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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of being touched?

195 replies

YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 15:12

My DP touches (or I suppose in most cases i should say gropes) me ALL THE TIME. I downplay it in my head by telling myself it's good he's attracted so much to me etc but it drives me insane.
It's gotten to the point where I realise I give him a wide berth if I walk past him as I know he'll touch/slap my bum if I'm close, if I bend down the same thing everytime, I brace myself for it to happen everytime as he does it without fail.
He will touch my boobs, either over or under my top whenever he fancies and everytime I undress he makes a point of watching and making sexual comments.
I want to add that I'm not a prude, I've had other relationships and have always had no issue with being touched/how much they touch me/ getting undressed infront of them etc but with my current DP it just feels the way he touches and looks at me is different and excessive. But then I just think maybe my previous relationships have been the odd one out and that this is normal in a relationship?

I should add I am still bf my toddler so she is touching my boobs alot and I think that contributes to when my DP also wants to touch them all the time it's just too much, maybe I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 19:09

[quote YeahYesYup]@tiktaktoe to answer that question no I'm not, the more he touches and gropes me the more I dont want anything to do with him sexually. Which he becomes aware of and then touches me more to initiate sex.
Never ending circle.[/quote]
It's not a never ending story. If a person is touched by their partner when they don't want to be, they say no. If the partner doesn't listen to them and carries on, telling them they are wrong not to like it, then that is abuse.

Do you tell him 'No', 'Stop', 'I don't want you to do that', 'Stop touching me' etc?

tenlittlecygnets · 08/03/2021 19:11

he says it's a good thing because it shows how much he is still attracted to me.

He first get to tell you how you feel or whether it's good or not. He's a revolting sex post. You need to tell him that! Tell him you hate him touching you like that and you will leave him if he keeps on doing it.

notdaddycool · 08/03/2021 19:11

Grab his bollocks at every opportunity, give them a twist or a yank if you feel particularly happy.

Blacktothepink · 08/03/2021 19:13

Ltb

Joeblack066 · 08/03/2021 19:16

This is repulsive. It’s one of the (many) reasons I left DH2.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2021 19:17

@YeahYesYup

I've mentioned it several times and he says it's a good thing because it shows how much he is still attracted to me. We've only been together a few years so it's not like we've been together 10 years and the spark has gone. I'm the longest relationship he's had so I think for him its important we are still attracted to each other.

@captainvaneshair you are 100% right, I have no issue with affection and being close to him but absolutely any attention he gives me has to be sexual. In previous relationships I love to cuddle up in the evenings or one ex had longer hair that I (and he) loved me to play with when we were cuddled up etc.
My DP doesnt want to do any of this, if I get close to him he wants us to be sexual everytime.

So you're basically a body for his convenience,

Yuck

ZaZathecat · 08/03/2021 19:18

This is awful. Imagine if you carry on like this for 20 years, you'll be a seething mass of resentment.
You need to make it clear that it is a deal-breaker for you if he doesn't stop. However, having read some more of your posts, it sounds like there are way more issues so getting out of the relationship seems the most likely solution.

Ellie56 · 08/03/2021 19:19

Sadly OP you need to leave this creep sooner rather than later.

You should not be putting up with sexual assault on a regular basis and your children should not be witnessing it.

FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:19

Can I just use this opportunity to say that posters who comment on threads with "What did he say when you told him" or versions of that are complete and utter arseholes.

It's SO passive aggressive and STUPID! Just ask the OP if you want to know if she's tackled him about it!

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 19:21

@FortunesFave

Can I just use this opportunity to say that posters who comment on threads with "What did he say when you told him" or versions of that are complete and utter arseholes.

It's SO passive aggressive and STUPID! Just ask the OP if you want to know if she's tackled him about it!

Thanks Thread Police.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2021 19:27

@FortunesFave

Can I just use this opportunity to say that posters who comment on threads with "What did he say when you told him" or versions of that are complete and utter arseholes.

It's SO passive aggressive and STUPID! Just ask the OP if you want to know if she's tackled him about it!

That is asking if she's tackled him. The poster obviously wants to know what his reaction was.

But I have to say, I didn't know there was a specific way we had to question the OP on a thread.

Thanks for the advice

anamazingfind · 08/03/2021 19:28

The name for him is a sex pest. The low level assault daily would be the end for me. My ex was like this. I would have loved for him to put his arm around me and just cuddle but it was always a sexualised grope. I fucking hated him by the end.

boymum9 · 08/03/2021 19:29

My ex h used to do this, very quickly actually it became an issue for me and a cause of me not actually wanting to have sex or physical contact, and eventually 12 years later it was a big factor in why I left him, I hated it. I felt like I could do ANYTHING without a comment, being groped or touched, whenever I bought it up he just said that he wished I'd do it to him

SoulofanAggron · 08/03/2021 19:36

@YeahYesYup This is all horrible. All that groping around the house I like to think would be enough for me to bin, though I know it's easy to say. That is sexual assault in itself.

