DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

Soumds like depression but lying in bed is completely counterproductive.
He must get up dress and use the office.
Please OP be assertive in this for his his own good.

@Mrsbrownsgargoyle

Subtracts a decade, surely?

Erodes bone density, bowel function and heart issues. Sitting up is physically exercise on the body and keeps metabolism going

Tell him he uses office for work or your going to get part time job and he can do some of the help with kids if he is working in house all day.

Subtracts a decade, surely?

I was wondering about that too

@cripez

I do work. I care full time for a 6 year old child with the developmental age of approx 18 months. I am frequently slapped, kicked, bitten. My 6yo is in nappies. They can't answer you if you ask them their name.

I have to drop them at special school and collect them every day. There is no wraparound care.

I have no support whatsoever from any external agencies.

I receive carers allowance of less than £70 a week - that's my wage. DC gets DLA.

I am at home because one of us has to be, me being home enables DH to have his successful career.

Don't ever tell me I don't work because you would not last a week in my shoes.

Your parenting situation isn't unique, yet plenty of parents which is what you are, manage to work in between school runs. I manage with an add child, plus being a single parent. You could work, but prefer to moan about your situation, whilst your partner is working for the benefit of the family!

OP-"farting in our bed" made me lol! I do sympathise though. Esp being that 30k was spent-wowed! I'd take him a tea, ask how's he getting on and then say, would you mind using the office when I'm home (the 2 days you have) or if not, would you mind if I used it? Seems a shame/waste not to use that lovely space after all the money we spent on it, doesn't it? Or just ask him in a roundabout why if he doesn't feel comfortable using the office/prefers working indoors/does it feel odd working out there etc... If he then says he doesn't like it out there, then.. bingo! It's your woman cave to claim. Suggest you use it instead and get organising how you want it. You can then move your biscuit tin in! I'd love a space like that. He's crazy to risk that. Good luck with that OP. Sounds like you fully deserve a santuary.

Or a 'sanctuary' even!

@cripez yanbu at all. Can you talk to him about this with being snappy? Genuine question, I would inwardly seethe then not be able to have a reasoned discussion.

Tell him, that you really need some time alone in the house. That for whatever reason (I'm the same) you can't proper relax without an empty house. It would be great if he could make use of the (fucking expensive) office. That it's not great for him to be in the bed all day.

Op yanbu.

Beds are for sleeping, shagging, napping and reading in. Maybe even watching tv.

They are not for working in. Apart from anything else its not good for sleep hygiene. In fact it's not good for hygiene anyway, the sheets must need changing every couple of days!

Given the office he has I would just ask him to use that because you feel that the 30k is a waste of money. If he refuses I'd so be in that office every day. Take up a hobby. At 6pm every night disappear to the office to do your hobby and leave him with both dc for bath and bed routine. £5 says he's set up in there every morning after a few days.

I think you need to make it about you. I find it hard never having space to myself. I wondered if you aren't going to work from the shed, could it be cleared out of your work things and it can become my space. If you need it for work, can I "reserve" the bedroom as my space to escape from everyone in the day?

This will mean you do need to go work in your office.

My mental health means I need a break from everyone now and then, including you, although I love you.

I find it hard to relax when you are working in the house as I feel I need to be quiet / tiptoe round your working, which even if you say I don't, I will feel if you are in the house, not the office space.

I would like you to help me with this, if you aren't going to work in the office, can you find another solution for these months I cant go elsewhere in the day?

Could you just say that you're trying to start meditation* and that you'll be going down there a couple of times a week.
No need to tidy up, just fold down the sofa, shoving his stuff out of the way if needed.

• and yes, by meditation I mean a nice lie down.

I admit, this would piss me off no end. He has a dedicated space at vast expense that is sitting unused. Regardless of emotional abuse in his childhood, I don’t see how you can’t just mention it to him and suggest that he use it. That doesn’t mean you are ignoring his childhood suffering or exacerbating his feelings about it. I echo a pp, suggest you rent it out.

You’re really very unreasonable to want/expect house to yourself because it suits
As much as you don’t like it your dh can be wherever he wants in his own house
You don’t get to decide it’s an imposition and expect him to decant.

All the batshit advice about hoovering to annoy him, how is that any way reasonable behaviour

Get some boxes pack his things in an orderly manner so that you can use the office.
He’s in a habitual pattern of using the bedroom to WFH so maybe you decant to the office

@littlebillie

I would chat to him about his health. Every week in bed adds a decade to your life.

How so?

As someone who has worked in their "Boffice!" during lockdown, please save my life and spill the beans

@MrsTerryPratchett

As a man let me say

No.

On this day of all the days in the year...

