Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

231 replies

Bottomlesspit21 · 08/03/2021 20:30

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

OP posts:
shrodingersbiscuit · 08/03/2021 21:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

AlrightTreacle · 08/03/2021 21:09

@WhoAreYah

Is insecurity the only reason a woman would sleep with a large number of men? Could it be possible it's just because they quite enjoy sex? Hmm.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/03/2021 21:09

I used to tease DH that he had been monogamous from 20 to 32, and 42 to 61, didn't have sex until he was 19, and still managed to rack up double figures. It was all good natured - I never felt insecure or uncomfortable, maybe a bit behind the curve (he was my second lover) but we had a great relationship where we took the piss out of each other a lot. If he had slept with over 100 women, as long as he wasn't doing it while with me, I wouldn't really have cared (although would have insisted on an STD test if he hadn't gone ahead and got one anyway). It sounds like your boyfriend can't put the past in the past and sees your sexual history as a risk to the present, which is unfair if you are faithful and he has no other reason to doubt you.

DasPepe · 08/03/2021 21:09

The fact that he is asking shows he is immature and insecure. I remembered this mattered when I was in early twenties maybe, and starting to enter more serious relationship.
It really really doesn’t matter. He is being stupid.

If he has asked sounds like it’s an issue for home - so I don’t see how any number above 1, would have been ok with him. It sounds like a competition to him, and it’s only ok if his is highest. Nob

Dullardmullard · 08/03/2021 21:11

Doesn’t matter who you slept with that’s his issue he asked

If he keeps saying your dirty ditch him he isn’t worth it

AliceMcK · 08/03/2021 21:13

It’s only an issue for men when it comes to their wife’s/girls friends. If it was them they would be boasting about it but heaven forbid a women has a sex life before meeting them.

I have a lot of friends who have kept their real numbers a secret from their spouses because of this.

Not all men are like this though, I’ve slept with far more than my DH he’s never asked me how many nor I him, he dosnt care. We were friends for a long time, he was even someone I’d talk about personal things with and knows some of my more embarrassing booty call moments 😬

arerti · 08/03/2021 21:14

It would put me off as we'd have very different views on sex. And I would find name calling saying you're dirty, incredibly off-putting too, rude of him.
Maybe it's not a compatible match

teenagetantrums · 08/03/2021 21:15

I don't actually know how many people l have slept with. Is that bad?. Obviously l remember the serious relationships. I could probably work it out but maybe would forget the odd one night stand. My partner has never asked me and l have never asked her. It doesn't matter to me.

PicaK · 08/03/2021 21:17

Dirty? Bin this man.
He'll always have this at the back of his mind. Please find someone else who doesn't judge.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/03/2021 21:18

See, this is why people shouldn't ask or answer - it just leads to lots of nasty judgement. OP you should dump him for calling you dirty - that's a disgusting thing to say and I wouldn't be able to look at him after that.

georgarina · 08/03/2021 21:21

I never asked my ex dp and he never asked me. Or maybe we mentioned it and both said we didn't know? I wouldn't know off hand. I assumed from our lifestyles and stories that it was around the same number of people. I'm actually not sure now!

I guess if it was a wildly high or low number it would incite a reaction. Just like anything unusual - like, what my partner makes for lunch wouldn't bother me, unless it was something extremely out of the ordinary.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/03/2021 21:21

If he didn’t want to know he shouldn’t have asked!

DP and I don’t know the exact numbers as I know he wouldn’t like the answer Grin. He does joke about the “Magaluf years” when I alluded to clocking up a few while working abroad, but in a lighthearted way.

I think he’s in single digits whereas I’m firmly into double digits but either way, the only sexual experience that matters is the one we share. The rest of it is irrelevant.

I like to think that even if I knew his number and it was high, it wouldn’t bother me. I’m almost more annoyed at him because he says he never bothered about the woman’s pleasure in the past, but then again, that’s on them for not insisting on it I guess!

Having lots of ONS isn’t dirty or anything to be ashamed of (presuming you used barrier contraception or have at least had STI testing since then). He needs to wind his neck in or find himself a virgin.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/03/2021 21:23

@WhoAreYah

Yes, 130 people would put me off. It’s a bit gross isn’t it? Like you’d just go with anyone who looked at you.

Interestingly enough I have a friend who’s up in the hundreds and when she told me I couldn’t look at her in the same way. Now i’m older I realise she must have been very insecure.

My partner is older than me and slept with about 30-40. To me that’s putting it about a bit but doesn’t bother me - clearly enjoyed them self in their youth!

I think 50-60+ and I wouldn’t touch ‘em personally.

I am below 5, for comparison. I appreciate my number is very low.

