DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

I have my 2yo home today so I'm not needing to be upstairs. I would quite like clean sheets though.

I think you need to be blunt now and tell him to research in his office you had specially built for him

"but what about my bedroom"

Erm, it's his bedroom too.

But I get your point. Just tell him 'We spent £30k on the garden office. If you don't start using it, I'm turning it into a room for me to get some space."

I think you need to say something in the evening about the following day.

Tomorrow you need to vacate our bedroom by x o'clock I need to clean/laundry/have a lie down etc.

Remember when you worked, would have accepted someone squatting in your office?? Kind of reframe it a bit in your head.

Are you working on your PTSD? Is the bedroom your safe place for doing that?

Perhaps ask him why he spent £30k on the home office?

Actually with your PTSD perhaps you should actually say the office should become a shared space and that some evenings and weekends you need to hang out or sleep there to get a proper break from being a carer whilst he takes over?

How much of your PTSD is being compounded by carer burnout?

@RandomMess

I think you need to say something in the evening about the following day.

Tomorrow you need to vacate our bedroom by x o'clock I need to clean/laundry/have a lie down etc.

Remember when you worked, would have accepted someone squatting in your office?? Kind of reframe it a bit in your head.

Are you working on your PTSD? Is the bedroom your safe place for doing that?

Perhaps ask him why he spent £30k on the home office?

Actually with your PTSD perhaps you should actually say the office should become a shared space and that some evenings and weekends you need to hang out or sleep there to get a proper break from being a carer whilst he takes over?

How much of your PTSD is being compounded by carer burnout?

I'm completely burnt out.

There is no help for this.

I was under my local psyc team but they discharged me because I wasn't harming myself or others.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

"but what about my bedroom"

Erm, it's his bedroom too.

But I get your point. Just tell him 'We spent £30k on the garden office. If you don't start using it, I'm turning it into a room for me to get some space."

I know it's his bedroom too.

I am not trying to throw him out of his own bedroom.

I would just like for him to work in his office some days.

Oh cripez I'm so sorry! You really do need support and he's as much use as a chocolate teapot. Maybe ask to get this thread moved to Relationships?

@cripez

I have my 2yo home today so I'm not needing to be upstairs. I would quite like clean sheets though.

He can strip the bed while he's watching whatever he is watching. Ask him to do that, he has no good reason not to!

Rent it out

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Oh cripez I'm so sorry! You really do need support and he's as much use as a chocolate teapot. Maybe ask to get this thread moved to Relationships?

I agree with this. Or start a new thread in Relationships asking for help with how to be more assertive in your marriage, in a way that doesn't feel like another threatening item on your long to-do list. Really often with these threads in AIBU, it starts off with a rage story which is actually masking real underlying issues. As these issues are uncovered and posters try to help, the thread remains visible in Active and others post expecting a typical AIBU barney, only having seen the OP or even just the thread title, & not reading the room before posting. It invariably ends up with an upset OP who's been encouraged to open up by PP and then has a load of blunt responses saying "YABU just tell him" etc. So OP do yourself a favour and either get the thread moved or start a new one. Good luck, you sound to me like you're doing a great job under really difficult circumstances.

You need to talk properly with your DH.

You need to tell him that you are no better and he needs to do more than his share before you end up even more seriously ill.

You need to write down what he can do to make a difference.

When you are child free you need a clean bed to get into so you can relax and sleep that is zero effort for him.

Then you need a list of things he can take responsibility for including the mental load.

I wish I lived in the UK and could come and help you out IRL, @cripez... I’m guessing all your women friends have fallen by the way, and you haven’t had a proper, empathetic hug in a bloody long time.

Op I agree you should start a new thread in relationships or get this one moved. You’ll get much better, helpful advice there.

You have become the carer for everyone. You have somehow become responsible for meeting everyone’s needs but are not able to state or meet your own needs in return.

This is an unhealthy situation and needs to change before your own mental health gets worse. You deserve much more support than you’re getting.

He can't shoulder the mental load. He doesn't know how.