Haha, OK you got me! I didn't mean it to come across like that at all, sorry! Just wanted to give the man's perspective, that's all.

Anyway my suggestion is forget the 30k, that's a sunk cost. Just turn it into a summer house and get a decent home office space in the house. Lying in bed all day sounds gross.

My guess is that he is accustomed to you “doing” everything in the house. The bedroom is clean and orderly because WHO makes the bed every morning and picks up the clothes? You! Stop doing it for a bit and he might fuck off to his office, clean it up and use the bastard thing.

Your parenting situation isn't unique, yet plenty of parents which is what you are, manage to work in between school runs.
I manage with an add child, plus being a single parent.
You could work, but prefer to moan about your situation, whilst your partner is working for the benefit of the family!

Oh, for goodness sake, how crass can you get? The fact that you have a child with ADD tells you little or nothing about the work involved in parenting a severely disabled non-verbal incontinent child with autism. Other issues apart, you can't rely on the child being safely tucked away between 9 and 3: you will have endless appointments, it's a condition which often has connected problems like Ehlers Danlos meaning the child is regularly in severe pain and may have to be brought home at any time, he may have other health problems, and the school may ask for him to go home if, say, he has a really major meltdown.

@Nith

Your parenting situation isn't unique, yet plenty of parents which is what you are, manage to work in between school runs. I manage with an add child, plus being a single parent. You could work, but prefer to moan about your situation, whilst your partner is working for the benefit of the family!

Oh, for goodness sake, how crass can you get? The fact that you have a child with ADD tells you little or nothing about the work involved in parenting a severely disabled non-verbal incontinent child with autism. Other issues apart, you can't rely on the child being safely tucked away between 9 and 3: you will have endless appointments, it's a condition which often has connected problems like Ehlers Danlos meaning the child is regularly in severe pain and may have to be brought home at any time, he may have other health problems, and the school may ask for him to go home if, say, he has a really major meltdown.

I agree. I have a child with ADD and my friend has a child with Autism and I KNOW it's not a competition but I would NEVER say my lot was as bad as hers is.

Her child isn't even non-verbal like Ops is and she's on a never ending merry go round of worry, stress and anxiety over him.

Yes, ADD is HARD at times but nothing like as hard as full-on Autism.

Make him jealous of you using his office.
Come home put your Comfys on and got watch TV in the office.
Next day rave about how nice it was, his loss is your gain.
Do not tidy the bedroom.
Let him watch you trot off again. Magazine in hand, box of chocs. Buy your self some flowers. Wave him good bye.
Bet in less than a week he is back there

I second this, but also stop making the bedroom nice for him.

@Nith

Your parenting situation isn't unique, yet plenty of parents which is what you are, manage to work in between school runs. I manage with an add child, plus being a single parent. You could work, but prefer to moan about your situation, whilst your partner is working for the benefit of the family!

Oh, for goodness sake, how crass can you get? The fact that you have a child with ADD tells you little or nothing about the work involved in parenting a severely disabled non-verbal incontinent child with autism. Other issues apart, you can't rely on the child being safely tucked away between 9 and 3: you will have endless appointments, it's a condition which often has connected problems like Ehlers Danlos meaning the child is regularly in severe pain and may have to be brought home at any time, he may have other health problems, and the school may ask for him to go home if, say, he has a really major meltdown.

Just to correct. My phone self corrected. My child has ASD. I'm more than proficient in the knowledge of how many hospital appointments etc as I live it. My lo has other additional needs too. So, some months we have an appointment a week, hence I work on school hours and not every working day. The op's child is at school, every day, including during the lockdowns. So in effect she only has a toddler at home when they're also not at nursery. She has free time to herself. She is not hard done by. And on top of it, gets paid to look after her own child out of school hours! So she's in effect doing what every other parent does, except she has all this additional free time to moan about her husband who is earning for the family. And let's not forget here, the additional needs would have been apparent from young and the op/oh chose to have a second child. Sounds to me that the op will be using the justifications of her child for the indefinite future as to why she should live on benefits and be provided for by her husband.

Are you expected to turn him every few hours to make sure he doesn’t get bedsores?

Wtf? Thought this was a parenting site to support parents, not the comments section on the fail.

Life on benefits! What, £70 a week carers allowance? Or do you mean the DLA the fucking child gets? Maybe the child should go into residential care at a cost of hundreds of £££s so the OP can work full time. Would that be better?

OP I’m not sure if you’ll be back but I have a child with needs like yours, ignore the ‘you could work’ brigade. What we do IS work, and it’s damn hard.
You deserve a break and access to your own bed.

YANBU, OP. I would go into the bedroom and ask say you fancy a nap or reading a book, please could he go downstairs or to the office to work. So it regularly so it becomes easier for him to work in the office.