Can i just check is it only insecure women that have multiple sexual partners or is that why a man does it too? Asking for a friend...

Your friend is lucky to have you Hmm have you told her how harshly you judged her?

SplendidSuns1000 · 08/03/2021 21:23

I've only slept with DH and his number is much higher than mine. (he's 17 years older so not surprising). It doesn't bother either of us, I quite liked that he knew what he was doing when we met!

I personally don't think it's anything to be ashamed about (the number or asking) but I understand people see it differently and depending on the circumstances of each partner they may not see each partner as a positive experience. Doesn't bother me in the slightest though.

Pastcaringnow · 08/03/2021 21:26

It's a ridiculous question. Especially as he didn't like the answer! My 1st bf lost count at 150, we got together at 18 and had 3 kids. My ex husband, older than me, had 2 one night stands, one long term relationship then me. Separated 6 years and he's never had another relationship. My current partner has no idea of his number but was disgusted that my number was 21. I told him directly, I can name every single person I've slept with. Can you do the same or are you just a sexist prick looking for a 30yo virgin??
He apologised and it has never been mentioned again

Whatpaint · 08/03/2021 21:27

@arerti

It would put me off as we'd have very different views on sex. And I would find name calling saying you're dirty, incredibly off-putting too, rude of him. Maybe it's not a compatible match
+1 to this. Yes it would put me off and I did respect DH for not having slept with loads of people but I wouldn’t call someone dirty if they had slept with loads. I would know we weren’t compatible attitude wise though.
harknesswitch · 08/03/2021 21:32

Nope it wouldn't put me off. I met my dh at a later age and he's been around the block a fair few times as have I

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 21:33

120 is high for a 29 year old I think. Not that it makes you dirty, but more that it indicates a certain attitude towards sex that perhaps I wouldn't agree with...
I am not against having several partners but I think it's preferable to know them and care about them to some extent, rather than just use them as throwaway partners never to be seen again.
I don't know where I'd draw the line (I wouldn't ask anyone but you can get an idea from general conversation I think) but maybe up to about 3 per year of adult single life.
It's not judgemental, just a personal preference for a partner in the same way I would be put off someone who was greedy with food, tight with money, voted Tory etc.

LarryWasAHappyChap · 08/03/2021 21:34

Personally and completely honestly, it would bother me a little bit.
That said, I don't think a high number of sexual partners makes someone dirty etc- that's a disgusting attitude.
Also, if he really cared and it bothered him that much, and he finds it so off-putting, he should have asked before he added to the number.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 21:35

My 1st bf lost count at 150, we got together at 18 and had 3 kids

150 by the age of 18? Now that is impressive. Are you sure he was telling the truth??

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 21:36

I mean that is probably every girl in year 10 and 11 of an average secondary school. Seems highly unlikely

M0rT · 08/03/2021 21:36

I couldn't answer this question because I stopped counting in my mid twenties. I'd say it's under 50 probably. All that matters was that I was safe and no STIs were caught.
My DH wouldn't ask partly because I've never pretended I was a 30 year old virgin, as a pp put it, and he suspects my number is higher than his.
I don't care about his number, all I asked when we met was that I be told if I was in company with someone he had been with as we socialised with his long term friendship group and I didn't want to be the only one at the table not knowing something about my BF.
I would have walked off and blocked anyone who called me "dirty" for having a libido.
I've never had time for that double standards nonsense.

MixedUpFiles · 08/03/2021 21:52

couldn't answer this question because I stopped counting in my mid twenties. I'd say it's under 50 probably. All that matters was that I was safe and no STIs were caught.

I came of age in the era where we were expected to keep lists and exchange them with potential partners. They were also necessary for contact tracing in case you ever got a positive std result. Everyone on your list had to be contacted. This was drilled into us so strongly that I can’t even wrap my head around the idea that there are people who don’t keep the lists anymore.

secular39 · 08/03/2021 21:56

.... I have to be honest. If any man or woman told me that they slept with 120-130 plus. It does not look at attractive at all. If not. I will feel sorry for them.

haveapieceoftoast · 08/03/2021 22:01

@Pastcaringnow

It's a ridiculous question. Especially as he didn't like the answer! My 1st bf lost count at 150, we got together at 18 and had 3 kids. My ex husband, older than me, had 2 one night stands, one long term relationship then me. Separated 6 years and he's never had another relationship. My current partner has no idea of his number but was disgusted that my number was 21. I told him directly, I can name every single person I've slept with. Can you do the same or are you just a sexist prick looking for a 30yo virgin?? He apologised and it has never been mentioned again
there’s NO chance your ex bf had slept with 150 women before turning 18. You believed him?!
Swipe left for the next trending thread