DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

Why can't your husband do the school run occasionally? It's presumably before office hours?

And then you could get yourself set up in the bed. Get a laptop set up, tell him you're doing important household admin, writing emails/reports/letters about the children, and he can go out to his home office for his stuff.

Or do that even if he doesn't take the children. Shove his papers aside, get into bed and spread yours out.

your husband sounds a bit spoiled! you're just going to have to bite the bullet and have the conversation, tell him the office is for working in and not the bed, express that a lot of money was spent on his office and if he isn't going to use it then you'll make it into a playhouse for the kids so its not completely wasted space.

If he is struggling with his past, then he needs to seek some therapy to help him move forward, as he now has you walking on eggshells around him all the time, so he's sort of controlling you a little bit (possibly not intentionally) but its not healthy for everyone to love like that

Is he a writer? Lots of writers write from bed. I can see being annoyed by the wasted £££ and space. I would definitely start the conversation about what to do with the space if he isn't using it. Could be a cosy little snug for you...

I would defect to his pricey man shed.
Just shove all his shit in boxes and make it comfy for you.
Make up the bed with clean sheets.
Then set up camp there.
But don't tell him you're going out there, just do it by stealth.
Then when he figures out that you're out there, of course he'll want it for himself.
Bet you anything he'll move back out there once you're fully installed and its all nice and cosy.
Then after that, nab your bed back.
He sounds very selfish.

I would definitely take over the office space as it sounds idyllic! I'd nap/snack/read there every time there was enough of a time slot to let me do it.

If it’s so hard to talk to him I’d claim a headache and I have to lie down in a dark room. And use doing that as the basis for the bedroom should be a bedroom discussion afterwards.

Is there a change he is also autistic and has embedded some quite unhealthy rigid patterns of behaviour and will also struggle to see your point of view?

In June last year I painstakingly renovated our shit tip of a box room (it took an unreal amount of work) and turned it into a beautiful study. However, I've got into a bad habit of working from the "soft office" as I've nicknamed it, i.e. in bed with the laptop. It's really not healthy and I need to stop.

However, DH is still working out of the house (postman) and we don't have kids so nobody cares what I do. I definitely think you should claim the garden office for yourself - stick a futon in there for naps!

Don’t march up there in the middle of the working day, demanding to sort this out. Stick your head around the door and say you’d like to have a chat this evening about the office in the garden and how you’d prefer him to start using it. Big smile, talk to you later about it!

Have a good think before this evening about what you want and why. Also think about give and take - what, if any, compromises are you willing to make in order to get an agreement that you can both live by.

Be calm, be rational but be determined to reach agreement. I completely agree that him working from bed is not sustainable but he clearly thinks differently and it sounds like you need to take the lead on being the adult.

I just want an hour or two alone. Not my entire life.

It sounds like you have nothing but contempt for him, though. I don't blame you based on what you've said but... do you want to spend your life with someone you don't like or respect?

Talk to him - nicely, but talk to him.

I can empathise cause my DH in this situation would also get huffy (his reasoning - he already feels guilty about something and then I rise the issue and he feels more guilty. My reasoning - yes well it’s not my issue if he is feeling guilty, and if something affects me I’m still entitled to want to discuss it!).

More practically:

1. you absolutely do not need to justify wanting alone time. We all need some alone time to recharge. And I was going to say this even before I read your update about caring for an autistic child.

2)decide if you’d be happy using the shed for your reading and napping or if you want the bedroom. To me it sounds like you want the bedroom. That is fine. I just mean it’s important to know what you want first, before starting to talk about it (especially applies if you’re not generally assertive..)

3)what @RNBrie said basically. Tell him
You’d like him in the shed on the days you are free so you can chill properly. Alone.

Suggest turning it into soft play.

part of me just wants him to eff off so I can be on my own for a bit.

Tell him. Well, don't say "part of me" and don't say "eff off" - it's all of you that needs the space and you need it so you can be on your own for a couple of days a week. So that is what you tell him - "I need you to work in your office these two days a week so I can have some time alone".