He's grabbed my wrist and made me touch him if I won't do it myself many times.

Ugh. This, all of this, is a crime.

Although saying that my DP has initiated sex by touching me when I've been asleep until I wake up and respond. He backs off (in a huff) if I wake up and say no though.

Still sexual assault- you can't consent to any of that touching while you're asleep.

I expect if you think about it you've had sex when you didn't really want it quite often.

I've left an unhappy relationship before and been a single parent (older child) so I know I can do it but this time around I feel like i dont know how to make the first step to leave.

You can do it. Break what you need to do into small steps maybe. Do you feel he's knocked your confidence?

Caesargeezer · 08/03/2021 19:56

Ugh, I have never been with anyone who does this. I couldn’t put up with it.

Wellthatwassilly · 08/03/2021 19:59

No advice but im in the same boat, its really dragging me down

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 20:01

What happens if you throw your hands up and shout 'No! Get your hands off me!'?

ChocolateSantaisthebestkind · 08/03/2021 20:04

Op YANBU! I would say to him very levelly next time he does it, 'I do not like when you do that, it makes me feel like an object rather than someone you love and respect.' That should start the conversation and may shock him into seeing it from your perspective.

Stumpedasatree · 08/03/2021 20:11

@ChocolateSantaisthebestkind it sounds like she has done that already several times to no avail.

OP, you have to get away. This kind of man is repulsive and is often guilty of doing the same thing to other women as well. Don't bring your children up seeing this. Added to the other problems you've touched on this is a no brainer to leave.

rainyskylight · 08/03/2021 20:24

When I moved in with my now-DH he was like this. At first it was sweet that he was so attracted to me but then it became bothersome. I couldn’t pick up the laundry without my bum being touched. Honestly I just raised it with him like this:

“DP, I love you and I love that you are so affectionate and love my body. But when I am just doing normal activities around the home it makes me uncomfortable to be touched so frequently. I am only trying to get stuff done or relaxing and it takes me by surprise and I feel self conscious to be looked at that way all the time at home. Once in a while is lovely - please don’t stop altogether - but not all the time it is too much.”

He apologised genuinely as he hadn’t thought of it like that, and stopped immediately apart from the odd occasion when it is spontaneous, flirty and appreciated.

Try having the same conversation? I’ve had no problems since and am very happy at home. If your DP reacts negatively or ignores your POV then you may have problems. X

rainyskylight · 08/03/2021 20:26

Gah sorry maybe should have RTFT, but I hope my experience of this conversation gone well (and never having to be repeated) is of use.

sleepyhead1980 · 08/03/2021 20:29

My husband used to be like this. It was awful and I hated it. I would avoid being close to him for fear of being grabbed. I couldn't touch him innocently without it becoming sexual so I just never touched him (then I got heaps of shit for never hugging blah blah).

He raped me in my sleep (claimed he thought I was awake and participating). I stayed with him. A year later I woke up with his fingers in my vagina (claimed he was trying to wake me up, bullshit). I took this a lot more seriously than the rape as I felt he had no excuse this time as I made it clear the first time that he was never to touch me unless I was fully awake (I never truly believed his excuse the first time but made myself believe it for the sake of my son).

After that happened I put a stop to the groping and he no longer does it. So I have a couple of points here - 1, men who grope will probably go on to do worse. 2, it is actually possible for them to stop (albeit after they hit rock bottom and become a rapist). Although my husband no longer gropes me there is just always an awkwardness when we are standing next to each other. I'm not sure if it's just me or if he feels it too. I'm saying LTB and I wish I could take my own advice.

raincamepouringdown · 08/03/2021 20:30

He's treating you like a sex toy. And he's disregarding your feelings about being touched. He doesn't respect you.

Original poster

YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 20:31

@veritywibblewobble yes potentially, my DS is a teen.
Luckily I dont think he sees it and on the occasions I can think of where my son has entered the room he has quickly stopped.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 08/03/2021 20:37

@YeahYesYup

And after I have mentioned it he will tone it down a little for a day or two maybe but then goes straight back to how it usually is. It's like he doesnt even think about what he's doing he just does it on autopilot without thinking.

I think that's generous. I think he knows exactly what he's doing. The sexual dynamic is just wrong between you. You shouldn't feel pawed and touched up all the time like this. I think you need to feel like your body can be seen for being just a body, not always something of intense sexual interest to another. In the right amount, it's flattering, but when taken to excess in a relationship with other issues too, it can be very objectifying.

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