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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being touched?

195 replies

YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 15:12

My DP touches (or I suppose in most cases i should say gropes) me ALL THE TIME. I downplay it in my head by telling myself it's good he's attracted so much to me etc but it drives me insane.
It's gotten to the point where I realise I give him a wide berth if I walk past him as I know he'll touch/slap my bum if I'm close, if I bend down the same thing everytime, I brace myself for it to happen everytime as he does it without fail.
He will touch my boobs, either over or under my top whenever he fancies and everytime I undress he makes a point of watching and making sexual comments.
I want to add that I'm not a prude, I've had other relationships and have always had no issue with being touched/how much they touch me/ getting undressed infront of them etc but with my current DP it just feels the way he touches and looks at me is different and excessive. But then I just think maybe my previous relationships have been the odd one out and that this is normal in a relationship?

I should add I am still bf my toddler so she is touching my boobs alot and I think that contributes to when my DP also wants to touch them all the time it's just too much, maybe I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Whatwhyhowwherewho · 08/03/2021 17:20

@YeahYesYup

I've mentioned it several times and he says it's a good thing because it shows how much he is still attracted to me. We've only been together a few years so it's not like we've been together 10 years and the spark has gone. I'm the longest relationship he's had so I think for him its important we are still attracted to each other.

@captainvaneshair you are 100% right, I have no issue with affection and being close to him but absolutely any attention he gives me has to be sexual. In previous relationships I love to cuddle up in the evenings or one ex had longer hair that I (and he) loved me to play with when we were cuddled up etc.
My DP doesnt want to do any of this, if I get close to him he wants us to be sexual everytime.

Believe me, it will not improve.

I wish I knew MN existed when I was having this issue with DH in the beginning of our marriage. I just assumed all marriages were like this. 25 years together and I now can’t stand to be near him. No matter how many times I’ve begged ‘just hold me’ without him grabbing my boobs or arse he just can’t do it.
He thinks me not wanting to be touched or have sex is my issue, he’s caused it by constantly groping me. I flinch every time he comes near me yet ‘he really loves me, I’m beautiful, I’m so sexy, he adores me’. He’s ruined our marriage. Leave now op.

Kgrzghtechh · 08/03/2021 17:21

He is sexually abusing you.

JorisBonson · 08/03/2021 17:21

I missed the bit where you said he has sex with you when you're asleep

@YeahYesYup, this is rape. No idea, or buts, it's rape.

Get away from him as fast as you can.

freezingmarch · 08/03/2021 17:21

It's pretty obvious why he doesn't have long lasting relationships.....

You need to decide what you want. He won't change - he's made that clear.

Either accept the hideous assault behaviour or leave.

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/03/2021 17:23

Eugh, no wonder he’s not had such a long relationship if this is what he does. The other women probably got fed up of being groped and pawed at.

Tell him what he is doing is sexual assault. You have already told him it’s unwelcome and he still does it, and unwanted sexual touching is sexual assault, which BTW, you don’t find attractive in the slightest.

OP if you want him or stop you’re going to have to tell him in no uncertain terms what the consequences will be if he doesn’t, then carry out those consequences if he doesn’t.

God, the thought has my skin crawling.

MrsHusky · 08/03/2021 17:24

Tackle it head on before you get 'the ick' permanently.

My ExH used to do this, and like a previous poster, he also used to sexually harass me in my sleep, undressing me, trying to have sex with me (ew)

He was also emotionally abusive and a few times threatened me physically, and once hit me.

Please dont tolerate this, if its already to the point you're physically avoiding him, then its already gone WAY to far and you need to deal with it.

If he cannot stop it or understand you dont like it, you need to leave.

This isn't ok, and it isn't normal.

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/03/2021 17:25

OP I missed the bit where you said he rapes you in your sleep. He’s a vile specimen, you deserve much better.

JosephineBaker · 08/03/2021 17:26

I couldn't stand DH touching me like that when I was breastfeeding. I was so touched out. DH was very hurt for a bit, but I explained it wasn't about not wanting him, it was being drained by endless physical contact. So he stopped (thank god.)

