To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

I imagine grandparents who are willing and can help make a huge difference. I have many friends who have this and I always wished for this. It was so hard in the early days!

One set of grandparents not local and very elderly. Other set live abroad and have already provided substantial and free childcare for six other grandkids and, deservedly so in my opinion, wanted a break in their 70s.

I don't resent either of them as I don't expect it though nice to have. Luckily, kids have great relationships with both sets of grandparents who are very loving even if they haven't been around that much with the kids. Now the kids are older, I also appreciate how close I am to them having spent so much time with them.

That said, I do tell my kids that if they stay local when older with kids of their own, I'll help in any way I can! I truly do believe it takes a village. Three of my grandparents passed before I could remember them and the remaining one had no interest in her grandkids. Whether the grandparents help or not, I want my kids to have a great relationship with them. I hope to have the same with my grandkids if I'm lucky enough to have them!

To clarify my post above, I'd still help even if my kids didn't stay local. I meant in the sense of being able to pop by easily whenever needed!

I don’t think it should be expected. They have no say in having grandchildren and should be default sitters as parents don’t want to pay for childcare, want a social life, child free time etc.

Your DH should be able to give you time to do jobs etc you want to do around his work if they really can’t be done when you are alone.

Some grandparents are great. Some, including my children's are abusive and a danger. They have drained money, resources, time, energy away from our children's welfare.

I think from the outside things can appear more rosy than they really are.

Irreplaceable for school runs, childminding, buying nice presents, playing with the gcs and just treating them to days out and giving their parents some time out. Win win

I have not had the privilege of grandparent help and yes I think it makes a massive difference.

Due to distance, age and willingness it just hasn't been an option. In laws did watch dc1 for 2 hours at 5 months of age. My mum had the kids in her house once I'd got them to bed on one occasion whilst I met friends. They lasted an hour before they woke 😓 that's it in 6 years.

I have felt jealous towards those with grandparent support, particularly in the full on baby and toddler years. What I would have given for someone to take them overnight - just once even!

I even ended up having an emergency minor op with baby in my arms as I didn't have anyone to take her. Dental appts, smear tests, you name it I've had to bring my baby/ toddler.

I'm out of those full on years now so less desparate but I would still love to be able to drop them off for a bit! Explore your options - babysitters/ nurseries and friends to help out. We ended up taking annual leave when the kids were in nursery and going out for lunch instead of evenings out.

I tell my kids all the time that I will help them and their partners in any way I can if they have dc.

I'd also like to help out my nieces and nephews if they live near enough. I am really looking forward to babysitting and just helping out where am can.

@SandysMam

I think it works both ways though...all the kids I know who have had active grandparents taking part in their lives when they were very small have grown up close to them and when the grandparents were very frail and elderly in later life, they had a constant stream of loving visitors or even family care which made such a difference to happiness levels.

Grandparents can’t do nothing to help their children’s young families and then expect a crowd around their death bed. It’s likely the grandchildren won’t really give a shit.

But that depends entirely on the adult children choosing to curtail their own lives geographically in order to live close to their parents -- which is no small thing. Obviously, it has benefits, but it's not without sacrifice. I've spent most of my own adult life away from my home country until very recently, and will almost certainly live for extended periods in other countries again, and would be very surprised if DS chooses to live in whatever country we're living in when he has the whole world to choose from.

I’m a grandparent and lucky enough to help with childcare, homeschooling etc and I get more than I give. I love helping and I know my DD’s appreciate it.
Is there any chance you could ‘adopt a grandparent’? Obviously you need to know you DC is with someone you can trust absolutely but yes, having a trusted adult to support you would definitely ease your load.

I think it's very sad I have my granddaughters most weekends. I adore them. We have a lovely relationship they are 4 and 18 months. I miss them when I can't have them. I do get tired tho. And my daughter and I still disagree about almost everything else!

Reading your post, was reflecting what I had been thinking. I have one grandchild hardly any contact I love her to bits. I love pushing a buggy, the whole looking after small children bit. I was wondering if there was anyway to become a surrogate grandparent? Such a thing does exist in Australia I know. I would Love to take ypur baby for a long walk while you had a break x

Not all grandparents are like that. I have 1 set live across the park (about a mile) and 1 set about 3 miles away. Got jealous if the other was round for dinner or some thing but did fuck all child care. Now they are older I'm expected to 'do' for them as kids grown. They can bugger off.

My parents (who would have loved to help) sadly both died years ago. MIL was never willing to help while she was able (she came to stay when our DDs were born and demanded special food, laundry done for her and all the attention. Didn't make a single cup of tea and didn't want to touch the the babies in case she got her clothes mucky. Now she not capable and needs our help. DH has to buy extra leave to be able to take time to help her, but she never EVER says thank you or please. Never gives a present or card to the kids (or us) at Christmas or birthday, even though we always give her presents and cards and make a big fuss of her. She is a big burden in terms of needing help, but has never done anything to help us. So honestly, I would rather there wasn't a grandparent.

YANBU. My mum helped a lot when mine were babies. My DH worked from dawn to dusk with a long commute so didn't really see the DC from Monday to Friday. We had also moved to the middle of nowhere when I was pregnant (huge mistake!) so I was very isolated. If my mum hadn't helped I reckon I would have been on my knees with PND. I will be forever grateful to her and hope I can do the same for my DC in the future if they need it. The relationship she has with my children now is just beautiful to see.

