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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would it bother you how many people your partner has slept with?

231 replies

Bottomlesspit21 · 08/03/2021 20:30

Name changed for this!

Exactly as the title says really...

My boyfriend asked me how many people I’ve slept with and I answered honestly. I know my number is really high compared to most - 120/130 people and I’m 29. Not proud of it as a lot were whilst hammered but it is what it is!
Since he’s asked he’s struggled with the fact and says it’s dirty etc, makes him feel insecure and finds it off putting I guess. I can’t change the past though so not sure what I can do about it now but I don’t want to be made to feel like a terrible person or punished because of it either!

So, would it put you off? Or is it irrelevant? Would you judge if the number is too high/low?

OP posts:

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/03/2021 22:03

@secular39

.... I have to be honest. If any man or woman told me that they slept with 120-130 plus. It does not look at attractive at all. If not. I will feel sorry for them.

I'm sure your sympathy will mean a lot to these poor misguided individuals...

KeyWorker · 08/03/2021 22:04

I’ve never told my husband and I would expect him not to ask. If he did he’d be told it’s non of his business. I’ve never asked him for the same reason.

SoundWithoutAName · 08/03/2021 22:05

It wouldn't bother me but my number is high too. It doesn't bother DH but then his number is higher than mine. I have been in relationships where it has been an issue, and they have felt insecure. The number of people you have slept with doesn't define you and doesn't mean you can't be faithful, although alot of people seem to struggle with it.

secular39 · 08/03/2021 22:09

Yes, sorry it does. It suggests insecurity. A certain attitude towards sex and I would worry about the sexual health of the individual.

I believe our bodies are one of the intimate parts of herself and we of course have the choice to do what we want with it. But our body is our temple, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I eat sugar in moderation and I generally keep fit.. but I also worry about my health- particularly mentally. No way would I sleep with 120-130 plus of people. That's a huge health risk and condoms does not 100% removed the risk of STD.

MammaMiaWallace · 08/03/2021 22:14

I wouldn’t ask, wouldn’t want to know, and definitely wouldn’t answer as mine’s really high 😂

PufferFishGoneWrong · 08/03/2021 22:17

I don't know DH's number and he doesn't know my number - heck I'll have to sit down and count my number and probably would forget a few as I been with DH for 17 years.

It's not something I would let anyone know, as I do have a high number and it's my business only.

Surely all that matters is being faithful from the start of your relationship.

MysteriousMonkey · 08/03/2021 22:18

I think why not, if you had fun and were careful I certainly wouldn't judge. I think my number is 13 (could work it out but too tired) and I hope it never goes up because I love my DH... But if I could relive the years before I met him I think it would be a lot more than that

SpilltheTea · 08/03/2021 22:22

Calling you dirty is disgusting behaviour. What an insecure man he is. I don't see why it matters how many people someone has had sex with.

hulloall · 08/03/2021 22:29

In all honesty, it would really put me off if my partner told me he had slept with that many people.

Personally, I would have lied to him and said it was around 20. I can't imagine many men would be thrilled to hear that their partner had slept with over 100 people.

littlepattilou · 08/03/2021 22:30

I would rather not know, because there's no way I'd be telling them my magic number.

bloodywhitecat · 08/03/2021 22:31

I have never asked him nor would I, it doesn't worry me.

willibald · 08/03/2021 22:36

I've never asked him, nor me. I'd dump anyone who called me dirty. I slept with 14 by the time I was 31.

therocinante · 08/03/2021 22:37

Nope, doesn't bother me at all.

DH and I both have higher than average numbers, never occured to either of us to care.

Your boyfriend is being a dick, driven by the nonsense societal messages we're fed that women who sleep with lots of people are tainted. That's a hard thing to undo. I'd tell him to either get over it ASAP and never bring it up again or you'll walk away - I had an ex who was horrified I'd slept with someone he hated before we even met and he felt I was 'dirty' because of it. I told him he could get over it or I'd leave. Spoiler: he could not get over it. That shit is ingrained very deeply.

Osirus · 08/03/2021 22:43

@LemonRoses

Yes. I think casual sex is unwise and unhealthy for individuals and for society. I would never have been attracted to a promiscuous man.

Same for me. Sorry OP, but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’d slept with so many women. I do think that sex is quite a big deal so I know I may think differently to many others. It’s just an opinion. I wouldn’t judge you if you were my friend/relative. I just wouldn’t want to date someone with such a high number, as it shows that they view sex as something to “throw around” and have quite freely, which is great for some of course, we are all different, but I’d personally worry about his ability to remain faithful.

IEat · 08/03/2021 22:45

A few. That’s a reasonable answer to the stupid question. Most people have a past.

goodbyelenin · 08/03/2021 22:47

I wouldn't ask, but 120/130 by 29? Yes, that would totally put me off. I am all for playing around a bit and having a life before you settle down, and we all have a few meaningless one night stand, but 130? I am not interested.

Motnight · 08/03/2021 22:50

Op you aren't compatible. And it's nasty to call you dirty.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/03/2021 22:51

It would put me off and I would ask the question as would want to know if we shared the same morals and stance on things before getting serious.

Advic3Pl3as3 · 08/03/2021 22:56

If a 29 yr first had sex at 16 and their number is 120 - that’s less than 1 sexual encounter a month. Hardly Belle de Jour is she?

soapboxqueen · 08/03/2021 22:57

Bin him. Nobody should get to call you names like that.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 22:57

I came of age in the era where we were expected to keep lists and exchange them with potential partners. They were also necessary for contact tracing in case you ever got a positive std result. Everyone on your list had to be contacted. This was drilled into us so strongly that I can’t even wrap my head around the idea that there are people who don’t keep the lists anymore.

People used to write lists and give them to every partner? When or where was it that people did this?? Contact tracing for STDs still happens now but you don't have to write a list as you go along

Babyfg · 08/03/2021 22:58

Sorry op but your number made my eyes pop out of my head! I don't even think I know 130 men! As a friend I wouldn't judge you but I would be upset if my partner had that many as I think it would show we had very different views on sex and I would worry I wouldn't be able to compare or if it was early in the relationship I would worry I was just a notch on the bedpost. However if that was my only issue in the relationship I think I could look past it.

You having that many sexual partners doesn't make you dirty at all but it is something that would play on my insecurities in a relationship.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/03/2021 23:01

If a 29 yr first had sex at 16 and their number is 120 - that’s less than 1 sexual encounter a month. Hardly Belle de Jour is she?

It's a different person each month though. It's a lot if you think about how many close friends a person might have over that time. It implies a lot of sex with virtual strangers, which is the bit that makes me slightly uneasy. Either that or sex with most of their male friends, which again is a bit odd.

Regularsizedrudy · 08/03/2021 23:03

I wouldn’t judge, but it might make me consider that we weren’t compatible. I certainly wouldn’t call anyone dirty!!

Nnameechanged · 08/03/2021 23:04

I think it's okay to think a certain number is too much, although in that case the thing to do would be to not continue the relationship as opposed to saying it's "dirty" etc. or, just don't ask in the first place.
I feel my number (15, or 14 if consensual only) is too high, but that's just me. Been with partner 4 years now so don't intend for it to change, so I don't really think about it. What's done is done. 🤷‍♀️

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