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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

231 replies

Bottomlesspit21 · 08/03/2021 20:30

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/03/2021 10:05

I’m with AliceLives2021.

No way would l date someone who’d had loads of partners. I’d avoid them as much as possible. We wouldn’t want the same things. How would you know they’d stay faithful if they’d slept with loads of partners?

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/03/2021 10:06

He shouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know.

Meowchickameowmeow · 09/03/2021 10:15

Careful you don't get a nosebleed up there on that high horse

Let's hope she Humpty Dumpty's right off it!

saracorona · 09/03/2021 10:27

No I wouldn't be bothered by the number but then I wouldn't ask or expect to be asked. The only previous lovers I would be interested in would be the parent of their offspring and reasons for break ups and how they talked about them

icantbeliveitsnotbutter · 09/03/2021 10:29

cor some people need to untwist their knickers Grin
It's your body, your life and your business OP. No way it makes you dirty and men would pat their mates on the back for similar numbers. If he doesn't like it then he can do one.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2021 10:37

@WhoAreYah
@secular39

Re insecurity. You should accept that people think differently. I was Widowed in my 30's, didn't want another relationship, my children certainly didn't need another man bringing home, but I still wanted sex. So I had regular fuck buddies and friends with benefits, over the course of seven years. My numbers shot up, but that meant nothing to me. I never caught a STD nether did any of my sexual partners. A few female friends did via their husbands, mainly after stag holidays (were prostitutes were used). After seven years I decided that I wanted another relationship and did so for six years. Relationships aren't sex so having lots of partners doesn't mean that you are more likely to cheat. If anything you're more honest about your needs and proactive.

@Clumsyvolcano, the interesting thing about SDIs is that they came from the misuse of animals, as our coronaviruses/plagues have. Perhaps if we hadn't listened to the claptrap from religions, we wouldn't have released them into the human population, because our needs would be satisfied. But you have the right to pick what's most important to you, you are focused on your sexual health. The more numbers does increase risk, but doesn't mean that you will catch anything and likewise just having sex with one person doesn't mean that you won't. This idea that promiscuous women are diseased or it affects their private parts needs to be recognised as patriarchal misogyny.

A lot of posters have the fixed idea that a long term relationship should be everyone's goal. Well it isn't and doesn't mean that the woman has low self esteem because she isn't after a husband and doesn't want to be the gate keeper of sex. It takes good self esteem to go after what you want, especially when society tells us that as women, we have to behave differently to men.

I've started seeing someone and been open about my fun years. I make no excuses or apologies for my sexual history. It was about fulfilling a need for sex and trying new thingd. For older women who don't want to put up with a grumpy old man, friends with benefits or fuck buddies are common and a lot of women find their numbers go up past 45 because we stop caring what other people think and focus on us.

goodbyelenin · 09/03/2021 10:42

@icantbeliveitsnotbutter

cor some people need to untwist their knickers Grin It's your body, your life and your business OP. No way it makes you dirty and men would pat their mates on the back for similar numbers. If he doesn't like it then he can do one.
It would be a lot weirder if an actual partner was patting someone on the back about it...

Anyone boasting about their previous shags would be a complete turn-off for most normal people. Male or Female. And that's exactly the problem.

I know the OP is not boasting, I am replying to the poster who sound completely immature. And would put off a lot of people, even if they are not even looking for a full on serious relationship.

BashfulClam · 09/03/2021 11:18

I gave no idea what my husbands ‘number’ is and he’s never asked for mine. I don’t think it matters as you could have sex 120 times with one person or 120 times with different people 🤷🏻‍♀️

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/03/2021 15:12

How would you know they’d stay faithful if they’d slept with loads of partners?

Bit if a leap to assume that someone who has had many sexual partners will be unfaithful. We could assume that someone with a small number would then be unfaithful as they worry they have missed out. It is possible to have a lot of casual sex then settle down monogamously.

littlepattilou · 09/03/2021 15:21

@BashfulClam

I gave no idea what my husbands ‘number’ is and he’s never asked for mine. I don’t think it matters as you could have sex 120 times with one person or 120 times with different people 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think there's a glaring difference between those 2 scenarios! Shock
creepingthyme · 09/03/2021 15:42

Honestly speaking I would never become involved with a man that had a number count that high. I would also be concerned about them DTD with strangers whilst "absolutely hammered". Just very different ideas on how we would potentially view sex.

easterbuns1 · 09/03/2021 15:50

I don't give a toss how many people my partner has been with before me, or anyone else for that matter. It's just bizarre to think that a number is so important to some people or that it makes them "dirty".

