DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

Glad he’s in the office

Why isn’t there a kettle / small fridge there so doesn’t need to come up

Surprised you spent £30k but no loo

Not sure if this is the right thread to say this on or not.
And not sure of exact figures in the UK of people being single or divorced etc.

But people can be hard work.
They can even start off easy and become hard work. Through illness, change of circumstances etc etc etc.

If you want to be coupled up with someone, expect hard work. Then you wont be surprised or disappointed if it happens.

Not saying to anyone in particular. Marriages and relationships are rarely plain sailing. Be prepared, or dont enter into it, is my advice.

I asked him if he was ok, because I'd noticed he was spending a lot more time working in bed. He was all like 'Oh I don't know, am I? Maybe I'm depressed...' so I spoke to him about some things he might be feeling and ways he could try to combat that that didn't feel too scary ie working in his lovely office instead of our bed every day.

He sounds unusually self-absorbed and unusually needy. It's no wonder you need a break from him a couple of days a week, he seems more like an extra child you have to care for than an adult equal who also looks after you.

And the funny thing is you didn't say a word to hime about your own needs or your feelings. Not a word about you needing space. Only is he ok working in bed? Is he depressed? How is he feeling. Everything is just about him, him, him. Where are you? He doesn't ask and you don't say.

People who are feeling down or depressed can be, perhaps just ditch them when they cease to be fun

It's not whether he is fun. It's whether he cares about the OP's needs anything like as much as they both care about his. I'm not totally convinced he's even aware that she has needs.

This is easy. Tomorrow (or your next free day), before you go on the school run, ask him to use his phone to turn the heating on in the summer house. Do NOT call it “your office”, call it “the summerhouse”.

He’ll ask why.

You’ll reply, “I was thinking it’d be lovely in there today. I was thinking I’d tidy it up and start using it to potter about in. Maybe start doing some [messy, girly hobby].”

I’d bet £10 by the time you get back from the school run, he’ll be in there working.

Wow @BusyLizzie61 you have absolutely embarrassed yourself on this thread. What a bully. Glad other people have noted this and defended OP.

Is it just me who only goes into my bedroom in the day to get something or if I know there's a cat on the bed and I want to cuddle them?

Sofas are precisely for resting when it isn't bedtime?

(But him not using the office would piss me off a lot!)

Sounds like you have enough on your plate without having to pander to a needy partner on top. He sounds quite pathetic.

For what it's worth, you would certainly qualify for the provision of home to school transport by the local authority.

You'd be surprised how badly that council cuts have affected things like this.

He's been back to the house 3x in the last hour though, forgot his keys, then needed a coffee, then to the loo. This is pretty standard with him.
He's very suggestible, so I have to be careful, he can convince himself he has flu if he sneezes or if I have been ill, so I had to work out if he was actually seriously depressed or in a bit of a funk.

Christ, he's hard work. He needs a kick up the arse IMO.

it's depressing how low your standards are if you think someone living in a tiny house with a garden office is "bragging".

It's depressing how some people can't see why 30k spare to built a fancy shed isn't the norm or low standards for many many many people at the best of times, it's a luxury and where some people live it would almost be the cost of a whole house.

I can see why some people have felt it a stealth brag esp at time when we keep being reminded in here that people have lost jobs and homes and are cooped up in flats on top of each other all day and here's someone with an empty £30k building in her garden complaining she doesn't have any space.

@Jjjjjj1981

OP I’m not sure if you’ll be back but I have a child with needs like yours, ignore the ‘you could work’ brigade. What we do IS work, and it’s damn hard. You deserve a break and access to your own bed.

You parent. And the vast majority parent and work, even with children with additional needs!

@Nith

My lo has other additional needs too. So, some months we have an appointment a week, hence I work on school hours and not every working day.

@BusyLizzie61, do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

The op's child is at school, every day, including during the lockdowns.

As you yourself have acknowledged, probably not.

And on top of it, gets paid to look after her own child out of school hours! So she's in effect doing what every other parent does

If you really imagine that looking after a non-verbal incontinent child with complex needs associated with severe ASD is "doing what every other parent does" you are in cloud cuckoo land.

do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

Wouldn't matter if they were. Op has no intenion of loo2or applying.

Why do you think I have one in school hours only? Because my child's needs are of utmost importance. So I made sure that I provided within these hours as well as parenting outside of!

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

I asked him if he was ok, because I'd noticed he was spending a lot more time working in bed. He was all like 'Oh I don't know, am I? Maybe I'm depressed...' so I spoke to him about some things he might be feeling and ways he could try to combat that that didn't feel too scary ie working in his lovely office instead of our bed every day.

He sounds unusually self-absorbed and unusually needy. It's no wonder you need a break from him a couple of days a week, he seems more like an extra child you have to care for than an adult equal who also looks after you.

And the funny thing is you didn't say a word to hime about your own needs or your feelings. Not a word about you needing space. Only is he ok working in bed? Is he depressed? How is he feeling. Everything is just about him, him, him. Where are you? He doesn't ask and you don't say.

This.

I'm glad he's in there today, but it's clear you are walking on eggshells around him. It's very sad to see.

