Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

[Bottomlesspit21]

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

@SnackSizeRaisin

My 1st bf lost count at 150, we got together at 18 and had 3 kids

150 by the age of 18? Now that is impressive. Are you sure he was telling the truth??

My (male) ex-best friend bedded between 40-50 during a fortnight in Ibiza. He literally slept (a little), got shitfaced and shagged all holiday.

Surely the whole point of sex is that you take something from the experience.

Societal norms, patriarchal norms, paint promiscuous men and women in very different ways. So those norms can do one.

@Nnameechanged

I think it's okay to think a certain number is too much, although in that case the thing to do would be to not continue the relationship as opposed to saying it's "dirty" etc. or, just don't ask in the first place. I feel my number (15, or 14 if consensual only) is too high, but that's just me. Been with partner 4 years now so don't intend for it to change, so I don't really think about it. What's done is done. 🤷‍♀️

But what does “too high” mean? At what point along the way did your values, character and personality fundamentally change so as for it to make a difference? Were you a vastly different person when you’d only had sex with 7 men, to who you were when you reached 9? If not, why would you beat yourself up over it?

Many people (read: women) say they regret having as many sexual partners they did because they only had sex because they thought they should / didn’t know how to say no / and wish they had. Which isn’t a numbers thing, surely: having sex with only one person in your life would be “too high”, if it was in that situation.

@secular39

.... I have to be honest. If any man or woman told me that they slept with 120-130 plus. It does not look at attractive at all. If not. I will feel sorry for them.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I've had some amazing sex in amazing places! Sometimes I find myself thinking fondly of the experiences. I don't regret a thing.

Societal norms, patriarchal norms, paint promiscuous men and women in very different ways. So those norms can do one.

I am thinking of it from the point of view of a woman seeking a male partner. I don't care what women do as I won't be dating them! So it's nothing to do with patriarchal norms. It's to do with seeing sex as something intimate and shared rather than a selfish experience. That is just my personal view on the type of person that I would choose for a partner. It's not a judgement on people in general.

It's a different person each month though.

And? Go out clubbing, catch someone's eye, have a dance and a snog and go home with them. Not that difficult to sleep with someone different every time.

But what does “too high” mean? At what point along the way did your values, character and personality fundamentally change so as for it to make a difference? Were you a vastly different person when you’d only had sex with 7 men, to who you were when you reached 9? If not, why would you beat yourself up over it?

For me, it's not about the absolute number, it's about the circumstances of the encounters. There is one I regret because although I consented at the time, I didn't do it for the right reasons. I could have had more partners but I suspect there would have been more regrettable ones as there simply isn't enough time in life to make the required number of good connections. 7 and 9 or even 25 could all have been fine for an older version of me who had been single a lot and therefore had more time for this sort of thing! Or was more outgoing or more discerning or whatever. However I don't really think anyone can get above 100 by 29 and still count all their partners as friends.

And? Go out clubbing, catch someone's eye, have a dance and a snog and go home with them. Not that difficult to sleep with someone different every time.

No but as I said, for me personally I don't think that is a good attitude to have towards sex. It implies a lack of care for the person which doesn't fit with what I want from a partner. Not saying it's in any way wrong in general. Just not my thing

He’s a misogynist and so are a lot of people on this thread. Someone’s ‘number’ means absolutely nothing about them as a person, their morals or their attitude to sex. Sex can be a fun one-off with one person, and something meaningful with someone else. Someone who spent their university years shagging a different person every night probably won’t want to do that in their 30s and 40s. People’s priorities change and it has no bearing on their ability to be faithful.

If you think about societal messaging and the deeply outdated attitudes towards sex, it’s highly likely that most men with multiple sexual partners have at some point coerced a woman into sex, probably without thinking they were doing anything wrong. All the ‘playing hard to get’ tropes, rom coms showing men who persisted finally getting their prize?

If you want to judge anyone for having sex, judge men, because the chances are they weren’t thinking about the well-being of every woman they’ve slept with. That isn’t to say women have no agency over sex - that’s another stupid sexist myth. Women can choose casual sex and enjoy it, while also enjoying sex within a relationship. The two aren’t mutually exclusive!

