To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

@Milkthecow YANBU at all!

However...

This is a bit of a double edged sword.

I know a few people whose parents died before their kids were born OR whose parents died when the kids were very young (like under 5.) OR they just simply had no relationship with them.

Basically, as has been said, life is definitely easier with young children, when you have parental support. And GOOD support, not parents or in-laws taking over, and judging, and telling you you're wrong in everything you're doing...

I have heard quite a number of people say they felt envious and bitter and even angry that they had no support, when they were seeing people around them dropping their kids off at the grandparents from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening, and having the grandparents around helping them look after the (grand)kids, and taking them on shopping trips, and daytrips to the beach.

They even go on holiday with them... (And look after the (grand)kids whilst the parents go out for the night, and then let them have a lie-in the next day...) Or they look after the grandkids while the parents go off for an afternoon. It's natural to feel upset and bitter if you don't have this with your parents for whatever reason...

As has been said, I don't think people realise how much easier their life is when they have good, strong support.

But there are 2 sides to it. Some people who are just alone (or with their partner and the kids,) with no family support; often end up with a much closer relationship with their children, than the ones who spent half their life at granny's, or auntie Lisa's, or grandad's house.

They also often end up less spoiled and better behaved, because they didn't have grandparents letting them get away with stuff, and undoing the work/rules the parents had done.

In addition, the people who have no parental support with their kids, (often because their parents died before the kids were born/when the kids were young,) don't have the stress and worry of looking after elderly parents.

Many people who had their parents alive when their kids were growing up (and got that support,) get to middle age, have teenage children, and now have elderly - and sometimes infirm - parents to look after. The sandwich generation they're called.

Middle aged parents (usually WOMEN,) are expected to run around after the teen/adolescent children, look after their own home, hold down a job, AND look after the elderly parents, and sometimes the in-laws!

So the Universal balance restores itself. The people who had no help with their kids when they were young, (coz their parents died, or their parents didn't give a shit and they now have no relationship with them,) can sit back in middle age, and watch their peers (who they were so envious of,) running themselves ragged, being a servant to their (now) elderly parents... And they will expect it after being an unpaid childminder to their grandkids for a number of years!!!

So it may seem hard now, but just sit back and wait... Your time to relax will come. Many of your peers who have all the parental help now, will be run ragged looking after them in 15 years or so!!!

I do have to agree with a pp though, that you shouldn't depend on them to look after your children all the time, or blame them for having to give up your career! (As one poster did!) But some support when you need it, and taking them on picnics and day trips, and giving you a break now and again, is just a decent thing to do.

Our children's grandparents on my husband's side are incredibly hands off so no help there and my parents live several hours away. I have definitely noted the advantages parents with active grand-parent involvement have and my husband and I will endeavour to provide our own children with this when their time comes.

Similarly, while both sets of parents could help us financially neither ever have - entirely their choice and of course no expectation from us but there is a marked difference in lifestyle for our peers earning similar wages to us but who have financial support from family. Basically I've realised that having parents who are time and money supportive really does give people a massive leg up - hope to be in this position with my kids.

Pros and cons tbh.

Our son has grandparents but for various reasons it won’t ever be an option to leave him with them. Maybe a sleepover when he’s eight or nine. But certainly no childcare.

But I’m okay with it, I’ve seen the hassle it can cause to have grandparents really involved with regular childcare, the stress and disagreements. As much as it’s harder doing it all on our own I still think I prefer it to the alternative. I see it as he’s our son and we chose to have him and our responsibility so it’s certainly not a bad thing that grandparents can’t or don’t want to be more involved. It absolutely blows my mind when I see posters complain grandparents ‘don’t do enough’. They’ve done their child rearing!

Sometimes I get sad read I g about people with time off thanks to families etc. Then I remember what family are actually like and how most people just complain (endlessly) about their wishes and boundaries being firmly and repeatedly trounced.

I think I just couldn't trust someone who wSnt a professional again.

And yes. I didn't have children to leave them with someone else. Some people do make me uncomfortable posting about needing a break so much. Probably speaks to my own childhood though. I don't judge anyone for want I g some time out sometimes. It's just when it's a regular thing. I do feel bad for kids who don't have a choice but be "close" to grandparents.

