Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

[Bottomlesspit21]

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

@Lovelydiscusfish

I realise I’m in a minority here as I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to discuss fairly early on in the getting to know each other stage, as it helps establish whether you have similar values and views concerning sex. My current boyfriend and I actually discussed it on our second date! (He volunteered his number, and I was happy to share mine). It was just part and parcel of talking about our relationship histories really. We also discussed stuff like ONS (whether we had had them in the past, whether we would have them now). And we discussed whether we had ever cheated on anyone. That type of thing.

I found it reassuring to learn he had a history and values similar to my own (basically we’ve both been around a bit - him more than me, but that was more circumstantial - my LTRs have been longer).

There is no right or wrong way to view sex in my opinion, but you need to be with someone who shares your approach and your values. In your opinion OP I would seriously reconsider my relationship with this man, as to me, his views are horribly judgemental and outdated.

I completely agree with you. I think it’s good that people find out about each other more in the getting to know you phase. You can find out whether your values and views around sex, relationships, intimacy, emotions are compatible. I too have found most people are absolutely fine to talk about it and naturally curious anyway. Like you said, it comes up organically when talking about histories, expectations, dating patterns etc. same with cheating.

The answer is that yes it matters to me.
I can understand your partner’s reaction if your numbers are high. I would absolutely not allow him to be horrible about it - now it’s out in the open it’s how he deals with it that matters. Equally, I’d likely have left my partner if his numbers were high. That’s just me. I don’t get involved in others business though, but yes my immediate partner, I want to know early on so I can decide if I’m comfortable with that or not. Good luck to you both 🥰

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’ve never had a ons or dated people for 3 or 4 months. I’ve tried to avoid that type of scenario. So it doesn’t always ‘add up’

No, you might not have: but averages are based on individuals, but broad behaviour across groups. The point was that it doesn’t take throwing your knickers in the air and seeking out people to have casual sex with, to end up with a lifetime total of partners above 5 or 6. Plenty of people spend their twenties and early thirties looking for “the one” to settle down with, and could therefore arrive at a higher than average total through a series of short and medium term relationships, without it saying anything about their supposed “values” or view of what sex should be.

120 people is only 7.5 a year if you've been sexually active since you were 16. It's not the point - your number is no indication of who you are as a person, but 7.5 people a year is hardly extraordinary.

To go to the other extreme, I’d be more worried about the faithfulness of a partner who’s only slept with one person as they might be wondering what they’re missing out on. Go sow those wild oats!

Seriously though, it is none of his business. If someone asked me, I would ask them why they want to know. You know he just wanted to judge you, it’s not like asking what your favourite colour is.

As as for women who have slept with lots of people being insecure: absolute bollocks. I bet no one says that of men who are in the same position.

What is interesting is that some PP with low numbers are calling women with high numbers insecure but the ones with high numbers aren’t feeling the need to label those with low numbers at all. Not even calling them prudes.

@Userengage exactly! Came here to make these points! Lots of assumptions about women feeling insecure if they have a high number. Ffs maybe they just like having sex! I highly doubt they are describing men in triple digits as insecure.

Also totally agree that having many sexual partners does not make your partner more likely to cheat. I'd be more concerned about a DH reaching a certain point in life and worrying he is missing out. I would imagine affairs are just as common in people with a small number of previous partners!

Worry about what the person you are with is like in a relationship, not what they did as a single person. It really doesn't define them.

YANBU. this is one of the reasons why my ex is now my ex, he was judgmental about my number and wish he didn't know. Yuck. I wanted to tell him that maybe if he'd slept with more people himself he might've been a better in bed. but i didn't cause i'm not that mean...most of the time. lol

@Userengage

What is interesting is that some PP with low numbers are calling women with high numbers insecure but the ones with high numbers aren’t feeling the need to label those with low numbers at all. Not even calling them prudes.

Exactly! Also people saying ‘I’m not misogynist because I’d also judge men’... do some critical thinking. The whole idea of sex being something that indicates what type of person you are is based on the sexist premise that it’s something men do to women, rather than a mutually beneficial activity. So if you’d judge a man for high numbers because you think it means he sees woman as objects, then it follows you must think the women he slept with were objectified and had sex ‘done to’ them. Whether you think you’re actively judging women or not, the whole perception of sex as a value indicator is rooted in misogyny. It’s also very heteronormative.

130? Yeah that would bother me 💁‍♀️

Yes it would bother me. I would think that a man who’d had a lot of partners was fickle, and very casual about sex . I am not jealous of my DH’s previous partners , but if he had been very promiscuous I would have assumed we were very different people and not been as interested in him.
So this is more about being compatible with someone, if you have similar attitudes to a partner then I can imagine it wouldn’t matter.