If your DH can't respond in the same way, he's sexually assaulting you.

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2021 17:27

Ewww disgusting

SplendidSuns1000 · 08/03/2021 17:31

He's gaslighting you (which is a form of abuse) by saying it's a good thing he assaults you because it shows he loves you.

Have a clear and frank conversation with him about what is and isn't appropriate and be clear that his inappropriate behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable. If he's unwilling to change, apologise and listen to you in future it's time to LTB.

MonochromeMinnie · 08/03/2021 17:33

It wasn't the OP who said he raped her in her sleep, it was another poster.

Original poster
YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 17:35

@golightlyontheearth sadly that wouldn't make a different as he's always asking me to touch him sexually so he would probably like it if I touched him 24/7.
He's grabbed my wrist and made me touch him if I won't do it myself many times.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 08/03/2021 17:37

@MonochromeMinnie

It wasn't the OP who said he raped her in her sleep, it was another poster.
My mistake! Sorry OP.
JorisBonson · 08/03/2021 17:37

[quote YeahYesYup]@golightlyontheearth sadly that wouldn't make a different as he's always asking me to touch him sexually so he would probably like it if I touched him 24/7.
He's grabbed my wrist and made me touch him if I won't do it myself many times.[/quote]
That is sexual assault. You don't have to put up with it.

Original poster
YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 17:38

@whatisthisfuckery it was another poster who said he rapes them in their sleep.

Although saying that my DP has initiated sex by touching me when I've been asleep until I wake up and respond. He backs off (in a huff) if I wake up and say no though.

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahYesYup · 08/03/2021 17:42

Sorry I'm losing track of who to tag in my replies but to the person who asked if he does this infront of our child the answer is yes and of course I have told him it is massively inappropriate.
She is too young to understand anything like that at present but I dont want her seeing I and I certainly dont want her to ever think it's something she should have to put up with when she is older.

OP posts:
wandawombat · 08/03/2021 17:43

Definitely verging on assault, I think.

seepingweeping · 08/03/2021 17:44

Why are you still there op? Massively disrespectful to you, worse he continues to behave like that in front of your child especially as you've told him not to.

He's a sex pest. Break his finger next time he does it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/03/2021 17:47

He's a pest.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/03/2021 17:51

He's grabbed my wrist and made me touch him if I won't do it myself many times
Red flag OP this really is fucking bad

dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2021 17:51

OP your updates are very serious

Grabbing you and forcing you to touch him is sexual assault.

Doing all this in front of your child is a safeguarding issue.

You cannot stay with him, honestly.

notalwaysalondoner · 08/03/2021 17:52

This is weird - my DH and I are very physical but 90% of the time it’s affectionate, not sexual - touching a shoulder, squeezing a hand, quick peck on the cheek etc. I’d find this so off putting. If anything I sometimes wish my DH was a bit more sexual outside of the exact moment he wants sex, but I’d rather have it this way round than what you’re dealing with!

georgarina · 08/03/2021 17:53

He's not treating you like a person, he's treating you like an object he can reach out and grab at any time.

That's not showing you he's attracted to you - that's treating you like an object.

I would be disgusted. If he doesn't get the distinction, you need to have a conversation.

georgarina · 08/03/2021 17:54

*Didn't see the update where he grabs and forces you if you don't comply. Like others have said, serious major issue.

Can you talk to him or anyone else about this? Do you feel safe?

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/03/2021 17:56

So as well as sexually assaulting you, he punishes you with moods if you don’t let him have sex with your body? Wow OP, he’s a nasty sleazebag and no mistake.

OP, you should be in charge of who touches your body and when, this is what you’d teach your daughter would you not? Please value yourself higher than being this disgusting sex pest’s fuck toy. The reason he’s not had a relationship that’s lasted before is because no woman would put up with him and neither should you. He is the common denominator here, it’s not you and all his previous GF’s, it’s him.
Eugh get rid of the slimeball and value yourself.

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