He doesn’t have to shoulder all of it, just his share of it. And if he doesn’t know how, he must learn. Like you had to do.

You can’t shoulder all the mental load yourself either. It’s harming you and he doesn’t care.

I agree that it might be better to start a new thread in relationships.
What happened yesterday, despite the initial trips back to the house for the loo, snd for coffee etc? Did he stay in his office?
I’ve said earlier, it’s a completely reasonable innocuous question to say ‘DH why aren’t you using the office?’ It’s not confrontational and you just need to have an open dialogue about it. If you strip the bed, he may well just get straight back into it when you’ve finished, so it will be pointless unless you address the actual issue.

You need to make absolutely clear that this is your family HOME, not just HIS WORKPLACE

It would also no doubt help his mental health to have some boundaries between his work and his place to chill out.

I do understand why sometimes he wants to stay in bed and do what’s needed from there, but it shouldn’t be the norm

He can do a share of the mental load.

Does he have any household responsibilities??

Meal planning, shopping, cooking?

Laundry- washing, drying then sorting it?

It would be entirely reasonable for him to do either or both of those. That frees up the mental load of those tasks.

@BusyLizzie61 you are being incredibly unreasonable. If you can have a job around your additional needs child then great, clearly their needs are not as intense as the OP.

I have EDS, went to a PRU and was constantly at hospital appointments and being sent home from school. For the life of her my Mum could not hold down a job. It’s not about getting a job around school hours, what about everything else? What about the last minute/multiple hospital appointments? School ringing saying you need to collect DC? No employer can make allowances for that when it’s happening more often than not. For some people working and having a severely disabled child is just not a realistic option.

I agree there's no reason he can't strip the sheets and change the bed by himself. This is all crazy. The Op is making herself sick doing everything and he does absolutely nothing towards the house or childcare. You need to change this. If he is capable of holding down a job then he is capable of doing things around the house too. If not, then what is the point in being married? I just don't get why you'd live like this.

I'm not blaming you by the way. I think you've both gotten into this bad habit of you walking on eggshells around him and doing everything because he is useless. It sounds like you are babying him and I get why, because sometimes it's easier to do things yourself rather than deal with the stress of him not doing it or half-arsing it, but it isn't healthy. He needs to step up. Working doesn't mean you can opt out of family life. He can do the dishes, he can do laundry, he can change sheets, he can put the hoover around.

You should be getting equal leisure time, do you?

If you have disturbed nights you need one night per week minimum where your DH does the overnight. If he "can't" then he needs to learn, if your DC wouldn't be happy then he needs to be "weaned" onto accepting DH - he should use some annual leave perhaps where you both look after DC overnight together and then gradually DH does it all for a short while until DC will accept either of you.

You need longer term strategies else you are not going to survive burnout.

Him being the big earner is not a reason for not doing his share of parenting disabilities or not.

I also wish I could give you a big hug OP. The more you write, the more you sound like your DH's carer as well. You need more support for your own wellbeing.

Forgive me being blunt but if you have 30K for an office, can spend a grand on pavement, you must have enough to fund private therapy? Perhaps some respite care? Anything that will ease the load a bit? I hope you do have full access to the money he brings in.

Everybody tells me that I will burn out.

I have been burnt out for three years and yet I am somehow still here because I have to be.

There is no great crescendo when you reach burnout. It happens and life carries on.

Stop defending yourself regarding your own circumstance of being a SAHM. You are doing nothing wrong.
You have a Mummy's boy upstairs who has regressed and is acting out and has become a needy child again.
If he keeps coming in to you from the outside office, then he is proximity-seeking. Like a distressed or anxious child or teen might suddenly start coming to sit near you more than usual.
I would say to him - 'I guess you could continue to use this room as an office if you prefer to be in the house all the time, but I thought you could set up a desk in here maybe instead of actually lying in bed.'
You seem to treat him like he's somewhat incapacitated and cannot handle difficult feelings.
Say to him 'I would like the bedroom free for my use for part of the week. I need space on my own some of the week. I think that's fair enough what do you think?'