I was lucky as she completely respected my parenting decisions and when she looked after them she tried her best to emulate the routines I had in place. I could leave them with her in complete confidence and actually preferred leaving them with her than with their dad! I even went away on holiday for 9 days with DH when they were both under 3 and we would
never in a million years have been able to do that if we hadn't had her.

Having grandparents around is not always the panacea you might think. Some have old fashioned views and think they know best/insist on rubbing rum on the gums of teething babies while babysitting etc.

For anyone in the Essex area.. I would love to be a stand in grandparent. I work in private law child protection and have a fully enhanced DBS. I work part time ad hoc. Sadly my own grown up children do not want children of their own. I have so much to offer, even if it's just taking baby for a walk so you get a break.

I am the opposing argument I guess... I have in-laws who live down the road but Covid has been a godsend.

I get along fine with them and they are fine with the kids. Before covid they fetched the children from school 3 days a week and would even clean my house while I was at work occasionally. I thought it was great ... however... because of covid this stopped.

I had to find a childminder, long story short, the kids are much happier. I am a keyworker so kids kept going to school. Instead of coming home and being plopped down in front of the tv for 2 hours they do activities and play with the childminder.

I am way happier too, yes my house is messier but I no longer have to deal with comments from my MIL about the messy house or the way I run my household. I no longer have them interfering in our business. My DH has been made redundant recently and hasn’t told them... before covid they would have figured it out and been driving him mad asking about how many jobs he was applying for, how we were spending the redundancy package or how interviews were going.

Basically, yes there are perks having grandparents close but there are loads of negatives too. I am not actually looking forward to going back to normal as I don’t want to go back to them having no boundaries.

I am still trying to figure out how to tell them that I won’t be cancelling the childminder because my kids are happier.

Speaking as a grandparent I can't understand grandparents who don't want to help out if able to. My grandchildren give me such joy and love they are the greatest pleasure in my life.

It's great having local grandparents who can help out when needed however the downside for me was them interfering in our lives.
In our case the boundaries were blurred and I often wished they weren't so local and quick to 'help'. If I'd had the money I'd have hired a childminder tbh. Less stress

Yep. It's great.
I had my DC pretty young and all 4 grandparents are still young enough and healthy enough to be around, play games etc.

My MIL won't be 'childcare' & that's fine. But all 3 other grandparents take the DC out, we get a few hours most weeks & it's brilliantly handy at half term etc. when they take them for a whole day or even 2 days between them.

I hope I get the opportunity to be like this & involved in my grandchildren's lives when the time comes.

As soon as I got pregnant with my first my DM told me she wouldn't be available for babysitting. I think she was concerned that I'd want her to look after the baby full time after I went back to work, but the way she put it ruled out any help at all.

For my second I had a doula come in a few hours a day on weekdays when DH was working and having that break everyday was priceless.

My in laws are just wonderful at caring for our youngest (and older kids before they went to school) whilst hubby and I are at work. But they don’t volunteer to let us have any nights out. My parents live further away and can’t help with care whilst we work. They have volunteered to do it occasionally, but because my kids are so unaccustomed to staying in anyone else’s house they don’t want to go. The last night out we had together was my hubby’s 40th birthday in December 2017. Even then our eldest was sick and we had to go and collect them. 😩

Had you thought about maybe just getting a childminder for a few hours a week just for a breather . I do understand how hard it is to have no support it’s very sad that not everyone is lucky enough to have anyone to help out with childcare . But maybe for a few hours a week just to blitz the house have a soak in the tub do the shop ect. It might be worth a thought if you can manage it financially . 🤭

Same here I am in Bedfordshire would love to be a stand in grandparent. I may see if such a thing exists here.

My parents are no longer around.

My in laws are nice enough and have always been (over)involved in our lives and I kind of assumed that would continue when dd was born. If anything I was slightly anxious thinking I might have to deal with them crowding/overstepping somewhat. As it happens theyve been distinctly underwhelmed and underwhelming where she's concerned and are still mostly just bothered about our dog. Seriously- they want visits/ sleepovers with the dog but haven't been at all bothered about seeing her really. I don't know if it would have been different if we weren't in a pandemic, I hope so. Theyve said they don't want to do any childcare which is fair enough , we didn't ask anyway. DH is a bit put put because his own grandparents did loads of childcare for him and his brother and he adored them, I think he sort of imagined dd having that kind of relationship with his parents but at the minute it doesn't seem like it's going to be that way.

I have my older sister, she's actually old enough to be my mum and has children close in age to me and grandchildren of her own, but she's besotted with my daughter and wants to facetime, meet outdoors for walks etc. I can't make her our support bubble as she is in a childcare/support bubble already but I get emotional.support via phone call and walks, and I know that I could call on her in an emergency. But day to day we've nobody really. DD was born before support bubbles were allowed and we haven't really had any help whatsoever, we didn't use to be able to put her down ever and still now she will only contact nap. I hear/read about people holding the baby do you can nap, shower etc and I just can't imagine what that's like. Other mums in an online group I'm in talk about going to their parent's for a break or having their support bubble round so they can get housework done or just have company and I can't really imagine it. Well I can in the sense of I know that's how it would be if my mum was still alive, but it just being me, DH and the baby feels really normal now. Which is both good and bad depending on the day!