Countrygirl2021 · 09/03/2021 16:01

I'm completely baffled about how people have slept with 10's or hundreds of different people. I can understand maybe 5 or 6 through different relationships but the figures on here I'm mind blown by Shock

goodbyelenin · 09/03/2021 16:05

I think 100s is honestly off-putting, but 5 or 6... is a bit low Grin

I don't mean I judge as such, who cares, I would just wonder in passing if you ever had a bit of fun.

That said, I am hoping and hopefully encouraging my kids not to settle too young. I would find it very sad if they decided to get married and have a child before they even turn 20, but hey, up to them really!

Totallyfedup1979 · 09/03/2021 16:07

I would put me off. Sorry.
My husband and I have been together since school though, so we both have very, very limited experience and that likely skews my view.

lioncitygirl · 09/03/2021 16:09

There’s no right or wrong number - he’s an idiot for asking. Dump him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2021 16:12

@Countrygirl2021

I'm completely baffled about how people have slept with 10's or hundreds of different people. I can understand maybe 5 or 6 through different relationships but the figures on here I'm mind blown by Shock
You don’t even have to be seeking out casual sex to get into the tens: think of how many relationships don’t actually last for years even if you’re looking for that - it’s pretty common to date someone for 3-6 months and then decide you aren’t compatible enough to continue. Have that a few times just throughout your twenties, and that could easily be 10 - 20 people. Add onto that a couple of teenage boyfriends, a few ONSs during your carefree university years, and a couple of medium-term relationships, and by late thirties that could be 30+ people even without actively thinking of yourself as “promiscuous” or interested in different sexual partners.
GreenSlide · 09/03/2021 16:15

I'd rather just not know! He shouldn't have asked really.

GoneCrazy · 09/03/2021 16:20

It’d easy to get into the tens I did it in 1 year after losing my virginity then met DH and had only him for the last 19 years!

I think fair play to enjoy the sex and enjoy life. I don’t know how many DH slept with I kind of know of 3 he’s mentioned as in passing as been girlfriends one I met at a wedding but honestly it was that long ago I don’t care

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/03/2021 16:24

I’ve never had a ons or dated people for 3 or 4 months. I’ve tried to avoid that type of scenario. So it doesn’t always ‘add up’

Londontown12 · 09/03/2021 16:25

Sounds super insecure that’s why he asked I guess ,now he doesn’t like the answer so trying to make u feel like it was dirty .
Make a hasty exit OP

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/03/2021 16:39

I realise I’m in a minority here as I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to discuss fairly early on in the getting to know each other stage, as it helps establish whether you have similar values and views concerning sex. My current boyfriend and I actually discussed it on our second date! (He volunteered his number, and I was happy to share mine). It was just part and parcel of talking about our relationship histories really. We also discussed stuff like ONS (whether we had had them in the past, whether we would have them now). And we discussed whether we had ever cheated on anyone. That type of thing.

I found it reassuring to learn he had a history and values similar to my own (basically we’ve both been around a bit - him more than me, but that was more circumstantial - my LTRs have been longer).

There is no right or wrong way to view sex in my opinion, but you need to be with someone who shares your approach and your values. In your opinion OP I would seriously reconsider my relationship with this man, as to me, his views are horribly judgemental and outdated.

TedMullins · 09/03/2021 16:53

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I’ve never had a ons or dated people for 3 or 4 months. I’ve tried to avoid that type of scenario. So it doesn’t always ‘add up’
It’s not necessarily that people actively look for that though. What if you met someone and started dating them intending for it to develop into something long term, and they dumped you after 3 months? Or did something unexpected and unforgivable so you dumped them? Then you meet someone else, intending it to be long term, and again they or you decide it isn’t working after a few months? Sometimes things just don’t work out, I don’t think anyone says ‘I’ll only date you for a few months then I’ll move on to the next thing’
PiscesScot · 09/03/2021 16:56

He shouldn’t have asked, it’s none of his business and bears no relevance to anything.

Ditch him, he’ll only throw it back in your face in the future.

Oopsy41 · 09/03/2021 17:00

He shouldn't ask questions that he doesn't want to know the answers to and hes got no right you call you dirty and make you feel bad. Its not up to anybody else to tell you how many people to have sex with. I have to be honest though, I'm not sure how I would feel in this situation- I'm not insecure at all but I would consider if he would get bored or be unfaithful if he had a lot more experience than me. That would be my issue though and I'd have no right to judge that just the same as nobody should be judging you.