@SnackSizeRaisin

And? Go out clubbing, catch someone's eye, have a dance and a snog and go home with them. Not that difficult to sleep with someone different every time.

No but as I said, for me personally I don't think that is a good attitude to have towards sex. It implies a lack of care for the person which doesn't fit with what I want from a partner. Not saying it's in any way wrong in general. Just not my thing

What utter codswallop. It doesn’t imply anything apart from two people met in a club, fancied each other and decided to go home together. Those same people could also meet someone they developed strong feelings for and embarked on a monogamous relationship with.

Yes it would put me off in a partner OP and I would cease the relationship. Not that I would think any less of the person but I would think that our values/attitudes toward sex, emotion etc. probably wouldn’t be compatible (personal preference). I would also be worried about sexual health with a number like that (even if they insisted they always stayed safe).

The man is a fucking idiot.

@emilyfrost

I would judge anyone—male or female—who slept with even a quarter of your number. That’s obscene and I would think there was something wrong, so yes, it would massively put me off.

Careful you don't get a nosebleed up there on that high horse.

what does it matter, sex once a month with ONS for 10 years =120 or sex with the same partner even once a week would be a lot more sex. Completely irrelevant to me but does raise an issue for your partner if he can't come to terms with your past.

@SnackSizeRaisin

And? Go out clubbing, catch someone's eye, have a dance and a snog and go home with them. Not that difficult to sleep with someone different every time.

No but as I said, for me personally I don't think that is a good attitude to have towards sex. It implies a lack of care for the person which doesn't fit with what I want from a partner. Not saying it's in any way wrong in general. Just not my thing

Don't think of them as a partner but more a self heating sex aid?

Op main reason he's feeling weird is he's gonna be worried what everyone else will say if this is common knowledge.

Was it racked up while away at uni or are you both home town born, raised and settled where those 120 make up a fair number of the people you'd see on a Friday night out?

I'd be getting rid for the 'dirty' remark. I'd put money on him bringing it up again, maybe during an argument. Same with the 'he feels insecure' line -- he'll probably recycle that if/when you find out he's shagging a colleague from work in five years' time. No, I wouldn't be judging and no, it wouldn't put me off, either. Next time, lie, and say four. Because, 1: misogyny, and 2: it's really nobody's business but yours.

I told DP from the start 15 years ago we'd never have that discussion, I've nothing to hide it isn't interesting but I learned from experience with my insecure ex that any man who needs to know this is going to be a pain in the arse.

Dump him.

Honestly yes. My ex told me “around 400” and I couldn’t get past it.

@Bottomlesspit21
No it would not bother me,
As long as I know whoever I am happen to be in a relantship with maybe in the future,
Is does not mess me around, (cheating behind my back/or blantandly flirting outrageously I front of my face.

Another words I have only big issues with disrespectful behaviour.

I too believe in being faithfull like wize too.

I don't like hypercritical attitudes/behaviour ,that are at odds/don't align with what they say..

Although I said it isn't discussed in my relationship, I'd be shocked if DP's number was that high, for me I have to be attracted to someone can't imagine being attracted to that many.

And this is why people shouldn't ask questions they already know the answer they want to hear.
It really doesn't matter how many people you've slept with, if he's being like this about it then he clearly lacks some respect for you. Who tells their partner they're dirty for their past? Especially when it's something as normal as sleeping with people?
Tell him you had fun and you did what you wanted. He can either accept it or let it drive him mad but it won't change the number.

Oh god I would want to know and would definitely ask in a long term or potential long term relationship. I certainly asked dh. And as there were only five I know who they were and have met all but one of them. I wanted to know to inform my opinion of him. As one of many many things. I also wanted to know how often he visited him mum, had he any criminal convictions, what countries had he visited and was he a lark or a night owl. I wouldn't have pursued things if he'd had hundreds of partners and possibly not if he hadn't had any. As is my right. I was looking for someone who had similar experiences to me for which I make no apologies

I can't remember my number and it is not as high, most aren't worth counting.

Sounds like it's him with the issue, not you.
You didn't even know him before you met him (obviously lol) what, were you just supposed to stay pure and good (whatever that means) until you met him and knew he was the one or something?
Go bollocks to that lol