DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

BusyLizzie61

I'm going to assume that you're finding things tough hence your continued crusade against OP, and not, as it seems, a deeply unpleasant person.

So hope things improve for you soon. Take care.

They had the money, put in the effort to have the thing built, and he's not using it, so she can't use the bedroom as HER space

I am finding people's attacks on @cripez totally baffling: her DH is being a selfish prat, and you're all lambasting the OP

It was her husband who had £30k of family money spent on a luxury room - bigger than any other room in the house - just for him and his work and he doesn't use it but instead works in the only bit of private space the OP might have? And you're calling her all sorts?

FFS he's being a selfish prat, and you're all bullying the OP.

I mean not "all" sorry - just those posters who are criticising the OP for wanting a bit of her own space, and wondering why she's not working.

@busylizzie61 you sound like a right barrel of laughs. Maybe there's some jealousy going on here, or you think because this is AIBU you can say whatever you like but whatever it is your attitude stinks

Everyone needs to stop feeding the troll.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Everyone needs to stop feeding the troll.

We aren't feeding it.

They havent responded and people are quite rightly sticking up for oP.

@BusyLizzie61

The fact that someone is self-employed doesn't meant they are automatically available to do school runs, collect the child from school without notice, or to take several weeks off during school holidays. That's a totally bizarre assumption to make. Self employed people have contractual commitments, they have meetings, they have deadlines, they have to travel - just as much as employed people.

You don't know that the child could access school transport. He's only 6, and is severely autistic. It may well be that he simply can't tolerate transport from anyone other than his mother.

You know nothing whatsoever about the child's medical condition so you can't say anything about the likelihood or otherwise of his having to continue to have medical appointments twice a week. And, anyway, the point is what he needs now, not what he might need in a few years' time. And what exactly is this flexible job that provides part time hours in term time only etc etc?

Sorry, your desperation is showing.

I'm not letting @BusyLizzie61 get to me at all because they have no idea how my life works.

My DH can't do school run. He doesn't drive due to medical reasons.

Also due to the nature of his job he could get called in to a job and need to be away for a week at a day's notice.

So no I could not hold down a job for those reasons, and the reason I am the carer and am at home is so that my DH can do the job that he loves and is good at.

I supported him for ten years, earning the 'steady wage' as a professional. At the top of my career I earned upwards of £50k per annum. It was my earnings landlords looked at when we wanted to rent a house. It was my steady pay check that kept us fed. During that time my DH had the space to become established in their field and by the time the DCs had come along their earnings had overtaken mine.

I didn't want to go back to that profession because it had completed battered my mental health, and then when it became apparent that DC had additional needs I couldn't leave him in child care anyway.

DH's money gives us a good life but he would never have even gotten to where he is now without my emotional and financial support.

DC cannot access school transport. I have tried. Our social worker has tried.

It's moot anyway because there's absolutely no way in hell they would ever get into a car with anyone that isn't me to go to school. And they love school and do really well there, so we are not about to rock that boat.

Anything else Busy? You seem determined to get me off my arse.

@TheSpottedZebra

BusyLizzie61

I'm going to assume that you're finding things tough hence your continued crusade against OP, and not, as it seems, a deeply unpleasant person.

So hope things improve for you soon. Take care.

Sadly, this is the third post I've read where they have been less than supportive of the op. I'm sure there are more out there, and to come.

Can I just say, for the sake of anyone else reading who might also be a SAHM and full time carer to a disabled child.

Our days are full.

We are not sitting on our arses watching Judge Rinder all day.

We not only have houses to run and other kids to take care of but we are also exhausted because every other hour outside of school hours is taken up with caring.

We don't sleep full nights. We parent over and above, and I know this because I have a two year old with no additional needs and their care, which is pretty full on, is absolutely nothing compared to their sibling.

We have to fight for support for our children so hard that we are too exhausted to fight for support for ourselves - and we deserve better.

My child receives disability benefits that reflect the high level of care they need. I receive carers allowance in recognition of my care for them. It isn't enough to live on, and I am grateful and very mindful of our privilege that we don't need to live on it. We are entitled to it. We use it to run a reliable car so that we can take DC to appointments.

I fought my local authority to get my child into their school, and won. That took a year of evidence gathering, form filling, appointment and reports. Meetings. Hearings. I had to buy a new laptop because I had so much stuff to deal with that my old crappy one went kaput.

Never ever for a second think parents of disabled children are on the beg because trust me, they deserve so much more.

I pity you @BusyLizzie61 because I don't think you are capable of empathising with others, and I suspect that's because you struggle too. It's a damn shame you have chosen to judge me because really we should be allies.

@cripez

Can I just say, for the sake of anyone else reading who might also be a SAHM and full time carer to a disabled child.

Our days are full.

We are not sitting on our arses watching Judge Rinder all day.