As a grandmother I helped a lot which enabled us to have a really close relationship which is a reward we cherish. So it is a two way benefit.

Neither did I B33 and I do want to be clear on that. I adore my baby but the nature of her at the moment is full on and if I could just have a couple of hours a week it would make a huge difference in terms of getting boring but essential things done. For instance I’m trying to find some documentation and I don’t want to pay as I know it’s in the house but I don’t get a minute to hunt it down!

Lol. I know people will be looking to me to support my parents in their old age. Im a carer. But they provide zero input to my family right now. My brother and I both hate them. But they haven't prepared well enough for what will be a long retirement they had us young. They don't care about their grandchildren. But no One else will want them either.

*that was to up thread about how if you dodge out on parents you don't have to care for them x

I'd love a break sometimes, maybe go away by myself to see a friend. But this is the life I chose. I know full well my children are better off with me than people who don't care. I'm sure there are blissfully caring grandparents out there. But none at the school gate I've met.

@speakout

It must be amazing to have grandparents to support. We only had one grandparent surviving with small kids, my mother. Although she lived locally and was able didn't ever want to watch the children. I had to give up my career.

You didn't have to do anything.

You chose to have children. You chose to give your career up. It was a choice.

Quite a few people are assuming it's a desire for childcare.

I don't think it really is even that - it's the desire for family. For someone to have cup of tea with and coo over the baby together, someone to ring and talk about the latest thing the baby is doing who will actually care! Someone to have meals with and the child can show their pictures to - someone who can be part of the child's life, and part of the family.

It really isn't just about "childcare". Although having said that I'd have loved having a parent over and just nipped to have a shower/made lunch for us both knowing the parent was cuddling the baby. Or even been able to make hospital apppointments without my partner booking time off work (you can't take a baby to a smear test. I tried the opticians but the baby cried.. ,)

Childcare is great if possible, but as an older mum - my children missed out on seeing other people love them unconditionally. All grandparents dead, their dad has his own issues, and the only family we did still have were either uninterested or too far away. My DDs used to say sadly how they'd heard other kids at school talking excitedly about being picked up by nanny, going out with granddad etc., they are late teens now and still talk so sadly about it.

@changingnames786

I think some people need to realise that this is what a lot of families will be giving up having children later. Ive noticed a lot of snobbery around having children younger and when they hear how old my parents were when they became grandparents. I'm not saying it guarantees anything, some grandparents will be hands on at 80, others won't be at 50, but having young grandparents has been one of the "pros" for us having kids younger (that's not to say we don't have cons too!)

I'm a young grandparent of 4 and still have my own grandparents 😊

Quite a few people are assuming it's a desire for childcare.

I don't think it really is even that - it's the desire for family. For someone to have cup of tea with and coo over the baby together, someone to ring and talk about the latest thing the baby is doing who will actually care! Someone to have meals with and the child can show their pictures to - someone who can be part of the child's life, and part of the family.

I agree. We've never used our parents as regular childcare as they live too far away. But it's just nice having them as part of the fabric of my son's life. Having my FIL chase my DS around the garden and play hide and seek with him while MIL and I chat about gardening and nursery and things like that is just lovely. It's so nice when parenting is "shared" in this way (one person makes dinner, one person reads books or plays games) and it's not just me trying to do everything on my own. Parenting can be very lonely sometimes.

@skinneryu

Also I find it quite stressful when mother in law visits as he it just doubles my work load ( if partner is at work) she is then just another person I have to make tea for. Sort food out. She basically just watches me parent and I find it stressful for example last time my toddler wouldn't walk in the same direction as us and she just watched me trying to Reason with him and picking him up etc as he was all over the place in the street I normally wouldn't take him in street/ road areas but she said she would hold his hand ( which didn't end up happening ). I had horrendous morning sickness as currently pregnant with 2nd child it would have been nice if she would have said she would take him for a walk in the buggy so I could have an hour rest but no I just had her stuck with me most of the day watching what I was doing.

