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Original poster

Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

231 replies

Bottomlesspit21 · 08/03/2021 20:30

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

OP posts:
InkieNecro · 09/03/2021 08:27

Why is it not allowed to be asked? I asked my partner and I suspect his is in the same region as the op, but it doesn't bother me, I was literally just curious! Is it only wrong to ask if you're going to hold the answer against your partner or is it always wrong?

EdgeOfACoin · 09/03/2021 08:29

@Fatladyslim

Yes, his reaction would out me off. I would get rid persoanlly.

If the tables were turned, no one would say it was dirty that a man had slept with 120/130 people

I certainly wouldn't want to go out with a bloke who had slept with that many women. It would signify a complete disconnect in our views on sexual relationships.

When I was about 21, I had a friend who was very confident sexually and who would have sex with guy she wanted. For a long time, I was quite impressed by the number of men she'd slept with. I felt quite prudish and inhibited in comparison.

Then, one day she told me she'd had sex with a well-known sleazebag in our social circle. After that I started to take a good look at the guys she had slept with. My reaction began to be less 'wow, I wish I could be as attractive as Katie' and more 'really? Why would anyone sleep with him?' Slowly, it dawned on me that she just didn't have any standards for a sexual partner at all.

The longer I knew her, the more I realised that a lot of it was based on insecurity. She also struggled with long-term relationships, at times being estranged from her parents, as well as various friends.

And yes, in general when people spend years going to nightclubs and going home with a different person every time, there is a degree of insecurity involved. It's just not possible to rack up triple-digit sexual partners by your late 20s unless you are willing to have sex with virtual strangers.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/03/2021 08:37

Oh dear! Never ask and never tell!

We're in our mid - late 50s and met when we were early 20s. Both of us had shagged a lot. Recreational sex wasn't unusual back then, pre-Aids, which didn't effect us as we are straight - and when I think of that now I could cry!

It's just not possible to rack up triple-digit sexual partners by your late 20s unless you are willing to have sex with virtual strangers. But that's what we used to do! When socialising was all done face to face, usually pub based and often ended up with a fairly meaningless, hopefully enjoyable fuck.

I suspect this is a generation that REALLY doesn't want to know what it's grandparents did in the dark! The past being a different country, and all!

Sillysandy · 09/03/2021 08:38

I had a very similar number at your age OP with a very similar reaction from a boyfriend who I was very much in love with and very committed to.

What's important is how you feel about your number. It has nothing to do with him.

At the time I tried to be understanding as to how he might be feeling. With the luxury of hindsight I really would not bother.

He asked the question when he wasn't prepared to hear the answer. Does he like the woman you are today? Because you today are a result of your past decisions.

I'd be telling him he owed me a big apology if he had any chance of staying in a relationship with me.

anditgoeson · 09/03/2021 08:41

Yes it would put me off which is why I never ask partners this question and I never tell mine (not a lot as you may have guessed). I don't think it makes you dirty by any means what's right for you is just that. I think this may mean that you are incompatible though. And I wouldn't be very pleased with being called dirty, I think that crosses a line to be honest.

minniemoocher · 09/03/2021 08:44

He asked, he got an honest answer which he wasn't expecting. Calling you dirty is wrong. But I would be somewhat concerned that there's more going on with that many partners eg low self esteem, abuse, alcohol issues, mental illness or plain old unable to commit ... this would make me concerned about your welfare (and would think the same male or female)

If asked in the future I would evade giving an answer and perhaps admit "too many drunken one night stands" plus x number of longer term relationships

minniemoocher · 09/03/2021 08:47

Oh and for the record only 3 here so I admit I'm a bit judgy perhaps, though my dd has had exceeded me (to my knowledge by 17 life is different)

Sahm101 · 09/03/2021 08:58

This is why it shouldn't be asked if you really have strong views on numbers.
I wouldn't ask because I do have a very strong opinion and judgment on this.
I would really be put off and even disgusted at a number of 120. To me it's basically your body some sort of pumping machine. I would question if my dh respected his body. Sex is emotional for me. So maybe that's why I feel so strongly about this. If I heard about a man with that number I would think he is some sort of playboy who doesn't see a person as a person, rather than something he can just move on to the next. Ok this is why you don't ask about numbers!

LittlestBoho · 09/03/2021 08:59

Never answer this question, it's a trap!

Shodan · 09/03/2021 09:02

I would consider anyone who asked this question to be not worth my time, tbh. Let alone if the answer provoked a response of 'dirty'.

Only insecure people seriously want to know how many people you've had sex with.

I'd ditch him, OP- he's clearly immature.

aSofaNearYou · 09/03/2021 09:10

Hmmm tricky one. I don't think it makes you dirty by any means and it really shouldn't matter, and certainly if there was any kind of gender based double standard involved in his opinion then I would be furious. But on a human level I do get why it would be a bit unpleasant to think about, as a partner. There's a big difference between struggling with the thought of it and thinking there's something wrong with it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/03/2021 09:15

It would bother me because I’m interested in being with someone who views sex as a meaningful experience. There is nothing wrong with having a different approach, but you may not have compatible life goals

This^

It’s not a moral thing. But I’ve never been able to do casual sex or ons. I need to know or feel comfortable with someone first. So l wouldn’t be with someone who’d slept with loads of partner. They would have different values to me. In fact when l was dating, I’d avoid men like that.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 09/03/2021 09:17

It would put me off him if he felt dirty because of how many people you had slept with! It's none of his business!

