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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being touched?

195 replies

YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 15:12

My DP touches (or I suppose in most cases i should say gropes) me ALL THE TIME. I downplay it in my head by telling myself it's good he's attracted so much to me etc but it drives me insane.
It's gotten to the point where I realise I give him a wide berth if I walk past him as I know he'll touch/slap my bum if I'm close, if I bend down the same thing everytime, I brace myself for it to happen everytime as he does it without fail.
He will touch my boobs, either over or under my top whenever he fancies and everytime I undress he makes a point of watching and making sexual comments.
I want to add that I'm not a prude, I've had other relationships and have always had no issue with being touched/how much they touch me/ getting undressed infront of them etc but with my current DP it just feels the way he touches and looks at me is different and excessive. But then I just think maybe my previous relationships have been the odd one out and that this is normal in a relationship?

I should add I am still bf my toddler so she is touching my boobs alot and I think that contributes to when my DP also wants to touch them all the time it's just too much, maybe I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 08/03/2021 17:59

Yuck

I think you need to decide if you want to stay - if you do then he needs to get help.

freezingmarch · 08/03/2021 18:09

Just imagine if you would want a man doing this to your daughter? Because staying with him is teaching her it's normal and how to expect men to treat her - by sexually assaulting her.

dottiedodah · 08/03/2021 18:10

CallmeCleo Do this !

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 08/03/2021 18:12

Revolting lech. Is he 14? Tell him to stop behaving like a member of the cast of Inbetweeners.

3orangekissesfromkazan · 08/03/2021 18:13

Is he your daughters father OP?

I agree with everyone else, he sounds tetchy and I would be totally repulsed.

3orangekissesfromkazan · 08/03/2021 18:14

Letchy..not tetchy

Tiktaktoe · 08/03/2021 18:15

I certainly dont want her to ever think it's something she should have to put up with when she is older.
So what are you going to do about it?

grapewine · 08/03/2021 18:16

All of this is so wrong. This left me with chills:

He's grabbed my wrist and made me touch him if I won't do it myself many times.

I'd have to leave.

Sahm101 · 08/03/2021 18:19

There was another thread recently which was so similar to what that poor op was going through. This is so sad and horrifying. I'm absolutely certain that your dd is already picking up and learning that this is what men do. This is becoming her normal. I really hope you see how serious this is. He is abusing you op.

Tianatiers · 08/03/2021 18:21

YANBU. I just couldn't put up with that OP and I don't know how you don't absolutely lose your shit at him every time he does it when you've asked him not to. I'd be so angry. I think he needs sex therapy to learn how to control his urges. Would he consider this? Or couples counselling? Explain to him that you've asked him to stop, you have told him you don't like it and yet he still carries on. Then suggest he may need help if he can't control himself.

Nonverba · 08/03/2021 18:24

That would really annoy me!

How would he like it??

Have you told him how uncomfortable it makes you?

If it were me I would tell him to either stop it or move out just to give him an idea how much I disliked his inappropriate behaviour!

Original poster
YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 18:24

I know you are all right, I downplay it so much and make excuses for him but at the end of the day I know there are no excuses for the way he behaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 18:35

This isn't the only issue with our relationship, I have posted before about money problems, issues with the way he disciplines/talks to our daughter (under different names) partly because he knows I'm on here and wouldn't want him to join the dots and partly because I'm ashamed as when I add up all our problems I know I need to ltb but I just feel stuck.

I've left an unhappy relationship before and been a single parent (older child) so I know I can do it but this time around I feel like i dont know how to make the first step to leave.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 08/03/2021 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

MrsHound · 08/03/2021 18:43

Stop mentioning it to him and fucking well tell him!
Stop allowing that man to sexually assault you in front of your child!
He doesn't love you
He doesn't fancy you and he certainly has no respect for you.
This is purely and simply control by a means he enjoys.
Do you want to be like that other poster and sexually assaulted for 30 odd years?
Kick him in the balls so hard he has to swallow them and whilst he is whimpering bin bag his stuff.

belowdeckyoubet · 08/03/2021 18:50

@YeahYesYup I have a huge issue with this - and brought it up in a therapy session. ExP was told in no uncertain terms by the therapist that this is not on. He felt ashamed and hasn’t done it since. It took the look of shock on her face to put things in perspective. This is not ok

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 18:53

AngryAngryAngry

It's just grim, really grim.

What are your barriers to ending it?

IdblowJonSnow · 08/03/2021 18:54

Of course yanbu OP. Worrying that you have to ask!
Being fancied = nice (depending who it is if course). Being randomly groped in passing is just fucking creepy and disrespectful.

wandawombat · 08/03/2021 18:56

It doesn't stop, one of the saddest people I ever talked to was a lady in her 70's still being assaulted on a regular basis. Maybe 40+ years of misery.

Throckmorton · 08/03/2021 18:58

He's vile, and your daughter is witnessing this and learning this is what relationships look like. Awful.

4LeafClover21 · 08/03/2021 19:04

It's one of the most irritating things a partner can do! There's a time and a place. Can totally understand you OP getting tired of him.

Happycat1212 · 08/03/2021 19:06

It doesn’t sound like you want to leave so not sure what you want from this thread, he won’t change.

1forAll74 · 08/03/2021 19:07

That's grim. and seems pervy to me. Do you not tell him to stop doing these things.

VerityWibbleWobble · 08/03/2021 19:08

@YeahYesYup

This isn't the only issue with our relationship, I have posted before about money problems, issues with the way he disciplines/talks to our daughter (under different names) partly because he knows I'm on here and wouldn't want him to join the dots and partly because I'm ashamed as when I add up all our problems I know I need to ltb but I just feel stuck.

I've left an unhappy relationship before and been a single parent (older child) so I know I can do it but this time around I feel like i dont know how to make the first step to leave.

So you have an older child that's potentially witnessing this too?
Merename · 08/03/2021 19:08

I've left an unhappy relationship before and been a single parent (older child) so I know I can do it but this time around I feel like i dont know how to make the first step to leave.

You’ve made the first step by posting here, and hearing yourself out loud and fed back to you. This is so important and brave of you to face up to it, OP. You’ve minimised it - not because you’re daft but because your life is set up around this man, there are practical issues- as well as the emotional where he’s gaslit you and made you feel this is ok. You know it’s not and this conversation is so important.

What’s beyond this depends on what feels ok for you. How would you feel about talking to someone you trust in RL? Or to a women’s organisation?