Have you asked her to help/explained what you need? Often people on here moan about MiLs interfering and doing things wrong? I may be wrong about your MiL but she might be afraid to be accused of this. On the other hand she might just be useless but even so you won't lose anything by asking and you might even shame her into helping a bit!

My mum has been a godsend in the event of an emergency as she lives over the road. But apart from that she has done her bit of child rearing - her words.

My dad is still working but said he will help when he retires. MIL is lovely but lives a long distance away. I'm sure going at it alone contributed to my PND.

Just realised I was on a similar thread last month: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4168976-older-parents-older-grandparents

My mum died when I was 13 so its particularly sad that my kids had no grandparents - my dad died when I was 35 and i had my first child at 38. I was always a big champion of waiting to have children, dont rush in etc., but of course I wish I had more time with them now, I've got late teens whilst I'm not in great health and planning retirement . If my mum had lived she'd be 100 on 23rd March! Sorry don't know where I am going with this, thread has made me feel very low today but I appreciate the chance to say so if that makes sense.

I admit to being very jealous of those people who are able to work and not pay child care because the grandparents look after them. Or the grandparents that have the kids for a weekend so the parent can get a break.
My mum had both of this type of help. I get neither.

I have had this support, and have been able to see both sets of grandparents weekly (apart from during lockdown). I am very grateful and I feel that being on your own with small children although common and many parents just get on with it (including mine, whose parents lived 1000s of miles away) mustn’t be how we are designed as humans. Being within a group including grandparents or other parents and all working together to care for the various children in our family / friendship circle have been the best bits of being a parent. Even the tedious bits are alleviated by having other adults involved and having that shared experience.

Nana here! I am in a bubble with my daughter, son in law and beautiful 6 month old granddaughter. I can't understand gps who don't want to help etc. My daughter has had awful anxiety pre and post baby and I feel privileged to have spent so much time with my gd. It's so wonderful to see how she's developing, reaching milestones, weaning. With my children life was so busy and I didn't always appreciate living in the moment with them. Now I really can and feel so blessed.
Maybe having such a close relationship with my daughter has helped, and I am lucky my daughter lives a mile away.
All you mums with no support I totally salute you!

It makes a huge difference, as do aunts and unless close by, or even siblings old enough to really help out.

I think societally we've tended to play down what it means when there isn't extended family help. People have kids later so grandparents are more elderly. Or moving away from family for work is so common, in many cases expected.

But it has huge consequences in terms of family function.

I never had any help from my parents ,or PIL when my two children were born, as myself and late Husband lived 70 miles away from all of them. But I didn't need any help, as it was no problem to cope at all. When my children were older, one aged four, and daughter one year old, we went to live in the USA for three years, so no child care there at all, and all before the advent of face time and zoom stuff..

Yes - grandparents who are interested, keen to help, and respectful of the parents' preferences make an enormous difference to a family. I don't have DCs myself, but my DM did a lot of childcare for my nieces when they were tiny, and my DB and SIL are very involved with their first grandchild. DP also spent loads of time with the DGC who lives near us. It's great for the children to have that relationship, too.

Mine are now 18 and 10 and grandparents young on both sides as in they were only in their 40’s/50’s when they became grandparents.

We have had pretty much zero help from day one. My dad is good and has taken 10yr old dd on a few holidays in the UK and did have her occasionally when she was a toddler if needed. My mum has had her once in her life when she was a baby and dp’s brother got married.

It’s sad when I hear of grandparents who are desperate to see their GC and can’t but mine have theirs all within 15 minutes drive and hardly see them. As a child I was incredibly close to my grandparents and this extended to adulthood and they all made a huge fuss of my kids. Sadly, they are all no longer here and I miss them so much.

I always say that I will be very different if/when I have GC of my own.

I think it works both ways though...all the kids I know who have had active grandparents taking part in their lives when they were very small have grown up close to them and when the grandparents were very frail and elderly in later life, they had a constant stream of loving visitors or even family care which made such a difference to happiness levels.

Grandparents can’t do nothing to help their children’s young families and then expect a crowd around their death bed. It’s likely the grandchildren won’t really give a shit.