I don't see how I can deal with this without him getting arsey with me.

If he gets arsey be firm about it. He can work in bed on other days so long as you get your two a days a week with house to yourself. Tell him what you want. Tell him that you agreed to spend the money so he could have a separate workspace and it was for your good as well as for his, and he needs to respect that. It is your respite.

I just want an hour or two alone. Not my entire life.

But if you don't get that little bit of time in your own space away from everyone (even including him) , then after a while you will want to spend your entire life without him. So you need to be properly assertive.

I hear you OP. There must be a way you can discuss it like adults.

Really looking forward to the day when I have the house to myself again! Just one child and one husband to go... My work days won’t really be any different but just to occasionally eat a leisurely lunch by myself would be great. I plan on suggesting he work in a coffee shop again sometimes when that’s allowed...

Farting on the duvet is a non event in our house. It's when you follow through that all the fuss and shouting starts.

@notdaddycool - best suggestion so far!

Tell him he starts using his office or you will take it as your space; you will throw out all his crap and will move yourself in there for the days you don't have the kids.

If he doesn't start using his office, follow through on it.

I must say, without an explanation I don't understand why he knows every time you get yourself a biscuit.

I'd ask him why he doesn't want to use the shed.
I'd also ask him when he intends to use it regularly again.
Then I'd say that I need a place to myself and as he doesn't seem to need his office anymore I'd be taking it over from x date.
And then I'd move his stuff out somewhere else and make it into a relaxing space for me (sofa bed is already in there for a start). You could have bookshelves. You could have space for hobbies. Whatever. Fairy light. Small area with a kettle.

Reminds me of when my ex and I spent a lot of money making part of our bedroom into a small office space for him (yeah, tiny flat....) so that he would have a quiet place to work in the evenings and his paperwork could be kept out of the lounge. He used it for a week but then decided he'd rather work at the dining table but refused to clear his stuff away which meant we had no where to eat and I had no where to work. We split up after that thank goodness (not because of that though!)

You definitely need to commandeer the garden room. Sounds amazing!

Take the kettle (unless it has one) duvet, good book and some biscuits and relax on the sofa bed.

I get you OP. DH has worked away for at least two days a week for our entire married life (+25) and the rest of the time in the office 15 miles away. I have WFH for the last 15 years. I enjoy my space, my peace, the tidiness during the day, the chance to potter.

Then BOOM! lockdown. Now I am never alone, he has decamped into the dining room, monitor and wired and crumbs everywhere, empty pots etc. Everytime I leave my purpose built office he appears as if by magic to see what is going on. He empties the fridge constantly and puts dibs on everything in it. He walked into the middle of a conversation Im having with DD and changes the subject.

Agggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just let me be me alone.

I don't think YABU, but I do find it a bit odd that the two of you are so keen to spend time during the day in bed when you're not ill.

If his outdoor office has heating and a sofabed I'd just move in there, frankly. Shove anything that's in the way into a box and make yourself at home!

@cripez

Just tell him! Tell him you spent £31k on a room just for him! And the rest of you want the small house to use as a house for ALL of you.

If he says anything about hating him then say 'yes, right this minute I do becayse for months you've been behaving like an inconsiderate, selfish, oaf and I'm done with it!!! Go To Your man cave /office'

Then let him sulk in there.

I'm sorry his childhood wasn't good, but he doesn't get to make your life a misery.

If it was a tiny, cold, damp shed I could understand,but it's not & there's NO excuse for him not to use it.

Haven't RTFT but could he be depressed?

honestly just go ask him

then strip the bed on the days he works from home, hoover etc on the next day, take a nap etc

be assertive. that would massively piss me off

You can’t make him use the room.
You don’t need the bedroom yourself.
So use the office.
It sounds like the nicest space in the house plus it has the benefit of being separate so you won’t always have half an eye on something in the house that needs to be done.
If it hasn’t already got blinds, pony up some more money and get them - so you can have privacy and use the sofa bed.

It would boil my piss that he wasted the money, but bloody hell would I be straight in there taking it over!!! Install a biscuit cupboard there too.