DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

Hope the conversation goes well, if not for a week or so at least you need to become ocd about the tidying in your bedroom, Change the sheets every other day, vacuum inc under the bed 3 times a week, dusting noisily daily, maje it less appealing then point out you don’t need to go in the garden room

Clear his stuff out, and if he doesn't like it tell him why!

*I mean clear it out of his office and make use of it yourself

I would lose the plot if my DH was sat in bed, eating and drinking in there and working when he has his own office. I would be telling him to get out to his office. It doesnt matter if he gets defensive.

On a different note if this man is unable to use a laundry basket or washing machine then I think you need to rethink why your enabling him to behave like a manchild and feel unable to tell him- you should be working as a team, your not his mother

How come you dont fancy using it?

I dont think he can use his shit childhood as an excuse to spend 30k of family money on something and then not use it, that's a complete waste and he does need to be held to account for it. He can't just waste x years worth of savings and then claim childhood trauma when you want to speak to him about it (assuming you do so calmly).

I'd stay away from the farting in bed / needing some space angle and keep it neutral eg 'I've noticed the cabin hasnt been used now in x weeks and it seems like a bit of a waste of money, we should make sure we make use of the space. I am planning to clear out this stuff and replace it with my stuff / kids stuff as it seems a more logical use of space if we use it like this, what do you think'

Is he actually in the bed? That’s building up huge huge long term back and neck problems. I’d get him to at least have a chair or standing desk in the bedroom - using a laptop in bed is awful for your spine. But definitely use the office yourself if he won’t!

OP, I totally understand why you don't want him lying in bed all day. He has a perfect work space and chooses not to use it so it's no wonder you're pissed off.

You say he gets defensive due to being emotionally abused as a child. I was emotionally, physically and mentally abused as a child and being defensive is not my 'go to'. If his default is to be defensive when asked a very reasonable question, then he should be in therapy.

It's time for you to be assertive and ask him the very reasonable question - 'why are you choosing to work in bed when you have a purpose built office literally a stone's throw from the house?'

Good luck with evicting him from the bed

I also enjoy having the house to myself at times. SO looking forward to the end of this week when not only will the kids be at school but my husband will be at his main workplace for a couple of days. Although I thrive on people contact I also seem to need my downtime where I don't have to think about anyone else for a bit.

You mentioned the heating can be controlled from his phone, I think. Is it worth asking him to turn it on now, please. When he asks why, you can let him know you need to go and have a rest so were going to go down there. See how he responds?

You need to talk to him about it. Its not healthy for him to sit in bed all day anyway. He needs an actual work space. So what if he gets defensive, push through and send him out to his office. For both your sakes. Tell him if he's going to insist on working from the bedroom then you're turning his office into your snug, and do it, it'll be lovely in there with the heating on when it's snowing or with the door and windows open im the summer, get a big comfy chair to read in, get a mini fridge to keep drinks and snacks.

In fact, just go straight for the snug option, he can wallow in bed.

I am so with you on this. I think you need to practice telling him. This is not fair, everyone needs a bit of space. And honestly, his emotionally abused childhood is not relevant to this, and his needs don’t trump yours. I d also tell him that a grown man can use a laundry basket.

I have a creative job and work from bed quite often. I honestly don't see the big deal. I've had offices before but sometimes the work comes easier when you're somewhere not made for work. Offices, however nice, can exert a weird pressure sometimes and you can evade it and work better from a bedroom. Doesn't mean he won't go back to the office or that it's worth getting het up about the office being a waste of money. It's only been a couple of months. Likely he'll go back out there in Spring. The world is very closed up at the mo and the hibernation impulse is strong. As long as he's working and not skiving, it'd be fine by me. There's plenty of other spots for you to nap and unless you want to spend the day in bed then why do you need that one room empty so you can relax. It's weird to me to feel on edge about getting a biscuit in your own home, and uptight about farting. We all do it. I'm not surprised he gets defensive.

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to

So? It sounds as if you have been mothering him like a damaged child, spoiling him and spending endless money to give him whatever he wants in the hope that if only you make it easy enough for him then he will be nice and do what you want.

It doesn't work like that.

You need to set boundaries. And one of them is that he gives you the space you need. You can negotiate how he does it - whether you take the garden roomn for yourself, or he goes out there himself for the relevant days - but your needs are your needs.

And if he needs a therapist to get over his childhood than that's up to him. His past doesn't justify selfishness and it doesn't mean his needs are more important than yours.

It's not even a shed or a cabin. It's a fully built, roofed and plastered office. It has beautiful wooden floors. And French doors. Fully WiFi connected. And heated.

I've just been up to water the hanging baskets that hang either side of the doors that he hasn't bothered with at all, they were nearly dead.

Also, handy trick for the inability to use a washing basket. I bought a second cheap washing basket for the clothes he doesn't want washing. Any clothes put on the floor go in there, they're not in the way but they don't get washed either. He very quickly learned to use a washing basket when his clothes didn't get washed.

Take up an online yoga class and go out to his office to do it.
Start going out there to read or so on your laptop.
As a SAHM myself I get how you feel. My DH has taken over the spare room but I don't have a 'room'.
I'm tired of having to share every fucking detail of my life. At least I got a break when kids were at school and he went to work.
Now it's so clear that they all think I am doing 'nothing' in the kitchen at my laptop, even though I am a mature student doing a degree and I do several hours voluntary work.
You could say to him 'I notice that since Christmas you spend every day in bed, I'm just wondering what that is about? Should you see the GP maybe?'
Like it's not usual for a grown man to spend all day in bed. Unless you have a culture in your house that people spend a lot of time in bed during the day.

You need to make it uncomfortable enough for him to work in bed that it's a more attractive prospect to work in his office. PPs have the right idea, throwing the windows open, hoovering etc.

I would literally strip the bed every morning

@cripez

It's not even a shed or a cabin. It's a fully built, roofed and plastered office. It has beautiful wooden floors. And French doors. Fully WiFi connected. And heated.

I've just been up to water the hanging baskets that hang either side of the doors that he hasn't bothered with at all, they were nearly dead.

Reclaim it! It sounds awesome. Let him rot in bed and go get yourself an actually peaceful place. Turn it into your own. Tell them all no one is to bother you unless it's an emergency while you're there and get some actual down time.

It's not even a shed or a cabin. It's a fully built, roofed and plastered office. It has beautiful wooden floors. And French doors. Fully WiFi connected. And heated

I'm now really jealous. In your shoes I'd have taken it over weeks ago.

@Dropdeadfred2

I would literally strip the bed every morning

Dear lord why? Why must she massively inconvenience herself? What a weird solution.

30k! That's a deposit on a house!

Every morning open the bedroom windows and then shut the curtains so he doesn't know.
And put your summer duvet on the bed.
And a cold hot water bottle at the end.
Freeze him out.

Install a biscuit cupboard there too.

I want a biscuit cupboard in my home office now!
OK, mine is the box room at the top of the stairs, not a separate room down the garden, but still...

I totally understand.

Also, I think a lot of people with large houses don’t understand that if you live in a small house, it’s quite difficult to get any alone time.

Is there a real reason why you can't say "can you go use the office please, I need to use this room, thanks"?