IdblowJonSnow · 09/03/2021 09:21

His attitude is off. Dirty?! Tell him to do one.
It's none of his business anyway!

forinborin · 09/03/2021 09:28

I must be the only person who cannot even estimate the number of people they slept with? I mean, it is more than three as that's my LTRs / marriages, likely more than 5, very likely less than 50. But within that interval, it's a wild guess. And I am not into drunk encounters, where you cannot remember what you've done, either. Just never occurred to keep a tally.

MyLittleOrangutan · 09/03/2021 09:34

I wouldn't like DH to have slept with that many, especially in such a short amount of time. I wouldn't trust him to be faithful, or to be free of STDs. And if it's all been local I wouldn't like that we could be out at a restaurant or anywhere really and have people see us together knowing they or their friends had had sex with him, that they'd be comparing me, or wanting to cause trouble.

VeganVeal · 09/03/2021 09:39

Just say to him 'why do you think I'm so good at blow jobs'?

HopefulQuitter · 09/03/2021 09:41

No. Ridiculous and would worry me that it bothers him.

Pokerface12 · 09/03/2021 09:53

Yes male or female I find that number high so I would rather not know

WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 09/03/2021 09:53

No it wouldn’t put me off.

That said I have had relationships with people who turned out to be shuttling back and forth between alcoholism/drug addiction and sex addiction.

Both relationships were messy. One had a number was of several hundred in their early twenties, the other was well into four figures, at their best guess, in their late twenties.

So if I was in a similar situation again, an astronomical number might put me off, especially if there were other signs of unchecked addiction.

But it’s not the number that would put me off. It’s not even the troubles that might lay behind it. It would be about someone who was behaving in a way that might hurt themselves and others and who was either in denial about that or aware and not doing anything about it.

Dervel · 09/03/2021 09:53

I personally think implying someone by their number is dirty is unacceptable. It is also wrong to hold differing standards for men and women on this issue.

That said people can have and indeed are allowed to have differing value systems, and it’s important to stress there are pros and cons to either approach. Sure sex with 100+ people may well speak to an uninhibited and more probably more varied, satisfying love life, especially if variety is of particular importance to you. I really can see the appeal.

However on the converse side seeing sex as more of an intimate thing that you only share with a small number of people carries certain advantages too, as the bonding power that good sex can have between partners does tend to diminish the more sexual partners someone has had. Divorces tend to be less common amongst those whom have had fewer sexual partners for example, and I can see that being worth weighing up for either a man or a woman looking for a strong long term relationship.

Either approach is morally neutral in my opinion, have loads of great sex (responsibly of course!), enjoy yourself! Nothing inherently wrong there if that’s what you want. However if your primary ambition is a long term committed relationship it probably wouldn’t hurt to stick to people who share that aspiration as strongly as you do.

That is not to say it’s impossible to have something of a wild period of life, and then switch to look for something more settled, but bear in mind you’ll probably be behind those who have put more time on focusing on closer more emotionally intimate connections.

I’m not sure how I’d face someone who announced they’d slept with 100+ people, not out of any particular moral stance, but more that it would speak to a possible fundamental mismatch and incompatibility in the way we each viewed sex itself. Not a bad thing to be on the same page on in any relationship.

tashac89 · 09/03/2021 09:58

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. But then I view sex as a consensual, fun experience with someone you're attracted to that is also attracted to you.

AliceLives2021 · 09/03/2021 10:01

It would bother me how many sexual partners someone I thought about having a relationship with because I see sex and intimacy as part of a loving relationship. I wouldn't be attracted to a partner who had lots of sexual partners. Some people appear to have sex with anyone that comes along - up to them but I wouldn't go anywhere near them with a bargepole.

People with lots of partners do what they want and date whom they want just not my 'bag'.

AliceLives2021 · 09/03/2021 10:04

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

It would bother me because I’m interested in being with someone who views sex as a meaningful experience. There is nothing wrong with having a different approach, but you may not have compatible life goals

This^

It’s not a moral thing. But I’ve never been able to do casual sex or ons. I need to know or feel comfortable with someone first. So l wouldn’t be with someone who’d slept with loads of partner. They would have different values to me. In fact when l was dating, I’d avoid men like that.

Spot on.

Some people need meaningful encounters and don't have casual sex. We are all different. We all have different values. Best to find a partner who views things in a similar way.

aSofaNearYou · 09/03/2021 10:05

@forinborin

I must be the only person who cannot even estimate the number of people they slept with? I mean, it is more than three as that's my LTRs / marriages, likely more than 5, very likely less than 50. But within that interval, it's a wild guess. And I am not into drunk encounters, where you cannot remember what you've done, either. Just never occurred to keep a tally.
Well, the smaller the number is the more likely that you would remember them all, surely? I can't imagine only having slept with 5 people and not being able to remember them, it's just a very small pool of people to remember.