We not only have houses to run and other kids to take care of but we are also exhausted because every other hour outside of school hours is taken up with caring.

We don't sleep full nights. We parent over and above, and I know this because I have a two year old with no additional needs and their care, which is pretty full on, is absolutely nothing compared to their sibling.

We have to fight for support for our children so hard that we are too exhausted to fight for support for ourselves - and we deserve better.

My child receives disability benefits that reflect the high level of care they need. I receive carers allowance in recognition of my care for them. It isn't enough to live on, and I am grateful and very mindful of our privilege that we don't need to live on it. We are entitled to it. We use it to run a reliable car so that we can take DC to appointments.

I fought my local authority to get my child into their school, and won. That took a year of evidence gathering, form filling, appointment and reports. Meetings. Hearings. I had to buy a new laptop because I had so much stuff to deal with that my old crappy one went kaput.

Never ever for a second think parents of disabled children are on the beg because trust me, they deserve so much more.

I pity you @BusyLizzie61 because I don't think you are capable of empathising with others, and I suspect that's because you struggle too. It's a damn shame you have chosen to judge me because really we should be allies.

It all sounds very exhausting OP

I’m glad he’s working in the office now even if he is coming and going. As he settles back in hopefully it’ll be less and less bouncing around. I hope you manage to get some alone time and rest soon.

Cripez - you sound really sane & articulate of course - & if I was your child I’d want you firmly on my side. Hope your DH settles into his new abide and you get the bedroom back properly.

I’d be pissed off that he was lounging all day in the bedroom. Our bedroom is for sleeping in at night not lounging around in during the day. That’s what would piss me off .

@cripez FWIW, I think you sound fucking awesome.

Oh @BusyLizzie61 DFOD

Caring for a child with severe autism (and possibly some other SEN, thrown in as well) is a full time job and couple that with also having a toddler as well. Of course, she wants a little respite when the children are not home, she’s not getting any through SS is she.

@cripez many posters get it so please ignore those with the empathy of a gnat (and that’s putting it kindly).

@BusyLizzie61 - what an uniformed, unpleasant individual you are! I’m also the parent of a disabled child. I haven’t worked for 15 years, not because I don’t want to but because it is not possible. My child is in education full time, but there are a million other things to do. The nights for a lot of us are relentless too with kids that don’t sleep and often pull all nighters. Then the days spent washing bedding because your child pees the bed every single night without fail. Then having to watch them from the second they get in to when they finally sleep so they don’t trash your house, flood the bathroom, block the toilet etc etc etc.

Like the OP said apart from the physical work, the mental strain of fighting for everything they need is also draining. It’s a full time “job” and then some.

I despair of people like you I really do.

Just have a conversation. Half the problems on mumsnet could be solved in five minutes if people communicated with each other rather than strangers on the internet

And the terrible scripted responses that are convoluted and worthy of Kat slater

This isn't relevant to the OP, but on the topic of free transport to school for children and young people with SN, I'd like to direct @Nith to this summary of a campaign I helped to lead (I'm mentioned, but I'm not the author) to help rescue it from council cuts. It's something I'm still proud of.

@BusyLizzie61 can busy himself elsewhere....
@cripez my genuine worry is that your identity has (quite logically) become so enmeshed with being that of a full-time carer for your children that the boundaries between carer and partner have blurred in your relationship with your husband. You seem to have lost your ability to care for your own needs. He seems to have lost sight of them too. You need to learn to advocate to have at least SOME of your needs met, or you will cease to exist for everyone, and run out of steam.

@cripez please read and reread what justilou has written.

You need to advocate for yourself. You need to have a discussion with your DH about your needs.

Explain to DH that his office gives you both the separation of his home and work life and you both need that. That you need your bedroom to be your adult space that is associated ONLY with relaxation, sleep and sex. That is properly aired daily and you don't associate it with him working.

That on your what 2-6 hours childfree time per week you know it's there waiting for you to chill out in as being "yours".

That you don't want his work in the house, the house his home and when he is in the house he is there as a parent and spouse free and available to help.

You could drive this home by interrupting him in the bedroom constantly "could you just help with.... "

I do share justilou's and randommess's concern. I'm sorry if I came across as dismissive of your husbands problems, from what you say he does have complex issues. But you have a child with SN and it comes across as if now you are now the carer for the whole family including your husband, and you find it very difficult to talk to your husband about your own needs. You have to be careful how you say things, you have to be careful what you tell him. You can't tell him you need your own space, you can't even tell him you have a cold without him getting the same!

That's not sustainable.

I am not great at advocating for myself, and am going through some stuff right now that's triggering my PTSD, so I'm not really in a place to start asserting myself all over the place.

He's up in bed now. I asked if I could strip the bed. He said 'Can you do it in an hour, I want to watch something for research'

And so it continues.