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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH working in bed

468 replies

cripez · 08/03/2021 10:38

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

OP posts:

mainsfed · 09/03/2021 07:59

@BusyLizzie61 you’re spotting a load off crap, hope you haven’t driven away OP.

mainsfed · 09/03/2021 08:00

*spouting

Nith · 09/03/2021 08:01

My lo has other additional needs too. So, some months we have an appointment a week, hence I work on school hours and not every working day.

@BusyLizzie61, do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

The op's child is at school, every day, including during the lockdowns.

As you yourself have acknowledged, probably not.

And on top of it, gets paid to look after her own child out of school hours! So she's in effect doing what every other parent does

If you really imagine that looking after a non-verbal incontinent child with complex needs associated with severe ASD is "doing what every other parent does" you are in cloud cuckoo land.

Soubriquet · 09/03/2021 08:07

Tbh, I would spend the time your dc are at school and empty the shed.

Then have that as your personal space. If he won’t use it, you can

But I bet you, the second you empty it and claim it for yourself, he will suddenly want it back.

Soubriquet · 09/03/2021 08:09

And Lizzie

An 18 month old toddler in nappies that can’t understand you properly, hits, bites, kicks and screams is much easier to control than a 6 year old child in the same condition

No way has the OP got it “easy”

BlingLoving · 09/03/2021 08:10

I don't really understand. OP's husband now has TWO rooms that are exclusively for his use during the day in what is clearly not a massive house? I can't even begin to imagine why this DH doesn't see that this is an issue.

Nith · 09/03/2021 08:13

But I bet you, the second you empty it and claim it for yourself, he will suddenly want it back

I assume OP would be fine with that as what she really wants is access to the bedroom. But in her place I'd tell him it's completely up to him to sort out putting his stuff back in there.

NoseinBook3 · 09/03/2021 08:48

Just tell him you want a bit of quiet time in your bedroom and ask him to work elsewhere. If he is a reasonable person he won’t have an issue with that. Why would he? Sometimes I have naps in the day when the kids have gone to school and I’m not working, especially if they have kept me up
In the night. My husband doesn’t bat an eyelid and works elsewhere. Likewise I would do the same for him

Sexnotgender · 09/03/2021 09:12

[quote mainsfed]@BusyLizzie61 you’re spotting a load off crap, hope you haven’t driven away OP.[/quote]
Was just coming to say the same! Rude as fuck and just unnecessary.

mainsfed · 09/03/2021 09:12

@Sexnotgender suspect it's a bitchplop and run situation.

Original poster

cripez · 09/03/2021 10:44

@Nith

My lo has other additional needs too. So, some months we have an appointment a week, hence I work on school hours and not every working day.

@BusyLizzie61, do you seriously imagine school hours jobs that allow you to take time out frequently for your child's medical appointments are ten a penny?

The op's child is at school, every day, including during the lockdowns.

As you yourself have acknowledged, probably not.

And on top of it, gets paid to look after her own child out of school hours! So she's in effect doing what every other parent does

If you really imagine that looking after a non-verbal incontinent child with complex needs associated with severe ASD is "doing what every other parent does" you are in cloud cuckoo land.

Thanks for the support Nith.

If I were to work it would have to be a job that allowed me to:
a) work from 10-2 (as I have to do school run, and it takes ages as its a specialist school and each child has to be collected from the vehicle by a member of staff in a kind of drive thru fashion)
b) was term time only
c) was understanding of me needing to take at least two mornings/afternoons a week out for appointments relating to DC or my own current health issues
d) was understanding of me having to leave at the drop of a hat to pick up DC when they cannot cope with school that day

Would you employ me on those terms @BusyLizzie61 ?

Perhaps @BusyLizzie61 is unable to imagine how other people's experiences could possibly be different to their own. Perhaps they just forgot that not everybody is the same. I'm prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt there.

Perhaps they just resent SAHMs and full time carers?

I dunno. That's not really my problem to solve.

Anyway DH is in the office this morning - hurrah!

OP posts:

Original poster

cripez · 09/03/2021 10:52

Also @BusyLizzie61 thinks the government pay me for caring full time.

They do: 40p an hour.

Rolling in it.

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 09/03/2021 10:57

Result! How did you manage to get him in the office?

Original poster

cripez · 09/03/2021 11:05

I asked him if he was ok, because I'd noticed he was spending a lot more time working in bed. He was all like 'Oh I don't know, am I? Maybe I'm depressed...' so I spoke to him about some things he might be feeling and ways he could try to combat that that didn't feel too scary ie working in his lovely office instead of our bed every day.

He's been back to the house 3x in the last hour though, forgot his keys, then needed a coffee, then to the loo. This is pretty standard with him.

He's very suggestible, so I have to be careful, he can convince himself he has flu if he sneezes or if I have been ill, so I had to work out if he was actually seriously depressed or in a bit of a funk. I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 09/03/2021 11:08

Hurrah for communication! Good on you for raising it with him. I'm sure you're right he was in a bit of a funk - staying in bed all day will do that to you, so I'm sure there was a bit of chicken and egg going on there as well. You'll see quite quickly I'm sure if there is something more sinister lurking ie. depression, or whether getting up, dressed and out to the office helps on its own. Really hope it does!

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 09/03/2021 11:12

OP - I find her remarks to be inappropriate on this thread but, to be fair to BusyLizzie61 and, iirc, she does have a job like that with an amazing employer and a generous additional 'day off' allowance despite being part-time.

I think such positions are very thin on the ground and in no way readily available to all of those who would benefit from them.

MiddleParking · 09/03/2021 11:19

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

I think such positions are very thin on the ground and in no way readily available to all of those who would benefit from them.

That makes her behaviour on this thread worse. Vile.

justilou1 · 09/03/2021 12:02

How the fuck can women expect equity when we can’t respect the different sacrifices each woman makes with every “decision” she has to make regarding the care of her children?
@cripez came here for advice and support. Please crawl back to your covert misogynist cave and get “Busy” polishing your halo or sharpening your knives or whatever else it is you do, @BusyLizzie61 - because I really don’t see how grounded in reality you are.

Ninkanink · 09/03/2021 12:04

@justilou1

How the fuck can women expect equity when we can’t respect the different sacrifices each woman makes with every “decision” she has to make regarding the care of her children? *@cripez came here for advice and support. Please crawl back to your covert misogynist cave and get “Busy” polishing your halo or sharpening your knives or whatever else it is you do, @BusyLizzie61* - because I really don’t see how grounded in reality you are.

This.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 12:34

Exhausting just reading this.

LucieStar · 09/03/2021 12:41

I'm so pleased this was resolved with direct communication as opposed to any of the other crazy suggestions of hoovering loudly or turning off radiators.

Taikoo · 09/03/2021 13:10

God, he sounds like hard work.

Nith · 09/03/2021 13:13

work from 10-2 (as I have to do school run, and it takes ages as its a specialist school and each child has to be collected from the vehicle by a member of staff in a kind of drive thru fashion)

For what it's worth, you would certainly qualify for the provision of home to school transport by the local authority.

RUOKHon · 09/03/2021 13:16

Does he spend as much time and emotional labour considering your feelings in the same way?

BigFatLiar · 09/03/2021 13:20

@Taikoo

God, he sounds like hard work.

People who are feeling down or depressed can be, perhaps just ditch them when they cease to be fun. Do you expect your partner to complain about you when you're feeling bad or do you expect support?

It may have been resolved sooner if OP had spoke to him sooner rather than bottling it up.

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