DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

Does he want to put on weight and be at risk of a heart attack? The lounging in bed and the flatulence which may be resulting is not good for his health.

So asking him can be addressed about his health if that makes it easier.

Op you're being a smidge unreasonable but so is your dh.

He has a bespoke workspace, he should be using it both for his mental health to have the separation from work and home and also to hold onto a modicum of professionalism.

however, you've stated there's a sofa bed there, and you don't even WANT to physically nap or do anything in the bed you want the OPTION of doing it.

@arethereanyleftatall

I hear you op. Parents up and down the country are revelling at finally being alone in their own houses today.

Maybe you're no where near this stage yet, but the realisation that 100% of the time id rather exh wasnt there, was kind of the moment I realised I needed to divorce.

I just want an hour or two alone. Not my entire life.

Jut start using the garden room, I guarantee he will not like you encroaching on his space and will start using it.

Move his stuff about in there too, to really piss him off make room for yourself, it will annoy him.

Someone may as well get some use out of it.

I agree it is annoying but the bedroom is a shared room so difficult to evict him from. Could you not take over the lounge as your relaxation area? Buy a recliner chair and a blanket?

Good @cripez
Then tell him that. It's perfectly reasonable.

I'd commander the office for myself. It sounds lovely!

In our house we have one of the spare bedrooms set up as an office. The plan was (pre covid) we each worked at home 1 day a week and used the office. If it happened to be the same day one of us would use the dining room (we also have a kitchen diner). Husband never used the office or the dining room. He slobbed on the sofa with his laptop. Didn't bother me that much as I wasn't usually there and kids were at school. Then lockdown hit and it really annoyed me.

I started doing Joe Wicks workouts in there every morning (to be fair it's the only room with sufficient space), thumping away loudly with lots of gasping and panting, eating my lunch in there with the telly blaring, putting tv on for the kids once they'd done school work. He soon retreated to the dining room with the door shut!

I’d just say very politely, Why aren’t you using the garden office DH?
That’s a completely reasonable question and can’t see how that would offend anyone.
I do get you though, I hate my DH working from home, he’s in the dining room whilst I have the office and he’s grumping and moaning like hell about his work.

Hate to dripfeed but maybe should add am main carer for our 6yo autistic child, who attends specialist school, and 2yo. So I am very very much in demand every minute of their waking day unless they are at school/CM. It's very full on.

So I crave alone time and the agency to do as I please.

I only use my bedroom to go to bed at night, so I can't say I understand the issue.

But it's your house, and it matters to you. Why don't you just ..tell him you need the bedroom?

I can't imagine someone staying in bed all day, when do you freshen up the bed, do they shower, then get in clean pjs before sobbing back in bed? Sounds revolting.

It doesn’t sound healthy tbh, it isn’t good for his MH to stay in bed all day.

I'd choose a soft route and ask him to keep work out of the bedroom because it's meant to be a place to relax and him working in there removes the 'relax' element for you both.

That way you're not asking him to shift to the office which I'm jealous of...I'd probably sell a kidney for one like that but are asking him to keep the places meant for calm and chill exactly that.

If he's that emotionally fragile at least this option is about wellbeing rather than "get out of my space". I bet having to work in the living area will be less attractive than the super office at the bottom of the garden!

BTW I totally get the need for some time away from your husband. I love mine dearly but keep fantasising about the day one of us can return to the office.

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to

You've got a bigger issue here than bed v office. He was abused as a child. He is still in victim-mode, and now, so are you. His abusers are still abusing, via his mindset.

Me, too! I'm so shocked at how well he's got you wrapped round his little finger.

I'd honestly just start using his room as a chill-out room for yourself. stick his things in boxes. I bet he'll start using it again sharpish if you did that. He knows exactly what he is doing here.

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to.

reminds me of Phoebe from Friends.

(I mean that in a light-hearted way, OP, I am really not trying to mock you!)

i would take the biscuit tin, a cuppa tea and my book and go and chill in the office for a couple of hours. sounds like bliss. but yes i can see why it irritates you...

WFH is a fucker in some ways. I find my office quite annoying sometimes. May be he is trying to control what he can? Sorry I know it’s tough.

If you really, really can't talk to him about it then you could try not making the bed tomorrow morning, strip it completely and pull the mattress off and stand up by the open window. Open all the windows immediately on getting up so your room is freezing. If he closes them, open them again immediately for the sake of the mattress.

The next day turn the duvet back and open all the windows again. If he closes them, tell him the bed needs to air every day for the whole week as you have done a mildew treatment the day before.

Hopefully after a few days in his office he'll have broken the habit.

His garden office sounds lush. Tell him you are thinking of repurposing it. Sensory room for your autistic child?
I reckon he will be down there in no time, if it's use it or lose it.

There IS a bed in there. A sofa bed!

There you go then. When you want me time, go out there and use it. Take your favourite rug or your own duvet and pillow, get the biscuits in there, keep a stack of your favourite books/magazines there, and make yourself comfortable.

If there’s a sofa bed outside in the shed, I’d go there! Big space, no kid stuff, no having to look at the mess that might make you feel guilty or like you can’t relax...

1. Tell him today that he’ll need to be out of bed early tomorrow as its sheet washing day.

1. Tell him that you’ll wash and dry them but he has to make the bed.

3 Start to do this regularly on a weekly, if not more often basis.

1. Hoover on the other days.

5 mins of effort should get you a day of peace.

Failing that..... have a toilet installed in the wendy shed and take that over. ( no drain nearby - a saniflo will do the trick.)

It's not about you kicking him out, it's about him doing something nice for you... how is that too much to ask?

What do you want for mother's day (month)? The freedom to nap! Or tidy up your wardrobe, or whatever.

I do find it harder and harder to understand why you are not keen on taking over the garden room. It sounds more and more blissful! You can do your own work and leave it there without to pack when the kids arrive too.

Just go chill in his office if it’s comfortable
Seems like a complete non issue