DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

You can't magically change everything in your life but there must be a few things that would help? Burnout can always get worse. You need to take care of yourself too.

You've actually explained well here one thing that would help, some proper alone time. This is totally reasonable. I still think it makes sense to take over the office and make it your sanctuary.

What else would help?
Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

@cripez

If you're the emotionally intelligent one and he relies on you for that, I wonder why you feel unable to say 'I am feeling so burnt out from care giving after lockdown. I really think that some regular time pottering around the house alone would help me catch my breath and stay on top of my mental health. How would you feel about working from your office a few days a week? I love you so much, it's no reflection on you at all, it's just I know I'll benefit from the alone time and I don't get too many chances for it. While we're on the subject is there anything tangible you think I could do to support your mental health at the moment?'

Assuming that doesn't end with him immediately offering you some space, I would give him a heads up that I'll be repurposing the office space since he prefers to work in the house.

Then he can either watch as you throw away his junk and turn it into your yoga retreat, or he can reclaim it as an office.

@cripez

He can't shoulder the mental load. He doesn't know how.

Are you sure? He seems to be managing the mental load of running what appears to be a successful business. It sounds a bit like deliberate helplessness.

Are you sure? He seems to be managing the mental load of running what appears to be a successful business. It sounds a bit like deliberate helplessness.
Absolutely this.

He's up in bed now. I asked if I could strip the bed. He said 'Can you do it in an hour, I want to watch something for research'

What a knob, it's not just the mental load he doesn't want, it's the physical load. He didn't say 'I'll do it in an hour' he said 'you do it in an hour'. I would have lost it with him, OP. What was your response?

I realise some of you might be somewhat invested, but I'm not really up for answering all the questions I'm getting in replies, or providing information asked for.

General consensus is that IWNBU in my original post, so I'm digesting that.

Please don't expect too much of me here right now because I am not in a place to provide you with the passive entertainment some of you need.

@dreamingbohemian

You can't magically change everything in your life but there must be a few things that would help? Burnout can always get worse. You need to take care of yourself too.

You've actually explained well here one thing that would help, some proper alone time. This is totally reasonable. I still think it makes sense to take over the office and make it your sanctuary.

What else would help?
Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

'Burnout can get worse' how?

With me taking a blade to myself? With me jibbering in a corner?

Carers of disabled children aren't allowed to become that unwell.

@cripez - I hear what you are saying about how your dh will react if you ask him why he is working in bed, rather than the expensive home office you had built - I wonder if he might react better if you framed it in terms of your needs? Could you say something along the lines of "Dh - I am feeling close to absolute burn out at the moment, and what I really need is some time when the children are out of the house, where I can just switch off - I'd love to be able to just go to bed and have a nap, and a bit of time to gather myself again, but I can't do that at the moment because it would disturb your work. Do you think you could work in the home office, on the days that I have to myself?"

I can't even imagine how difficult your life is - but he is right there, in it with you, so he should know how hard it is, and I'd hope he has enough empathy to realise he needs to step up and make your life a bit easier!

I know you can’t change everything but start by making small changes where you can. Good luck!

It sounds like there are a lot of complicated issues going on.

What about couples counselling?

If DC is autistic could DP be too since it can be genetic?

Is there no possibility of you getting respite?

Does he ever have the DC's on his own?

Do you have any friends/family for support?

Sounds like the room could better be used as a sensory space for the DC.

Cripez, I've been in a similar situation, where you're hanging on by the skin of your teeth. Some things can't be changed, some can. Try and carve a bit of self care out- whether it's a nap on the sofa, if he's hogging the bed, or a walk on your own.

I'm sure with your experience you will find a way through this and encourage him back out to his office so you can get on with what you need to do.

Well yes, that's exactly how burnout gets worse. You are an incredibly strong person but you're not a superhero. Your needs are also important, you can't willpower your way through a heart attack or stroke or any of the other things that prolonged stress and exhaustion raise the risk of. Your husband needs to understand that your wellbeing is also really important, especially as it sounds like he would not really be up to the job of caring for your DC if you did fall ill.

You don't have to answer anyone's questions. I think people are just trying to be supportive and encourage you to put yourself first sometimes, but of course you don't have to engage with anything you don't want to.

Of course burnout gets worse. Just now you are coping, even if it is difficult and challenging.

Burnout is when you cannot cope any more. So yes, self harm or mental breakdown (gibbering in the corner how you so delightfully put it...) Are what happens when it gets worse.

So yes it can get worse than you tiptoeing around your house playing the martyr...

it can get worse you can end up in hospital

what does he bring to your life other than money? hes perfectly capable of holding a job down but cant help you-just sounds like an excuse

@ScottishStottie

Of course burnout gets worse. Just now you are coping, even if it is difficult and challenging.

Burnout is when you cannot cope any more. So yes, self harm or mental breakdown (gibbering in the corner how you so delightfully put it...) Are what happens when it gets worse.

So yes it can get worse than you tiptoeing around your house playing the martyr...

I've been on a psyc ward before

Hope you're ok OP. Sending

@cripez I can feel from your tone how very vulnerable you are and I am worried. We are not criticizing you at all, but suggesting that perhaps in light of your current situation, your DH claiming to be depressed may be a little self-indulgent atm.

[quote justilou1]@cripez I can feel from your tone how very vulnerable you are and I am worried. We are not criticizing you at all, but suggesting that perhaps in light of your current situation, your DH claiming to be depressed may be a little self-indulgent atm.[/quote]
This. It doesn't sound like he pulls his weight at all, and if you ask him to, you're being abusive like people were when he was a child? Yeah right.

As I was taught many years ago, you can't change events but you can change your response. He needs to grow up, accept he has responsibilities with children with additional needs, and work properly in his garden office. Personally I think it's very unprofessional to work in bed, but I know some MNers will disagree as a general principle - but not in this context.