. We took them on weekends - Saturday lunch to Sunday afternoon - every other week before CV, and DH would have them for a couple of hours on a weekday if needed, but I wish we had been able to do more. I have taken older DGS for a week's holiday, and will do so again once it is safe.

I feel truly sorry for my lovely DIL who has not really had a break in the past year since our schools have been closed. I have been WFH, so have offered drop off of the boys on a weekday for a long lunch, but we haven't been able to do it very often.

I can't wait to have them indoors and to sleep over. Just praying for this to be over enough to do so.

Never had any help: we were slightly older parents, and our parents were older parents too (the war ...) so no grandparent help at all because too far away, then dead or too ill. Likewise siblings scattered, some in the UK ( but a minimum of 2 hours away) or overseas. Then my spouse fell ill and died when the kids were under 10 ... All a bit of a nightmare really, but we're all alive, in good health, although the kids are dependant in ways other kids don't seem to be, and all are uncertain, and struggle a bit at school (we still as a culture prize bombast and self-confidence). That's life. Not a bowl of cherries, but not poverty in the Third World either. The kids are healthy and smart enough, but they a bit too unconfident and cautious to fly high - as yet.

Funny moments too: like being reported to social services because I wasn't able to be in three places at the same time: that was a bit awks, but fortunately social services decided there was nothing to see ...

You have to deal with what you have, not what you'd like to have. And keep (and pass on) a broad sense of humour!

I think it depends on the child. We only have one MIL nearby and she was well into her 80s when DCs were born, and doesn't drive etc. She was great at having them occasionally if I went to the supermarket, or the doctors, but I had to take them to hers. No evening babysitting or anything. But even that support was very welcome.

But both my DCs were reasonably easy. They would stay with grandma, happy to be put down, slept when they should etc. I used to go out into the garden and leave them in a Moses basket nearby, or leave them in a playpen indoors and check through the windows. So not having much support was never really a big deal. I think if you have babies who need more from their Mum then it must be so difficult, and I would have struggled massively.

It will pass. Good luck, and enjoy these times as much as you can. Mine are at secondary now and my babies have gone forever..,

No grandparent support here, and it’s hard not to envy those who!

I had actively involved grandparents as a child. They didn’t provide tons of structured childcare, but we did hang out with them all the time. I was the 11th grandchild on one side (out of 16!) and yet I was never made to to feel anything other than totally loved and special.

It’s not the childcare support that I wish for (although it would be nice) but that my child had more people (not just mum and dad) who she was close to and who unconditionally loved her.

[quote Squish3]@Milkthecow I feel you with the baby not being put down in the day 😓 it makes things so hard! I have 4.5 month old who naps 3x a day on me and nowhere else 😓 have mine and DH parents locally but unfortunately none of them are that interested! DH works offshore for 3 or 4 weeks at a time so quite often it’s just me and baby for 4 weeks seeing absolutely nobody else due to covid 😔[/quote]
I really feel for you Squish3. We never lived anywhere near either set of parents and my husband worked extremely long hours and also brought work home with him. We'll skate over the amount of bridge playing he did, and TBH he worked so hard he probably needed it... I used to get unbelievably tired and miserable and if one of the children was ill, it was really tough. But babies don't stay demanding in the same way for ever, and this pandemic will end at some point. It will get better - honest!

@PeggyHill

My parents and ILs live on the other side of the world. It would sometimes be nice if they were closer. It can be tough doing everything on your own.

I preferred being just the three of us, I never asked for advice nor did I respond to any outside comments/'advice'. Being 1200 miles away was bliss!

@hansgrueber

I can see where you're coming from. My SIL regularly complains about how interfering her parents are. I suppose I've never had to deal with that sort of thing.

My own grandmother actually gave up work to look after me when I was born!! Granted she was only a couple of years off retirement age but with the retirement age constantly raising I can’t imagine that happening today!

That's not my experience ERFFER. My mum and grandma (born in the 1940s and 1920s respectively) both worked full time. It's me who works part time (4 days a week).

I never had grandparents support, they were too busy. I had a terrible hard time with my daughter but that's tough had get on with it. I now have a granddaughter who I adore and will do anything for. Unfortunately her mother my daughter is very jealous of the love and attention I give my granddaughter I find this so strange. My daughter was I suppose spoilt and she wants that to continue at nearly 40! It is very unpleasant and the pandemic has made matters much worse. I am hoping to find someone who needs/wants a grandmother to help out and look after children occasionally.

We have four very active parents and we would be lost without them. I think the saying "It takes a village" is underestimated in today's society. I hope to be as involved with my grandchild are both of our sets of parent are.

@ERFFER

We are a “tricked” generation of woman, sadly They wanted us to have “everything “ , family AND work - but not set up the system to help us. Mothers, a generation before us, maybe would’ve worked only a few p/t hours -and their own mothers mayn’t have worked at all. So were available for not only child care- but simple parental support and advice in raising children. Most of us are now trying to do it by ourselves- grans too young to be retired , or (in my case) still have a career of their own and won’t be retiring too whenever the government changes it to next!

sighes in feminist disappointment

And tbh, a lot of my friends who have “available “ grandparents , are finding that it’s a negotiation to get them to actually help - especially when the baby is young. They may take the baby out for a random day, but won’t commit to anything further or give mum a night off when she actually needed it in the first year.