In both men and women, a higher number of sexual partners is associated with increased risk of cancer. In women, there is also a statistically significant positive association between number of sexual partners and risk of limiting long-standing illness.

Interestingly other research amongst prostitutes in Thailand showed a greater correlation between the degree of promiscuity and gynaecological cancers than that between condom use and Gynae cancers. Condoms do not necessarily protect you from cancer 25 years after your partner has been promiscuous.

It isn’t a case of no harm. Promiscuous behaviours in either partner carries latent risks over and above STIs.

@SirVixofVixHall

Yes it would bother me. I would think that a man who’d had a lot of partners was fickle, and very casual about sex . I am not jealous of my DH’s previous partners , but if he had been very promiscuous I would have assumed we were very different people and not been as interested in him. So this is more about being compatible with someone, if you have similar attitudes to a partner then I can imagine it wouldn’t matter.

I agree with this. Also, personally I would worry about how they (the partner) felt about me... because they're obviously not too fussy who they sleep with (nothing wrong with that in and of itself) but I would worry about if they really cared about me as me or just see me as another shag? (again, nothing wrong with casual sex if both parties agree and consent)

Honestly I couldn't care less.

I was myself mightily relieved when my fella volunteered his number and it was high. (Around 75, he estimated - we are in our mid-40s). Because I thought immediately (and I can actually quite viscerally remember this feeling of utter relief washing over me when he said it), well, thank fuck, here is a man who won’t judge me for anything I’ve done, and also is clearly quite experienced so I won’t be having to walk him through everything.

And I don’t especially mean sex there (tho that too). But also he had known a lot of women, a lot of relationships, wouldn’t probably be acting like an ingenue if I ever threw him a curve-ball, for example. To me it was deeply comforting. (This was on the second night of our second date - we turned it from one night into a weekender - so as you can tell I was pretty in to him already, but obviously didn’t know him that well).

No part of me is trying in any possible way to suggest that those of you who have only shagged a small number of people, and whose partners have, and who prefer it that way, are in any way wrong! Not at all - we should all be with someone who makes us feel comfortable, valued and safe. Luckily for all of us, there are many men and women in the world with low numbers, and with middling numbers, and with high! Go forth, everyone, and meet your match! Unless it doesn’t bother either of you of course. The only wild mismatch I had in terms of LTR’s was my most recent ex. In his late 50s and had only shagged two people before me. This was partly circumstantial, but not entirely. Towards the end of the (awful) relationship I shared my (modest, but way greater than his) number, and he judged me HARD. We were just very different.....

130!! I’d raise my eyebrows if a man or women said that to me! 130!!! That’s a massive number.

Are you saying 130 different people or 130 times with the same lot of people?

What does that work out- 8 people a year roughly?

Hats off to you, that must of took up a lot of time and effort! I’ve slept with very few people but I’m in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t change it but sometimes wish I’d met my partner later in life so I could have had some fun first!

Do fuck off @emilyfrost

And that’s putting it politely

OP- it’s not a big deal. At all. Your boyfriend is “slut-shaming” you (not calling you a slut- it’s what he’s inferring).

I’ve slept with around 30 people in the course of my life. Can’t remember exactly.

On the other hand I know someone who took part in an orgy at a sauna and had sex with that roughly that many people in a 24 hour period.

Neither of us are dirty. It’s horses for courses. As long as everyone’s safe, happy and it’s consensual, it’s LITERALLY a non issue for anyone else.

Very much his problem, not yours. Bin him off if he can't get over himself.

I would not be in a relationship with someone who considered a woman who has enjoyed an active sex life ‘dirty’. The number is irrelevant.

Your boyfriend has learnt a life lesson - some things are better left unsaid. This is his problem not yours, if he asks a question and isn’t prepared for the answer then more fool him.

@Userengage

What is interesting is that some PP with low numbers are calling women with high numbers insecure but the ones with high numbers aren’t feeling the need to label those with low numbers at all. Not even calling them prudes.

Yeah, I don't get this either. I don't see what's insecure about it. I can count the number of people I've had sex with on one hand, doesn't mean I'm somehow more "secure" than a woman who has slept with hundreds.

No, it’s no one’s business also I don’t keep count and I had a great time in my twenties! I don’t ask either. I have noticed that decent boyfriends don’t ask-the bad boyfriends do.

I cross paths with one person every 4-5 years that I think I wouldn't mind sleeping with if I had the opportunity.

Never mind if 130 is right or wrong.....I'm amazed at the idea of actually finding 130+ people you'd fancy enough to DTD 😂😂😂

Most people (particularly men) don't want to know. It's all "be honest" unless the number isn't quite low.

I wonder how many posters would dump their OH/DH is they found out now their number was in the high tens or even hundreds.