A normal partnership would be 'oi, I want the bedroom back, go work in your swanky office' and the fact you can't say that speaks volumes. This isn't a healthy relationship op.

here's someone with an empty £30k building in her garden complaining she doesn't have any space

Well, that's sort of the point They had the money, put in the effort to have the thing built, and he's not using it, so she can't use the bedroom as HER space.

I personally find the chips on shoulders here quite bemusing. I can't imagine having 30K for a garden office but I am able to refrain from being snitty about people who do.

I'm glad he's in there today, but it's clear you are walking on eggshells around him. It's very sad to see.

However when she spoke to him, no great argument or throwing toys out the pram. Doesn't sound like there was any real issue other than her reluctance to ask him why he was stuck in bed. He may be feeling down or a little depressed but perhaps as IntermittentParps says people who aren't feeling great mentally just need a kick up the arse, perhaps this will be standard advice and treatment for other issues eg pnd.

@BitOfFun

For what it's worth, you would certainly qualify for the provision of home to school transport by the local authority.

You'd be surprised how badly that council cuts have affected things like this.

The law hasn't changed. OP's child would 100% qualify by reason of disability, and if the LA tried to refuse they would certainly be ordered by the courts to change their minds very quickly. Action to enforce rights of this sort can be taken in the child's name and therefore financed by legal aid.

do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

Wouldn't matter if they were. Op has no intenion of loo2or applying.

Why do you think I have one in school hours only? Because my child's needs are of utmost importance. So I made sure that I provided within these hours as well as parenting outside of

If OP were to look for a job she has said it would have to accommodate:

a) work from 10-2 due to school run requirements
b) term time only
c) understanding of her needing to take at least two mornings/afternoons a week out for appointments relating to her children or her own current health issues
d) understanding of her having to leave at the drop of a hat to pick up her child when they cannot cope with school that day.

Do tell where she will find a job like that?

Or give it up and admit that you really are talking nonsense?

perhaps as IntermittentParps says people who aren't feeling great mentally just need a kick up the arse, perhaps this will be standard advice and treatment for other issues eg pnd.

You've taken what I said out of context. I was referring to him being suggestible and able to convince himself he has flu if he sneezes etc.

To the chorus suggesting the OP get a job - she has a job - she is a carer. This is beyond parenting because when you parent, your child goes through stages from being completely dependant on you to being, eventually, and independent adult. Judging from what the OP has said, that is not the case with her child. They need care. That's a job. A full time, exhausting job. They are a parent on top of that.

@cripez glad you got some space today

I would say do you need anything out your "old" office or should I just chuck it. When he questions what your on about tell him as he no longer uses it your going to turn it into a little retreat for yourself and your keep a corner for when he has zoom calls.

@BigFatLiar

I'm glad he's in there today, but it's clear you are walking on eggshells around him. It's very sad to see.

However when she spoke to him, no great argument or throwing toys out the pram. Doesn't sound like there was any real issue other than her reluctance to ask him why he was stuck in bed. He may be feeling down or a little depressed but perhaps as IntermittentParps says people who aren't feeling great mentally just need a kick up the arse, perhaps this will be standard advice and treatment for other issues eg pnd.

Because she framed it as all about his needs and wants.

That's the point, she's worried about his reaction when it's her asking for her needs and wants.

@Nith

do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

Wouldn't matter if they were. Op has no intenion of loo2or applying.

Why do you think I have one in school hours only? Because my child's needs are of utmost importance. So I made sure that I provided within these hours as well as parenting outside of

If OP were to look for a job she has said it would have to accommodate:

a) work from 10-2 due to school run requirements
b) term time only
c) understanding of her needing to take at least two mornings/afternoons a week out for appointments relating to her children or her own current health issues
d) understanding of her having to leave at the drop of a hat to pick up her child when they cannot cope with school that day.

Do tell where she will find a job like that?

Or give it up and admit that you really are talking nonsense?

No these were the excuses:

a) work from 10-2 due to school run requirements.
No children have 2 parents including 1 wfh self employed parent who has lots of flexibility. Plus eldest can access school transport. So.1 child for nursery which father could manage. So op could actually work anytime before. 9am....
b) term time only
Ideally, yes, all parents would, but again child has 2 parents, so no they can both tag rail the school holidays.
c) understanding of her needing to take at least two mornings/afternoons a week out for appointments relating to her children or her own current health issues.
It would be incredibly unlikely that moving forward for the next 12 years, that this child will have this number of appointments every week. So a moot point. But regardless if does, as my lo often does, it's possible with flexible working, part-time hours.
d) understanding of her having to leave at the drop of a hat to pick up her child when they cannot cope with school that day. Guess what the children have two parents. So 2 parents to collect. 1 with a flexible working pattern!

So none of the above stops op from working. In fact, she could could easily work close to full-time hours...

@BusyLizzie61

I'm not sure you realise quite how nasty your tone is on here, especially when talking about a person you don't know who isn't obliged to give you or anyone 'excuses' as to why they aren't working. They have actually given reasons they don't, but don't owe you explanation so aren't making 'excuses'.

You have sounded like an insufferable bully, hellbent on making OP feel like shit for no reason. I understand you're stressed too but taking it out on strangers, or anyone for that matter, won't make you feel any better.

Yeh busy you're not coming across well there.