I disagree, there is so much childcare available, flexible working requests etc that it’s perfectly possible to work and raise children. Lots just don’t want to pay for childcare though.

As for grandparents not being committed or giving mums a night off, why should they? It’s hardly unknown that life changes dramatically when children come along so nights off mean the other parent does the parenting that night or a sitter is booked rather than expect others to facilitate it.

We are so incredibly lucky to have my mum for support. I count my blessings every day that she is such a wonderful nana.

She's on furlough at the moment so she has been incredible in the childcare department. Pre-COVID, the arrangement was always that she would have DS for 1.5 days on her days off which saved us two days' nursery fees (as I take the other half day off). What actually happened was she cared for him 5 days per week when I returned from maternity and she was on furlough and nurseries were closed. Now we're back to the 1.5 day arrangement but as she's still on furlough, she will always be there at the drop of a hat for him - eg if he's sent home from nursery unwell, she'll care for him whilst we work.

My brother's wife had a baby in November so her relationship with her has been a little different, as my brother and his wife understandably have anybody meet baby for quite some time, and even when we did, it was with face masks and at a distance at Christmas when permitted.

They've started to struggle in the past 6 weeks or so and needed some support so mum now provides childcare for them too, taking baby for a walk for 2-3 hours once/twice a week to give my sister-in-law a bit of a break. She would very happily do longer but baby is breastfed.

Honestly, she's just incredible. She's going to really struggle going back to work and being away from her grandchildren. She keeps saying if she could afford to retire now, she'd have both of them 5 days a week whilst we all work, bless her soul.

I take my hat off to all parents who get by with very little/no support. These little people are absolutely incredibly blessings but it can be so hard sometimes, and to have no downtime must be really tough.

I never had children (nor, obviously GCs), but met my present partner just before she became a grandparent. I was lucky enough to be allowed to assume the role of granddad. When I first had to go solo looking after just one GC, I remember thinking, how do parents manage on their own?! I always knew I'd get a break in a few hours time and there was another GP only 10 minutes walk away if I got desperate! Most of the time I loved it, but although it could be frightening if there were problems, I could cope because I knew that support was there if I'd needed it.
Anyhow, 22 years later we still have a range of six GC from 3 to 20 and we love any opportunity to spend time with any of them. So I'd say, don't be afraid to ask GPs for help (in moderation!): you may be offering them something they really want. And if you're short of suitable GPs, are there older aunts, & uncles, or even retired friends who might enjoy helping out? Not all will and, of course, you will have to be confident in their suitability. But I feel blessed to have been allowed to take on this role.

I agree it is hard being without family. We were in this position of not having help or support and also dealt with our middle child dying as a young baby. Neither of our families lived near so it was understandable we didn't have practical help. We didn't get a whole heap of emotional support either (for various reasons) although friends were there for us. I think what I've always found the hardest though is knowing that in life's lottery it's often those who had great parents and childhoods themselves who also had this support later on (not always obviously- I don't want to generalise and I totally respect GPs who have busy lives). In our case, it was tough but we're so proud of our kids.

Im so so sorry to hear that Gin.

Ive recently been musing too how unfair lifes lottery really is. If you have difficult childhood like you say you often dont have any emotional or practical support as an adult (even the type of support that ogten people dont recognise as support unless you don't have it - someone to chat to occasionally who is interested would have made a difference...). Also with high ACEs comes higher chance of struggles as an adult , mental health struggles, lack of self confidence etc. The push up in life you get from having a caring family is huge.

We've not ended up having done financially very well (see lack of confidence/direction etc) despite achieving well. I am so proud of my kids though. We've not been perfect but they will feel very loved. We can't support financially but we can be there for them as they grow up and be interested in their kids if they have any. They wont have the support of bank of mum and dad and the leg up into careers/houses but they will have us and I now think that's actually hige in comparison to what I had.

@Franklyfrost

Those who have child care on tap live in a different world: if I want to have a break my partner needs to look after the children and vice versa. If we want to leave the house together then the children have to come. Before the youngest started nursery I couldn’t go to the dentist or doctor or optician or hospital without bringing the children. Not to mention the cost of childcare putting a stake through my career.

That said we’re very lucky as a family in lots of other ways which I’m sure we take for granted.

Reading this is like reading about a different world. We never expected childcare of any kind from grandparents and just got on with it. I became a registered childminder in the end, after a year of working full time, and was juggling my own babies and looking after other people’s children. This went on for years so the idea of anyone helping is totally alien, My parents lived hundreds of miles away and visits meant looking after them really though they adored the children. My DH’s parents were lovely but elderly.

I haven’t known any better and had no expectations so reading these stories seems a peep into another world. My oldest son had textbook ADHD and my youngest learning disability which led to me finally giving up child mining as he needed too much care / appointments.

A different life and I read with fascination!