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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH working in bed

468 replies

cripez · 08/03/2021 10:38

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

OP posts:
Jubaju · 08/03/2021 10:59

Have you actually asked him why he’s not using his office ? 😔

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:01

It's not like I want to lazy, today I've already done the school run, got the shopping, prepped for dinner, hoovered downstairs and tidied kitchen.

I just want to be able to have the option to have a rest upstairs where it's quiet sometimes. Away from my needy dog and bastard cat.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2021 11:03

I like the idea of taking over the shed and making it into a part bedroom, part chill out space for you.

Get a bed in there and everything.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2021 11:03

You’re obviously nbu btw.

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:03

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I like the idea of taking over the shed and making it into a part bedroom, part chill out space for you.

Get a bed in there and everything.

There IS a bed in there. A sofa bed!
OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 08/03/2021 11:04

Suggest to him that you take turns because you would also like to be able to use the bedroom. The 2 days a week that the children are out are your two days to relax in the bedroom while he uses the massive 30 grand purpose built office in the garden that was a massive waste of money cos he's too lazy to walk down the yard.

Maybe just say office. 😁

RNBrie · 08/03/2021 11:04

If you're only asking for 2 days a week, then you negotiate. DH - I don't care where you work on the 3 days a week I am busy, but on the 2 days I have to myself, I would like you to use your office please so I can have the bedroom. Does that sound reasonable to you?

And then you remind him the night before - DH remember you will be working in the office tomorrow so please make sure all your stuff is in there so you can start on time.

This shouldn't be a big issue and it wouldn't be in our house.... (I work from bed every now and again but my DH likes a fancy set up and his big office chair. I like being warm and comfy!!)

petrocellihouse · 08/03/2021 11:04

I would be pointing out that the bed needs to air at some point each and every day and not have a sweaty grown male in it for most of the working day!

Shodan · 08/03/2021 11:04

Have you asked him why he doesn't seem to want to use his purpose-built, expensive office space? That would piss me off more than him being in the bedroom I think.

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:05

@petrocellihouse

I would be pointing out that the bed needs to air at some point each and every day and not have a sweaty grown male in it for most of the working day!
I know this. He has no concept of this. He still can't use a laundry basket for his clothes so I think this concept is a bit beyond him.
OP posts:
freezingmarch · 08/03/2021 11:05

I would be extremely pissed off at 30K sitting in the garden unused. And that would make me annoyed every time I saw DH working in the house regardless of what I wanted to do otherwise and I wonder if this is driving your general annoyance.

You are going to have to have a conversation about the unit and cost and also the house usage. If he doesn't want it, rent it out?
It sounds lovely.

Is he depressed or anything? Why would you want to work from bed for months on end?

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:06

@Shodan

Have you asked him why he doesn't seem to want to use his purpose-built, expensive office space? That would piss me off more than him being in the bedroom I think.
Last summer I spent a grand getting a landscaper to build a path up there so he doesn't get his slippers muddy.

What was the point of that?! Could have spent that on a really nice climbing frame for the kids.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 11:06

I can't believe you haven't said anything. It's really not healthy to live like that OP.

VimFuego101 · 08/03/2021 11:07

I'd start using the office as your space. Move in some candles and bookshelves and make noises about making it your area.

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:07

If I said 'Hey DH why aren't you using your office so much?'

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to.

Help me out then MN.

I'll go up and ask him in a minute.

OP posts:
CruCru · 08/03/2021 11:09

The thing is, I can understand working from bed for maybe a day. But doing it day after day is a bit weird. How does he separate work from sleep?

Yes, it’s probably time for a grown up conversation about how the sheets aren’t nice to sleep in if they haven’t been aired. Then, when you get up, pull the duvet right back, open all the curtains, open a window. Use the bed to fold laundry. Make it clear that he is massively in the way of the running of the house.

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:11

@CruCru

The thing is, I can understand working from bed for maybe a day. But doing it day after day is a bit weird. How does he separate work from sleep?

Yes, it’s probably time for a grown up conversation about how the sheets aren’t nice to sleep in if they haven’t been aired. Then, when you get up, pull the duvet right back, open all the curtains, open a window. Use the bed to fold laundry. Make it clear that he is massively in the way of the running of the house.

I make the bed every morning and open the window.

When I get back from school run he's in it with laptop, pens, notes, books etc.

OP posts:
thatwastheriver · 08/03/2021 11:11

Your problem is that you don't want him to get arsey with you.
He will get arsey with you because that's how he gets his own way and probably always has.
This isn't just about the current problem, it's about the way your relationship is, has been and always will be unless you start being more assertive.
Go for it!

UnsolicitedDickPic · 08/03/2021 11:12

Lure him in there with the promise of sex and then lock the door behind him? Tongue in cheek, obviously

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:12

I am very bad at being assertive. I admit that.

OP posts:
merrygoround88 · 08/03/2021 11:12

He is being completely unreasonable

My DH was working in the bedroom and it drove me mad. I re purposed the play room so he could work there. I would totally lose it if he then left that room and went back to the bedroom

Just tell him the room is there for a reason and he needs to use it and not the bedroom.

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 11:12

I'll ask now but it's not going to go well.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2021 11:12

I hear you op. Parents up and down the country are revelling at finally being alone in their own houses today.

Maybe you're no where near this stage yet, but the realisation that 100% of the time id rather exh wasnt there, was kind of the moment I realised I needed to divorce.

Shodan · 08/03/2021 11:15

Last summer I spent a grand getting a landscaper to build a path up there so he doesn't get his slippers muddy.

Grin Sorry OP I know you're pissed off (and rightly so) but my first thought was OMG what a big baby he is.

The trouble with feeling you can't address these things forthrightly is (ime) that it builds and builds until you explode in a mess of resentment and anger. Maybe it's just best to march up to your room and say that if he doesn't get out to his office quick smart, today, and use it properly in future, then you will take it for your own use. And then do so.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/03/2021 11:15

Just tell him! Why wouldn't he care about you and your feelings? Weird and sad if not.

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